Archive for May, 2013

And now I look forward to …

2013-05-28 05:01:23 PDT

So, (3-day) weekend gone, workweek rapidly approaching.  And so, now I look forward to … what?  Yeah, had precious little to look forward to on the whole 3-day weekend.  But I guess precious little is (slightly) better than nothing.  And, the week, next weekend, next month, etc., looking forward to … what?  Yeah, really quite nothin’ I’m looking forward to.  Finding about zilch that I enjoy.  Quite sucks.  Gotta “fix” that.  Dunno how though.  Keep goin’ through the motions.

It’s really quite bass ackwards.  What do I enjoy most?  Actually being in a good/excellent relationship with someone.  Heck, even a darn good friendship helps a lot – especially when I can actually communicate a lot and well with that friend, and they with me.  And, what do I highly suck at?  Yeah, social – finding/making friends, getting into a relationship – well, at least those “early stages” – do rather to quite excellently typically once fairly far into it … but most of the time never make it that far.  :-/  So, yeah, bass ackwards  – highly sucks, what I most enjoy – being very connected, I’m so damn friggin’ thwarted at getting to there.  Ugh.  Sucks.

And what about “everything” else – that I enjoy, or have ever enjoyed, etc.?  Guess I’m mostly just finding dang little to about zero enjoyment in such … at least with being so damn highly disconnected and effectively isolated.  Nobody to share sh*t with – not a darn thing hardly – how I feel, what I’m excited about, interested in, disappointed with or concerned  or care about, really hardly anybody.  Too damn isolated too damn long – seems it just kind’a sucks all the interest out of it for me on most everything – if not “everything”.  Really hard to care about much of anything if … well, I hardly know/feel that anyone cares about me, and damn near nobody knows me well … may quite be that really no one knows me well – at all.  Given so relatively little interaction/communication – despite much of my efforts and attempts, … yeah, … may quite be that nobody knows me at all – certainly not well.  Or, … if not zero persons knowing me well, fairly close to that (maybe one semi-well?).  I keep wishing/hoping – hell “fantasizing” – that I am or would be better known/understood, but … the reality?  I really don’t know – at best maybe fairly known/understood by one – but I don’t know if even one knows me that well.

So, yeah, I’ve been having quite the hard time finding anything to look forward to, or finding much of anything to enjoy.  Maybe I manage to find grand total of a few hours or so per week, of something I more-or-less enjoy, … even slightly.  And other than that?  Yeah, … nothin’.  Ugh.  Way too damn much I don’t wanna.  E.g. don’t wanna sleep – nothin’ to look forward to about being asleep (dreams mostly absent/unremembered, or mostly pretty sucky), nothin’ to look forward to ’bout being up/awake (to do what? – Anything I enjoy?  Is there anything?).  Yeah, no reason to go to sleep (or so it feels), no reason to wake up, and yet I do anyway, each feeling like a burden.  Yuck.  Got bit less than 3 hrs. sleep overnight.  No big deal – pretty typical for me.  But what is and continues to be a “big deal” – ain’t got sh*t to look forward to.  Way too damn alone/lonely/isolated … even amongst sea of people – and sometimes that only makes it feel a friggin’ helluva lot worse.  Hell, I’m even quite sh*t at trying to help others.  Try like hell there too, but seems hardly anyone wants my “help” – hardly/barely at all.  Feel pretty damn useless and unwanted.  Maybe I am?  Okay, work wants me.  Big damn deal.  Just a body with some skills – nothin’ horribly unique there.

And so it goes.  Dang, and isn’t this blog posting far too redundant?  Yeah, it is.  Maybe I’m redundant[1] too.

1. No longer needed or useful; superfluous.
Synonyms: superfluous – unnecessary – needless – excessive – spare

Hmmmm… don’t even feel spared.


Friday evening, Saturday, … “woo hoo”, 3-day weekend! … whatever

2013-05-26 01:11:44 PDT

So, Friday evening, after work, start of a long three day (Memorial Day) weekend.  And, what am I doing on that Friday evening?  Yeah, bury my head and face in some technical stuff  I could do it at most any other time, but I pick then.  No, not work.  Plenty ‘o similar at work.  No, for “fun”.  Well, sort’a.  About nothing lined up for the 3-day weekend – okay, maybe two relatively minor and/or short events or so, but other than that … really quite absolutely nothing.  So other than some possible exception bit in one of those two events, really quite nothing I’m looking forward to.  So, Friday evening, shoving myself into some non-work technical stuff – all alone, just me by myself.  Why?  Maybe just a bit less painful.  Distract me from thinking about “nice long” 3-day weekend with fairly close to nothin’ with nobody – well, certainly that’s at least the vast majority of the time anyway – and mostly nothing to look forward to.  So it fills in some time, and does some somewhat useful stuff.  Volunteer, even.  Not that most would notice or care.  “They” would probably notice if stuff wasn’t maintained, and broke, but so long as it keeps working, nobody much notices the man behind the curtain.

Date.  Ah, yes, Saturday, out for bit of walk/stroll, and casual bit of a meal.  First place – no, that one’s closed – perhaps the holiday weekend or whatever.  Okay, a fairly nearby runner-up, walk over to there.  Oops, that place is not only closed, but gutted.  I guess gone out of business – or maybe moved, but I sure didn’t notice any “we’ve moved to” … sign, not that I was looking hard for it, was just rather surprised that the first runner-up choice was also “closed” (closed and gone!).  So, a second runner-up choice.  Hey, open, at least.  Oh, how was the date?  Uhm, rather sucked.  Just me, myself, and I.  Conversation was quite dead and topics quite too predictable, company, while interesting, kind’a depressing, especially at only about half what it ought to be – 2 might make for a fair date, 1 – way too lonely and isolated of a date.  So I dragged myself out – lest I stay in the entire day.  Didn’t really otherwise have need/reason/”excuse” to go out – other than tossing one item in the mail and checking the mail, which I did.  Oh yeah, and something about “diet” – dragging myself to food was an “excuse” to get myself to eat something again – had been about (a bit over) 24 hours since I’d eaten anything at all.  Wasn’t hungry – no appetite, but I figured I’d drag myself to something I’d more-or-less like to eat, and was reasonably healthy … well, first choice or first runner-up would’ve been.  Second runner-up, … eh, … so-so.  Interaction, as in social?  Oh, woman behind the counter was friendly enough – but she’s paid do do that – part of her job.  Other than that?  About zero interaction, but can’t exactly say I tried hard … not like I didn’t try at all, maybe even got one person to crack a smile back at me, … but that was ’bout as much interaction as I got at all.  Other than something modestly above “Would you like fries with that?”.  Ah, and restaurant, holiday weekend, rather full of people, yup, mostly or all apparently happy people, and quite none of them dining alone … except for me.  Yeah, try to ignore that – nothin’ technical to bury my head in there, so bury my face in the food and try and enjoy that.  Oh well, “date” wasn’t a total disaster at least.  It’s not like the other person tried to kill me or somethin’ like that.  Maybe I’ll try again soon – perhaps a movie, though can’t think of any that I’m all that interested to see – but maybe I can at least find one that doesn’t majorly suck.  Yeah, probably about 85% of the time (or maybe much more?  Just guestimating off the top of my head) goin’ to movie theater – just my by my lonesome … not that I go all that often, but if I quite want to see something, I’ll go and see it.  That there’s no one to go with me, whatever, that won’t stop me, but yeah it’s dang lonely.  Nobody to share nothin’ with.  And yeah it hurts.  Blah, blah, what else is new?  And so it goes.

Diet?  Eh, ain’t exactly managed to improve that as much as I was hoping.  Managing to feed myself fairly well about once per 24 hours – still far from ideal, but bit better than it was.  Kind’a hard to do much better than that when the appetite and motivation just is not there.  But even “about once per 24 hours”, still significantly screw that up at times.  E.g. last weekend – had a pretty good large lunch on Friday.  Saturday – nothin’ all day ‘cept about 2 cups of pretty charred granola (yeah, I screwed up making granola – and in quantity) and a bit of non-fat dry milk and some chocolate chips.  Sunday – three eggs, bit of shortening, about 3 cloves garlic, about half a cup of frozen peas, bunch ‘o hot sauces, and fair bit of black pepper – that was it for all of Sunday.  Monday – one muffin, one cookie, one can of juice – that was it for all of Monday.  Yeah, Monday at work I just sat at my desk the whole workday through.  Don’t think I got up once, didn’t break for lunch, nothin’ … didn’t care, didn’t feel like it, wasn’t hungry – maybe I just wanted to try and bury my head in work and mostly forget everything else.  Fortunately Tuesday through Friday were (generally) better, but yeah, too commonly not even getting one relatively decent meal in per 24 hours or so.  “Oh well.”

Work, eh, not so hot.  Current situation there is immersed in inefficiencies.  So I do lots of meta-work and waiting to do work, and not so much actual “work” – as in efficient, productive, what I’m highly competent and well skilled in – it’s mostly “other stuff” that, while “work” <cough, cough>, uhm, yeah, it does little to get done what actually needs to get done to have things implemented, fixed, be productive, etc.  So, it’s “okay”, but far from great.  Can’t say I much (if at all?  well, a bit) look forward to it, tend to (relatively) dread the weekend ending, and the return to work.

And with essentially nothin’ to look forward to on the weekends (other than not working – whatever), the reverse is also the case – more-or-less dread the workweek ending, to face yet another weekend of generally mostly nothing to look forward to and nothing I want to do or particularly enjoy.  Yeah, … and so it goes.  Trying to sink my attentions/efforts into more technical stuff (non-working) hours … just ’cause it’s something I can do, and do well, and, well, it’s less painful, but finding myself not much into it.  Kind’a like “the thrill is gone”.  It’s like, and “to what end?”  No people in it, no people in my life (well, hardly).  All rather quite sucks.  No date, hardly a friend to speak of – or to.  Yup, dismal.  Need to “fix” that.  But really no idea how.  Not even sure what exactly is “broken”, but something sure as hell ain’t workin’, and it majory sucks.

Knowing me – and not (and via blog)

2013-05-23 04:05:45 PDT

So, haven’t been feelin’ so hot lately (you kind’a noticed, eh?).  So, decided to make my blog not so trivially easy to read/access from my OkCupid profile.  Alright, I’ve done that.  But in my updating and rewriting that bit, it also very much occurs to me, that knowing me from my blogging, is not the same as rather/quite getting to know me live, interactively, in person (or even not in person, but at least live and interactive – phone conversations, heck, even live text chat).  Sure, there’s a lot of overlap, and neither untrue or false.  But they paint rather – or at least fairly(?) – different pictures.

And not only occurs to me about OkCupid, and folks (well, women … uhm, I’d at least hope, anyway) that do or may read it from there.  But occurs to me regarding “others” that read my blogs.  Okay, so far, only one actual person I personally know (as in IRL) that actually quite reads my blogs (and more than “just” this one blog of mine).  And yeah, does paint a rather different picture.  And, probably in that particular case with that one person, that’s particularly noteworthy because to a very large extent, that person knows, or even mostly knows me, from reading my blogs!  (Yeah, I know, rather/quite odd, but that’s where/how most of our communication – at least from me to that person – occurs; via my blogs; yeah, don’t ask, but is how it is).

Different pictures?  Yeah.  Well, me blogging, at least two highly key differences occur to me.  Perhaps rather/quite interrelated, but those key differences:

  • Blog – mostly just “dump”/broadcast/”transmission”.  It (mostly) highly lacks in interactivity and feedback – and most certainly in regards to anything anywhere near to “real-time” interactive and associated feedback.  And with that any “moderation”, and adjustments, “corrections”/clarifications etc. may be rather to even highly lacking.  There is no “active listener” providing feedback to my blog, it’s “impossible” – it’s not a conversation or dialog, not at all; not the format it at all lends itself to.  So, the nature of what comes out is very different with that feedback/interaction mostly just not there; nature of the medium / communications means – blog, it’s not real-time interactive.  And it sure as heck ain’t in person or face-to-face.  And, compassion.  Not to say it’s totally lacking, or not there, but trying to “feel” much or any compassion of “listener” when writing to blog?  Yeah, that feeling is mostly (nearly entirely) absent.  Not sayin’ the compassion isn’t there or may not be there, but me, feeling like I’ve got someone compassionately – even empathetically “listening” to me as I … blog?  Yeah, that feeling really is highly lacking.  Mostly feel like a “broadcast”/”dump”/”transmission” – out into the void – a siginal … maybe someone will pick up that signal, … maybe not.  Maybe it just goes out into the ether – off into the cold empty blackness of space, never picked up, or never acknowledged.  And I don’t know what I’ll get, if anything, or when.  Might be some compassion.  May be someone making fun of me or my writing or ridiculing me, or most anything I might write or “say” on blog.  Just don’t know what, or when, but it sure as hell ain’t live and interactive, and definitely also not in person.  So, that quite highly – if not radically – changes the dynamics.  And that, “of course”, also changes what comes out in the communication.  Or should I even quite call it “communication” in that case?  More like it’s data, and not even necessarily information.  With the feedback (mostly) not there, and to compound it, immediacy thereof just not there, what kind of “quality control” and feedback is there to much better and more accurately “shape” the information delivery, to ensure “listener” reasonably well understands what’s attempting to be communicated?  Yeah, that’s quite lacking.  Analogies suck, but, one that comes to mind.  Take a person.  Shut ’em off all alone in a room, no contact or interaction with outside.  Leave ’em with writing implements and a large stack of blank journals.  Instruct ’em to “write something”.  Come back in a few years or so and see what they’ve written.  Compare that to otherwise same scenario, but no writing instruments or anything to write on, but give ’em a regular visitor that they’re quite comfortable with.  Even if only a few hours per week – if even that – to be able to sit down and talk and converse with the person.  Do that for several years.  Compare the results of the communications – isolated journals, vs. conversations.  The results would be quite remarkably different.  Both “true”, but highly distinct and different impression.  Yeah, blog, … kind’a feel like man locked away in isolated room, no other contact, just writing implement and a large stack of blank journals to write on.  Blog is pretty darn isolating and isolated – but I guess a hair better than same scenario less the writing implement and medium to write upon.
  • Dump, “vent”, moan, groan, etc.  Probably fair bit more of that on blog than would occur in person.  Maybe not, or maybe not always, but would quite depend also upon (the in person) context.  A lot of that is due to mostly not having the feedback, etc. – certainly not “real-time”, and relatively little at that.  And a lot of me blogging is ’cause I “need to”.  Off into the void (or rather quite nearly seemingly/feeling so).  Goes to “here” (blog) ’cause it’s got nowhere else to go – no other means of communicating it to anyone else at all!  Yeah, the opportunities just ain’t there (certainly as it seems/appears to me, if not quite/highly the reality).  So, it gets put on blog as an “outlet”.  Communication means of last resort.  Heck, frankly, desperation.  In person, well connected would be highly different.  Probably mostly not (nearly) so much dump/”vent”/moan/groan/etc. – though there’d probably too still be some fair bit of that, but, hell, well connected, there’d be at least some fair bit of positive (heck, well connected is highly positive; ain’t got that).  But even on the “darker” stuff, may also more delve/explore more into – and through (and out of!) that … in well connected scenario.  Blog just doesn’t feel (hardly at all?) “well connected” … well, because it ain’t … it’s pretty darn detached, in a whole helluva lot of ways.  If I get some feedback, fine, … more-or-less.  But mostly I don’t.  Nature of the beast (blogging).

So, yes, very different pictures thusly painted – of same person.

yet more random “stuff”

2013-05-19 09:41:00 PDT

Life story.  In 5 minutes or less.  Live, in person, in front of an audience – “open mic” – but no microphone.  No notes, all true.  Yeah, I did that recently … kind’a.  Audience of about 30 or 40 or so people, perhaps about 6 to 10 of which I sort’a kind’a knew – essentially just handful of acquaintances, the rest strangers to me.  Without more specifically identifying the event, did require telling a story, at least to be more than spectator, and not necessarily at all life story, but needed to be true and delivered with no notes.  I’m kind’a inclined to type up – blog – what I covered, or perhaps even better, what I’d intended to cover or would like to have covered.  But 5 minutes of talking is a lot of typing – and even more to properly edit it on blog and such – would quickly turn 5 minutes into an hour or two or more of typing and editing.  I think I’ll do that later – if at all.  But for now, what I will cover.  Meta.  Bit about how that went, why I did it, etc.  It was kind of a “what the hell”.  Social gathering I could go to – or totally skip out on – really quite didn’t care one way or the other.  Was neither looking forward to it, nor dreading it.  Really didn’t make up my mind to go until about the last feasible minute (had a bit of travel to get to there).  So I opted to go.  Could’a just been a spectator, and not told a story, but I figured, “what the hell”, risk it – sort’a don’t give a f*ck, and not a whole helluva lot to lose, so, … try.  And to pick a story.  I had many possibilities in mind.  But, one of them, was essentially do life story – or some reasonably brief abridged version, in 5 minutes or less.  I figured I could approximately do that.  50 years old, minute per decade … yeah, I could do something like that.  So I did.  Mix of highlights and lowlights – probably quite a bit more of the latter than former.  Funny bits?  Uhm, sure, got some laughs and smiles – but probably more from tragedies and ironies than much or any “ha ha” funny.  But at least somewhat amusing nevertheless – and probably much easier and more amusing when it’s someone else, and not self.  But what the hell, good to laugh at oneself, eh? … at least a little bit?  I didn’t care – whatever.  Stories were also scored – bit of a contest.  I did not want to win – last thing I wanted was some (semi-)obligation to go on to further competition – and whatever the “prizes” were, I didn’t want those, either.  So I didn’t practice at all – other than just some bits of trying to approximately put it together in my head before delivering it.  And I didn’t place for a prize.  Though quite sufficiently well received, I did get I think the lowest score.  But that was fine, it was still quite a respectable score, and quite close to where many of the scores were.  And the person who added it up to score it didn’t even add it up correctly – so it showed a total significantly lower than actual for me – but I didn’t call that out at all – didn’t care – I’d still (barely) have the lowest total score.  So, besides a “low” score and some bits of laughs, how it go?  Oh, seemed well received enough.  Some folks certainly complimented me on my telling it and such, but nobody commented at all on any specific bit of it – save only one exception by one person.  And was it deeply personal stuff?  Sure, kind’a.  Definitely highly real, and certainly personal stuff – but what the hell.  I wasn’t sharing anybody else’s “secrets” or the like … didn’t name any names or give anything identifiable.  Heck, no one there knew or got more than the first letter of my last name; nothing more identifiable than a college of many thousands or tens of thousands of students – didn’t even pin down any precisely “when”.  But lots of stuff that happened – significant stuff – and how I was treated, felt, did and didn’t do, etc.  Whatever.  Did I feel tense and nervous delivering it?  Eh, slightly, but not much – despite the content, and the not being very well prepared.  Perhaps quite a bit of “I really don’t f*ckin’ care” attitude – for better or worse, also made delivering it considerably easier.  Maybe sort’a kind’a an act of “desperation”?  Perhaps not – or not entirely … but probably at least in part.  Yeah, no microphone.  And my voice isn’t that loud – especially for extended talking.  But at a mere 5 minutes, and fairly small and fairly quiet audience … well, no idea if people towards the back could hear me … but I figure the 1/3 to 1/2 or so towards the front likey heard me quite well enough.  Folks further back?  No idea – maybe they mostly just reacted to those in front of them – along with what they could see.  Eye contact?  Yeah, I suck at that.  Mostly “information dump”.  Though looking at the audience the whole time, it was almost much more like staring off into space – other than I did change around the direction I was looking fairly regularly – as if I was looking at folks – but I really wasn’t.  More like I was looking through them, or “beyond” them, or … yet more accurately – looking at ’em as if they weren’t there! – Yes, quite that.  Despite the reactions, sounds, etc., some motion and all, even right after having delivered my story I was aware of and could recall about none of what I saw in reactions – not any bit of expression or motion seen at all – very nearly aware of none of it.  Really dang near nothing at all that I saw, or rather at all noticed/perceived – other than detecting some general mass average motion(s) at some points … but absolutely nothing “up close and personal” – even though first row was only about two feet – if that – away from me.  Just did not “see” it, … or rather, quite did not at all perceive it.  Did hear and perceive the sounds – but only as an “average mass” – didn’t pick up or note any individual responses at all.  So why’d that “work” (or “not work”, and go) that way?  Well, I do quite suck at eye contact.  Tends to distract the hell out’a me.  So, I guess, and even without thinking about it at all, very much made zero “real” eye contact at all – just faking looks/glances about – and perceived about zilch visually – guess my attention/focus was elsewhere – “information dump” – just puttin’ it out there, really highly didn’t care about or for reactions at all – certainly at least not while I was delivering it.  So, yeah, feedback loop there?  Yeah, probably damn near entirely missing – unless there was stuff I may have been picking up subconsciously that I wasn’t aware of, but I think it was that I quite blocked it out, or probably more accurately, just simply didn’t pay attention to it at all, and picked up about none of it at all.  Maybe it’s more-or-less a “survival” or coping mechanism … for me, anyway.  Eye contact distracts me a lot when I’m talking.  So, I quite effectively – if not literally – very much cut that off.  In this particular case, probably quite a bit more extremely than “usual” for me, but in the “usual” case for me, probably quite similar – just not quite as extreme.  And yeah, probably too, ’cause the particular material – relatively difficult and hard to say it and put it out there – so probably yet more focus on that – and aversion to any “real” eye contact as I delivered it.  And, all said-and-done, how’d it go?  And no, I don’t mean the scoring of my story telling, or even much how it went as I told it, but … after that, … connections, communication … really anything out of it of note?  Naw.  Quite nothing.  Nothing at all – at least thus far.  Maybe some teensy increase in probability of “connection” if/when I see some of those folks again, but there really ain’t much there at all – pretty close to a nothing.  Did I like doing it, would I do it again?  Don’t really give a sh*t.  It was kind’a like a “what the hell” experiment.  Nothin’ really all that noteworthy or exceptional to note of it, no major benefits, maybe not even any minor ones, but hey, at least it didn’t hurt too much, so I guess it was at least “okay” or whatever.  Bit of something to fill the time, anyway.  I don’t know about usefully, though.  Maybe I would’a been better off using the same time (especially out and back and all) burying my head in some technical stuff.  And, listening to the other stories?  Oh, there were a very slight few or couple or less that were rather to quite good.  The rest, pretty darn lame – at least to me – though some at least moderately entertaining regardless.  And yeah, I still ought “type up” (blog) that story (more-or-less) at some point.  If nothin’ else, do have one good friend that would read it, that doesn’t know much or most, or at least quite a bit, of what I told.  Yeah, could say we’ve not had those conversations, much as I wish such would be quite possible and a were it a good thing to have such conversation(s) with said friend.

Why blog?  Yeah, I’m realizing more and more – I blog ’cause I need to – very much nowhere else for it to go for me – so it ends up on blog.  Definitely not my first choice – more like about dead last – with all other options removed, … so, … it ends up “here”.  And I need be cautious with and cognizant of that.  Definitely has some hazards, e.g. particularly among “what the hell” attitude bits.  Sort’a like I don’t care what happens to me – not entirely true, but rather true in significant part.  But, it’s not just about me.  What I do/say/how … even blog, does impact others (and burn their resources) – so I need to try and remain reasonably cognizant of that, and properly well consider it – though I fear I may slip up at least some modest bits on that.  Too damn self-absorbed in sucky mood to really better handle things as I often should.  I find myself catching myself on that.  But should catch myself on such before such errors are made, rather than after.  Harder to fix after the fact – if such is then even “fixable”.  So, yeah, e.g. so I try to not say “too much” here – particularly identifiable bits – but more recently I haven’t been as good on that as I probably ought be.  Been a bit sloppy – putting my needs first or … more accurately, not giving proper consideration and attention regarding others and their feelings and privacy, etc. – just too damn self-absorbed to notice that quite as much as I should.  So, … not sure where all this is gonna go.  But in any case, I am most very definitely far from perfect.  And I apologize for that.  I do and will try to be better … but also gotta manage to survive and live, to be able to do that.

Sleep.  My sleep has been pretty weird most all my adult life.  But perhaps a bit more disturbingly, is how my sleep has been more recently – I guess monthish or so?  Been doing quite a bit of – rather “typically” more recently, but most of last monthis or so, has commonly been come home – be it work, or not (some social thing?  Whatever), early evening, I feel quite wiped.  I just drop and sleep.  But not long – about an hour, maybe two tops.  Then I’m up, not tired, and don’t want to sleep.  But it also sucks though – too much I don’t wanna.  Whereas “normally” (for me, anyway), when I’m awake, I’m generally doing stuff I at least sort of to rather or quite like – whatever it might happen to be.  But, with sucky mood and far too much “I don’t wanna” – it’s cr*p.  Awake, “nothing to do” – well certainly nothing I want to do – so most of it filling time – blogging, or doing some other cr*p I really just don’t all that much (or at all, particularly) care to do – filling time.  Yeah, not good.  And it’s not like I’m tired.  Just up – as in awake, and don’t want to or care to go back to sleep.  Dreams have been mostly utter cr*p, if anything at all, and dreams or not, the sleep not exactly “refreshing” – really nothing beyond some bit of biological necessity.  So no real looking forward to the sleep or enjoying it.  And that goes on until … when I have to get up “for real” for the day, or maybe about an hour or so (if even that) shy of it – and I try to more-or-less “force” myself to get some bit more sleep before I have to properly get up for the day.  Anyway, quite sucks like that, and not my “usual” pattern at all.  I think fair bit of it’s stress – and not the good kind.  Far too much not looking forward to or enjoying the sleep – or the awake, or the work or heading off to it – or coming back from it, or … frankly, much of anything.  So, yeah, sleep has been unusually more cruddy for me lately than “usual” (and the “usual” being not cruddy – but … well, unusual compared to most people).  But I guess in slightly good news, sleep seems to be shifting about some – don’t know that it’s shifting more towards what is “usual” and “typical” for me – but … seems to be moving towards a more “workable” pattern that doesn’t suck quite so much.  Not sure exactly what kind’a pattern yet – as it doesn’t seem very settled in … yet – but it does seem to be doin’ some shifting – and that’s likely a good thing – at least relative to where it has otherwise been recently.  Heh, and I overheard a coworker today remarking “only got four hours sleep last night” … heh, that’s a lot closer to my typical, and last night I got about (adding up the pieces …) 3 hours sleep (about an hour chunk fairly early on, and then about a 2 hour chunk fair while after I’d wound down from completing long blog posting at 3:27 A.M.)  Anyway, that was a few days or so ago … still finishing off writing/editing this blog entry as I type this (now 2013-05-19).   And not exactly writing this blog top-to-bottom in either “reporting” it in chronological order, or even writing it in such an order.  “Ooops”?  Not really, whatever.

Diet.  My diet has been rather sucky.  Been trying to fairly adjust that.  Most notably, past many months or more – well, most notably, appetite has been mostly missing – pretty much all the time.  I’m rather sure that’s mostly “just” from the crud mood.  So, … I tend to not eat – until I’m “starving” – well, actually at least moderately hungry (if that), or … I just sort’a figure it’s been “way too long”, and, set myself about to eat something – and often quite a bit … sort’a make up meal for … up to 48 hours or so.  So, yeah, not a good pattern – not eat, for up to about 2 days, then stuff my face until I’m quite full or really can’t eat any more, lather, rinse, repeat.  My body tolerates that dang well – “lucky me”.  But regardless, adds more stress on the body, and certainly far from ideal.  So, … one thing I “learned” to do many years ago, or essentially “trained myself” for … my “high stress diet”.  My “high stress diet” is relatively simple.  Most notably, under high stress, my appetite tends to be quite similar to with my (far too long running now generally) sucky mood.  Mostly tend to not get hungry (or forget about or don’t pay attention to food, or otherwise too preoccupied or don’t want to think about food or whatever) – so I’d not eat, ’till “starving”, then eat lots ’till stuffed, … and repeat.  Certainly not good and adds more stress to body when already under and excess of stress.  So, quite recently, what I’ve been trying to do, is something relatively akin to my “high stress diet” – which is really pretty simple.  My “high stress diet” – what/how I try to feed myself when I find myself under high stress (particularly when it runs for day(s) or more) – eat reasonable quantities of reasonably healthy food at reasonable intervals.  Nothin’ horribly complex to remember, measure, include or exclude or anything at all like that.  Just a very basic set of “rules”/guidelines to follow and rather consistently apply – and not horribly strict about it.  Just remember it, keep it in mind, and practice it.  That’s my “high stress diet”.  Anyway, last, … about week or so, been trying to do something approximating my “high stress diet.  Not that it’s gonna fix much or anything, or make me feel a whole lot better, or even much, if at all.  But, even if not under “high stress”, my stress levels have been and are on the at least somewhat elevated side of things – I can even quite feel it – and sense the stress – anyway, not good stress.  So, even if not “high” stress level(s), certainly elevated.  So, probably good to apply the “high stress diet”, or some reasonable approximation thereof.  Be one less thing adding to the stress, so can’t hurt, and might help – even if only some slight bit.  Can’t say I feel or notice the difference at all.  But, … there’s probably at least some difference there – and probably some slight bit of an improvement.  So, … I pro’lly ought generally keep that up.  “Approximation”?  Yeah, not exactly my “high stress diet”, but at least sort’a roughly – more regular feedings, quantities, relatively healthy (I tend to eat fairly healthy stuff anyway, but paying a bit more attention to that).  That’s all – nothin’ complex, but probably helps at least some wee bit.

The job.  Quiet.  Ah, so, started a new job not too long ago … well, more than a month, less than two.  Not gonna detail it much, and certainly not going to “identify” it, but I’ll mention some rather to quite relevant bits.  So, some rather odd and unusual bits about it, and perhaps rather to especially so for me and my “situation” and all.  Cubicle – yeah, nothin’ odd or unusual about that.  Been in such almost 100% of the last 18+ years, at least when I’ve been working, and that’s all been in San Francisco in that particular time range.  But there are some things “odd”, and quite unique about it – even among all other such cubicle (and even) office environments I’ve ever seen (at least in person) and all that I’ve ever worked in.  It’s quiet.  Way quiet.  Most libraries are much “loud”er!  Week ago Friday, I had in mind to demonstrate to friend how incredibly quiet.  So, work, computer … hook up external microphone (to avoid picking up noise direct from the computer itself – like hard drive or fan vibration/noise), turn the microphone sensitivity all the way up, and atop that, turn on a +10 dB gain on the microphone (essentially doubling the sensitivity/gain atop being already all the way up).  And I recorded – minute or two – around and through precisely noon, and again, around and through precisely 4pm.  And what’s to be heard on the recording?  Well, first of all, turned up that high on the sensitivity and gain, can hear stuff that one normally wouldn’t hear or notice.  So mostly just hear some indistinct … hum?  Or sound of air moving?  Not sure what precisely – or may be combination – computer about 2 feet away from microphone, maybe rumble of its fan or hard drive or power supply on the desk.  Or the air circulation system of the building.  Or the hum of some florescent light ballasts.  Or the sound of the fairly distant elevators towards the central core of the building, as they go up and down within their shafts.  Not sure exactly what sounds, but likely one or more or mix of those.  For the most part, nothing else to be heard at all.  Sure, some sounds.  Sounds of a zipper zipping – a coworker in an adjacent cubicle over a high cube wall getting ready to go out to lunch.  Flush of a toilet in the distance – over a cube wall, around the bend of a wall, through a door – about 20 feet away.  Sound of a door closing – about twenty feet away – entry/exit door from the floor – that at right around 4pm on a Friday  Just a single such door closing – not a rush of people leaving the floor, or heaven forbid people saying “bye” to each other as they head off for the weekend, no, just one single door closing of one single person leaving the door right around 4pm on a Friday.  The distant chiming and sounds of a single clock/bell tower about half a mile away and about 200 feet below – heard over the silence in the office – and through the exterior walls and sealed shut thick insulating glass windows.  Nothing else to be heard.  Quite typical for that office space; but damn quiet, exceedingly unusual compared to any office spaces I’ve ever been in – at least during normal working hours, anyway.  And it’s quite typically that quiet in this office.  I think even so much so in this office, that folks have gotten quite used to it, and often when folks do actually talk in the office, they talk with quite quiet lowered voices.  Perhaps just to keep it quiet, or … to not be heard, word-for-word, at 20 or 25 or more feet away because there is no other sound or noise in the office – at least not enough to otherwise prevent them from being heard over quite a distance.  And yes, in this office, so quiet, two folks having a quiet lowered voice conversation 20 or 25 or so feet away, even over a high cubicle wall or two – I can hear every word of their conversation, because there is no louder or even comparably loud sound or noise.  Sometimes, not uncommonly, I’ll hear someone typing – not loud typing, but just simple relatively quiet typing, on a computer keyboard … from 20 to 25 or more feet away, and over at least two high cubicle walls – because there is nothing louder to hear.  Yeah, damn quiet office.

The job.  Isolated.  And also way damn isolated office/space for me.  Work, employment, … more social interaction, right?  Hardly.  First of all, rather large office floor.  Office floor like that in San Francisco, might typically be set up (without change of walls or actual offices on it) to have around 150 or so people on it.  Well, the cubicles on this office floor are very spacious – not posh, but the largest cubicles I’ve ever seen in any office – certainly at least where I’ve worked, and probably ever.  Perhaps only exception I might possibly have seen somewhere is, where instead of any actual offices, those were also just cubicle and partition walls – but full ceiling height partitions with thicker cubicle constructed “walls”, and similarly constructed cubicle ceilings over them with lights and panels closed off, and cubicle doors ‘n all that – really cubicle “offices” constructed, rather than “permanent” walled offices – I think in a few cases I’ve seen those larger than the cubicles on this office floor – but other than that possible exception, I’ve never seen larger cubicles.  Certainly never larger open cubicles like this – though the cubicle “walls” / partitions are tall – about 5.5 ft. or so tall – which also tends to cut down on the noise and travel of sound.  So, big cubicles.  Very spacious cubicles.  But, only one person per cubicle – whereas they could easily and comfortably put two people per cubicle, with the cubicles being that large (and in a very few rare instances on the floor I’ve seen them do that – but only one I know of).  All very fully allocated.  Yeah, … allocated – to bodies, … that mostly aren’t there!  On a typical workday during typical working hours, about 75 to 80% or more of the cubicles have no bodies in them.  I remember one typical mid-afternoon workday, I walked about half the floor, counting up bodies, to estimate how many bodies total on the entire floor.  Half the floor – 5 bodies – including myself, double that for the entire floor – estimated only 10 bodies total.  Pretty darn desolate.  And, … it took them about a week to get a cubicle allocated.  Yeah, all allocated – to bodies mostly not there.  And, did I get one right alongside coworkers in my group?  Oh no – those cubicles are of course allocated (to bodies not there).  So I’m quite a distance away from any of the (very few) peers in my group that work on that floor – about 30 or more ft. away – with one exception at about 25 ft.  And, like most other bodies on the floor, mostly/often not there anyway.  So, often if I go walk around to the areas where the other coworkers in my group sit, they’re often not there – not only many of them not there, but not too uncommonly all, or all but one of them not there.  Yeah, not a whole lot of interaction – mostly owing to the physical setup, and also fair bit the nature of the work.  Lots by email and the like.  Very little in person.  Phone?  Pretty rarely.  So, yeah, … interaction at work, like in person even, or heck, even by phone?  Without even trying to be so isolated, not unusual I go a whole workday with scarcely a word in person or by phone, with any coworker at all.  Really.  Literally.  If I pick a slightly different route into building, I may walk by and say “Good morning.” to security guard on my way in, and guard says “Good morning sir.” back to me.  Not uncommon for a workday there that’s the only words I say to or hear from any other employee/contractor at this company (company of over 10,000 employees, and in large office building of well over 15 stories).  Some slight exceptions, but not much.  Some co-workers, from different unrelated groups, in adjacent cubicles may say “hi” and “bye” on their way in/out, and I back to them, or on rare occasion (once thus far in over a month), bit of “water cooler conversation” at the (approximation of) water cooler – but so few folks on the floor, quite rare to bump into anyone there.  Ditto for restrooms – built to handle about 150 or so folks on the floor, hardly ever anyone in there, so hardly ever bump into anyone in there, or going by, or heading in/out.  Hardly ever getting on or off the floor at the elevators at same time as anyone else on the floor – not that the times are at all unusual – rather the bodies on the floor so few.  But hey, on the plus side – the job – so damn quiet, and quite very isolated – can often get quite a bit of work done that way – very few interruptions (almost none at all), and not much in the way of distractions – perhaps save the deafening silence.

A couple bits – comments – I posted on the blogs of some other(s).  Follow the (big long) links, to see my comment in context (blog where I placed that comment).

“Damsels in Distress”:

I don’t speak for others, and it of course varies among persons. Speaking for myself, however, it’s good to be wanted, appreciated, valued – that’s important. “Needed” – not so good, as in “dependent upon”. Helping, assisting, fine, but “couldn’t live without” – generally not a good thing. So, e.g. I most prefer case where woman is quite independent, or at least quite capable of being so, yet choses to be around and with me because she *wants* to, never because she *has* to. And sure, I’ve rather a soft spot for “damsel in distress” – I like to help, aid, be valued and appreciated. But I don’t care to be quite endlessly putting time/resource into unfillable sinkhole. Caring, yes, fairly generous yes; but doormat or pushover, no. One that mostly or only takes, and does little to nothing to help self, quickly becomes exceedingly unattractive.

“How do you know when the One is the One?”

Well, definitely does *not* work for everyone this way, but … my rule-of-thumb, at least for myself, is if there’s any question about it, that’s not “the one”. In the case of “the one” – there *is* no question about it! Uh, … that doesn’t necessarily mean one ought not question it *anyway*, but really, there just is no question about it. Period.

And so, how’d all that go, e.g. examples?

In 1990, my sister was going with some guy. On a weekend retreat, she met someone else. They simply hit it off splendidly; notably she was able to talk with him, like no one else before. He proposed to her that weekend, she accepted (and she cut off all contact with that other guy – poor bloke, he’d no idea what hit him, but guess it hadn’t been going that well for my sister – even if she’d not realized it). Anyway, they married, and 22+ years later, 3 kids, still married, but … all’s not well in paradise – they separated some month(s) or so ago, and ’tis not going smoothly or well. And not the first time there have been indications of trouble in paradise … but I shan’t disclose what I know of that.

In 1990 and 1991, had some communications with a particular woman. Those communications were quiet delightful and went excellently – including some quite long extended phone conversations. A bit into 1991, she’d asked me to call her, I did, we talked for quite some hours. She invited me over to continue our conversation, I same over, we did … talked until about two in the morning – when she literally fell asleep. We continued on again from there once she was awake again. By the next time we got together in person, as far as I was concerned, there was no question about it. Nearly 6 weeks later, I still thought the same. Then she went silent – I heard scarcely a thing or response from her – for at least months. It was never the same with us again, and I’ve always still missed what we had then – perhaps an impossible, but for about 6 weeks is was very real and there.

1996, I “meet”, or at least text chat with a woman on-line. I ask her where she’s from, she answers, I (virtually) shriek, run out of the room, and dive under a rock. But she doesn’t let me get away that easily. She coaxes me out, and we hit it off well. She thinks of me “like a big brother” (rats, not exactly what I was hoping for, but at over 1,000 miles away – whatever) … fast forward about 2+ years, she’d chased after some other guy she was interested in, got her heart broken, and perhaps thought *maybe* I’d be a bit more useful than a “big brother”. 1998 she visited and we met. We hit it off incredibly splendidly – yeah, madly in love, mutually, in short order. But, still, over 1,000 miles (and an international border) apart (definitely not what I would’a planned). I visit her, she visits me, I visit her, she me, etc. Far too much time apart, but still some bits/chunks of time together, and lots of communication going well and on quite frequent basis. 2004 – there *no question about it*, and quite zero reason not to, so – I propose, she *very* excitedly accepts. Over 8 years after that proposal and acceptance – too much time and distance apart, *way* too much, we’d lost far too much momentum, and didn’t seem able (and/or willing?) to fix it. Not necessarily any particular person’s “fault” – enough “blame”(/fault) to go around, though no one was “blaming” anyone. I broke it off – likely she would’ve if I’d not. She gets to keep a nice ring out of it. We’re still good friends, and … “close”, but still over 1,000 miles away, and been drifting more apart – perhaps mostly a “resettling” to newer reality – so far apart, and that improbable to change. And the *hardest* part of all that, I not only lost the relationship – or what was of that (aye, *so* much time apart!), but I lost the hope and in many ways quite the best friend too (adjusting to the reality and “permanence” of that distance – kind’a like having a good friend move far away – forever). And it still hurts a lot, ’cause not only were we so friggin’ wonderful together, but once we’d broke up, I had quite nobody – nothin’ there, not even really any friends left – way too damn alone and isolated. And I only manage to make not even like one quite good friend (or relationship) per decade. Man that sucks. I may be in for helluva dry spell.

So, yeah, “the one” – great to find that, and just *know*. But too, takes more than “just” love for a relationship to actually work – and keep working.


2013-05-15 03:27:23 PDT

various random bits, perhaps semi-topical (or semi-current, or just on/to mind relatively recently)

‘Cause someone asked “What is the biggest age gap you have had in a relationship?” Perhaps I “answered” too much. :-/

I was 24, she 37; she 21, I 28.  Not just years, but think percent or ratio, e.g. she more than 50% older, and I about 1/3 older.  So I lost my virginity at 24 to a 37 year old.  And for only that one rather brief span in my life – about 6 weeks – was I ever having sex with a woman in her 20s – just that one partner – and never a sexual partner that was younger than 21 – ever.  And since that very first relationship, if one adds up all the spans of time I’ve been in sexual relationship with someone, it doesn’t even total up to 5 months.  And, in the last about 15 years, been in such a relationship only a span of 3 weeks.  And I’m already past 50.  Damn life sucks.  Hope yours is going better than mine.

Perhaps I should’ve footnoted it to define “sexual relationship”, in that context, as actually having intercourse … not that that distinction would changes the picture a whole helluva lot.

“Wrong, Do it again!” – from Pink Floyd’s “The Wall”.  Not sure exactly why, but quite jumped to mind fairly recently and seems rather stuck in my head at least presently.  Don’t know if it is/feels like it’s “me” saying that to me, or “everybody else” (or both) – but in any case, sure as hell very much feels like that.  The social thing.  Yeah, obviously, I must have that very wrong – ’cause it’s so highly not working for me – over and over again.  So, it’s like – at least a lot of – no, don’t stop, don’t give up, but rather – mostly, lots of “Wrong, Do it again!”.  Feels like a damn torture – well, maybe not necessarily quite as much a torture in-the-moment, but certainly in cumulative effect (or affect, whatever) – damn friggin’ hurts like hell, and, … keep – at least mostly – tossing myself back into it – at least some fair bit, and obviously since it keeps not working, I must be doing it Wrong, so … keep repeating again – Do it again!  Ugh.  In-the-moment … and how’s that generally feel – social ‘n all that for me.  Eh, … rather like I could take it or leave it – at least most of the time.  Some of it moderately to fair bit positive, much of it too, feels quite the opposite.  Often not particularly predictable – often highly unpredictable – how things will go – and/or even how I’ll feel about it.  So, … really don’t know (much, if at all) ahead of time – at least in most cases.  So, … it’s like, even just “in the moment” – do I enjoy it or not?  Don’t much particularly care either way – for the most part makes so damn little different I really don’t much care either way.  Yeah, sure, if I spend (way) too much time isolated/isolating, I’ll miss that “contact” – though contact is relative misnomer.  Often it’s more of just being around people, with only zero to negligible contact.  And too, sometimes, if I do quite a bit of contact, frequently, even or often at length, etc., put much effort into it … and “of course” (? – but why?) still get zero results – or damn nearly so – that’s … well, besides being rather “torture” in cumulative effect (or affect) – well, it just ends up not only highly exhausting after a while, but really draining and frankly quite depressing.  If/when it gets to the point where my attitude rather to quite totally sucks, and I can’t even muster up or fake some reasonable degree of positivity, then it’s time to pull back and not try so damn hard – or perhaps even hardly at all – at least for a while.  ‘Cause, when my attitude gets that sucky, and I’m that run down by it, well, can pretty much only be counterproductive to still keep pushing myself on it then when I feel that horrible about it, in it, through it, and in every attempt I so much as make at it.  So yeah, sure, sometimes I pull back fair bit – even a lot – give myself a “break” from it.

TV?  Most television programming sucks.  Most of my adult life, I’ve typically not watched, or only quite rarely watched TV.  In about the last nearly 15 years where I now live, I switched on an actual television (picked up a quite small one for free that someone was getting rid of) only once – flipped through all the available channels (and many of them available where I am) – utter cr*p – nothin’ worth watching, turned it off, haven’t looked back.  That’s mostly been the case for me for many decades now.  I used to – as hobby – pick up, for free, non-working television sets and repair them(did that all the way back into my teens).  But after repairing them, all the intellectual challenge was completely and totally gone – as there was nothing worth watching – so what was I gonna do with a working TV set?  Anyway, fastforward in time – cable TV and all that – hundred(s) or so channels.  Yeah, still pretty close to nothing worth watching (I’ve never had a cable TV subscription).  Forward bit more in time – not only The Internet, but lots of video content available, and the vast majority of it available for free, or effectively so.  So now instead of like hundred(s) of channels, … more like hundreds of thousands or more.  And mostly not “broadcast” or real-time, but stored, so one can watch them at one’s leisure.  Yeah, still not much worth watching … but … out of the hundreds of thousands or more – including also much of what’s been broadcast before, … some things rather to quite worth watching … but still not all that much.  So I watch a few TV shows (more-or-less) and/or other (semi-)regular video programming/content.  But not much.  Of the current stuff, there are only two currently running programs I quite like (for certain definitions of “currently running”).  Doctor Who, and The Americans.  There’s also some bits of other semi-random stuff I watch – or at least sometimes watch – my “guilty pleasures” – but most or all of those I don’t much care about, and often don’t watch at all, or quite postpone (perhaps indefinitely) watching them.  Not gonna bother to explain – at least here ‘n now – why I like those two programs.  Anyway, among other things, I do quite like some of the bits of quotes and (more-or-less) “wisdom” in Doctor Who – not that (hardly?) any of it is “news” to me, at all, but, is often well said, and sometimes also more-or-less shown.  The Americans – one of the bits I rather like in it, is some of the music.  It’s got some faux period music in it (or maybe bits so obscure I don’t recall them at all?), but also some actual music from in/around the period it’s set in.  And sometimes used quite well.  One that keeps coming to mind, but that they’ve not yet used, is “Russians” – by Sting.  And one they used quite recently – I think it was season finale – “Games Without Frontiers” – Peter Gabriel.

Music … & loss.  Music can be rather to very good for me.  I don’t indulge nearly as much as I probably ought, some of those reasons probably “historical” and various life things that have happened along the way.  Back in my teens, and even earlier, sure, quite an interest and liking of music – especially lots of popular tunes and the like.  But did I buy albums?  No.  I was mostly on the “starving student” budget – typically taped stuff off the radio.  Never owned that many albums (or commercially produced tapes).  I remember back in college, there were folks there that had music collections – most notably album collections, that I was quite envious of.  I really just didn’t have the funds for it – I could scarceely afford college at it was (and that was a stretch!) – though too, others had it even harder financially (and/or otherwise) than I.  But music was a luxury I really just couldn’t afford – certainly not anywhere near as I wished, anyway.  And – really haven’t mentioned it to many – mostly just too damn painful and prefer to forget – but in 2000, major burglary, my entire audio collection was stolen (along with about 20% of every possession I had – of negligible value to anyone else or “street value” – but it was very valuable stuff to me … gone forever, never to be seen again.  I figure about 5 man-years of stuff, gone forever – and not stuff I could, for the most part, ever go out and just buy.  Stuff I created, wrote, assembled, collected, things given or handed down to me – not valuable to anyone else, but regardless, valuable to me, and irreplaceable).  So, all my recorded audio was stolen – albums, tapes, CDs – even audio tape “letters” exchanged with friend – who died before 2000, auido tape recordings of family members already deceased by then – all of my grandparents, at least one of my great-grantparents, and some other relatives long since gone, recordings of me and my sister as quite young kids, audio recordings from my cave explorations, stuff taped off the radio, much, etc.  Wasn’t a huge music collection, but it was all I had – my entire audio collection.  I haven’t even attempted to replace it.  So, yeah, music – generally good for me.  Most notably, it tends to make me feel something.  Not necessarily better, though sometimes so.  Mostly just tends to enhance or build a mood … whatever that mood might happen to be … or … sometimes shift it a bit, but mostly just tends to kind’a amplify what’s already there.  And, even when the mood is crud, and the music rather to quite dark or “negative” or the like, it’s still mostly a good thing … most of the time.  Even on the negative, … it tends to help kind’a work/feel it through … rather than more so just kind’a leaving it festering and lingering.  Yet at the same time too – though I try to forget, it’s also often hard.  That burglary – whole helluva lot of loss there.  And not a damn thing I can do about it.  So, yeah, sometimes, in many cases, music also reminds me of that loss.  And that may be a reason why still, to this day, I don’t listen to as much music as I might otherwise.  Certainly do sometimes, … but not a lot, and far from constant, or even as frequently as daily – even a bit.  Some music I hear – perhaps the song, or just where my head is at when and as I hear it, quite reminds me of that loss – and it hurts a lot more … or I just turn the music off, and try to ignore and forget.

Attitude.  My attitude has been pretty sucky.  Are we surprised?  Yeah, I know.  It should be better … much better.  Not exactly super-easy to fix.  I certainly wish it was much better.  Mood generally been quite sucky, and that tends to quite bring the attitude down with it.  Often very much so.

Advice.  Much easier dispensed than followed, eh?  Yeah, I can quite say that of my own good/excellent advice – even if I mostly follow quite a bit of it.  Certainly also fail to follow significant bit of it too.  And lots of advice from others to me – various persons, sources, etc.  And – rather like much of what’s on The Internet – some of it good/excellent, some of it cr*p, and … whole lot in the middle, mostly fairish – may be highly redundant of what I already know and tell myself, or might be “good”, but just not at all relevant – e.g. doesn’t at all usefully apply to me, my situation, country/culture I’m in, species I happen to be and planet I reside on, etc.  But, I should better appreciate the advice I receive, and make better use of it!  Sure,”of course”, some of it will be “wrong” or not fit, much of it may not be particularly useful or feasible to implement or may not do what I (or anyone else) want done.  But regardless, there’s probably, oh, guestimating, somewhere between 5 and 20% of the “advice” received (and/or that I run across, etc.), that is good to excellent advice, and also useful, fitting, suitable to me and my situation, feasible to implement (or at least sure as heck try), etc., etc.  Yeah.  Attitude.  Need to fix that.  Really hard to see and spot the best bits of such advice when the attitude (and mood) sucks.  It all seems so dark, impossible, infeasible, “can’t work”, blah, blah, blah (excuses, excuses, find a “fault” in all of it), when, in “reality” … well, it’s probably quite a bit better and more fitting, useful, and helpful than it would seem or appear or feel to be.  And should well appreciate such advice.  (I do, but may often fail to show, or adequately show that).  And, the especially challenging part – despite the sucky mood and attitude, should be able to pick out the best most useful bits, and apply them.  But damn, it’s hard to recognize which bits are those, among all the advice, when mood/attitude is doing so poorly.  But, it is in there somewhere!  And (un)fortunately, who best to know which bits actually do and would work for me, vs. which, wouldn’t, or not so well – why me, of course!  Hmmmmmmm… bit of a Catch-22.  Now, of course, someone that knew me highly to exceedingly well, might be able to pick out and emphasize those particularly most fitting and useful bits for me – even if I couldn’t for myself.  Ah, yeah, if only someone actually knew me that well and was quite inclined to do so … though anything at least slightly or more in that direction, is at least some bit of a positive.

Attitude, attitude.  Sometimes quite/too negative.  Gotta watch myself on that, as it can be a bad thing.  E.g. this (well, yesterday, as it’s 1:45 A.M. as I’m typing this) morning … yeah, shouldn’t ‘a been thinkin’ so much about the dad/father thing, but found myself thinking – not that I’d actually do it, but … of, like getting a T-shirt printed up, and printed large and bold on it (slightly censored version here):
Uhm … yeah, quite the provocateur that would be, eh?  But I also found myself slighty bemused that, despite its great offensiveness, technically it’s literally and universally true (well, at least given certain interpretation).  But probably not the technical point to try and make after someone knocks my teeth out for wearing such a T-shirt.
So, yeah, also bad attitude – or most especially mood, and particularly combined with distraction – or more exactly just not paying attention, that can potentially be hazardous to gravely dangerous.  E.g. traffic.  Signal says “walk”, step off curb and walk – BZZZZT – wrong answer.  Just ’cause the signal says walk, doesn’t mean the two vehicles still barreling through the intersection at high speed, and the third one about to blow the red light and chase ’em on through the intersection give a sh*t about the walk signal I’ve got or are at all inclined to hit the brakes should a pedestrian step in front of them – after all, they’re pushing the gas to try and beat the light … if they’re even so much as paying attention to it.  So, yeah, catching myself with highly sucky mood, not paying attention, and stepping or nearly stepping in front of such traffic – despite whatever the damn signal happens to also tell the idiot drivers out there – not a good thing; shouldn’t be making, or nearly making that mistake.  And, “I don’t care”, or “I don’t care, at least I’d feel something.” – yeah, wrong attitude.  Being smashed by traffic is definitely a feeling I could quite do without.  So, yeah, gotta try ‘n keep that attitude in check.  Feeling like crud is one thing, but no use also being stupid about it.

This blog posting is getting too damn long – and I’ve only covered very roughly about half – if that, of what I’ve in mind to address.  Guess I’ll cover more of it later … if ever?  But one more bit before I “wrap” this one up.

“Do something”.  Yeah, do something … almost anything!  Much … well, at least significantly better than “nothing at all”, or merely filling in time.  And the social stuff, pretty close to tortuous.  Not that I’m necessarily or exactly giving up on that, but … really do need more to do than mostly just feeling like I’m beating my head against the wall over and over again.  So, … stick my head into something else.  Something I enjoy?  Yeah, right … got fair bit of a problem with that lately.  So, well, screw that, come up with an action plan and do something anyway.  So, … got more technical stuff to bury my head into.  Do I like it?  Well, my mood’s been crud lately, so, haven’t really been enjoying hardly anything at all.  So, not like I dislike it, but no, not “enjoyment”.  But what the hell, something to do, anyway, and something other than torturing myself with trying at social stuff.  Just bury my head and attentions in some technical stuff.  Master yet another technical skill – whatever, I do that dang well.  Not that it exactly makes me “happy”, but hey, at least it’s something I can not only do and do well, but rather to exceedingly well – beat the hell out’a failing over and over and over and over and over and over and over again – despite whole helluva lot of effort to try and succeed.  So, … more focus on sh*t I can and do actually do dang well.  Whatever, maybe it’ll earn me yet more money (though that’s not an issue) and I could potentially retire even sooner – if I want … though to do what in retirement, who the hell knows – other than “not working”, can’t say I’ve really got much of anything yet that I’m looking forward to in retirement.  Yeah, would be nice to have some dreams, fantasies, etc.  My “fantasies” have been degraded to pretty dang minimal stuff (like maybe even having bit of a nice conversation?  Or maybe like more than a hug or two or three a year – if that?) – pro’lly ’cause those seem more probable to be attainable.  Stuff like “wonderful relationship, get engaged, married, live happily ever after” … yeah, not even hangin’ out in my fantasies or even dreams in more recent months/year(s) … just seems way too damn improbable – if not “impossible”.  Damn, there’s that messed up attitude (and mood) rearin’ its ugly head again – or consequence thereof.  Anyway “do something” – so I can – at least also, do some more burying my head into yet more technical stuff.  Whatever, at least it’s “something”, a helluva lot less painful than the social sh*t, and … dang, I’m even rather to quite good at it – even if I’m not exactly able to presently enjoy it.  Whatever, at least it’s something.

More (mostly cr*p) later.  Yeah, about 4 hours to write and edit this blog entry – and at that a relatively piss poor job of it.  Now, if I put about 16 hours into it, … it would be, … well, … fairly decent or so, but still not all that great.  Of course that’s only about half the material I’d want to cover for a single day.  Sure, … just need 32 hours a day to cover the blog bits – and written well, then another 24 for life or whatever, … Yeah, not really so much blogging ’cause I “want” to (do I even really want to at all?), or even ought to … really mostly just need to – nowhere else to go with it – no conversation to be had or the like.  And so it goes.

Social outings and all that – “putting” myself “out there”

2013-05-13 00:48:10 PDT

[and about 21 hours, making some edits – mostly or entirely just additions, ’cause I screwed it up significantly the first time; edits mostly or entirely within “square brackets” ([])]

So, “social outings”.  Putting myself “out there”, and all that.  How goes all that, or much more specifically, how goes that for me?  Not sure why, but still keep trying, putting – and pushing – myself out there.  Not sure why, though, or if I ought to.  Maybe it’s mostly or entirely (or nearly so) a waste?  After all, the net results, despite whole lot of repeated efforts, are about nil.  Now, that might be fine and dandy – or at least relatively okay, if this was stuff I rather to quite liked going out and doing.  But for the most part, … eh, … could take it or leave it.  Can’t say I enjoy it – certainly not much, if at all.  Can’t say its exactly horrific either.  I guess the actual doing it / going through it feels … I dunno, relatively neutral anyway?  Or approximately so.  Not much at all of a plus – or minis – at least for the most part.  But the part that does feel like a major negative – and highly so – is the so oft repeating, and so often with so much effort, and zero, or damn near zero results of any use or benefit from it – well, certainly not to my benefit anyway – at least that I can tell, detect, or most notably feel.  So, yeah, that part of it not only highly sucks, but friggin’ hurts.  Sort’a feels like I’m slamming my head into a wall over and over and over again, … just to go out and repeat and do it yet again, and again, and again.  Sort’a a form of long, slow, drawn-out torture.  Bleh.

If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.  Well, it’s obviously quite broken.  So, … needs fixin’.  But damned if I know why it doesn’t work or how the hell to fix it.  And, without knowing that, really does highly feel like just slamming my head into a wall over, and over, and over again.  Quite sucks that.

Try harder at some stuff, less hard at others?  Perhaps.  Some stuff seems absurdly improbable to be useful.  E.g. “nice friendly conversation with random stranger on commute train”.  Seems highly pointless.  Given the decades I’ve had such commutes, all the hours on such trains, all the conversations and attempts thereof, and really about zilch in meaningful connections from it – seems highly like quite the utter waste.  So, yeah, probably last several months or so I haven’t even so much as attempted that – really haven’t so much as tried to even start a conversation.  Like actually have a conversation with a stranger on ‘commute’ train (even if it’s not commute hours or whatever).  Seems damn pointless.  What’s the point?  Get my hopes up maybe, just to get ’em smashed again and again and again – not worth it.  Has never really gone anywhere for me.  Let’s see, add up the years and time commuting on such trains … yeah, estimating and adding it up, about 4,300 hours, and about zilch results – not a “date”, not a phone number not a last name or an email address [not a physical address, I don’t think so much as even a business card – save possibly ‘work only’ contact information, and if I got any contact information, never a response; provided my contact information many many many a time, and how many contacted me? … zilch – absolutely zero] – not a friend … damn friggin’ close to absolutely nothing.  No real ‘connection’ there.  So why the hell bother?  Well, certainly not for me anyway, quite “obviously” does me no particular good or use at all.  4,300 hours – that’d be like half a year … of non-stop 24×7 continuous marathon trying to make some meaningful connection and … nothing – zilch to show for it.  Imagine, over a [half] year, up, solid, marathon, surrounded by people all that time, trying to make some meaningful connection – and absolutely nothing from all that time, work, energy, resource, attempts, etc.  Quite sucks.  [Similarly, imagine more than an entire half of a year, non-stop marathon, at some “party” type even where you’re hoping and trying to meet people, and, about every 20 to 60 minutes, most all the people get changed out, though some repeat with greater frequency than others, and some don’t repeat at all – never know exactly what’s next.  Well, maybe not exactly like a “party”, but sometimes the atmosphere is very social and friendly – like mid-evening heading out from San Francisco to East Bay – most have been out to, e.g. play, performance, dinner with friends or coworkers, or drinks with coworkers after work, or some such.  Other times not as social.  Like the very first commute train of the morning.  It’s rather like The Body Snatchers – “them” – looking rather zoned out, kind’a trance-like, going through the motions, obviously not thrilled to be gong to work – and barely awake – if that.  And, my gosh, were I to speak then?  Yeah, I could imagine ghastly eerie hissing squealchy breathy sounds coming from them as I dare make a sound and disturb the regularity of the noises of the commute train and its entranced zombie-like ridership, by breaking those sounds with something as distinct as a human voice.  And they’d rise up, arms outstretched, and start walking and stumbling towards me, while still making those terrifyingly inhuman sounds.  Fortunately most all hours on the train, though, aren’t that bad.  But definitely depends – upon time, day, where the train is, where it’s going, etc.  E.g. folks are generally a lot more unhappy and quiet in the morning heading to work, compared to returning from work in the evening.  And right around the end of the workday for many – like 4pm or 5pm – whole lot of folks rather grumpily/madly rushing to get home – though they seem in slightly better mood than going in – at least they’re looking forward to getting home.  And even some modest bit later, not nearly so bad – folks relatively happy to be heading home – and seemingly much more relaxed about it.  So, rather kind’a like a party, … but not.  Maybe more like some professional or semi-professional get together.  Where one hardly knows anyone there, but you all sort’a kind have at least some slight bit in common – though not necessarily much at all.  And, … it’s like the time between sessions – when you’re standing (or sometimes sitting) around … waiting for something to happen or what’s next – but in the meantime, there’s some time.  Anyway, 4,300 hours is whole lot of hours for essentially zero results despite a whole helluva lot of trying.  That would be like two years of full-time work.  So …] Perhaps long past time to give up on that one?  Then again, not like anything else has been whole helluva lot better.  But I digress.

So, yeah, “it” aint’ working – quite obviously so.  And don’t know how to fix it.  And the “experts” don’t seem to have particularly helped, either – at least thus far.  FML

So, yes, I keep finding myself yet again – “why  bother?” – seems to have mostly been a miserable failure.  Really, quite.  Most all social gatherings/outings.  Damn hard to think of any exception(s).  Where have I made meaningful connection?  Meet someone on-line first, get to know them at least moderately, if not quite well there, and them me, then meet in person.  That’s gone quite well … well, at least when that happens.  Unfortunately most of the time it burns a whole lot of time/resource/energy/attention on-line, and hardly ends up ever meeting anyone – and even then, vast majority of those meetings end up going nowhere fast – just doesn’t work … but … fortunately, there are the (far too) rare exceptions that do actually work.  Just so damn long and hard to get to there.  E.g. make like one good friend per decade that way … actually not even quite that high a rate.  And really, that’s I think essentially where all my good friends have come from … well, going back to at least 1990 anyway.  Damn I wish I knew the answers.  Why the hell does it it just not work for me?  What am I doing “wrong”?  [Bit spoken lyric from Pink Floyd’s “The Wall” quite comes to mind:”Wrong, Do it again!”] Why does no one even tell me at all or point it out or hint at it?  [What am I doing wrong?]  Crud.  I’ve really no idea.

Well, more than enough said for now.  Can’t think of anything to add that’s not quite redundant with what I’ve ‘said'(/blogged/etc.) before.

[1]And thus endeth another weekend. With some slight exception, really had nothing to look forward to at all – for the whole week past, weekend, upcoming week, etc., etc.  Man that sucks.  Such is my life presently.  I need stuff/person(s) to actually care about – stuff I want to do, stuff to look forward to.  Have precious little of that – way too little.  But I guess that’s a hair better than exactly none.  Would be nice to be cared for/about too – not entirely absent, but, definitely also majorly lacking there too.  And so it goes.

“And when someone asks you how you are, you say ‘Fine, thanks, how are you?'” – I hate that sh*t – why do parents ‘train’ their kids to do that?  How ’bout the truth.  Becomes quite the instinctual habit – far too often I catch myself doing that, stating or implying that I’m fine or ‘good’ or the like when … yeah, more like ‘hangin’ in there’ to ‘crud’ or so would be more accurate.  Ugh.  E.g. Monday, coworker asked how my weekend was, and I instinctively snapped something like, “Good, and yours?”  It was not good, it was not fine.  It was … more like marginally tolerable – at best – last weekend, anyway.  This past weekend, maybe a hair better than that, but not by much.

[[1] And in retrospect – like by about later that morning, after having written it much earlier that morning, and too late to have time to “fix” it, before running off to work, I quite realized that I majorly screwed up that – well, if not paragraph, at least major portions thereof – rather egregious error – or set of errors.  Needs some ‘splainin’ – but rather than rewrite that paragraph, or footnote it to death (my initial inclinations), rather I’ll leave it stand as written, but, sort of “footnote” that whole paragraph as a whole and explain and correct and clarify.  “Slight exception” – an unfair characterization.  At least one good, noteworthy exception, but perhaps I quite downplay it – and did so when I wrote that, for various reasons (with, and without, merit).  What I had in mind when I wrote that, was bit of visit with a good friend.  Nothing “slight” about that; exceptional, yes; though also very much limited/limiting too – and no, I ain’t gonna explain that.  So, very good to have that visit, and time, even if relatively short, and a whole lot of interaction and communication just can’t happen there (not gonna explain that) and wasn’t even much time/opportunity for it anyway.  So, unfair and inaccurate characterization, and potentially egregiously so, particularly as said friend does also read my blogs, and may have thought, guessed, or suspected that might’ve been what I was referring to.  So, yes, very sorry that I wrote it like that – at least as it first came out.  Look forward to?  Yes, quite looked forward to that.  But, also – I guess psychological survival – at least in my head, I also effectively “downplay” that a lot – try not too look forward to it too much – or really a whole heck of a lot at all – though I can’t help but significantly look forward to it.  Psychological survival?  Not anyone’s fault, but there’s a rather high element of unpredictability and notably effective and/or actual unavailability.  So, yeah, I don’t want to get my hopes up – especially way up, when there’s significant probability things might need to be changed or cancelled, and quite no idea how long it might be ’till we might possibly be able to meet again – and such could happen again.  So, … try to just “take it as it is” and not pin my hopes on something that just well may not occur and I’ve got about zero control over.  (Yes I’m being kind’a vague, no I ain’t gonna explain.)  And, persons/stuff to care about – yeah, do quite have that at least with said friend – do quite care about friend – very much so.  But – (lacking) stuff to look forward to, precious little – relatively accurate characterizations.  Precious?  Yes.  Little?  Think of flow.  Thinking of wanting – at least ideally – flow of communication … like … and unrestricted fire hose.  Then think instead of chilled molasses through a cocktail straw.  Yeah, analogies generally suck, but for lack of better one?  Anyway, something very roughly like that – very precious, and one frickin’ whole helluva lot better than precisely and absolutely nothing, but, at the same time, effectively verylimited/constrained.  And more than a “hair better” than exactly none.   Quite significant, let at the same time highly limited/constrained.  And, not (me) uncared for either, that’s there too, said friend certainly quite cares for/about me.  But again, too, if nothing else, in many practical ways, that’s rather to quite highly limited.  So, damn fine friend ‘n all that, but at the same time, major limitations between us.  And too, in my mood being rather/quite sucky and down, that tends to make everything feel/seem like less – so that probably also causes me to underemphasize where I ought emphasize more.  Hopefully I’ve not said “too much”, but hopefully that reasonably corrects – and better explains.]

It hurts

2013-05-07 19:51:07 PDT

It hurts (and in more ways than one) – all the aloneness, isolation, not connected, unreached, untouched, etc., etc.

Analogies generally rather, suck, but … I was quite thinking earlier, on my way home, and, perhaps for lack of better attempt to explain, and maybe feeling my (attempt) at humor on the somewhat to quite ironic, bit sarcastic, and slightly perverse and twisted side of things, I come up with kind’a descriptive analogy that follows.  And analogy quite of me noticing it, feeling it, others looking, examining, offer advice, prescribing treatments, etc., goes something rather to quite analogous to the following.  All the king’s horses and all th e king’s men … no, wrong analogy.

Owe!  That friggin’ hurts!  Buggers, … how’d I not notice that going in?  Ayiee!  And I look down, to find the better part of a sword jammed through my leg.  How the hell did that happen?  Well, it friggin’ hurts … a lot!  And, … many months later – really around a year or so or more, it’s still there, and still hurts! … though I’ve gotten more “used to it” – though I could never get fully used to it.  Actually, maybe it’s been there longer – perhaps growing like that, maybe even for a very long time, and I didn’t notice it earlier?  Anyway, certainly been there at least around a year or so now – perhaps more.  Yeah, it’s more settled in there now, bandaged up better, change the dressings well and regularly enough, learned to more-or-less almost even ignore it while even walking with it there, but it’s still friggin’ there, and still hurts – yeah, asprin and the like doesn’t do all that much – takes the edge off a bit, but an expensive placebo is about as effective at that.

And, what have I done to try and get it better – treated, resolved, removed, or whatever?  Well, I was pretty surprised to find a sword sticking though my leg.  I think an acquaintance or friend of sorts first noticed something there and kind’a hinted I might wanna look into what’s going on there, and I check, and there’s a friggin’ sword stuck there.  Ouch!  No wonder it wasn’t feelin’ good at all.

So, of course first thing I do is go look it up on The Internet.  Is it in fact a sword that’s stuck in my leg?  Take some on-line tests and such.  Most seem to indicate it’s not a nothing, and it’s probably larger than a pen knife.  But test results on-line vary.  One said it was a guillotine blade, but most seemed to suggest something closer to sword – e.g. rapier, Samurai sword, while some indicated dagger, butcher’s knife, etc.  The better tests seemed to point towards sword, but whatever, I’m not an expert on these things, so I seek out more experienced and relatively expert advice.

So, I consult with some who know a bit more about blade/flesh injuries and the like.  Most seem to state that it’s likely a sword, but could be something else – especially if it happens to be something similar.  Some also suggest getting a proper professional diagnosis, and as applicable, treatment.  So, I learn what I can about it, and go get actual professional referral, examination, etc.  So, the generallist is like, “Yeah, should pro’lly have specialist look at that.”, so referral off to specialist.  And, specialist is like, “Yeah, I think it may have to do with early environmental history of your leg, and we should delve into that.”  Whereas I’m thinking it’s more likely something about the fundamental nature of the – what seems to be sword – and/or my leg, and how they came together.  Regardless, we examine the environment in which my leg grew up.  Specialist is of the general opinion that my leg didn’t properly learn how to deal with blades and swords growing up – on account of a sh*t teacher and some kids being quite nasty to me.  Whatever.  Even get referred to and take a specialized training class that should help my leg (and me) significantly better with regard to the apparent sword there quite paining me.  Do the class ‘n all that, take the training – interesting informative stuff, but in net, doesn’t really seem to have done much for the apparent sword in the leg thing – though perhaps it made me feel slightly less stressed and a hair more assured and confident about it.  Anyway, that was the more-or-less best professional’s crack at it.  Of course there were and are always lots of quacks too, and leading/bleeding edge theories and approaches too.  You know, … like try meditation, acupuncture, massage, herbs, aromatherapy, soothing music, much etc.  At least mostly didn’t seem too likely to me to be all that useful.

And, of course friends and family and the like – well, at least those that bothered to notice there was a sword stickin’ out of my leg and comment upon it, they too, of course, often chimed in with “advice”, trying to be helpful.  As too, sometimes did random and semi-random acquaintances that happened to notice.  Try running an electric current through it.  Vegan diet, that should help with that.  You need to join a commune … a polygamous one.  There’s this really big powerful hydraulic press – should be able to squash that sword thingy real flat just fine.  Have you tried swimming?  Warm water pools?  Perhaps a nice long vacation?  What if it’s a single’s cruise?  Foreign women – go travel to some foreign country, meet some nice foreign woman, she’ll fix you good.  Oh, you were engaged for over 8 years to someone living in another country?  Maybe try a different country, or a much shorter engagement … there’s Vegas, ya’ know.  Rock climbing, that should help tone up the leg and build strength and resilience.  You know, a stripper or a prostitute could be real understanding about something like that – maybe you should go see one.  Walks, hikes, fresh air, sunshine – all should quite help that – you need to get out more, do stuff you like doing.  Oh, it friggin’ hurts like hell?  Uhm, well, … whatever, just do it anyway.  Magnets.  If you wear these magnets around your wrists, … uhm, maybe your ankle on that leg too …  There’s this cool shop that has really good healing crystals – you should go there and get one – just be sure to get the right type and one that’s properly blessed – you don’t want one of those other crystals, or it won’t work.  Are you taking vitamins?  How ’bout some good supplements?  Have you tried Tiger Balm?  I hear that’s real good for that.  Vitamin E?  Bio Oil – that will also reduce the scarring.  Did you try a bath in Epsom Salt?  What about tomato juice, lemon juice, or vinegar?  I hear cider vinegar does wonders for that.  Did you call that Psychic Friends number I gave you?  The First Family has used it, so it’s gotta be good and reliable, right?  God will heal that good, just believe and pray, and I’ll pray for you too. It’s the corrupt government that caused that – {social/commun/ideal}ism (or anarchy) will fix that. Single payer national health care would fix that.  They got that in Canada, you know.  I think there’s a flaw in the blade metal that’s causing your pain.  We should replace it with a better quality sword.  You could probably get a medical marijuana prescription for that, that might help – well, at least your appetite, anyway.

And I keep lookin’ at the damn thing, and thinking, really, there should be a much more clear and obvious way of well taking care of this.  But damned if I know what it is.  And thus far all the advice and even professional examination and recommendation, “treatment” and training for such – it really hasn’t helped much.

And it’s still friggin’ there, and yeah, it still hurts a lot – though I often try to ignore it as much as I can – not that ignoring it makes it feel better, or that it’s easily ignored, but paying a helluva lot of attention to it also doesn’t seem to make it feel better – sometimes even causes it to hurt a lot worse – like trying to pull or twist or press that blade about, when it seems quite a bit less painful to just leave it where it is, and mostly just not touch it – much as I want it – or at least the pain, to go away.

Action Plan (?) … and other stuff

2013-05-05 22:12:07 PDT

So, … been thinking about it a fair while.  Mostly starting around roughly a week or so ago – around, and a bit before when I posted I don’t wanna.

Rather need an “action plan” … of sorts.  Or, to plan some action(s).  Wallowing in self-pity or the like isn’t good, particularly if done “too long” and/or too much of the time.  Okay, maybe some of that is relatively unavoidable, but regardless, need to make that “better” – or at least make some reasonable attempts thereof.  Notably, try something – kind’a almost anything – just not be stuck in the same, when the same sucks.

“When you’re going through hell, keep going.” – Winston Churchill

So, don’t just keep doing the same (or the same nothing), if that quite highly sucks. In other words, “Don’t stay there – keep going.”
So … plans, … and observations. And throwing a “pitty party” – not a good idea. Who’d wanna go to that? Certainly not me. Not even if it was my own party.

So, plans.  First, a quite general idea.  “Do something.”.  Almost anyhthing – just do it!  It’s not like I don’t have “stuff to do”.  There’s always “stuff” to do, and plenty of it.  “Problem” – at least mostly, is mood/motivation.  Don’t feel like doing anything, not enjoying anything and certainly feeling there’s nothing I’d enjoy – at least that’s available to me to do.  Well, the hell with that (even if it might be true).  Do something(s) anyway.  And why?  Well, multiple reasons. Most notably, it gets some stuff actually done.  Generally good and/or useful stuff – even if very marginally so – at least for having done or getting done, that’s at least a bit better than, well, getting “nothing” done, or quite minimal.  So, do something.  Even if it’s hard, even if it’s painful, even if I don’t wanna, even if I can’t see, think, feel, or imagine myself liking doing it or even liking having had done it.  Friggin’ suck it up and do it anyway.  Why?  Because it gets stuff done – even if that “stuff” doesn’t matter all that much, maybe even quite infinitesimally, it’s still at least something, which, when at least some slight trace good/beneficial/useful or the like, is generally better than a comparative nothing; so – do something!.  And, why else?  Well, because even if I can’t appreciate it or enjoy it at all, or enjoy or appreciate what’s done now, at least later, looking back on it, I’ll generally think and feel better about having done something, rather than quite nothing.  So, “do something”.  And it’s not like I don’t have a lot of something(s) to do.  Really I’ve quite the long list of such.  Rather a “to do” / “never ending list of doom” / “wish list” – long list, very long list, of “stuff to do”.  So, … “do stuff”.  And not that it appreciably “fixes” anything, or make me feel better – hell, doin’ it – at least some of it, might even feel worse – well f*ck that, just do it anyway.  Push on through.  So, that’s part of “the” / a plan.  Do stuff.  Again, not that it necessarily fixes anything or much of anything.  But rather that, at least generally, it’s at least slightly better, overall, compared to doing “nothing”.  So, … “do something”.

Other related, not-so-related, and semi-random observations and the like.

Fickle.  Flighty.  Mood not so “well grounded”.  Far too easily influenced by “external factors” – and mostly stuff that either ought not matter, or ought not have that much impact upon how I feel.  It’s not like it absolutely and totally gets randomly knocked about, but rather, more like it ought be much more solid and secure, and not blown/knocked about so easily, by the slightest – or rather minor – of breeze or influence.  At “deeper levels”, is quite well anchored, solid, strong, secure, but it’s the upper/surface layers, and at least fair bit in/towards the middle, that gets knocked/influenced about far too easily.   Not sure exactly why that is, or even particularly how it is.  And … some things have much more influence than others.  Not sure exactly why that is, either.  But, e.g., some examples (and also counter-examples).  Close friend I quite trust and like.  Opinions, thoughts, comments, reactions – even lack thereof – that’ll often knock how I feel all over the place … from quite good/excellent, to quite cr*p – and most anything between.  But at the same time, even from very much the same person, some, even many, of those opinions, thoughs, comments, reactions, and even lack thereof, will often have little to no impact or influence.  Not sure particularly what makes such a huge difference there.  I’m guessing it’s probably some combination of – and I don’t know the weighting – or even which factors may not even be significant or applicable at all – how the person feels about/towards me, and/or more specifically regarding item/matter/comment at hand, how I feel about that/them, how significant – or insignificant that item/issue is to me, how strong/secure/grounded I am and feel in/around that area – or much more insecure/raw/exposed/vulnerable and not so well grounded or such in that area, whether and to what extent I value/trust/believe their thoughts/opinion/perspective on the matter at hand, my thoughts/perspective on the matter (agree, disagree, shocked and surprised by their observation/commentary – pleasantly or unpleasantly, or not at all surprised), and probably additional factors that don’t jump to mind or I’ve not thought of.  What about “others” – other persons and random influences.  Some influence fairly similarly, some have close to zero or zero impact.  E.g. work, coworkers, random happenings at work – some stuff will rather majorly impact my mood and how I feel (even if/when it quite ought not do so at all), and other things – even which one might think would significantly to majorly impact my mood and how I feel – or would likely impact most people – will often have quiet small to zero or so impact.  Again, not sure why that is.  But I’d guess relatively similar set, but of different factors, play into such – some of which cause much impact, others little to zero impact.   And yet others, zero or close to zero impact.  E.g. random stranger who doesn’t know me from a whole in the ground – what they say to me, perhaps even do to me, will typically have zero to dang near zero impact.  Probably mostly because I also don’t know them at all, and haven’t developed any kind of opinion of their perspective/opinion/comment or the like – so I don’t yet value it – positively or negatively.  Rather like it’s just some random piece of data, which may not at all necessarily be valid data.  A mere piece of data, which may not really be information, nor at all useful, at least in-and-of-itself.  Yet, on the other hand, and somewhat analogous to good friend, for those I like, wish to influence, or most notably wish to have like and care about me and be interested in me, well, their opinions, reactions, etc. of/towards me, can quite majorly impact how I feel – even if it quite ought not to – regardless, it does.  Not sure how to “fix” all that, or even if it’s “fixable”, per se.  I am human after all – and that includes a lot of imperfections, and, egad, feelings and emotions and the like.

Fickle, flighty, (partially) “ungrounded”.  And I say “partially”, ’cause deeper down, things are quite solid, etc.  But what can, does, and/or might “fix” that, or make that a whole helluva lot better?  Relationship?  Ah, “yes” … but a somewhat qualified “yes”.  Sure, great, wondeful, solid, nurturing, caring, supportive (but not coddling, etc.) relationship – that helps … helps a whole helluva lot.  I think I’ve generally quite been at my best when in such relationship.  Unfortunately that’s been way too small a percentage of the time.  But, really, also, shouldn’t “need” a relationship for that – or at least not for most of that.  I ought be able to, at least mostly, quite do that for myself.  After all, it’s not like I’m not worth it and don’t “deserve” such support, care, etc. And I’m sure quite excellent at providing such to someone else (despite the fact that I can’t friggin’ get a date – but that’s another matter … having folks that actually finally get to know me very well, actually like, even very much love me – that, at least generally, ain’t been a problem … problem there has mostly been meeting folks, social interaction, and getting anywhere reasonably close to the point where anyone actually knows me reasonably well at all – most just don’t, and never will – very few exceptions to that that are, or ever even were, on the planet).  So, … I ought somehow manage to better nurture and support myself, etc.  And most especially when I feel like cr*p – as I don’t so much “need” such support when I feel good/excellent – or even mostly “okay”.  “Love thyself.”?  I’ve never been particularly good at that – and also tends not to work well for me.  I can end up with an attitude (arrogance, etc.), that is rather to highly counter-productive (not to mention being rather off-putting, etc.) – so that ain’t exactly the answer.  But at least it’s not like I “hate myself” or anything like that.  More generally, and typically, it’s more like “like myself” – which for the most part, and most of the time, seems quite “good enough”.  But how do I better care for myself – notably nurture, support, etc., when I feel quite like crud?  When I most could use the support, and, as is far too often the case, there’s nobody else there to support and care for me, so, … it comes down to me.  How do I well, or at least reasonably, do that, and when I feel least “capable” of doing so?  And why, when I feel so quite “down” like that, can I still rather to quite well care for and help others, and do so helluva lot better than I can manage to do so for myself?  Hmmmm… I don’t know, and quite unsure how to “fix” that, or even significantly improve that.  But if/were I able to, or when I could do so, I think that’d make for … well, not only help me feel better and “recover” better and the like, but also would make for a “more solid core” – and … especially a lot of those upper/surface layers, and much of the “in the middle”, that seems/feels far too fickle/flighty, and easily influenced about in how I feel – much more “knocked and blown about” than seems ought to be the case.

People, connections, interaction/social – vs. “things” and inanimates and the like.  Yes, (semi-)random additional things, but very important.  I feel rather to quite ripped/torn/conflicted.  Trying, pulling, going and attempting to go, in two very distinct and different (if not almost diametrically opposed – or at least orthogonal) directions at the same time.  Notably being – trying to be more “connected’ … social interaction and attempts thereof, e.g., hell, attempting to actually like gain some good friend(s) – like ones I could actually quite have a meaningful significant conversation with – and about stuff I actually deeply felt and cared about … yeah, okay, so unfortunately not exactly anywhere close to that (sure, one good friend – but can’t exactly do the communication thing much – and no, I ain’t gonna explain).  So, sure, a major “gap” there that I’d very much like to fill.  Hell, ideally, a relationship – damn fine excellent one, etc., etc., but, heck, a decent friend I could quite communicate and converse with would be a good start (and heck, prerequisite).  So, sure, want to have that, want to work on that.  “But” (excuses, excuses?).  Its hard, damn friggin’ hard.  Trying so damn hard, over and over and over and over, etc., and even often rather to quite getting the hopes up – yes, something here ‘n there, often seems like maybe, just maybe there might be some real possibility there, and … disappointment after disappointment after crushing dissappointment, ad nauseum.  It’s friggin’ harddamn hard.  And, especially after a while, it can get, not only highly discouraging, but really, frankly, friggin’ exceedingly depressing.  The trying and trying and trying ad infinitum with (mostly) nothing but failure, failure, failure, failure, ad infinitum, it friggin’ hurts, hurts like hell, and is damm f*cking depressing and discouraging (with negligible to zero exception), so, really, after a while, I just can’t do it – can’t face it, can’t even try – at all, … gotta take a break from it – pull back, “regroup”.  Just often not up for it, especially after so many continuous defeats and nothing but.  So, … I stop trying and quite pull back … at least for a while.  Maybe even sometimes fairly long while.  It’s not like I don’t want the friendship, connection, etc., it’s really just that I can’t friggin’ bear the pain of too many oft repeated defeats.  Just friggin’ can’t stand or tolerate it any more.  So, at least sometimes, quite have to step back from it.  Take a break … at the least.  And, really, thing I often, perhaps too often, find myself pondering, is maybe I really ought just totally give up on that.  Not even friggin’ try.  Whole lot of resource burn, for about zero results.  Sure, would be my loss (and theirs), but really, is it worth it?  Only so much time in my life.  I’m already past 50.  Some things I’m good at, even very good at.  But … social interactions, making friends?  Not one of them – not even anywhere close.  Maybe I ought just friggin’ give up on that, stop trying … period, and “just” work on stuff I am good and effective at.  And just friggin’ learn to deal with it – be friggin’ alone and lonely … forever.  Just figure out how to be, live, and deal with that “okay” anyway … forever.  Maybe I’m just not “wired” for establishing quality interactions with humans.  Yeah, I can quite do the quality interactions, … it’s the getting there that I highly suck at.  Maybe I ought just very much give up on that – maybe it’s just not fixable.

So, pulled in “conflicting” different (opposite?  or orthogonal) directions.  Yeah, sure, there’s the obvious – “connection”, social interaction, friends (or attempts thereof), relationship (yeah, fat chance ‘o that).  Try more, harder, differently, and again and again.  Or friggin’ just give up, walk away, don’t try, try not to even think about it.  Sure there’s that.  But also (orthogonal?) – inanimates.  Objects, things, electronics/computers/code.  I’m very well accomplished there.  Could probably also yet do helluva lot more and even better there.  So, maybe, I, at least mostly, just focus a lot more time/energy/attention there.  Keep tryin’ to make the world a much better place … just me not at all much connected to any other person(s) at all, in how I go about doing that, … “that’s all”.  Hey, at least it’s something I’m quite good at.  Helluva lot more “comforting”, or at least reassuring, to pour lots of time, effort, energy, resources, etc., into something and … actually have it go rather to exceedingly well.  Rather than nothing (or almost nothing) but failure after failure after failure after failure after failure.  After a while, it’s like, why the hell keep working at what one fails at and is, apparently very obviously no good at?  Why not instead pour the time/focus/energies into what one is actually at least decent at, if not highly effective, good, and competent at?  So, yeah, I do feel myself rather to, even highly, “pulled” in that direction.  Rather like, “The f*uck with people” (well, at least me attemtpting to establish meaningful connections, anyway), and rather, just deal with, work on, etc. inanimates – and in areas where I’m rather to highly good and effective.  Maybe I make people’s lives better by making them easier, more comfortable, more efficient, healthier, safer, more convenient, more effective, etc., etc., without, myself, ever “connecting” with anybody.  Maybe that’s (mostly) “all” I’m cut out to do, and can reasonably do or hope to achieve.  So, “do something” – yeah, I mostly find myself leaning very heavily in favor of the inanimates.  Maybe humans mostly just suck at connecting.  Or maybe it’s our so called “civilization” and society that’s so bad at it.  Or maybe it’s just me that so highly sucks at it (though seems it’s quite a significant portion of the population that seems/feels so rather to highly disconnected – so seems the “problem”/issue is helluva lot broader than “just me” – though I may still be quite in the minority, though a sizable minority).  So, yeah, computers is my friend – sure, no human warmth, no touch, no meaningful intelligent conversation, no “humanity” to ’em, but sure as hell got their advantages too – never hate, despise, or even dislike anyone (or like or love – whatever), they don’t abandon or walk away or ignore, never start or perpetuate wars or aggression – certainly not by themselves or of their own volition, exceedingly logical, just do precisely and exactly what they’re told, really no faults of their own to speak of (“This sort of thing has cropped up before, and it has always been due to human error.” – HAL 9000, 2001: A Space Odyssey).  So, maybe some day – or in cumulative impact – I’ll manage to do something that makes the planet a much nicer place to live, or at least improves human lives for some fair number of people, or quite possibly many more.  And maybe nobody will ever know it was me that did it – and maybe that’s just as well anyway.  Maybe I won’t even know.

And yeah it friggin’ hurts.  No, I don’t want pitty; besides, pitty parties suck.  So what, I can deal with it.  Ain’t gonna kill me (at least not quickly, anyway).

Me and Communication

2013-05-04 03:39:49 PDT

Me, and Communication.

First of all, minor aside – I don’t wanna and all that.  Much follow-up/follow-on blogging I wish to do on that – many relevant thoughts, etc., but, want to first cover what’s much more topically on my mind – communication – and, I’ve already drafted quite a bit regarding communication, whereas most all the stuff related to the I don’t wanna – is mostly just bumping around in my head, and hasn’t been typed out at all.  And, in case one was curious, my mood … slightly/moderately better than when I mostly wrote that I don’t wanna blog entry … but not all that substantially different.  And the mood is also relatively fickle and not nearly as “grounded” as it ought be … but I digress.  That’s for some subsequent blog posting to cover/update and follow-on to that.

So, a whole lot of thoughts – and also observations, even feelings, etc., regarding me and communication.  Been rather to quite thinking of that again (and typing up and writing/drafting stuff on it – most of which ought go on blog), and fair bit of it driven from some bits of specific feedback, but much, even most of it, from my own observations and thoughts on the matter.  And “the matter” is right.  Yes, something’s the matter with it.  At least generally.

What’s the matter with it?  I really wish I knew – quite similar to some other things I quite wish I knew, but am really highly in the dark about.

So, what does – and doesn’t – work with me and communication – most notably me attempting to communicate; let’s mostly ignore the bit about my reception of communication – at least for this blog posting, anyway (besides, as far as I know that’s somewhere between “okay” and quite good – certainly mostly seem to take things in quite well enough; perhaps fall rather to quite short on the “active listening” of the receiving side, but other than that, mostly seems to work between “okay” and quite well – at least in my guestimation).

First, what does work (hey, to knock it out of the way, ’cause it’s quite a bit “smaller” anyway).  I manage to be rather to quite the “good listener” – but alas, that’s reception bit – again, let’s skip that.

  • “Delivery” – on stuff I’m well versed in, e.g. fair number of technical topics, particularly in certain areas of interest/specialization/career to me, but others too, I can pontificate quite effectively.  Yeah, probably not ideally or highly optimally, but pretty darn well.  “Well enough” to be pretty darn good and efficient with the delivery information (often outperforming others by as much as around 4 to 1 (or more) on that – not to be braggin’ on that, but taking actually returned feedback forms, and quantifying to the extent feasible, that’s what it sometimes, and even fairly commonly, works out to).  So, yeah, I can quite well deliver such material, know such things dang well, can quite expertly field and answer questions (and do so), etc. A professional success (at least as and to the extent I do that … not that that’s mostly what I do, but not to uncommonly at part of what I at least occasionally do).
  • diarrhea of the mouth; the gift/curse of gab – most of the time I’m pretty darn quiet/silent, but … I can get going, and sometimes, and with some folks (but alas, definitely not the majority), that can and does actually work quite well.  Yes, some folks do very well with and can very effectively “suck up” and effectively use (and mostly “absorb” and/or process) a rather to quite heavy and steady flow of information/dialog – e.g. for hours or more on end (if/when my voice can actually handle that; do so damn little talking, can’t talk all that long at even a normal conversational volume – but at much quieter level I can go on much longer … or … well, … at least I think/hope I still can … don’t really know – haven’t had such occasion in … geez, … literally decades – at least for hours or more at a stretch, anyway).  Uhm, okay, so maybe that’s the quite rare exception?  But too, we’re talking small number statistics – not like I’ve done all that much conversing with all that many people.  So, percentage-wise, at least within my limited observations and experience, though most aren’t up to receiving that much at that kind of rate for that long, a non-trivial percentage are quite to highly up to and for it.  So, given someone that can take it in, I can pour it out – certainly at least if I’m sufficiently with what I’m communicating to whom.
  • “good” honest, forthright communication.  I’m a damn honest communicator.  Perhaps even to a fault.  I do that quite well, and care to.  I generally communicate what ought be communicated – certainly at least for stuff that particularly matters – and at least in circumstances of, say, existing relationship or quite good friend or better; also many other situations, e.g. relevant work contexts – I won’t be silent on what needs to be said or is particularly important to be said.  Sure, maybe I ought say more sooner, too, but for the most part I typically say approximately “enough”, and as relevant and appropriate (and important) in such contexts.  But not nearly so much (if even hardly at all) in more general social contexts.  So, … I do that rather to quite well in functional contexts, not social contexts … well, except in rather to quite well established “relationship” (rather to quite good friends or better) – communicate (at least generally and as feasible) rather to quite well there (but generally highly suck in other social contexts).

Okay, so much for what (more-or-less mostly) “works” – on me communicating well.  What doesn’t work – with me doing the communicating.  Oye, I fear this will be a long list – even if I forget to cover bunches of it, and/or coalesce a lot of overlapping or semi-overlapping areas:

  • social – I generally suck at social communication/interaction.  I quite wish I knew why/how that is, but I’m really quite without clue on that.  Sure, know some bits, but whole helluva lot I don’t know that goes wrong there – obviously very wrong, and far too repeatedly.  I can more-or-less do the idle chit-chat / banter – at least one-on-one (much worse at it in group settings), but as far as making more meaningful connections, all the evidence would indicate I mostly highly suck at that, and I’ve no clue as to why.  It’s not like there aren’t exceptions – sure, sometimes well connect with someone.  But those exceptions are so exceedingly rare, something’s got to be going significantly wrong in the other 99.97253% of the cases/interactions.  (okay, maybe that’s not the actual percentage, but it’s got to be in at least the high 90-something percentage range, almost certainly over 98%, and probably over 99%).  Stats/data?  Yeah, e.g. despite whole lot of effort and trying, how many good friends do I make how often?  Less than one a decade – really more like average of about one every 15 years or so.  Quite the sucky rate.  About similar for relationships.  Yeah, been trying to “date” again.  How’s that going?  <cough, cough>  Well, last about 2 years of that, met a grand total of 5 people, and how many of those have I gone out with – or even met more than 3 times?  Yeah, only 2, one of which – far as I can tell, seems unlikely anything’s gonna happen there (I rarely hear back, if at all), and the other – okay, so I got lucky, great friendship, but … relationship?  Not goin’ there – at all.  So, yep, generally quite sucks and have quite sucked at that – communication/interaction, in social context.  Even all the way back into school … college, made almost zero friends (pretty close, almost none particularly good/close, and not many more “casual” friends or whatever), and pretty much lost contact with those few I cared to stay in contact with beyond college.  12th through 6th grade?  Had  grand total of 2 friends … one at a time, over that span of time.  5th grade and earlier?  I think never really more than 2 friends concurrently – mostly just one at a time, and didn’t change all that frequently.  Not really sure before about 1st grade or kindergarten or so – my memory just doesn’t go back that far.  So, for all my efforts, and wanting to be much more connected, what goes wrong, why doesn’t it happen?  For the most part, I really don’t know, and quite wish I did.  
  • eye contact – important, and I’m fairly sucky about that.  With a lot of conscious effort and attention, I can do fair bit better on that – but I mostly only find that works okayish for me, if it’s one-on-one and the person is talking to me.  If I’m doing the talking, most of the time, and especially in group settings, looking at, watching, even glancing at other folks, as I’m talking, I find highly distracting.  I tend to totally lose my train of thought – pretty much any movement or reaction or action, even the slightest, as I’m looking at someone – or even looking fairly close towards them, tends to distract the hell out’a me, and I quite forget what I’m talking about – end to drop and stall mid-sentence, and forget what I was talking about, and can’t quickly remember and jump back into it – or even skip ahead to what’s next, or review what was before – all drops from my attention with the distraction, and I quite forget most anything and everything I was saying, said, or was about to say.  E.g. even in work meetings such as highly regular status meetings, where I’m giving verbal reports on status on various things – I’d very much not look at the other folks as I’d give my report.  If I did look, even glanced, as I was talking, I’d totally forget what I was attempting to cover.  So, yeah, I generally quite suck at eye contact – at least where I’m talking, and especially in group settings.  I dunno, maybe if I gave it a whole helluva lot of practice I’d to better with it, for figure out how to compensate?  Or maybe not – maybe I’m just “wired that way”, and there’s little to nothing I can do about it.
  • (social) group settings – I quite highly suck at that – most especially group social interactive, but even more generally than just social – certainly at least for what would typically be multi-way interaction situation.  I mostly end up saying almost nothing.  Not sure precisely how/why that’s the case, but, as I think what to say, usually by the time I’ve organized the thought and words enough that it’s otherwise appropriate, relevant, and timely to say, well … the conversation has quite moved on, and it’s become quite untimely to bring it up or add it that much later – so I typically don’t, and this repeats, over and over and over and over.  I’m also not particularly assertive, or comfortable with being so, so I’m generally not gonna interrupt other folks while they’re talking; which, in many group situations, if one doesn’t interrupt to talk, one ain’t gonna talk – and that happens with me a lot.  Typical group social events, e.g. I go to an event of about 50 folks, where I more-or-less no none of them, and most there also don’t know anyone else, or hardly anyone else … yeah, I end up spending the vast majority of the time, by myself, talking to no one, and no one talking to me … not that I wouldn’t want to be conversing, but mostly just doesn’t happen.  And when I look around in such a situation, I’m quite the minority.  There may occasionally be a very few others similar in that regard, but it’s typically an exceedingly small number/percentage – figure well under 5%.  Well, for better or worse, I’m typically well within that much less than 5%  Other typical scenario, modest group (say 6 total) of folks I know semi-well – e.g. some coworkers.  Hanging out, talking/conversing and … typically, I’m generally silent most or all the time.  Again, not that I don’t want to say anything; usually just a matter of poor timing and not being sufficiently assertive (and/or impolite) to interrupt.  So, by the time I’m set to say something, it’s no longer timely or sufficiently appropriate – so I don’t talk.  Or I never get opportunity, without interrupting – so I don’t.  I know, e.g., some coworker(s) have quite remarked on the rather rare occasion when I did speak – perhaps to call attention to its relative rarity – but to also encourage the other coworkers to shut up and listen for a change, rather than flap their jaws with never a moment’s silence among them.
  • communication style – perhaps more so now, but I’m getting some (presumably) good feedback on that.  And, much like my writing, my verbal communication also quite similarly sucks, … actually, probably – almost assuredly – sucks even much worse than my writing.  See, with my writing, you’re spared the most raw direct stream-of-consciousness form.  You get the generally edited after-the-fact version – often reedited many times and substantially revised, reorganized, shuffled around, cleaned up, etc., and … it still qutie sucks.  Well, the verbal … uhm, … yeah, … lots more sucky than the writing.  Generally exception would be my pontification upon some subject area I’m well versed in – that I can do, and comes out quite “organized” … pro’lly cause my head’s already been over the material hundreds or thousands of times or more (often ’cause I use it “all the time”, or at least quite commonly/frequently).  But, try to talk about, oh, what I’m thinking or feeling, generally, of the top-of-my-head, or likewise reaction or thoughts on something I’d not been exposed to before.  Uhm, yeah.  The form it comes out in … though it works well for some (a small but non-trivial minority), for most, it rather to quite sucks.  They find it (and can’t say I blame them) distracting, relatively unorganized, too many qualifications, exceptions, conditionals, much etc. – I dunno exactly how to best describe it, but hopefully you get the general idea of what I’m attempting to describe.  So, yeah, that tends to work rather to quite ineffectively with most people – though there are significant exceptions.  And I don’t know if it’s feasible for me to change that – or at least significantly/usefully so.  In writing I can do it – fix it, clean it up.  I know (more-or-less) how to do that.  But even with the writing, at least for me, it’s an exceedingly burdensome task to do or attempt to do that.  E.g. it’ll take me about 5 to 10 or more times the effort/time/resources to do such reediting/rewriting/clean-up of my writing – so often it’s just not worth doing or attempting to do – or at least not very much, anyway.  Okay, so maybe this time around you’re not getting a significantly re(rererere)edited version – not that that would improve it a whole helluva lot anyway.  Especially if it’s just gonna be read/skimmed once by one person, and then discarded or never reread – even if it was written highly well the first time they read my writing.  So, yeah, my style quite sucks on that.  “Fixable” in written form (with inordinately large amounts of time/energy/effort).  Another thing that, in written form, make it highly taxing for me to correct/edit, well, a couple of things.  First of all, since it’s rather to quite poorly written to start with, it’s hard for even me to read it, when I wrote it!  That makes it very difficult, and despite that I typically know quite what the author had in mind.  So, yeah, how it’s written/drafted, is hard and distracting for even me too, to read it.  And other things that make it especially hard for dealing with written form, and revising it – my head tends to know exactly what I wanted to communicate – so it tends to quite follow that train of thought – which may be rather to quite different than what actually got written.  My head also tends to go off on tangents, again, quite ignoring what’s actually written.  My head tends to not pay attention to what I have written, as it already quite presumes it knows what the intended communication was, and finds reading some written attempt at it to be an inferior source of information, and redundant to what’s already know.  And also making it very hard – sometimes exceedingly so, given those circumstances, my reading, and rereading it, especially when I try and focus my attention on what I actually wrote – tends to bore my head to death – so much so it’ll often tend to have me drift off to sleep … and not for lack of sleep – no matter how much sleep I got prior to such.  I could get 10 or more hours sleep the two nights before, then read some of my own writing in the middle of the morning, and my head will be nodding off highly repeatedly, over, and over, and over again (yeah, redundant … empahsis).  In verbal form?  I don’t know that I can “fix” that, or even come close.  Perhaps because it runs close to how I think, and stuff first comes out (and even how it mostly subsequently comes out).  I really don’t think I could so radically change how I think, such that the verbal communication would come out much better – or even significantly different – the first time around.  So, yeah, can be quite “taxing” for others to listen to.  Also, at least in part … not only honesty and the like, but precision.  Career, etc., I tend to be precise in how I say things – it is often important, if not critical.  So that tends to go to my more general writing, and also speaking.  My statements tend to be highly factually accurate.  And in most/many cases, that “needs” a lot of qualification, caveats, exceptions, etc.  So, while perhaps useful, even important, in many cases in, e.g. my professional work (and similar contexts), can be … uh, a significant encumbrance in more general (e.g. social/casual) circumstances/constructs.  But, … it’s not like some switch I can just turn on and off – certain at least not something I’ve figured our or learned how to do, anyway.  In many regards, mybe I’m just “hard wired” that way – quite the general way I “think” and stuff comes out, and it’s not feasible to change?  Or, maybe it’s changeable with practice.  Lots of practice.  But I’ve highly no audience (not even an audience of one) to have a conversation with.  Where the hell would I get sufficient regular and quite repeated feedback to have even a fighting chance of improving that?  So, perhaps far too late to significantly change that … even if it were otherwise possible.
  • Hmmm, maybe there aren’t “all that many” ways/areas where my communication highly sucks (list seems of few items, but long items.)  But they are major areas with highly broad scope, and quite critical in their impacts and failures (certainly critical to me).  May also be lots of additional ways/areas in which and how it’s failing, but I’m just not aware – most notably of why.  As I did say, I’m relatively clueless on much of this.  I guess the Reader’s Digest version on the failures would read something more like: sucks at social, style, eye contact; and significantly more so with those failings in group situations; limited exception areas of relative “success”.

So, something(s) goe(s) very wrong.  Something’s the matter – but what?  And can it be “fixed”?  So, yes, me, communicating, highly sucks/fails on several major fronts, and I really don’t particularly know why, other than those modest bits of information I point out.  Whole lot of motivation/interest/desire to “connect”, and mostly, highly, does not happen – mostly doesn’t even come close.  And that’s far far far too often – nearly always the case with me.

Tools, techniques, training, practice.  Ah, but there are methods, techniques, tools, training – lots of stuff to improve one’s communication!  Uhm, yeah, … “been there, done that”.  And not some random fad stuff either, good, well founded, more-or-less mainstream recommended best practices/techniques/training/etc.  And, … results?  A lot of time, effort, resource, practice, etc.  And much of it quite hard for me (much of it not easy for me to do – not my “natural” way of doing things, so takes lots of hard continuing focus/attention to do what should be much more optimal communication).  So, yes, been there, done that.  But results?  For all that?  Other than being a whole helluva lot harder for me to do, and boosting my mood/confidence some modest bit, the results, at least as far as I can perceive, or any net result I actually care about … the difference has been somewhere between negligible and zero.  So, it’s “obviously” not working for me – or certainly at least not very well at all – at least not any noteworthy or significant difference (other than making it a bit less painful – while at the same time a whole lot more hard).  I dunno, maybe the “wrong” approach or training or “practice”, or maybe it’s aimed at the “wrong thing”?  Maybe it could be “fixed” if it were known much more accurately what goes wrong and is not working.  Perhaps not so useful to try and fix, e.g. group social interaction, by having a one-on-one conversation (which I do relatively well at) telling me how to fix my group social interaction (especially with absolutely zero observation of my group social interaction – perhaps a highly flawed approach – trying to fix what’s not at all observed, but trying to extrapolate from fairly unrelated observations).  I dunno, I’d sure as heck very much like something that actually worked, and worked dang well.  But perhaps before that’s even feasible, it needs to be known/understood why things aren’t and haven’t been working.  Otherwise, isn’t one trying to “fix” what might not even be the problem to start with?  If I can’t see what the problem is, how am I gonna tell you what the problem is and you tell me to fix it – especially when you aren’t even there to witness it?  Seems like a hazardously poorly targeted approach.

Perhaps a significant – maybe even quite substantial – part of it, is, for the most part, I don’t like group social situations or interactions.  They generally tend to make me feel rather to quite uncomfortable.  Maybe sometimes I can more-or-less tolerate them or feel “okay” with them.  But like them?  Generally not the situations I want to be in – though I often put/push myself to be in them, or am more-or-less stuck in needing to deal with them regardless.  And, if I were a great social communicator, would I like group social situations?  Interesting question, but my guestimate, is I probably still wouldn’t like ’em.  I highly prefer one-on-one.  My inclination in group – no mater how comfortable I am or may be in group situation, is to be able to separate out and be one-on-one, and not stay within the group.  Why is that, why do I feel that way?  I don’t know – nature of who/how I am, and/or life experience and such?  I’m guestimating more of the former than the latter.  But don’t really know enough of early developmental history to know if that was ever different, or if something(s) may have significantly changed that at some point along the way.  And, unfortunately, most of the more common routes to one-on-one, are via group.  It’s almost/rather (if not quite effectively so), as if one typically needs “group approval” (consensus, or at least plurality), before one-on-one – as in peeled off from the group, becomes a possibility – or at least reasonable probability.

Not all that long ago, someone close to me, remarked on my blogging, terming it, if not literally, at least effectively, a “hobby”. I thought that quite the misnomer. I later replied, privately to that person, including:

At the same time, it’s hard.  Hard for me to blog.  Not that I don’t have the “gift”(/curse?) of ramble, but not especially easy for me to do.  Most notably the relatively little interaction/feedback.  Not that I’m complaining, or certainly not faulting, or anything like that.  Not at all.  Just sayin’, … that’s all.  Definitely not a hobby, or even “interest” – the writing/blogging.  Perhaps in rather to quite different context it could or might be?  But, “this” – my three sets of blogs here … it’s more like … “necessary outlet” – notably for lack of anything better available to me.  Just is how it is.  That’s all.  Just sayin’.

So, yeah, whole helluva lot I’d much prefer to blogging.  Most notably having good – even just reasonable – conversation with someone I actually liked and more-or-less reasonably trusted and felt reasonably comfortable with, and hopefully even at least semi-reasonably actually cared for me – or could at least fake it enough that I thought or felt that was the case.  Well, I ain’t got that, nor anything even particularly close to that.  So, for lack of better – really, as it’s got nowhere else to go, it goes to blog – maybe as something of bit of (psychological) survival – an outlet, expression/expressing, “venting”, hoping, dreaming, fearing – at least some place for some slight bits of that to go … as opposed to quite precisely nowhere, and totally unheard – not that it’s exactly heard a whole helluva lot or much or by many here.  And “conversation” or dialog – from blog?  Well, not to be blaming, nor even expecting such from here, but, yeah, that “feedback” is mostly pretty minimal to non-existent.  I do appreciate what bits are there, but, there’s not much there, and I’ve quite realized that, at least for the most part, I really shouldn’t be looking for or expecting that from here.  If I happen to get it, great.  But most of the time I should expect it just ain’t gonna happen.

And, I can not only think of a whole helluva lot I’d prefer to do over blogging, but a whole helluva lot of difficult, arduous – even painful tasks – that I’d prefer to do over blogging.  So, to say or imply this is “easy” – no, not at all.  Just less painful than being absolutely completely silent and unheard; or speaking and being completely and totally ignored and unheard – either feels about as damn isolating/isolated disconnected, and unwanted, uncared for, and ignored.  (What it is, and what it feels like, may not be exactly or particularly the same, but, regardless, that’s what it feels like – at least to me).  So, yeah, sometimes I put off blogging stuff ’cause it friggin’ hurts.  And then I blog it anyway – and it doesn’t exactly feel better.

Not that it’s all doom and gloom and always feels like sh*t and is “always” that hard to blog, but much/most of the time it is.  Whole lot of the time I’d really like to just be able to actually have a f*cking conversation with someone – but ain’t nobody there, continues to be nobody there, so said hypothetical conversation continues to not be an option, or even particularly close to one.  So to the blog it goes … or it goes nowhere (which is often the case … really can only blog so much; not only hard, but too, quite the resource burn for me – takes a lot of time and energy for me to do it).

Blogging is hard for me.  Yes, much of this material, and quite a bit that I’ve blogged, it’s hard for me to put out there – especially (even pseudo-anonymously) “to the world”, or even to some quite trusted few, or even one.  Hard in several ways – and, trying not to be too horribly redundant.  Hard in the (mostly) lack of feedback.  Hard in the effectively total lack of conversation and immediacy.  How the hell am I gonna improve in my social conversations if I never (or hardly ever) have any?  Dang hard in the writing and editing and rerereediging and revising, etc.  Burns a lot of time/resource for me.  It’s not like I’m some well practiced prolific writer that easily just cranks the stuff out in quite good form to start with.  In the last … well, let’s say about week (precise span doesn’t matter) – cranked out fair bit of blogging within that span (this, plus two other blogs, and multiple items).  Let’s just look at word efficiency and time.  I spend a lot of time and attention on this (in some major chunks, a few times, over about a week).  So, a fair (marginal) typist types 40 words-per-minute (WPM).  I type up to about a sustained 60 WPM.  I forget what people typically talk at, but it’s much higher, I think … let’s say 140 WPM.  If it’s balanced and bidirectional, say cut that in half, for a fairly “flowing” bidirectional conversation – 70 WPM.  How many hours have I put into this stuff in the last approximately week?  About 20 hours total (probably quite the underestimate, but, whatever).  How many “words” (using the rather standard WPM count of 5 characters per “word”) … let me add them up … 55,896 characters, 11,179 “words”.  So, in a relatively balanced bidirectional conversation, that’d be about … less than 3 hours conversation – with each contributing that much, or less than 90 minutes were it a “monologue” of a “conversation”.  “Instead”, it’s around 20 or more hours of my life, a lot of time and energy and resources, mostly just “gone”.  And, at that rate of 11,179 words per 20 hours, that’d be a typing rate of … 9.3 WPM, or … not even one character per second … about 1 character every 1.3 seconds.  Close to 10 times as slow as twice as much (a bidirectional) conversation.  And of course lacks most all that interaction/feedback, and of course immediacy.  Yeah, definitely not a “hobby”, or anything close.  Really quite and almost only for lack of anything better to fill that void, quite hard, often damn hard, and … sometimes rather to quite painful too.  And very horribly inefficient use of my time, but, egad, for friggin’ lack of anything better.

And so it goes.  For all the time/work/energy/resource into it, and so little from it, I oft find myself quite thinking, maybe I ought best just give up and not try – so much into it, so little out, why bother?  Maybe just “quit”.  Not really even bother attempting to communicate, “connect”, have or make friends, relationship(s), etc. – so dang little to show for it anyway.  Maybe just give up on all that, and learn to be “okay” with it – live alone, be alone, don’t connect, don’t much communicate, die alone – whatever.  So, yeah, sure, that alone – no touch, no connection, no communication, stats aren’t so good – die sooner. Whatever.  Life, sh*t happens.  We all die sooner or later anyway.  Why keep fighting a battle I seem both unable to “win”, and unable to make any significant useful forward progress?  Just do work ‘n sh*t like that, and give up trying to “connect” … ever.  Fine person I am, but really, who the hell wants me anyway?  Who the heck even knows – hardly anybody.  Such a waste – could be highly useful and advantageous to someone(s), but guess maybe “they” will never know, if they can’t friggin’ figure it out and I can’t friggin’ figure out how to get ’em to actually know me either.  “Oh well”.

And here I sit, contemplating the “Publish” button.  Do I click it?  do I really want to post this?  Hard, painful, exposing, vulnerable, blah, blah.  And will it make a damn bit of difference?  Probably none, or close to it.  What the hell … <click>