Archive for June, 2013

Me, *like* to blog? No, not really.

2013-06-29 21:45:53 PST

Thought I’d mention it – or at least attempt to do so, and relatively concisely. I’ve probably mentioned at least once before, if not more than that … maybe on this blog, maybe elsewhere/elsehow – I don’t recall exactly, off-the-top-of-my head.  Somehow it kind’a sticks with me though – how could I possibly have been so misunderstood? … and/or, maybe I (also) just didn’t say/communicate it broadly (or loudly?) enough.

Anyway, has come up, at least once – probably more than that.  Some kind of response or comment or the like, of “You like to blog.”, “You like to write.”, “You enjoy writing.”, or some comment(s)/statement(s) along those lines. If I said “couldn’t be further from the truth”, that might be a slight exaggeration … but only slight.  Much more apt descriptor would be “communication means of last resort” – or at least nearly so.  Analogies suck, but … were I locked a million miles away in some isolated prison cell or the like.  No human contact or interaction at all whatsoever … except … allowed to blog.  I’d probably blog some.  Yes, analogies suck ‘n all that, but … in a lot of ways, that “is” – or almost is quite how I feel.  Very isolated away – put/pushed away, disincluded, unallowed (or unable) to “connect”, to have a any real “connected” conversation – on anything that truly matters to me or that I quite feel, or hardly that at all, so, … I blog.  Worse communication than blogging?  Have resorted to the international pen pal thing … haven’t done that in a year or so, but, yeah, I guess that’s a hair worse than blogging – much higher latencies – typically week(s) to months in turn-around time on communications – even more non-intractive and much further from “realtime” communications than blogging.

So, before I ramble too much again.  Blogging, yes, communication means of (about) last resort.  But like to blog?  No, not really or especially, though I do choose to.  “Choose to”, for lack of any better alternatives available to me.  Maybe I even push myself to blog – to avoid being even that much further isolated/disconnected/unheard.  What I’d really like, and oh so very much long for, is a conversation – a good, well connected conversation, and in person even.  Egad, haven’t had that in … well in excess of five years – and even then, was far too seldom and mostly not so available (relatively rarely together would quite limit that).

So, for lack of better, I blog.  Yes, I do choose to do so; but not because I like to do so or enjoy it.  Closer to necessity or, at least in part, “survival”.  Not because it’s “fun” – it’s not for me.  Nor because I “enjoy” it – as I mostly quite don’t.  It’s hard for me.  Not sure exactly sure why, but probably combination of – the writing is quite hard/difficult for me – helluva lot harder and more time consuming than having a conversation.  E.g. some weeks back, was drafting something for blog.  Spent about 3 or 4 hours on it … about 1,400 words, only covered about 25% – if that, of what I wanted to attempt to communicate at that time, and that much that I’d written was quite a disorganized mess.  Would probably have to put 24 to 48 hours of writing and time into it, to reasonably address what I wished to communicate and … would probably have to make it end up more like 2,000 words – or even much less – far too many words it was becoming, for that which I was wanting to attempt to communicate.  So, yes, the writing, can be very hard for me, and quite the resource/time burn.  And also, I really want interactive – and blog is barely that – surely nowhere near realtime, like “chat” or the like.  And I really want face-to-face; blog certainly is not that.  So, despite that, and for lack of having better to me available, I thus blog.

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Moral imperative?

2013-06-25 00:03:30 PST

So, over the past few weeks or so, there’s one bit of a line of thinking I’ve mostly found at least fairly helpful.  Call it “moral imperative” – for lack of better descriptor.  So, okay (well, not okay, but be that as it may), been mostly been feeling pretty cruddy for past yearish+ or so.  And, yeah, sure, want to get/do/be/feel better, certainly.  But have, at least for the most part, felt relatively “stuck” there – need to extricate myself from so being.  Motivation?  Well, perhaps call it a character flaw – or not, but (far too?) often – certainly much of the time, it’s pretty darn easy, and often the case, for me to care more about other(s) than I do about myself, and to treat other(s) better than I treat myself.  Okay, whatever.  But, … “moral imperative”?  Where’s that come in?  Well, bit of practical application of the above, and some fairly simple logic.  Of course how I feel and am doing and such certainly impacts me.  But not so much and not only me.  Impacts others too.  How I do/don’t interact, what I can/”can’t” do for them and are or may be up for – or not – capacity/capability and all that.  So, yes, how I’m feeling does impact, or at least potentially impact others.  And in ways similar, that inaction is a type of action – a choice, e.g. a failure to act, or a choosing to not act.  Anyway, as and to the extent I mostly/quite feel like crud, that’s got negative impacts beyond just me, so it’s not just me it hurts.  Even if it might or could be the case that it “hurts” no one else – at least directly, it negatively impacts what I can/could do, how I interact, etc., so, e.g. less able or unable to help someone else, whereas I might otherwise quite be able to so so.  So, in that regard, it’s not a good thing.  I should do better, if not for me, at least for others, notably I need to feel and do better – even if not for me – even if I don’t care for/about me.  “Moral imperative.”  So, yeah, thinking of/about that, and reminding myself, gives me at least a bit more motivation to get/be/do better – sort of a bit more needling(/poking/prodding) to get myself into better shape.

So, yeah, does help – at least somewhat, to keep that in mind.  Backslidnig?  Yeah, more recently, feel like I’ve been slipping back at least a bit again; and that rather/quite sucks.  I guess the “good” news is I’m quite uncomfortable with that, and it does not sit well with me.  So, yeah, highly unsatisfied with that, quite intolerant of it even, not gonna “accept” it – at least certainly not without some kind’a “fight”, anyway.  So, yep, hard.  And hard to hang onto that “moral imperative” too.  Too much “negative think” – e.g.: “What the hell, who cares anyway.  Pretty much useless to anyone and everyone, or nobody cares anyway.  Hell, much as I try to help, avail myself, make myself useful, go way the hell out’a my way to, e.g. help good friend(s) – or try to, that’s barely used or taken advantage of anyway, so, quite useless and without value anyway, eh?” – Yeah, need to get my head out’a thinkin’ that or anything too close to it.  Need to think more in terms of possibilities and capabilities, etc.  Never really know for sure what might happen.  And, if I’m not up to the task, or not nearly as much as I should, ought to be, or am capable of, … well, that’s a bad thing.  So, yeah, “moral imperative”.  Need to work harder … uhm, not necessarily so, … need to work  more effectively at being/doing better.  “Be the best person I can be.” – need to do a lot better on that.  Mostly feelin’ like crud certainly significantly impairs me from “being the best person I can be”, so, yeah, … need to “fix” that.  Still really have damn near zero idea as to particularly how, but, need to keep working on that, and more effectively.  Need more (positive) results/progress, less of banging head into wall – particularly same ways, repeatedly, and yet harder for same (lack of) results.

And I’ve got a responsibility too, not to be a drag/drain/bummer/etc. to others.  And the “answer” to that is not me removing myself from others, disconnecting, isolating, “disappearing” or the like.  No, that’s would be like mostly going from a negative to a nothing.  I need to be a positive.  A boon, a benefit, an assset, a resource.  Not a nothing.  So, yeah, … need to work on that.  And not all that simple – have to balance practical realities too, but regardless, need to do and be better.

Not better? Better? ???

2013-06-18 00:50:40 PST

So, how am I doing now?  Better yet?  Or at least as much better as I was recently doing?  Or not as good as that, but not as bad as it generally was prior to that?  Or at or mostly where things were prior to that?

Well, too early to yet say for sure.  I’d guestimate not so well as that recent earlier better.  Closer to back to where things generally were before that … but … not slid back down (quite?) that far.  I dunno, two steps forward, one back, … something roughly like that?  If even baby steps.  At least it’s still at least some bit of something.

I guess the good news is things are changing.  Me being dissatisfied with how things have been, and continuing to be highly dissatisfied with it is a good thing.  Yeah, it friggin’ hurts, is very uncomfortable, no fun, blah, blah, blah.  But that gives me hella motivation to “fix” it and extricate myself from that mess and/or otherwise (significantly) improve that/my situation.  Even if I don’t yet know how or even have particular idea how.  Being dissatisfied and not accepting what quite sucks is a good thing.  So, how goes all that?  Well …

Changes are afoot.  Okay, not really sure what changes, but more recently, I’ve been doin’ more poking, prodding, trying, shifting, changing, adjusting, “experimenting”, … whatever.  If the same sucks, well, try not to keep doing the same – even if not sure how to change it or what would make it better, just try something.  Almost anything (desperation?  Well, don’t be stupid about it.).  So, some stuff/changes will make things better, some will make it worse, many won’t make it better or worse – or significantly so, or may be relatively equal mix of both.  And may not be easy to tell – not necessarily easy at all.  Sometimes it takes time, and/or interacts in different ways with other stuff going on and/or being tried.  There are also history/hysteresis effects.  E.g. how it does/doesn’t work and how well, may depend not only upon what’s tried and how, but what was/wasn’t tried before, and how.  So, it can be mighty complex, and not at all trivial so sort out – let along come close to optimizing.  But regardless, “trying stuff”.  Some of it only wee bits.  Some stuff at least moderately more significant.  And, … results?  Way way way too early to tell.  But hey, it’s sure worth trying, and there will “of course” be some results.  And of course much learning to determine what does/doesn’t work, and how, and under what circumstances/conditions.  So, “try stuff”.  And (mostly) keep trying.  And hopefully, overall, it generally improves – hopefully even significantly.  Yeah, sure, a lot of trial-and-error.  So what, it’s called learning, experience, and eventually wisdom.  Even if I can’t usefully apply it to anyone but me, that’s still significant – not only on impact to me, but secondary effects; e.g how it changes how I do/don’t interact with anyone and/or everyone around me.  I certainly can’t be my best to others when I myself and doing/feeling like crud – or generally mostly so.

So, … what am I doing/trying?  I’d rather not even attempt to detail presently.  Mostly just “various things”.  Try, dabble in, investigate, peek, poke, prod, experiment, etc.  Try, and see how it goes.  Hopefully eventually better.  But also, in the meantime, it’s at least something to do – and at least a bit better than merely filling in time.  There is only so much time, ’tis not an infinite resource – and certainly the case for me.  Tick, tick, tick.

Better?

2013-06-11 22:09:14 PST

Seems the approximately last week+ has gone at least somewhat better for me.  Not great.  Not “good”, but, well, at least “okay”, which is better than things have generally been for me for a fair while now.  And, so what about it was (so much?) “better” ‘n all that?  What did/do I look forward to?  Ah, if only it were that simple.  A lot was a fair – or at least moderate – bit different.  Wish I could say and point too, “Oh, that – that is what made it so much better – or, well, even significantly better.”  But I can’t.  Don’t know.  Whole lot ‘o factors/differences.  Might’ve been any one of them?  Or maybe mostly combination and combined effect.  And, sure, okay, not great, not even “good”, but hey, “okay” – that’s an improvement.  Sure, more of that would be good.  Uhm, … but of what, what did it?  Heck if I now.  Maybe it was “just”, or mostly, the more-so breaking up of the pattern(s), just doing some things different and/or more.  Perhaps so.  I dunno.  Some traces of hope in there – if even slight; slight being better than none or nearly so.  I don’t know, but was a relatively “okay” week … for a change.  Wish I knew much more precisely what made it so – but maybe it was everything?  I dunno.  Ooooh, and looking forward to …. what?  Yeah, maybe if I knew what made it better, I’d be looking forward to that what; but alas, I don’t.  So, am I looking forward to … whatever?  Eh, maybe barely.  Not like I’m avoiding or trying to not do whatever – not an aversion.  Looking forward?  Eh, maybe some bit better than could take it or leave it – at least on some stuff, anyway.  But, … grounded, solid, positive?  Eh, naw, don’t have or particularly have that.  Still mostly muddling my way through it … somehow. … and, … how goes the present week?  Bit early to say yet.  Not sure … okayish or so?  Maybe/probably not as good as last week was?  But better than most of the preceding weeks?  Just a guestimate anyway.  As I say, for this week, yet early to tell.