What went wrong? (I wish I knew) – “Failed” “relationships”

So, most relationships – heck, even dates or the like, don’t go on forever.  They generally “fail”, in one way or another.  But why?  What went “wrong”?

I wish I knew … more anyway.  Sure, in some relatively few cases I know.  Haven’t been in a whole lot of “relationships” per se anyway.  But, among the more significant, I generally knew (or eventually found out) what went “wrong”.  Not to say there’s “wrong” as in “right” vs. “wrong”, but generally matter of something didn’t fit and/or other factors/circumstances/considerations – not that I necessarily knew, but just saying, it’s not a value judgement, just more a question of “Why?”, and understanding.  But, a lot more than “relationships”.  Even dates.  Why was there no Nth date?  Things seemed (typically/generally) to be going so well.  (And where N may be arbitrarily small number – even 1).

Don’t want to be too identifyable/identifying, but let’s do an, at least approximate, inventory of those I know the “break up” (or break off) reasons, and here by count of occurrences:

  • 4: not a good fit (typically broke off early, often before much if anything even started – possibly excepting if I was much younger and quite inexperienced)
  • 3: (mostly) external circumstances – notably major factors besides just “us” prevented and/or changed things (and sometimes radically so)
  • 1: I was used and discarded (was never interested in me)
  • 1: not capable of healthy relationship

I suppose the latter two could possibly be generalized and put under “not a good fit”, but they were really much more specific than that.

What about all the others?  Like all the dates I’ve ever been on – or heck, even tried to have?  No clue.  Really just do not know.  Yeah, sure, I’ve asked, often do.  But most won’t answer – or they’ll lie – even if it’s a “white lie” – but most typically won’t say what it is/was – though I’ve generally known (or gotten) answer in the more significant cases (e.g. relationships – don’t think there remain any major unknowns there).  But dates?  For the most part, no friggin’ clue.  Vast majority of dates, never made it to the 3rd date.  Maybe most or all of those were cases where she thought “not a good fit” or something like that, … I dunno – I really don’t.  Never been told.  In the (very) small number of cases where it’s been 3 or more dates?  Well, other than those that were (or became) relationship, with negligible (like one) exception don’t know.  E.g. it’d all seem to be going along fine, if not great, and then … nothing.  Typically a bunch of consecutive consistent non-responses (no responses to calls, voice-mail, email, etc.), or excuses, e.g. “busy”.  But not like, “Oh, sorry, I’m busy now and will be for about …, call me back around … or if I don’t call you then, please call me then!” … no, just … “busy” … over and over, time and time again – and mostly without explaining what that “busy” is.  Or similar strings of excuses which – after a while, just don’t wash (if they can’t make it then but are interested, they’ll express interest, and work towards alternative times/days – if they’re not interested, they won’t – it’ll just be an endless string of similar excuses).  So, yeah, vast majority of cases – really most any date, or even attempt thereof, in my life, excepting those few (dates/relationships) where I know, … have quite no idea why they weren’t interested, or lost/dropped interest.  The “(mostly) external circumstances” is quite a bugger.  Three relationships (or at least potentials thereof) there.  Probably one to three of those could and would have worked and gone excellently, maybe even excellently “forever” – were it not for major external factors that prevented such.  Insurmountable?  Perhaps not, but would’ve required one friggin’ helluva lot of unilateral and/or bilateral sacrifice and change – and changes of sufficient magnitude that either or both parties weren’t willing to make that much sacrifice or take that huge a risk – even for a great (or potentially great) relationship.  And the “not a good fit” – those were very significantly not a good fit.  They never would’a worked and would’a been a helluva battle to try and coerce them to “fit”.  Ya know the kind’a “better than nothing” relationship?  Yeah, not even that good.  Where the nothing is better than the “relationship”, it is not good – so, yeah, those were quite not the fit.  And that’s not a whole lot of “relationships” – 9 total, for being over 50 years old now.  And of those 9, many of those wouldn’t even typically qualify as “relationship” – some were “only” on the order of a few dates or so, or less.  Only 2 of ’em span a period of more than a couple months or so – so, yeah, if we filter it down to “long term relationships”, there’s a grand total of 2 … but that’s rather off-topic.

So, I really don’t know “what went wrong” in most cases.  Probably never will.  Mostly just have to let it go … repeatedly.  I typically bother to ask, but not always.  In any case, most of the time I don’t get an answer or response.  Most of the time when I do get one, it’s not true.  But sometimes I do actually get the truth, which I do quite appreciate – even if it might happen to sting a bit.  And wee bit ‘o sting generally hurts much less than forever not knowing.  But mostly I get forever not knowing.  “Oh well” – can’t know everything (or in some cases even much).


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