Archive for May, 2012

Seeking … friendships / “relationship” … and all that jazz, etc.

2012-05-31 01:16:16 PDT

So … whole bunch of thoughts/topics in my head. In not necessarily any particularly order (and not necessarily a whole lot of detail) …

[Sorry, I know the writing style (or lack thereof) on this horribly sucks. Perhaps try to bear with it, or try back later. No promises, but I say it does have noteworthy content – if one can manage to make it through it. I may do a major rewrite of this – notably to make it a helluva lot more readable (though with same basic content/information/points/etc.).]

OkCupid and successes/failures, trying, and “try harder” (or not)?, etc. Try more, try harder, try better, more effectively, and smarter. Don’t be desperate. Don’t push/try when the mood/attitude isn’t “right”, or sufficiently so – it’ll show – or at least “leak” – and (mostly) generally muck things up (or at least generally make them a lot less fruitful/productive/useful/efficient – which generally just further mucks up the mood/attitude). So, on trying harder – do it more efficiently – shorter, faster, more folks, “wider net” … not at all indiscriminately (well, rather to quite little of that, anyway) – reasonably targeted to reasonable possibilities/probabilities. Don’t over-analyze. If it’s reasonably probable, probably worth a shot (e.g. message the person) … but … don’t sweat it. It’s still a “numbers game” … though it’s not a game at all. Why? Why try, why try hard, harder, etc.? Sure, I’d like some good results there (have pretty close to zero thus far … maybe some possibilities, but very few … okay, if it’s like elementary school teacher taught me (which may not be precisely correct), “couple is two” (yes, generally), “few is three” (uhm, well, whatever). In any case, thus far, I think we’re definitely talking less than 3 reasonable possibilities (e.g. someone I’ve actually met, and it hasn’t turned into a failure or a likely nothing going nowhere (if we meet and they repeatedly don’t return email/calls/messages or otherwise get back to me at all, I figure they’re just not interested (enough) and I should pretty much write it off (at least highly improbable and not worth my bothering to pursue)). So, … why, … why, why, why?!? Good for me – I do better with good friendships and good active friendships (hardly ever talk or see each other might count, … but not for so much – especially when one wants (or even needs) quite a bit more. Too many “friends” I can talk with way less than 2 hrs. total per month, and probably only twice a month or so, tops … they just don’t have the time for me (whatever, things change in people’s lives)). So, … yeah, … I sure want more … some damn good friend(s) would be at least an excellent start (maybe even “enough”). So, why else? … why, … why, why, why?!? Good for them! Yup, I make for excellent friend (or, potentially more, given suitable compatibility, etc.). Of course, … darn few (okay, exceedingly few know we well enough to really know me all that well as a person. Sure, some know fair bit of general character, interests, likes/dislikes, some wee bits like that, but damn few know much more than that … e.g. what makes me “tick” why I am as I am, how I got there, what I think about a whole lot of different stuff, etc., etc. Most don’t really have much of a clue. Anyway, … fine catch I make for some very lucky few … but alas … sometimes folks get busy with other stuff in their lives, or things happen, or they’re looking for Relationship (as in capital R Relationship) and we may not be or aren’t that compatible, or not quite what they’re looking for, or they want to explore other possibilities(/persons) or whatever. So, … some “excellent” friends – or at least certainly have had, … but stuff happens, … people die, … they move away, they get engaged/married, go to school, etc. – whatever, happens. “Quite the catch”? Yeah, I think those I have been (or could (almost) argue am in) a relationship with would rate me quite highly. Me, been “dumped”? Sure. But that’s (usually? always thus far?) – we’re just not that compatible (interests/tastes/personalities/styles/goals/etc.) just don’t line up sufficiently compatibly, or some kind of logistics, practical matter, timing, or the like gets in the way and “makes” it not work, or be infeasible – (the “dating” / relationship “chronicles”? … well, sort’a kind’a roughly so, at least bit mostly by examples) e.g. they’re not sure if they want kids or not, I don’t, they decide they do, I still don’t, they wanna get married and live happily ever after (with us having kids), I’m not so sure about it or that it’s going “that great” or even “sufficiently well”, they get tired of waiting for a proposal or the like, and bail, I (when they bailed) felt great – one of those “subtle” indicators that the relationship was not going well. (continued, approximate chronological examples …) I have friggin’ delightful communications/conversations with someone (before being out of an existing relationship) … and I wonder – what the heck is working “so right” – or at least seemingly so, in those communications, that I’m so attracted to / craving that, that’s “missing”? – or not working so well in existing relationship. Couldn’t put my finger on it. Well, that “existing relationship” went away (she bailed, as noted) … and then … those delightful communications … chatted on-line – for hours on end … then straight after that, by phone, for hours, … then she suggests, “why don’t you come on over?” – I did … it was already late afternoon or early evening by then, … we continued our conversation … until like about 2am or so – until she literally fell asleep as we were talking. Yeah, … that was friggin’ great – the communication and conversation was going great there. But too, … that was probably an at least somewhat rather unusual circumstance. What I figured out relatively shortly in retrospect, is how the communication in that preceding relationship was royally screwed up – not like it was anyone’s fault in particular, we were just a very bad fit, and it was not working at all satisfactorilly for me (though it was fine for her as far as she was concerned, but in any case, it was messed up and the dynamics were not going well – and not sufficiently “fixable” – or frankly, not worth fixing in that case (as if that were the “only” serious problem)). So, yeah, unusual circumstances – relatively anyway – coming out of that relationship – had been first “serious” relationship – and a “long term” one (covered fair number of years) … but alas, live and learn. So, … “next” one – yes, she and I talked great – friggin’ fantastic … thus far best communication I’ve ever had in any relationship! It was fabulous. But alas, it didn’t last. Circumstances/logistics/etc. She was already in a relationship – which I perceived as rather/quite troubled/problematic – perhaps a somewhat/rather distorted perspective … as she’d tell me more-or-less anything and everything that was problematic or not going well in their relationship … I suppose, too, I heard some of the good bits, … but not nearly as or so much. In any case, she gets busy and majorly stressed, closes in the ranks, and finds herself effectively having to choose – the “known” quantity – with it’s flaws, or the “exciting new” – seemingly – wonderful relationship – but the quite unknown (we’d not known each other all that long) … she went with the known quantity – so I was out. Later (and also before then), we were most excellent of friends. Even still are “friends”, but, alas, as time passes, I hear from her with greatly increasing rarity – so … though I consider her quite a friend, … in terms of a particularly viable healthy friendship … well, there ain’t much in it for me – not uncommon that it goes a year or more that I don’t hear from her. Then I do, and we’ll visit – have great time and conversations, she also immensely enjoying herself. And then … nothing. So, yeah, nice when it happens, but far too fleetingly rare. Since then / after that? Had a good friend … once upon a time, … she was going through rather a crisis of sorts – mostly just needed a friendly shoulder/ear – had been through some major sh*t in her life, and some of it quite recently, … so … we hung out together, … spent lots of time together, became very good friends (were already friends some years prior to that). And then, … well, not a horrible thing, but … we probably got closer than we should have. A “relationship” – of sorts, … at least, well, start to finish, over a few months – if it was even that long. We just sort’a got too close, were attracted to each other, and, well, … rather complicated a good friendship. Fine friends, but we just weren’t that compatible, … so, … as a “relationship” it was doomed to failure, and, in fairly quick order, it did in fact fail. Yes, were quite good friends again after that (after bit of a “breather” period between), but never again a “relationship” … I think that probably never would’ve even happened if we’d both really thought long and hard about it up front. “Oh well.” – live and learn. So, … that friendship. Fabulous great friendship, right? Well, … not bad, … mostly pretty good to okay or so, but alas, … quite lost that friend too. (usually when someone’s head is so messed up that they’re making credible threats to kill you, it means the friendship is dead). Other relationships? How about long distance? Met online, … I asked where she was located, she told me, I (virtually, on-line), more-or-less shrieked, and dove under a rock. Too bloody far away. Well, … for better or worse, she didn’t let me get away that easily. Anyway, some while later, she came out here, we met in person – we’d communicated a lot online prior to that, over some year(s) or more. Anyway, in person, we hit it off great … things generally continued to develop … but … still, with her there, and me here … sometimes rather to quite extended long visits, … but … usually not, … and still not living in the same place, … or even close. Get along great, love each other lots, … but … takes more than just love to make a relationship work great. So, … who knows where that one will/won’t go or end up. It ain’t over yet. Other bits? Oh, … certainly tried, … maybe not sufficiently long and/or hard, but there’d been some others along the way, but none as “involved” or serious as any of the aforementioned. In any case, in at least almost all cases, “she”, was always quite interested in me. So, … “quite the catch”? … well, sure, in many regards, … depends too what one’s after and what’s important in friendship and/or relationship – not a fit for everyone and everything, of course. But, … with a compatible match, and those that ever got to know me rather to quite well (and even some who never even got to know me that well), generally they were quite interested in me (and sure, too, in some cases I “dumped” them … needs to be a good bidirectional match to work – unilateral matches just don’t cut it).

And so it goes, … onto … OkCupid (etc.?) “diaries”/chronicles? Well, I’ve intentionally not given a whole lot of (e.g. personally identifiable) details in the preceding … nor do I at all intend to! So, … continuing a wee bit regarding OkCupid etc. and/or some other bits … Well, for starters, I’m kind’a tired of – “relationship-wise” having my life “on hold”. The long-distance thingy … maybe it works out, maybe it doesn’t. I can’t wait forever … not to say it’s “her” “fault” (or mine … there’s enough finger pointing that could be done and spread around … I’m not gonna go into specifics/details here). If nothing else, definitely have a “friendship gap” to fill – ended up with friends, even “good friends” that, … well, small number of ’em, and generally quite to highly/exceedingly unavailable to me. So, … not a whole lot of an “active” friendship there, … like, … well, fairly close to zero (okay, add up the very small slices of occasional time across those various friendships, and it’s significantly more than zero, … but, … still, … a helluva lot closer to zero, than even to one). So, … friendship thing to build up / fill back in again … probably should’ve done a lot more there earlier, but, … well, is what it is. And, … Relationship? Maybe? Rather an at least somewhat/partially open question. Don’t know where things will necessarily go. The long distance thing isn’t “over” or given up on or ended, … but … it’s been over four friggin’ years since we’ve so much as been in the same place at the same time. Might be debatable to at least some if that can even be called a “Relationship” (I’d probably say yes – at least some kind of “relationship”, of sorts, but … “seeing someone”? – hardly counts as that :-/). So, … as for other relationship(s) or potential thereof – that may well mean, … at least “for now” or thus far … there are places that ain’t gonna go … might change, … but … that’s probably how it is, … at least for now. And, … how goes the “success” on that relationship/friendship front from OkCupid, etc.? Eh, … met very few people. Really need to meet a lot more – and compatible people. Even wonderful relationship thingy would be great … but … need friend(s) too (and preferably more than only a single friend – sometimes stuff happens and folks just aren’t available, … or they die, or whatever … life – stuff happens) … anyway, would be good to have some good and available friends – yes plural … and something at least partially approximating a relationship? Sure, … that’d be good too. So, … how many have I met, how has that gone? Some exceptions – or at least potential exceptions, but, generally speaking, few, and poorly. Met one on OkCupid, first meeting went great. Met a second time – it essentially flopped. Never met again. Maybe not that compatible, or she’s not that interested, or whatever, … in any case, it ain’t happening. (and sure, she hardly knows me at all, but whatever). Met a 2nd person on OkCupid, flopped at first meeting – not sufficiently compatible (I thought that rather likely was the case before we met, but she was very interested in meeting me … not long into meeting, she also concluded we weren’t a good match). I should probably – at least generally – “insist” we at least manage to talk a fair while – and enjoyably – on phone first, … if we can’t manage that, it’s probably (almost certainly … like … over 98% probability?) gonna flop face-to-face. Efficiency, etc. – probably should talk like that by phone first – save all the time, etc. of meeting face-to-face if that’s almost certainly going to flop anyway. So, … that was 2nd I’d met. 3rd … had a great first meeting. Had a great second meeting. Were in the process of lining up a 3rd meeting and … it never happened. Maybe there’s yet possibility there, but it’s been a fair while now. Our last communication – I called her, she was like, “I’ve been very busy, can I call you back?” … and … nothing – at least thus far. Quite possible she is very busy, and understandably so … whatever the heck it is, though, I’m shut out and left out – maybe even understandably so … but seems increasingly improbable as time elapses. Maybe it’s just an excuse, or maybe she’s just not that interested. And yeah, she barely knows me – hardly even scratched the surface. Whatever. And … 4th I met (and she’ll probably even read this ;-)) – regardless, stating it as it is … quite a lot of communication up front before meeting – didn’t exactly delve into super deep stuff, but, … definitely bandied such topics/questions about significantly – anyway, good/excellent exchange before meeting, … met, in fact 3 times in rather close succession, … I’d say it went somewhere between rather and quite well … at least generally speaking. “But” she’s got lots going on in her life (at least relatively speaking), and that did start out quite a bit fast – in at least some ways, … even if, to a large extent, … we haven’t really delved all that much in depth, or detail, into “heavier” and/or more serious/”meaty” topics/discussions/questions, etc. So, … guestimating that we sort’a kind’a have a “feel” for each other – in terms of sort of roughly “knowing” – or thinking we (kind’a) know the other person … but … at the same time, I don’t think we particularly know each other all that well at all … sure, maybe some general characteristics, tendencies, personality, some history and other attributes, but … really don’t know each other all that well yet … though … I think I’d like to know her much better – and her me, … but we shall see. No idea where it may go – if (hardly?) anywhere, … or at what kind’a pace. Maybe at least some great friendship potential there? One can hope, anyway. Maybe even potential for (wee bit) more? Not even gonna try and speculate yet – “insufficient data” – at least to reasonably guess, anyway. Nice, fun, interesting, intriguing, at least. Other random bit … a female acquaintance of mine (I wouldn’t call her “friend” – I might be a friend of hers, but she’s really not able/capable of being a friend to me – she just does not have it that together). Anyway, … she and I … best I not be particularly involved there. Not that she and I’ve ever gotten “that” close, but … there’s at least wee bit of temptation there. Sometimes I just get friggin’ lonely and want to talk with someone – and something too about actually wanting to be physically close … not necessarily at all like naked and crawling all over each other or anything like that, but geez, … like even within arm’s reach or so. I dunno, just seems rather/quite alienating to not be able to get at least about that close – or be with/around someone that’s actually quite willing to get (at least) that close … not that that’s all that close, but … I don’t know … maybe some psychological (or evolved in) thing – that someone is accepting enough to at least let one get, and at least remain for a while, “that close” (like within about a foot or two) Perhaps very closely related to, or just another part of the touch / physical contact I mentioned on my blog entry on being human. Spent about an hour (or two) talking with her (okay, she did the vast majority of the talking – I’m just not that comfortable with sharing much with her) not long ago (she, and I, alone, her place) – first time in quite a while I’d so much as talked with her anywhere near that long. Not exactly a horrible thing, but … it’s really just not gonna go anywhere … too messed up, not even reasonably viable for a friendship for me. Bleh. I should avoid “being”/feeling that “desparate”. Ugh, … yuck. Anything sort’a similar happen before with “relationships”? Yeah, … kind’a more-or-less … well, on the “not a match” regard, anyway. Definitely had some instances where a particular she was much more interested in me, than I in her. And, well, things kind’a more-or-less went along, … to a point. If I’m not that comfortable or interested in someone, things only go so far … then they stop there – maybe think of it as a holding point or check point? I dunno, … in any case, if I’m not sufficiently comfortable with and “into” them, things stop “there” – for some particular “there” … if I never get that comfortable with them and “into” them, … well, then things never get past “there”, and typically they’ll lose interest relatively quickly – if I don’t quite back out of the “relationship” (if one could even call it that?) first. Anyway, just sayin’, sometimes there’s the “that’s plenty far enough” point – and things “stop” (or hold) there.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch. Er, uh, … okay, no ranch, but … So, … I shouldn’t particularly limit my options. Uhm, that does not mean (for me, anyway) being promiscuous, or “poly” or even anything relatively close. Mostly means I shouldn’t cut off and eliminate options/possibilities before they’re even reasonably known. I.e. I should probably keep looking for (at least) additional good friends – at least to the point where that is or would be bordering on “too much” – if it’s more than I can handle, or too little of me to spread around such that I can’t be (quite) good friend to them … but … short of that, I “need” more good friends in my life. Zero is way too low a number of known active good friends to have – not good for me … or them. “Need”? Certainly very much want. Not like I couldn’t live without (heck, sure as heck have for the most part for quite a while now – at least several years or more, at least for the most part), but “need” … well, rather like (among other things), also, a “psychological need” – yet, not (quite) a necessity, … nevertheless, much more important than a (mere) “nice to have”.

Okay, … so … I started this blog entry with a bunch of items in mind, … but, alas, mostly wrote around roughly one central theme … so, … the earlier draft title adjusted accordingly, and … probably get to those other bits … sooner or later, … well, intend to, anyway, … we’ll see. (time, priorities, …)

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meta blog

2012-05-08 03:35:21 PDT

So, short bit (teaser?) of some stuff I’ve in mind to blog on. Haven’t had the time to write them out yet – other than to mostly just scratch short note (like a very terse one line – sometime even just a single word to remind myself) … and maybe take some mental notes and/or prearrange some of the material in my head. Anyway, in slightly less terse form, to potentially at least “hint” at what I’ve in mind, and hopefully will get around to blogging about in the coming days/weeks, or so:

disappointment(s), (Emotional) roller coaster … bleh, clearing of the air, sucky dreams, “How are you?” “Fine thanks, how are you?” – and other lies, “He’s a really nice guy.”, Father/parents/upbringing/environment, and other miscellaneous (mostly) cruft

2012-05-07 04:36:12 PDT

Wrote most of this around 2012-04-21–2012-04-22. Had bit of a disappointment particularly on 2012-04-21, and, well, my mood rather sunk with that, for most of a couple days or so, anyway. So, … you’ve been forewarned ;-) … not the cheeriest of posts. Nevertheless, all still rather/quite relevant … or at least was.

A sampling of thoughts …

In not quite necessarily any particular order.

Stream of conscious? Naw – (at least a) bit too “censored”,
(post-)processed and (semi-)organized for that. “Censored”? … Naw, not that there is or would be anything in particular to censor … mostly more just (semi-)organized, maybe filtered a wee bit for pseduo-anoymous “public” consumption, protecting some folks privacy (don’t need to name names or give identifying details – no need or reason for that).

A bursting of dam, flood of thoughts? No, … not really, mostly just some stuff I’ve been thinking about – most of it rather to quite recently. Much of it not exactly anything I’ve not though of before – sometimes much/repeated thought of before, but … well, mostly relatively topical given what’s happened last few days or so and stuff I’ve been thinking about.

So, … here goes (I did more-or-less say unordered) …

(Emotional) roller coaster … disappointment … bleh. Nothing all that crushing, but … did have my hopes rather/quite up for something this (well, technically last, by the time I get this written, edited, and posted) week, … and rather unexpectedly, just didn’t pan out. Mis- or missed communication, or some of both, or a misread of some subtlety I perhaps should’ve caught, … whatever, flopped, just didn’t happen. Not like it was anybody’s “fault” or whatever, just how it turned out. So, yeah, rather(/quite?) bummed about that. Probably would’a been the highlight of my week. But really, geez, I ought to have more/better/more significant to look forward to, eh? But no, … didn’t really … and … don’t really – or at least so it seems at present. So, … here it was, lateish Saturday afternoon, all ready to go out, awaiting a phone call that just wasn’t gonna come – turns out I’d gotten two earlier emails – one of ’em even from Friday, but both after we’d spoken Friday, and next communication I was expecting was a phone call lateish Saturday afternoon. And, all set to head out, while waiting, I managed to check my personal email, … and drats, just wasn’t gonna be happening – certainly at least not Saturday or more-or-less planned at all. So, a fairly brief “my bad” phone call – to voicemail … and email and … then what? I was about half tempted to proceed on my own – same basic plan, locations, walk, views, bit ‘o fresh air and exercise, change of scenery, etc., but, well, I was most interested and looking forward to the company and conversation, so, in that context, by myself, might’a just been more of a bummer than it already was, and, well, … kind’a pathetic. So, nope, didn’t do that. Shouldn’t be that much of a bummer/disappointment/downer that plans fell through like that. Heck, shouldn’t generally care that much even what someone else might generally happen to think of me – it’s not like I’m different or changed or something – still the same “me”, hardly any difference there. Yet it sure as hell has impact – sometimes a lot … sometimes little to none. I guess if I do, or think I do/might rather or particularly value or care about or “trust” their opinion (or want to) – it’s got, or at least potentially got, a lot more impact … positive and/or negative. Guess that’s just more part of being human (which often, rather sucks). OkCupid? Maybe take rather/quite a break from that … and/or “try harder”? “Need a break? Disable your account and come back any time.” – certainly a tempting option. Guess I’m of about two (or three?) minds on that. Time to take a (semi-)break? Maybe. Perhaps what I dread/”fear” now, is (yeah, if only it were rather/quite probable) some rather/quite potential good match messages me on there, … and … then what? Can I even muster up a good positive response with good attitude? Perhaps, but my confidence level of being able to potentially do so is, uh, quite low – more like I’m quite expecting “it” to fail, even if I manage to put together most perfect and wonderful of responses anyway … and … statistically, I’m probably quite right about it failing, regardless. So, … maybe time to take a break … then again, what “risk”? – pretty damn improbable someone on there would message me out of the blue, and even much more improbable that it would be someone that I might actually be potentially rather to quite interested in (yeah, about half of such out-of-the-blue contacts are like someone in a foreign country who can barely write English, or some gay/bi guy from thousands of miles away, or other generally horrible mismatches (“I cute girl, I make you good wife, me …” – yeah, right)). So, … maybe best to not worry about the highly improbable (might be more likely to get struck by lightening – not exactly something I spend a lot of time worrying about). Try more/harder? Maybe (mostly) later. I guess “new” contacts is probably what I dread most – mostly just all the time, energy, anticipation, and … disappointment. Don’t really need more of that. Follow up on … ??? Well, I guess the only ones I at all really feel like following up with/on presently … had two great meetings with one person I met in the last couple weeks … aye, but that flopped yesterday … maybe just a “minor glitch” … maybe not, … who knows, really quite early yet. Maybe a whole lot of excellent potential there (certainly seems possible), or, regardless, maybe it’s just not gonna fly anyway. Beyond that? … had some nice message/email exchanges with one person some months back – but that seemed to peter out – didn’t hear back on the last several emails. Maybe try wee bit more there, then, … well, give up – no use beating head against wall. Others? I think essentially every other lead on there has gone pretty much nowhere … not that I’ve exactly been trying particularly hard lately. New contacts? Really just not in the mood for it. Be more social, meet some folks, etc. Not particularly up for it … one semi-social engagement today I might typically go to – not that it’s much of an environment/opportunity for making new friends or whatever anyway … I’m rather/quite inclined to blow that off. Can only think of one person I’ve met there before that I might be particularly interested to meet again … and fairly improbable that person would be there anyway … and heck, I can’t even remember that person’s name … don’t have their email or phone number either, though they’ve got mine, and we did have nice conversation/rapport the couple times we’d met before. Yeah, somehow going to library and checking out some book from there sounds a lot more appealing to me presently, than going to some meeting with a bunch ‘o people, … so, yep, not in a particularly social mood, … not anti-social, but more like asocial, or more specifically, social aversion. Heh, could throw a giant pity party for myself, … of course probably only I’d show up, so would be giant pity party of one, for one – maybe not even quite that if I wasn’t all that supportive of me. Ah well, it’ll get better, … well, most likely, anyway. Maybe I ought to drag myself to that semi-social thingy anyway, … it’s not like things could particularly get a whole lot worse.

Friends, etc. Yeah, ain’t got much ‘o that. Sure, have some friends, but the few I’ve got I mostly rather to quite rarely hear from – they’re generally quite busy with their own lives … and/or (mostly) just don’t want to bother. And … more than friends? Eh, … one long distance relationship – haven’t seen each other in over four years … way too long. Besides, I’m really rather sick and tired – at least generally – of the “nice wonderful folks” all over the planet I get to meet, that, … I never meet. It’s not like I’m marooned somewhere thousands of miles away from other people, and could only interact via some on-line means. Heck, I live in an area with probably around 9 million folks within20 or so miles of me, probably over a million within 10 miles … so, yeah, don’t need – or want – to be, so friggin’ isolated in an (almost) sea of people. So, yeah, dragged myself to semi-social thingy, didn’t exactly hurt, but didn’t help much (if at all?) – but that’s mostly me / my attitude that’s the “problem” … well, … at least first issue to be addressed … not that there was much of anything to work with at semi-social thingy. And stopped at library on the way back, … the book I wanted to check out – library has several copies – but they’re all checked out … except two copies in languages other than English – which doesn’t do me any good. Check another library – different city – city where I work, … English copies – checked out or missing, non-English – yeah, you guessed it. Anyway, put in hold request for one of the English copies. Seems like there ought to be some (near-)ideal venue(s) or other opportunities for actually getting to meet and know people – but damned if know where. Not a whole lot ‘o folks I know rather/quite well, and pretty close to zero that know me particularly well at all … okay maybe precisely zero if we round off partial knowing bits to a whole number. Aye, “friends”? … what friends … hardly, … certainly none I could exactly (or even fairly closely) hang out with and tell ’em what I’m thinking and feeling … certainly none anyway, that are like actually reasonably available (if it’s typically weeks to year(s) between hearing back from ’em, that doesn’t count all that much). So, … I type it off into the Ether, where almost nobody sees/reads it – not that I necessarily care that much either way … well, okay, in some ways I do, in (many) others, I just don’t … or … maybe I think I don’t? Whatever.

So, turned out to be a relatively cruddy week … oncall duties atop everything else – including all through the weekend – makes it feel almost like working 12 days in a row … with oncall atop that for a full 7 of those days, … bleh, … never really quite fully get a break from it. And having oncall events at one something in the A.M. on Saturday for stuff that was already attended to less than 12 hours earlier – and having that yet several more hours, didn’t exactly help get the weekend off to a “great” (or even satisfactory) start. Yup, wee bit of a min-break (alas, with oncall gear in tow) … those Saturday plans flopped. Even the phone call that was to happen Thursday evening planning that, didn’t happen – just got voicemail – wasn’t until Friday evening that that “conversation” (of sorts) resumed, … only to be quite fully flopped later anyway. “Oh well”. 1/3 of one’s life oncall is too much – particularly when one gets paged/called quite a bit when one’s oncall. I’ve turned down jobs that have been 50% oncall before. 1/3 is definitely pushing those limits (at best). And it’s not like I get some incredibly great compensation and/or benefits for (also) having all that oncall responsibility/hours/work … not that even that would necessarily make it “worth it” – one never really gets that time (hours/days/…) back.

Stress … headaches, … I rarely get headaches. When I do, it’s almost always stress – and not stress in a good way (not all stress is bad – heck, exercise is a form of stress). About the only other things that “typically” (and also, thankfully, rare for me), give me headaches, are some odd combinations of sunburn, dehydration, cool/cold air, bit of exhaustion, or some relatively atypical illness for me (e.g. flu … with fever … which probably causes … stress). Not sure precisely what, but yeah, definitely (stress) headache(y) much of tail end of week and well into Saturday … at least on-and-off. Not sure precisely what for “cause”, but I could point at various probable causes and/or contributing factors … though not necessarily a complete list. So, … there were the Saturday plans that flopped – quite possibly in part the anticipation and looking forward to that, and that just not panning out along the way – Thursday call – expecting to talk live, … got voicemail, didn’t get called back until fairly late Friday, and, well, despite good/encouraging call Friday, things quite flopped for Saturday – and to make it “worse”, I was still all quite looking forward to Saturday, and expecting a call late that afternoon, … only to find I’d gotten two emails since the earlier call, and, yeah, it wasn’t happening, … might’a known much sooner, not wasted a whole lot ‘o time looking forward to and preparing for something that just wasn’t gonna happen, but, not how it played out. “Of course”, other gunk – like oncall – when dealing with hours ‘o extra gunk in the wee hours Saturday A.M., it’s not like I was also taking time to peek at and catch up on anything that might be in my personal email (sure, I check it, but about daily is pretty typical frequency … sometimes more, sometimes less … not like I do or want to live my life wrapped around my email – if it’s time critical from someone I know, they can pick up the phone, and if it is time critical, email is usually not the way to ensure someone will actually look at and see it in a quite timely manner). So, yeah, between (most likely) work, oncall, and other stuff, was rather stressed/headachey lateish Thursday … and again on Friday – at least much of it. And, … my favorite “treatment” for headache (certainly at least stress headache)? … Sleep. Okay, can’t always be practically applied all the time, but … as feasible, … so, … late(r) Friday night, but probably quite a bit earlier than I otherwise typically would, … oh, was roughly around 11 or 11:30 P.M. or so? … went to sleep, … to, … “of course”, only be rudely awoken by oncall gunk at one something in the A.M. – and that sucked up several hours – not to mention not easily getting back to sleep either. So, … later, more sleep (and again occasionally interrupted by oncall), … try to ease into my Saturday (or ease into it yet again, having such already interrupted multiple times) … eventually up and about, do some errands/chores, etc., anticipate/prepare for Saturday’s fun and … nope, that got nixed. Ah, more stress. Lather, rinse, repeat … more sleep, … more oncall interruptions. So, … yup, by then, rather/quite in a funk, … managed to pretty much “chase”/sleep the headache away, but by mid-Sunday, still in fairly cruddy mood. And … oncall strikes, … again, … and again, … bleh. Okay, I’m highly responsible on the oncall and handle it very well and responsibly and all – boss even quite repeatedly and consistently says it to me – handle it better, more thoroughly, completely, well, competently, etc., than anyone else on the team, and he never lacks confidence in my well handling whatever comes my way. Nevertheless, I’m glad (probably) nobody ever dies if something on oncall doesn’t get handled or handled just right or as well as feasible. And I think I can certainly see how excessive oncall impacts quality … pretty well documented too, e.g. alarm fatigue syndrome and the like. The mishandling of such (alarms / oncall) can have serious to grave consequences in some environments – e.g. critical care, nuclear plant operator, etc. Sometimes folks forget to adequately and properly consider and account for the human factor. Machines/software/etc. don’t (as much) get tired and burnt out, even if overworked, … not so for humans.

Work … and … not. So, yeah, sure, I can complain about the work (and oncall!), … but it’s not all that bad, … but maybe (probably) I’m relatively less enthralled with it lately. And the non-work stuff? Yeah, haven’t been as interested in much (of anything?) there. Okay, keep trying on the friend goop, but that mostly just repeatedly fails rather to quite miserably, so, yeah, that’s not exactly helping. Hmmm, so what am I inclined to do? Bury my nose lots more into work, … yeah, not a particularly good idea – besides, doesn’t “fix” anything (at least hardly), and at best is mostly just a bit of a distraction … more of a deferral of issues not (fully) addressed/solved.

More random goop ;-> … as long as I’m “rambling” anyway – okay, did at least already think of all these things a bit earlier – quite recently (and in many cases, also earlier too – sometimes many times) …

A “clearing of the air”. So, … that long distance relationship thingy … had a (particularly) good – but not easy “conversation” (communication) about two weeks ago. Good bit is it helped on some “clearing of the air” – got some stuff across (bi-directionally) that hadn’t (quite) been making it across. Great huh? Well, … good? Eh, … sure, cleared the air a fair bit, but … didn’t, doesn’t, and hasn’t really changed a thing – other than it happened to clear the air a bit. So, … that’s all still mostly quite highly “stuck” where it is – namely thousands of miles apart, and been that way for years, not probable to change any time particularly soon, and longer term remains an open question. Stress? I dunno, maybe reduces some, maybe increases some, or bit ‘o both most likely. I definitely tend to feel we’re more drifting apart, than together … if … if there’s any net movement there at all that can be particularly detected or measured – or even felt. Way too long apart and way too far apart definitely sucks big time, and continues to suck – definitely not recommended. Never would’ve exactly “chosen” it – kind’a happened by accident. Sure as heck would never attempt anything like that again, … no way. Heck, OkCupid – on setting search criteria … distance … I think the shortest distance it lets one specify is 25 miles, … I friggin’ find myself always wanting to crank that down to at least 15, if not 10, miles. If it’s too far to pretty conveniently and quickly (and even regularly) get together, … it’s … too far! The hell with virtual – I could live on the moon and do virtual (okay, there’d be a bit more latency, but other than that …). If nobody’s willing to “risk” being there in person, then they’re not really willing/able to really be there.

(not-so-)random dream … bah, … more like an unwanted and unwelcomed intrusion. So, … ex-friend … perhaps a hazard of sleeping a bit too much and/or at odd times and/or under stress, … whatever. So, … dream, … enter ex-friend into dream, … in dream her head was way messed up (but only about 1/10th as bad as reality), but – in dream – she both wanted me, and also hated my guts (without reason, of course, but nevertheless). Yeah, messed up dream – got a bit closer to her in dream (as in didn’t turn and run away), … and “of course”, it did not go well. Probably just my head/subconscious messing with me … or maybe just trying out “what would be the best case scenario on that” and ending up with “yeah, that still super sucks – and that was the best of possible outcomes”, or maybe head/ego on the lonely and relatively desparate side of things, just trying out a (cr*p) idea, and ending up with, “yeah, that super sucks big time.” Don’t know what the f*ck else she was doing in my head – rather not have her there at all, … but there were a couple incidents – one highly random – in the last few weeks or so, that brought her to mind (e.g. one involving a family member of hers). Anyway, not somethin’ I particularly want in my head … even subconscious, … be gone already.

Other random bit of another dream … semi-social bit of event on Sunday … dreampt about that ahead of time. In the dream, the venue had transformed, from a quite casual cafe, to a much more upscale restaurant – white tablecloths and all that. In dream I remember remarking something like, “Oh, this is a nice change” – all the while feeling even that much more uncomfortable there – as I’d quite expected and was anticipating and prepared for the much more casual cafe setting. Not sure what was up with that … maybe was just feeling that much more uncomfortable about (potentially) going. Went anyway. Felt awkward/uncomfortable – more so than “usual”/typical, wasn’t all that bad, certainly not intolerable, … but good? Eh.

“How are you?” “Fine, thanks, how are you?” a.k.a. I lied. Didn’t intend to. Its one of those cr*p things you’re taught as a kid. Someone asks, “How are you?”, you don’t tell them how you are, no, you say, “Fine, thanks, how are you?” Bah. Often too, it’s habit and/or psychological defense mechanism. Someone asks, you don’t want to share with that person how one’s really feeling, so one deflects – or outright lies … even quite unintentionally – reflex much more so than at all a conscious act. Still rather sucks. Sucks more so, e.g. Friday evening phone call, okay, so maybe only nascent friendship – if that? … but question came, something like, “How are you?”, and my response, the reflexive “Fine”, or something rather/quite like that, when that wasn’t a particularly accurate reflection of reality. Did catch myself on that … but … too late, I only really noticed it after the call, I was like, to myself, “Why the f*ck did I answer/respond like that?” It’s not like I couldn’t “afford”/risk to be more (or even quite) honest in the response. Sure, wasn’t a deliberate deception, but a deception none the less. A (much) more accurate response would’a been something more like: “Eh, bit stressed/bummed, been kind’a hard week, but looking forward to getting together Saturday.” … but no, didn’t manage to say anything quite like that … well, except possibly/probably about the getting together on Saturday. So, … sometimes defense mechanisms are useful, … and sometimes they just get in the way.

“He’s a really nice guy.” … friends (& possibly more), etc. I get a lot of the remark about – even to me … “really nice guy”, … always seems like there ought to be a “but …” added on there – like some something I just wasn’t or never got told, … but … there never is. At least I never hear or see it … well, with exceedingly rare exception (e.g. way back in high school, some girl I was getting along fine with and we’d been on some “dates” … and then she just lost interest in me, generally wouldn’t return my calls, etc. … I eventually found out from her what it was – she started makin’ nice with a guy that had a car … I didn’t yet, she just preferred a guy that could give her a ride to where she wanted to go, … gee, like I thought it might’a had something to do with me, but nope, not at all – and that’s (almost?) always the case when I do find out what that “but” is). Meanwhile, some often, even repeatedly and chronically, go for the jerks. Well, I refuse to be a jerk. If someone wants (subconsciously or otherwise) themselves and/or their lives to be screwed over by some jerk(s), they can find plenty of volunteers to assist them with that, but I won’t be among them.

Father, parents, etc. Mom’s a bit weird, … whatever, one doesn’t chose one’s parents. Father – haven’t heard from him in literally decades, he’s quite chosen to remove himself from family contacts. It’s not like I don’t try at all, … I just never hear back. Last we spoke was at his mom’s / my grandmother’s wake … and could barely be called a conversation. Prior to that? Slight trace of contact in the 1980s. Yeah, I think the very last time he ever initiated any contact with me, was in 1984. Parents divorced in 1972 … dad saw me and my sister semi-regularly for a while after that, … then it tapered off to nothing, … similar happened again a few years later, but tapered off even more rapidly. I’ve heard damn little of/from him since then. “Oh well”. So it goes, … some have it better – even lots better, … some worse, … even much worse. There definitely tend to be correlations though, … but not guarantees. Some folks I know in, e.g. early 20s with way messed up lives, generally way messed up upbringing. Some I know – e.g. comparing first cousins – helluva much better family situation – great loving parents, etc. … those kids, all quite highly successful and generally pretty happy in their lives, … compared to, e.g. me and my sibling, … certainly not exactly horrible, but not exactly so nice, smooth, and well adjusted (definitely some lumps and bumps and missing bits – at least along the way). So, yeah, … that stuff matters, but … it’s not like a life (or death) sentence. It’s significantly correlated, statistically, but far from absolute. I can’t really “blame” anything that did – or didn’t happen there. It’s not like the folks are or were at all “bad” – just human, with all their flaws too, just like anybody else. One excellent friend of mine (still miss him – he died years ago), long time ago pointed out to me how I was quite interested in beating my dad at chess – not that I (hardly) ever played my dad, but nevertheless a poignant observation – even all those years ago. It’s sort’a like I still want to do something to impress him. I don’t know why, though, … it’s not like I’d actually expect to win his attention or something like that. Been essentially ignored way, way to friggin’ long for that. No way to make up for that much lost time, … ever. Just far too much gone. But neither ought I to be “blaming” him or the like – even if I might – even if just subconsciously, sometimes feel even a bit so inclined. In any case, just is. Gotta just make my own way.

And … after getting all this “cruft” off my chest, perhaps (fairly) soon I get back to writing about some other stuff I had in mind to address (did – and still do – have at least one other topic in mind).

Anyway, … that was then, … by that Monday I felt pretty decent/”normal”(/average) again, but, alas, weekend was quite lost – and then off into another week of work. And so it goes (or went).