Posts Tagged ‘mood’

Blah…

2016-08-16 02:05:21 PDT

Blah… <ramble, ramble> …

So, … haven’t been feelin’ so hot (as in good) lately.
Had a two week anti-vacation (think mostly opposite of
vacation, except it sucked up the time lost the time
from work, didn’t get paid for it, and it was much more
expensive than an excellent vacation, and it was about
two weeks of fairly close to hell – and least quite
sh*tty, anyway) … it’s been a bit over two weeks
since then some R&R & time with friends has helped, but far from fully recovered from the anti-vacation. Yeah, so earlier, friend was suggesting might take up to fair while to recover – even significantly longer than the anti-vacation itself. I sort’a blew that off, figuring I’d pro’lly recover in roughly about half the time of the anti-vacation. Well, … not so – already been more time than the anti-vacation itself, and, while certainly doing (much) better than immediately after it – still far from fully recovered. Anyway, I digress from main point I wanted to attempt to cover.

So, … yeah, not feelin’ so hot – most notably generally lack of interest in doing most anything. Sure, still go through the motions, but … what do I actually enjoy, what do I look forward to. Yeah, that’s a major problem. Mostly a lot of nothing – not to say that I look forward to (e.g. doing) nothing, but rather there’s mostly nothing that I look forward to. That sucks. Need to find stuff I actually enjoy doing and want to do, and look forward to doing. Unfortunately most of what I seem to find and/or think of in those categories is – or at least seems/feels, relatively unatainable. E.g. girlfriend/relationship – haven’t even tried very much on that, at least for the most part, in several years now – but despite lots of time and effort – especially earlier, really have little to show for it … very very little. I mean if I look at stats there, it’s staggeringly depressing. So often I try to even avoid thinking about the numbers … unless I see or can think of some way I can learn something useful from that data to improve things.

Sometimes (okay, maybe more like often perhaps?) I think I might just be better off coming up with stuff I can do that mostly or entirely doesn’t involve other people. Yeah, sure, do have some quite cool friends … but can only burn so much ‘o their time – they have lives too. Everything seemed so much better when I had a decent girlfriend … okay, so it was (very) long distance, and we spent way way way too much time apart, and not nearly enough together – but at least I had hope we’d get that long distance part fixed … ’cause except for the long distance part it was great, … though that’s a huge “except”. I mean when the relationship is almost entirely long distance … well, it’s mostly just a relationship with some data bits goin’ back and forth … text … voice, … maybe sometimes some pictures or whatever. It’s absolutely definitely not the same as being there … not even close … especially as the time goes on, and on, and on, and on – and it’s huge stretches of time apart. So, yeah, … not findin’ myself all that interested in much of anything. :-/ Oh, sure, no shortage of stuff to do. But most of it just stuff I’m not that interested in.

Yeah, anyway, need to “fix” all that … well, at least the more/most important bits, at least. Hard to get motivated though, … especially after so much of it flops. Better job would be good. Have had better – but sooner or later better changes, and no longer is – e.g. fantastic boss is replaced with horrible boss, companies have significant economic hardship (or they’re just stupidly and rather indiscriminately laying people off – and I find myself in an intolerable position, or unemployed – and have to find something all over again. Other depressing stat that I realized relatively late – with a bunch of expenses and other financial losses from recent anti-vacation etc., and thinking how hard and long it takes to recoup those losses … thinking about inflation and increases in cost of living etc., vs. what my income has and hasn’t done in the past … ’bout dozen years – anyway, when I take inflation / cost of living into account my income over about the past dozen years is not only pretty flat – it’s probably slightly worse than that. That’s definitely not good. So … not gaining ground, not holding ground … but actually losing ground. Seriously not good. How feasible it is for me to change how much of that – not really sure – probably can help that fair degree – but only so much so reasonably within my control. And I sure as heck don’t want to be chasing after the job just for the better income and taking some cr*p job or working in some sucky environment. Paralyzed? Immobilized? Naw, … ought be motivated … highly motivated even. But too damn pessimistic (or is it realistic?). That makes it damn hard to extract oneself from significant rut.

Ah well, … it’ll get better. Maybe only slightly, as I finish recovering from my anti-vacation (financially recovering that will take many months – at best – but at least the other recovery bits should mostly be faster).

Hmmm… I also find myself being very hard on myself … I don’t like making mistakes, missing doing things I should get done, forgetting to do, or not getting around to something I felt I should’ve gotten done … well, there’s been a whole lot ‘o sh*t to do (anti-vacation) – much of that’s all done, but there’s still some significant bits left to do on that yet, … plus there’s tons of catching up (or attempting to), from all that didn’t get done when anti-vacation effectively took well over two weeks away from me. Anyway, all this sh*t that’s been going on … in large quantities, and consuming much resource (time, money, energy, etc.) … I’ve missed some things, made some mistakes, forgotten some things … and I find myself (semi-)beating myself up over ’em … being my own nag, etc. upon myself for that stuff. Definitely not the optimal approach to improving the situation. Some stuff I just blow off – ’cause it’s just not feasible to do it all. Yet I still feel bad about it – if not even approximatley “guilty”. Yeah, … counter-productive and sub-optimal that. Yup, … don’t, e.g., need a family member or anyone else beating me up or beating me down, when I’m more than capable of doing that to myself.

Yup, … well … it’s mostly me that has to fix all this for me. Ain’t like someone else is gonna jump in and fix it for me … nor would that even be possible.

Some folks occasionally suggest, e.g. therapy. Hey, I’m happy they found it worked for them or whatever, but me – I mostly found it a relatively huge waste of time/money/resource for relatively negligible results. Seem to mostly do better just going out and trying random sh*t – and that’s also more likey to find me something I might even like to do. And friends are good – at least to the extent one has friend(s), and there’s some mutual time or whatever. At least that seems to be my general experience (your mileage will vary / individual results will vary). Tuesday early A.M. … and I’m thinking what am I looking forward to this week … weekend … heck, out a full 7 days. Unfortunately not all that much. Probably some bit ‘o time with some friends ‘n such. Probably a slight bit of hanging out with some acquaintances … if that even happens. Okay, … what else? Nothin’ I can specifically think of. Oooh, ooh, friends, what would I like to do with friends? Sure, like spending some time hangin’ out … what do or would I want or prefer to do or more specifically like to do with friends? … yeah, again, I fail to come up with hardly anything. I mean it’s like all better hangin’ with friends, than not … but … what would I most like to do? Can’t even really think what. I mean I’m *sure* there *is* stuff/activities/whatever … but that I can’t think of something – seems to indicate there’s some attitude adjustment needed in my head … or maybe “just” – or especially – burnt/tired/fried/exhausted (and still recovering) from my anti-vacation.

Advertisements

optimal? semi-random update bits

2013-08-25 01:42:37 PDT

So, how have I been doing, what’s new? Etc., etc.

Well, I think generally, some (slight?/)moderate bit better. Kind’a generally “okay”, or at least “passable”. A bit above “surviving” I guess, but not by all that much – certainly not “living”, but, eh, whatever, beats things sucking even worse, anyway.

And, at the moment? Meh, not so hot. And, yeah, that’ll probably make my writing suck even a bit more. “Oh well”, deal with it. ;-)

So a few random thoughts. Ought I be much more me? Or, rather “be” much more neurotypcial(NT) – or at least “fake” it better, or learn how to much better interact with such? I really don’t know. Somehow I guestimate that what is and would be optimal, is probably some of both – and may very much depend upon circumstances, and other factors. “Use what works.” – I don’t think that’s a static answer, but qutie context dependent. Rats, if only all the “right” answers, were simple ones.

Other bits – social interaction, and how I suck at it – especially non-verbal. But, … is it really on or mostly on the “sending” side, … or is it receiving, … or both? I’d been tending to think it was mostly a “sending” problem. Namely, at “reading” emotional state, from faces, I thought I was fairly good at that – a hair above average even. But, … that was based on static images of faces – on-line kind’a test, no timelimits or time constraints, nothing moving (other than when I clicked to input a response or go to next image), effectively no interaction, reaction, or movement. Certainly a whole helluva lot different than attempting to have a conversation with someone – and mostly failing to make eye contact, as that tends to distract the hell out’a me, and have me completely forget what I was saying or attempting to say – even mid-sentence. So, maybe I also suck, or quite so, on the receiving side of things. Seem to do fair at vocal cues though – in the listening, … but not great … and … perhaps much better at that when I’m not listening to the words nor even trying to listen to the words. I dunno. I just shouldn’t jump too easily to conclusions – especially if they may be quite incorrect. Not that I’d concluded much, but had hypothesized.

This weekend, … yeah, thus far pretty sucky. Really quite nothing I’ve been looking forward to, nothing I’ve been wanting to do. Sucks more than work, and no, I don’t want to be throwing myself more into work – that can quickly become a bad habit, and does about zilch to make the rest of my (non-work) life any better. So, … yeah, have done far too little, seems I can’t find anything I want to do at all. And, crud, next weekend – a 3-day weekend – a whole other extra day to attempt to fill with … something. Well, maybe I ought try harder … or … more accurately, more effectively … to find something I actually look forward to, enjoy, want to do, and can actually do and achieve … and not some pipe dream that’s continuing unreachable disappointment.

Work ‘n all that – been fairly busy, … that and other random stuff I’ve been doing or more-or-less needing to do / get done. Has that been “good”? Eh, mostly just fills the time less painfully, … and is slightly productive (well, for me, anyway, work likes my productivity fine). So, sure, not “good”, but … approximately “okay” … passable. If I could get the non-work stuff even up to that level, it would be a significant improvement. Yeah, I did say I’m not in all that great a mood as I’m writing this. Generally been better / more positive, most of the last couple weeks or so. Not sure precisely why I feel somewhat more like crud at present. Nothing I want to do? Is that more cause, or is that more of symptom?

Connection? Yeah, mostly highly lacking. Did, in the past couple weeks or so, have a couple nice on-line chats with someone. That was quite nice and pleasant, and I really enjoyed that. But far too highly rare and uncommon. E.g. was with someone I’d not heard from, at least for the most part, in about a year. And, … since then – more of the same – little interaction/communication – certainly nothing coming anywhere close to a nice online conversation again. Had some other on-line bits ‘o chat here ‘n there with some other random folks, but that’s mostly been … well, too topical to post here now, anyway. Let’s just say it ain’t exactly been good for my mood. And, as for any in-person, face-to-face, any kind of real connection, or anything near anywhere close, or prospects thereof? Yeah, don’t I wish.

OkCupid and my profile there. Not sure why, but I feel inclined to go on there and edit it. Maybe some more of “me”, but, alas, with relatively “down” mood, and relatively “what the hell” attitude, that could be kind’a hazardous and/or not work very well, … yet that doesn’t seem to dissuade me from the idea. Haven’t yet, … but might go on there at any moment, and start editing away. Also frequently inclined to just totally blow it all away on there – get rid of profile, account, ‘n all that. Seems so damn hopeless anyway. Not sure why I feel like getting rid of it all like that. Maybe in part it’s like a “F*ck you, you had your chance, you never even said ‘hi’ to me or responded, or you rejected me anyway, without even knowing me.” … not that such attitude is at all logical, but what the hell do feelings and emotions have to do with logic? Hmmmm, other random bit … profile photos there need show the person in the photo. I was thinkin’ of mucking around with that … like make me as few pixels on there as could even possibly be recognized, … shrink that *way* down, … quite low res. And, would that help my prospects on OkCupid? Naw, statistically, that would likely quite suck. Kind’a inclined towards no photo at all – except I know that greatly lowers one’s odds on OkCupid. Yeah, logic, what’s that got to do with it? And probably best not to be editing my profile stuff on OkCupid while my mood is down. Despite any best efforts to the contrary, that tends to leak (more like bleed profusely) all over the place – even if not intended, and giving it my best effort, the negative/down attitude seeps through and permeates everything – and that tends to mostly just quite to highly chase away most any prospects. So, … yeah, maybe best if I don’t go on there … if I can keep myself from doing on there. If I go on there, likely it would just sink my mood more. All the efforts, and, crud, what, only one date this year, not even an hour long, and that was pretty sucky at that. Yeah, I should find something else to do, … almost anything else. Now, if only I could find something I wanted to do, … uhm, yeah, like that might actually even be achievable. Nice in-person conversation, that I’d like to have, but … we’re talkin’ reality here. Okay, so reality sucks, my prospects are pretty close to nill on that.

Buggers, and I ought also be updating my resume – similar issue there, if I’m in crud mood writing/editing it, that tends to leak/bleed through significantly, and not go so well.

Crud, yes the writing sucks, no I’m not gonna do much to fix this post – I read through it more/again, thinking to edit, and mostly just drags my mood down more, and, cr*p, starts giving me a stress headache, … not good.

Okay, let’s see if I can end on a positive, er, uhm, at least less negative, note.

“Don’t think about it” – yeah that’s kind’a often mostly a good thing/idea. Been doing a lot ‘o that lately. Especially relationships, or prospects thereof, friends or attempting to make friends or prospects or how to even go about that. Mostly just not think about it – as much as I quite possibly can. Not think about it, not try – pretty much at all and … results? Better mood. Don’t feel so much like cr*p/crud if I avoid, like the plague, thinking about it, or even so much as trying. Does it increase my odds of meeting anyone or anything like that? Hell no … not even trying, but often even retreat from and avoid most any possibility – especially if it doesn’t seem/feel highly probable to lead to some kind’a decent connection. Which, … kind’a means almost avoiding all contact. Crud, eh? And it make me feel better! Yeah, that’s bass ackwards, but is what it is. Maybe that’s why I’ve mostly been feeling better, f*ckin’ don’t think about it at all – at least as much as feasible … and even semi-actively avoid possibilities (really don’t need yet more disappointments/”failure”). Guess that’s why writing/reading this is so unpleasant for me – causes me to think about it, and that’s damn painful, unpleasant, and friggin’ depressing. Whole lot “nicer” to be not thinking about it – at all. Sucks being human. Sure as hell could do without emotions or any need/desire to connect. Cr*p. Positive note/ending, ah, yes, … (try to) fill time with “stuff to do” – “distractions”, do not think about connecting or attempt such at all and … I friggin’ feel better! [insert smirk here]. Whatever, … enough for now – switch my attention to some distractions or something else to do, and … I’ll feel “better” again (at least for certain definitions of “better”). “Fine thanks, how are you?”

Aw crud … :-/

2013-07-30 06:14:48 PDT

Aw crud … buggers, … blah, … whatever.

So, … had a bit ‘o momentum – “threw” myself at/into some technical stuff. Whatever, challenge myself a bit, keep myself busy, throw on some pressure and challenge, blah, blah. Did that okay … quite well enough, maybe even darn well or “great” … well, maybe not for me, but certainly accomplished the tasks quite well enough. Enjoyed it? Eh, no, not really. More like it just filled in the time slightly less painfully. :-/ And it was kind’a exhausting/stressful – and not exactly in a particularly good way – not horrible, but … whatever.

So, … “recovered” from that – that was about week and a half ago plus, … or so, give or take a bit. Momentum? Naw. Never got that “into” it. Tried, but just not enjoying it, … or really much of anything. Buggers that. Social? Eh, even done fair bit ‘o “social” interactive stuff. Any of it that I enjoyed? Hardly. Not that it was “horrible”, but much/most of it seems scarcely worth the time and effort … if at all. When I think how many meetings/events ‘n such, how much time at them, preparing, going, returning, and what percentage of the time I actually enjoyed there more than if I’d not even gone at all, … far too little of it – maybe like about 15% or less, … 20% if I was gonna be quite optimistic. Most ‘o the rest, well, pro’lly ’bout 50% or more, could take it or leave it … not really better or worse than not going at all, and, … well, that leaves about 30% or so, right? Yeah, well, maybe more like 25% or so, really just seemed/felt quite *not* worth it at all and would’a preferred to have not gone or been there at all. So, yeah, too, hard to be motivated to work on the social when it’s at most barely/marginally pleasant. Ugh. Yeah, sure, some bits are good – even *quite* good … but … far too much the exception more so than the rule. And, worth it for those exceptions? The exceptions are pretty independent and unrelated, so, mostly “all that other stuff” – really quite not worth it – or so it seems. But, … drop “all that other stuff”, and I’d have about zero social – at all – period. But I digress.

Sleep, stress, blah, blah. Ain’t been sleeping so well – but much more a symptom, than a cause. “Of course” I sleep pretty oddly to start with, but more recently, the sleeping has been even worse and more atypical than my “usual”. E.g. *early* Sunday, I wake up from a crud dream … of … yeah, was dreaming that I was late for something at work on *Monday*. Ugh, what a crap dream for wee hours of Sunday morning. Well, maybe slept “too much” over fair bit of the weekend, but … into Monday – yeah, slept very little. Went to sleep around 10pm Sunday evening, woke up a bit after 1am Monday morning. So, about 3 hours sleep, give or take a bit (though I’d gotten more sometime earlier on Sunday … I think – whatever). Crud. Didn’t really feel like going back to sleep at all … nor did I feel like staying up – nothin’ I wanted to do – so I filled the time anyway. Whatever. Well, same sh*t again tonight … went to sleep around 10pm Monday, woke up bit before 1am this Tuesday morning – today. And again, didn’t feel like going back to sleep – not really tired/sleepy … nor was there anything I wanted to do or stay up for, either, … whatever, … filled the time. But that’s a more atypical pattern for me, and not a good one. Stress … and no, not from the lack of sleep, … more like the other way around. Feel rather like crud, and that rather mucks with the sleep patterns. Ugh.

Too much “I don’t wanna“. Gotta try and avoid slipping more back into that. But really, there isn’t sh*t I want to do or hardly anything I’m enjoying or that I look forward to (or can?), and that highly sucks. Don’t wanna sleep, don’t want to stay asleep, don’t want to be awake, don’t want to do anything – nothing I want to do – don’t want to go to work, don’t care, drag myself to work, do good effective competent job ‘n all that, but I don’t particularly care, don’t exactly enjoy it – though fills the time less painfully perhaps than not, … toss myself into work often too long – bad habit to get into – particularly when current work situation gives me essentially no additional benefits out of that – don’t get more pay, promotion(s), better reviews/recognition … nothin’ like that. Do my 8 hours, it’s fine. Today, … put in bit over 10 … again, gets me nothin’ extra. Why? Somethin’ to do … and nothin’ to look forward to in coming home – so I put it off … worked longer. My commute is moderate bit under an hour, … did I come right home after work? Naw, … putzed about, put it off, eventually dragged myself home – shoved some food in my face before making the trek back home – nothin’ exciting, … something to do, fill time, and I ought eat somewhat better – was okay, but certainly nothin’ exciting. Then dragged myself home. And fill time ’till sleep, … then wake, … then fill more time, … then – comin’ up soon, get ready for and head off to work. Fill time ‘n get paid for it at work – at least 8 hours paid for, anyway … after that, nothin’ to look forward to on being off work ‘n comin’ home. Okay, nothin’ really to look forward to at work either. Uh, yeah, okay, sucks, nothin’ to look forward to period. Crap. Sucks.

Relationship(s)? Friend(s)? Far too little ‘o that, … and pretty dismal prospects. I often wish I had no feelings at all. Would be quite easier. Don’t know if it’s cultural/societal, or inate … or both, but would be hella lot easier if I had zero interest in having any kind’a connection with anybody ever for anything. But alas, I’m human, geez, I wanna connect. But for me seems friggin’ near impossible. Why? Why the hell do I care and want to? Can’t I just be a recluse/hermit forever, and never at all be bothered in having absolutely no one in my life at all? Yeah, rather wish that’d work for me, but doesn’t seem to. At least for me, highly sucks being so damn bloody alone for so friggin’ damn long, so consistently, and with shit for prospects.

“Fine thanks, how are you?” Yeah, right.

Better?

2013-06-11 22:09:14 PDT

Seems the approximately last week+ has gone at least somewhat better for me.  Not great.  Not “good”, but, well, at least “okay”, which is better than things have generally been for me for a fair while now.  And, so what about it was (so much?) “better” ‘n all that?  What did/do I look forward to?  Ah, if only it were that simple.  A lot was a fair – or at least moderate – bit different.  Wish I could say and point too, “Oh, that – that is what made it so much better – or, well, even significantly better.”  But I can’t.  Don’t know.  Whole lot ‘o factors/differences.  Might’ve been any one of them?  Or maybe mostly combination and combined effect.  And, sure, okay, not great, not even “good”, but hey, “okay” – that’s an improvement.  Sure, more of that would be good.  Uhm, … but of what, what did it?  Heck if I now.  Maybe it was “just”, or mostly, the more-so breaking up of the pattern(s), just doing some things different and/or more.  Perhaps so.  I dunno.  Some traces of hope in there – if even slight; slight being better than none or nearly so.  I don’t know, but was a relatively “okay” week … for a change.  Wish I knew much more precisely what made it so – but maybe it was everything?  I dunno.  Ooooh, and looking forward to …. what?  Yeah, maybe if I knew what made it better, I’d be looking forward to that what; but alas, I don’t.  So, am I looking forward to … whatever?  Eh, maybe barely.  Not like I’m avoiding or trying to not do whatever – not an aversion.  Looking forward?  Eh, maybe some bit better than could take it or leave it – at least on some stuff, anyway.  But, … grounded, solid, positive?  Eh, naw, don’t have or particularly have that.  Still mostly muddling my way through it … somehow. … and, … how goes the present week?  Bit early to say yet.  Not sure … okayish or so?  Maybe/probably not as good as last week was?  But better than most of the preceding weeks?  Just a guestimate anyway.  As I say, for this week, yet early to tell.

random

2013-05-15 03:27:23 PDT

various random bits, perhaps semi-topical (or semi-current, or just on/to mind relatively recently)

‘Cause someone asked “What is the biggest age gap you have had in a relationship?” Perhaps I “answered” too much. :-/

I was 24, she 37; she 21, I 28.  Not just years, but think percent or ratio, e.g. she more than 50% older, and I about 1/3 older.  So I lost my virginity at 24 to a 37 year old.  And for only that one rather brief span in my life – about 6 weeks – was I ever having sex with a woman in her 20s – just that one partner – and never a sexual partner that was younger than 21 – ever.  And since that very first relationship, if one adds up all the spans of time I’ve been in sexual relationship with someone, it doesn’t even total up to 5 months.  And, in the last about 15 years, been in such a relationship only a span of 3 weeks.  And I’m already past 50.  Damn life sucks.  Hope yours is going better than mine.

Perhaps I should’ve footnoted it to define “sexual relationship”, in that context, as actually having intercourse … not that that distinction would changes the picture a whole helluva lot.

“Wrong, Do it again!” – from Pink Floyd’s “The Wall”.  Not sure exactly why, but quite jumped to mind fairly recently and seems rather stuck in my head at least presently.  Don’t know if it is/feels like it’s “me” saying that to me, or “everybody else” (or both) – but in any case, sure as hell very much feels like that.  The social thing.  Yeah, obviously, I must have that very wrong – ’cause it’s so highly not working for me – over and over again.  So, it’s like – at least a lot of – no, don’t stop, don’t give up, but rather – mostly, lots of “Wrong, Do it again!”.  Feels like a damn torture – well, maybe not necessarily quite as much a torture in-the-moment, but certainly in cumulative effect (or affect, whatever) – damn friggin’ hurts like hell, and, … keep – at least mostly – tossing myself back into it – at least some fair bit, and obviously since it keeps not working, I must be doing it Wrong, so … keep repeating again – Do it again!  Ugh.  In-the-moment … and how’s that generally feel – social ‘n all that for me.  Eh, … rather like I could take it or leave it – at least most of the time.  Some of it moderately to fair bit positive, much of it too, feels quite the opposite.  Often not particularly predictable – often highly unpredictable – how things will go – and/or even how I’ll feel about it.  So, … really don’t know (much, if at all) ahead of time – at least in most cases.  So, … it’s like, even just “in the moment” – do I enjoy it or not?  Don’t much particularly care either way – for the most part makes so damn little different I really don’t much care either way.  Yeah, sure, if I spend (way) too much time isolated/isolating, I’ll miss that “contact” – though contact is relative misnomer.  Often it’s more of just being around people, with only zero to negligible contact.  And too, sometimes, if I do quite a bit of contact, frequently, even or often at length, etc., put much effort into it … and “of course” (? – but why?) still get zero results – or damn nearly so – that’s … well, besides being rather “torture” in cumulative effect (or affect) – well, it just ends up not only highly exhausting after a while, but really draining and frankly quite depressing.  If/when it gets to the point where my attitude rather to quite totally sucks, and I can’t even muster up or fake some reasonable degree of positivity, then it’s time to pull back and not try so damn hard – or perhaps even hardly at all – at least for a while.  ‘Cause, when my attitude gets that sucky, and I’m that run down by it, well, can pretty much only be counterproductive to still keep pushing myself on it then when I feel that horrible about it, in it, through it, and in every attempt I so much as make at it.  So yeah, sure, sometimes I pull back fair bit – even a lot – give myself a “break” from it.

TV?  Most television programming sucks.  Most of my adult life, I’ve typically not watched, or only quite rarely watched TV.  In about the last nearly 15 years where I now live, I switched on an actual television (picked up a quite small one for free that someone was getting rid of) only once – flipped through all the available channels (and many of them available where I am) – utter cr*p – nothin’ worth watching, turned it off, haven’t looked back.  That’s mostly been the case for me for many decades now.  I used to – as hobby – pick up, for free, non-working television sets and repair them(did that all the way back into my teens).  But after repairing them, all the intellectual challenge was completely and totally gone – as there was nothing worth watching – so what was I gonna do with a working TV set?  Anyway, fastforward in time – cable TV and all that – hundred(s) or so channels.  Yeah, still pretty close to nothing worth watching (I’ve never had a cable TV subscription).  Forward bit more in time – not only The Internet, but lots of video content available, and the vast majority of it available for free, or effectively so.  So now instead of like hundred(s) of channels, … more like hundreds of thousands or more.  And mostly not “broadcast” or real-time, but stored, so one can watch them at one’s leisure.  Yeah, still not much worth watching … but … out of the hundreds of thousands or more – including also much of what’s been broadcast before, … some things rather to quite worth watching … but still not all that much.  So I watch a few TV shows (more-or-less) and/or other (semi-)regular video programming/content.  But not much.  Of the current stuff, there are only two currently running programs I quite like (for certain definitions of “currently running”).  Doctor Who, and The Americans.  There’s also some bits of other semi-random stuff I watch – or at least sometimes watch – my “guilty pleasures” – but most or all of those I don’t much care about, and often don’t watch at all, or quite postpone (perhaps indefinitely) watching them.  Not gonna bother to explain – at least here ‘n now – why I like those two programs.  Anyway, among other things, I do quite like some of the bits of quotes and (more-or-less) “wisdom” in Doctor Who – not that (hardly?) any of it is “news” to me, at all, but, is often well said, and sometimes also more-or-less shown.  The Americans – one of the bits I rather like in it, is some of the music.  It’s got some faux period music in it (or maybe bits so obscure I don’t recall them at all?), but also some actual music from in/around the period it’s set in.  And sometimes used quite well.  One that keeps coming to mind, but that they’ve not yet used, is “Russians” – by Sting.  And one they used quite recently – I think it was season finale – “Games Without Frontiers” – Peter Gabriel.

Music … & loss.  Music can be rather to very good for me.  I don’t indulge nearly as much as I probably ought, some of those reasons probably “historical” and various life things that have happened along the way.  Back in my teens, and even earlier, sure, quite an interest and liking of music – especially lots of popular tunes and the like.  But did I buy albums?  No.  I was mostly on the “starving student” budget – typically taped stuff off the radio.  Never owned that many albums (or commercially produced tapes).  I remember back in college, there were folks there that had music collections – most notably album collections, that I was quite envious of.  I really just didn’t have the funds for it – I could scarceely afford college at it was (and that was a stretch!) – though too, others had it even harder financially (and/or otherwise) than I.  But music was a luxury I really just couldn’t afford – certainly not anywhere near as I wished, anyway.  And – really haven’t mentioned it to many – mostly just too damn painful and prefer to forget – but in 2000, major burglary, my entire audio collection was stolen (along with about 20% of every possession I had – of negligible value to anyone else or “street value” – but it was very valuable stuff to me … gone forever, never to be seen again.  I figure about 5 man-years of stuff, gone forever – and not stuff I could, for the most part, ever go out and just buy.  Stuff I created, wrote, assembled, collected, things given or handed down to me – not valuable to anyone else, but regardless, valuable to me, and irreplaceable).  So, all my recorded audio was stolen – albums, tapes, CDs – even audio tape “letters” exchanged with friend – who died before 2000, auido tape recordings of family members already deceased by then – all of my grandparents, at least one of my great-grantparents, and some other relatives long since gone, recordings of me and my sister as quite young kids, audio recordings from my cave explorations, stuff taped off the radio, much, etc.  Wasn’t a huge music collection, but it was all I had – my entire audio collection.  I haven’t even attempted to replace it.  So, yeah, music – generally good for me.  Most notably, it tends to make me feel something.  Not necessarily better, though sometimes so.  Mostly just tends to enhance or build a mood … whatever that mood might happen to be … or … sometimes shift it a bit, but mostly just tends to kind’a amplify what’s already there.  And, even when the mood is crud, and the music rather to quite dark or “negative” or the like, it’s still mostly a good thing … most of the time.  Even on the negative, … it tends to help kind’a work/feel it through … rather than more so just kind’a leaving it festering and lingering.  Yet at the same time too – though I try to forget, it’s also often hard.  That burglary – whole helluva lot of loss there.  And not a damn thing I can do about it.  So, yeah, sometimes, in many cases, music also reminds me of that loss.  And that may be a reason why still, to this day, I don’t listen to as much music as I might otherwise.  Certainly do sometimes, … but not a lot, and far from constant, or even as frequently as daily – even a bit.  Some music I hear – perhaps the song, or just where my head is at when and as I hear it, quite reminds me of that loss – and it hurts a lot more … or I just turn the music off, and try to ignore and forget.

Attitude.  My attitude has been pretty sucky.  Are we surprised?  Yeah, I know.  It should be better … much better.  Not exactly super-easy to fix.  I certainly wish it was much better.  Mood generally been quite sucky, and that tends to quite bring the attitude down with it.  Often very much so.

Advice.  Much easier dispensed than followed, eh?  Yeah, I can quite say that of my own good/excellent advice – even if I mostly follow quite a bit of it.  Certainly also fail to follow significant bit of it too.  And lots of advice from others to me – various persons, sources, etc.  And – rather like much of what’s on The Internet – some of it good/excellent, some of it cr*p, and … whole lot in the middle, mostly fairish – may be highly redundant of what I already know and tell myself, or might be “good”, but just not at all relevant – e.g. doesn’t at all usefully apply to me, my situation, country/culture I’m in, species I happen to be and planet I reside on, etc.  But, I should better appreciate the advice I receive, and make better use of it!  Sure,”of course”, some of it will be “wrong” or not fit, much of it may not be particularly useful or feasible to implement or may not do what I (or anyone else) want done.  But regardless, there’s probably, oh, guestimating, somewhere between 5 and 20% of the “advice” received (and/or that I run across, etc.), that is good to excellent advice, and also useful, fitting, suitable to me and my situation, feasible to implement (or at least sure as heck try), etc., etc.  Yeah.  Attitude.  Need to fix that.  Really hard to see and spot the best bits of such advice when the attitude (and mood) sucks.  It all seems so dark, impossible, infeasible, “can’t work”, blah, blah, blah (excuses, excuses, find a “fault” in all of it), when, in “reality” … well, it’s probably quite a bit better and more fitting, useful, and helpful than it would seem or appear or feel to be.  And should well appreciate such advice.  (I do, but may often fail to show, or adequately show that).  And, the especially challenging part – despite the sucky mood and attitude, should be able to pick out the best most useful bits, and apply them.  But damn, it’s hard to recognize which bits are those, among all the advice, when mood/attitude is doing so poorly.  But, it is in there somewhere!  And (un)fortunately, who best to know which bits actually do and would work for me, vs. which, wouldn’t, or not so well – why me, of course!  Hmmmmmmm… bit of a Catch-22.  Now, of course, someone that knew me highly to exceedingly well, might be able to pick out and emphasize those particularly most fitting and useful bits for me – even if I couldn’t for myself.  Ah, yeah, if only someone actually knew me that well and was quite inclined to do so … though anything at least slightly or more in that direction, is at least some bit of a positive.

Attitude, attitude.  Sometimes quite/too negative.  Gotta watch myself on that, as it can be a bad thing.  E.g. this (well, yesterday, as it’s 1:45 A.M. as I’m typing this) morning … yeah, shouldn’t ‘a been thinkin’ so much about the dad/father thing, but found myself thinking – not that I’d actually do it, but … of, like getting a T-shirt printed up, and printed large and bold on it (slightly censored version here):
YOUR DAD IS A
MOTHER F*CKER!
Uhm … yeah, quite the provocateur that would be, eh?  But I also found myself slighty bemused that, despite its great offensiveness, technically it’s literally and universally true (well, at least given certain interpretation).  But probably not the technical point to try and make after someone knocks my teeth out for wearing such a T-shirt.
So, yeah, also bad attitude – or most especially mood, and particularly combined with distraction – or more exactly just not paying attention, that can potentially be hazardous to gravely dangerous.  E.g. traffic.  Signal says “walk”, step off curb and walk – BZZZZT – wrong answer.  Just ’cause the signal says walk, doesn’t mean the two vehicles still barreling through the intersection at high speed, and the third one about to blow the red light and chase ’em on through the intersection give a sh*t about the walk signal I’ve got or are at all inclined to hit the brakes should a pedestrian step in front of them – after all, they’re pushing the gas to try and beat the light … if they’re even so much as paying attention to it.  So, yeah, catching myself with highly sucky mood, not paying attention, and stepping or nearly stepping in front of such traffic – despite whatever the damn signal happens to also tell the idiot drivers out there – not a good thing; shouldn’t be making, or nearly making that mistake.  And, “I don’t care”, or “I don’t care, at least I’d feel something.” – yeah, wrong attitude.  Being smashed by traffic is definitely a feeling I could quite do without.  So, yeah, gotta try ‘n keep that attitude in check.  Feeling like crud is one thing, but no use also being stupid about it.

This blog posting is getting too damn long – and I’ve only covered very roughly about half – if that, of what I’ve in mind to address.  Guess I’ll cover more of it later … if ever?  But one more bit before I “wrap” this one up.

“Do something”.  Yeah, do something … almost anything!  Much … well, at least significantly better than “nothing at all”, or merely filling in time.  And the social stuff, pretty close to tortuous.  Not that I’m necessarily or exactly giving up on that, but … really do need more to do than mostly just feeling like I’m beating my head against the wall over and over again.  So, … stick my head into something else.  Something I enjoy?  Yeah, right … got fair bit of a problem with that lately.  So, well, screw that, come up with an action plan and do something anyway.  So, … got more technical stuff to bury my head into.  Do I like it?  Well, my mood’s been crud lately, so, haven’t really been enjoying hardly anything at all.  So, not like I dislike it, but no, not “enjoyment”.  But what the hell, something to do, anyway, and something other than torturing myself with trying at social stuff.  Just bury my head and attentions in some technical stuff.  Master yet another technical skill – whatever, I do that dang well.  Not that it exactly makes me “happy”, but hey, at least it’s something I can not only do and do well, but rather to exceedingly well – beat the hell out’a failing over and over and over and over and over and over and over again – despite whole helluva lot of effort to try and succeed.  So, … more focus on sh*t I can and do actually do dang well.  Whatever, maybe it’ll earn me yet more money (though that’s not an issue) and I could potentially retire even sooner – if I want … though to do what in retirement, who the hell knows – other than “not working”, can’t say I’ve really got much of anything yet that I’m looking forward to in retirement.  Yeah, would be nice to have some dreams, fantasies, etc.  My “fantasies” have been degraded to pretty dang minimal stuff (like maybe even having bit of a nice conversation?  Or maybe like more than a hug or two or three a year – if that?) – pro’lly ’cause those seem more probable to be attainable.  Stuff like “wonderful relationship, get engaged, married, live happily ever after” … yeah, not even hangin’ out in my fantasies or even dreams in more recent months/year(s) … just seems way too damn improbable – if not “impossible”.  Damn, there’s that messed up attitude (and mood) rearin’ its ugly head again – or consequence thereof.  Anyway “do something” – so I can – at least also, do some more burying my head into yet more technical stuff.  Whatever, at least it’s “something”, a helluva lot less painful than the social sh*t, and … dang, I’m even rather to quite good at it – even if I’m not exactly able to presently enjoy it.  Whatever, at least it’s something.

More (mostly cr*p) later.  Yeah, about 4 hours to write and edit this blog entry – and at that a relatively piss poor job of it.  Now, if I put about 16 hours into it, … it would be, … well, … fairly decent or so, but still not all that great.  Of course that’s only about half the material I’d want to cover for a single day.  Sure, … just need 32 hours a day to cover the blog bits – and written well, then another 24 for life or whatever, … Yeah, not really so much blogging ’cause I “want” to (do I even really want to at all?), or even ought to … really mostly just need to – nowhere else to go with it – no conversation to be had or the like.  And so it goes.

Action Plan (?) … and other stuff

2013-05-05 22:12:07 PDT

So, … been thinking about it a fair while.  Mostly starting around roughly a week or so ago – around, and a bit before when I posted I don’t wanna.

Rather need an “action plan” … of sorts.  Or, to plan some action(s).  Wallowing in self-pity or the like isn’t good, particularly if done “too long” and/or too much of the time.  Okay, maybe some of that is relatively unavoidable, but regardless, need to make that “better” – or at least make some reasonable attempts thereof.  Notably, try something – kind’a almost anything – just not be stuck in the same, when the same sucks.

“When you’re going through hell, keep going.” – Winston Churchill

So, don’t just keep doing the same (or the same nothing), if that quite highly sucks. In other words, “Don’t stay there – keep going.”
So … plans, … and observations. And throwing a “pitty party” – not a good idea. Who’d wanna go to that? Certainly not me. Not even if it was my own party.

So, plans.  First, a quite general idea.  “Do something.”.  Almost anyhthing – just do it!  It’s not like I don’t have “stuff to do”.  There’s always “stuff” to do, and plenty of it.  “Problem” – at least mostly, is mood/motivation.  Don’t feel like doing anything, not enjoying anything and certainly feeling there’s nothing I’d enjoy – at least that’s available to me to do.  Well, the hell with that (even if it might be true).  Do something(s) anyway.  And why?  Well, multiple reasons. Most notably, it gets some stuff actually done.  Generally good and/or useful stuff – even if very marginally so – at least for having done or getting done, that’s at least a bit better than, well, getting “nothing” done, or quite minimal.  So, do something.  Even if it’s hard, even if it’s painful, even if I don’t wanna, even if I can’t see, think, feel, or imagine myself liking doing it or even liking having had done it.  Friggin’ suck it up and do it anyway.  Why?  Because it gets stuff done – even if that “stuff” doesn’t matter all that much, maybe even quite infinitesimally, it’s still at least something, which, when at least some slight trace good/beneficial/useful or the like, is generally better than a comparative nothing; so – do something!.  And, why else?  Well, because even if I can’t appreciate it or enjoy it at all, or enjoy or appreciate what’s done now, at least later, looking back on it, I’ll generally think and feel better about having done something, rather than quite nothing.  So, “do something”.  And it’s not like I don’t have a lot of something(s) to do.  Really I’ve quite the long list of such.  Rather a “to do” / “never ending list of doom” / “wish list” – long list, very long list, of “stuff to do”.  So, … “do stuff”.  And not that it appreciably “fixes” anything, or make me feel better – hell, doin’ it – at least some of it, might even feel worse – well f*ck that, just do it anyway.  Push on through.  So, that’s part of “the” / a plan.  Do stuff.  Again, not that it necessarily fixes anything or much of anything.  But rather that, at least generally, it’s at least slightly better, overall, compared to doing “nothing”.  So, … “do something”.

Other related, not-so-related, and semi-random observations and the like.

Fickle.  Flighty.  Mood not so “well grounded”.  Far too easily influenced by “external factors” – and mostly stuff that either ought not matter, or ought not have that much impact upon how I feel.  It’s not like it absolutely and totally gets randomly knocked about, but rather, more like it ought be much more solid and secure, and not blown/knocked about so easily, by the slightest – or rather minor – of breeze or influence.  At “deeper levels”, is quite well anchored, solid, strong, secure, but it’s the upper/surface layers, and at least fair bit in/towards the middle, that gets knocked/influenced about far too easily.   Not sure exactly why that is, or even particularly how it is.  And … some things have much more influence than others.  Not sure exactly why that is, either.  But, e.g., some examples (and also counter-examples).  Close friend I quite trust and like.  Opinions, thoughts, comments, reactions – even lack thereof – that’ll often knock how I feel all over the place … from quite good/excellent, to quite cr*p – and most anything between.  But at the same time, even from very much the same person, some, even many, of those opinions, thoughs, comments, reactions, and even lack thereof, will often have little to no impact or influence.  Not sure particularly what makes such a huge difference there.  I’m guessing it’s probably some combination of – and I don’t know the weighting – or even which factors may not even be significant or applicable at all – how the person feels about/towards me, and/or more specifically regarding item/matter/comment at hand, how I feel about that/them, how significant – or insignificant that item/issue is to me, how strong/secure/grounded I am and feel in/around that area – or much more insecure/raw/exposed/vulnerable and not so well grounded or such in that area, whether and to what extent I value/trust/believe their thoughts/opinion/perspective on the matter at hand, my thoughts/perspective on the matter (agree, disagree, shocked and surprised by their observation/commentary – pleasantly or unpleasantly, or not at all surprised), and probably additional factors that don’t jump to mind or I’ve not thought of.  What about “others” – other persons and random influences.  Some influence fairly similarly, some have close to zero or zero impact.  E.g. work, coworkers, random happenings at work – some stuff will rather majorly impact my mood and how I feel (even if/when it quite ought not do so at all), and other things – even which one might think would significantly to majorly impact my mood and how I feel – or would likely impact most people – will often have quiet small to zero or so impact.  Again, not sure why that is.  But I’d guess relatively similar set, but of different factors, play into such – some of which cause much impact, others little to zero impact.   And yet others, zero or close to zero impact.  E.g. random stranger who doesn’t know me from a whole in the ground – what they say to me, perhaps even do to me, will typically have zero to dang near zero impact.  Probably mostly because I also don’t know them at all, and haven’t developed any kind of opinion of their perspective/opinion/comment or the like – so I don’t yet value it – positively or negatively.  Rather like it’s just some random piece of data, which may not at all necessarily be valid data.  A mere piece of data, which may not really be information, nor at all useful, at least in-and-of-itself.  Yet, on the other hand, and somewhat analogous to good friend, for those I like, wish to influence, or most notably wish to have like and care about me and be interested in me, well, their opinions, reactions, etc. of/towards me, can quite majorly impact how I feel – even if it quite ought not to – regardless, it does.  Not sure how to “fix” all that, or even if it’s “fixable”, per se.  I am human after all – and that includes a lot of imperfections, and, egad, feelings and emotions and the like.

Fickle, flighty, (partially) “ungrounded”.  And I say “partially”, ’cause deeper down, things are quite solid, etc.  But what can, does, and/or might “fix” that, or make that a whole helluva lot better?  Relationship?  Ah, “yes” … but a somewhat qualified “yes”.  Sure, great, wondeful, solid, nurturing, caring, supportive (but not coddling, etc.) relationship – that helps … helps a whole helluva lot.  I think I’ve generally quite been at my best when in such relationship.  Unfortunately that’s been way too small a percentage of the time.  But, really, also, shouldn’t “need” a relationship for that – or at least not for most of that.  I ought be able to, at least mostly, quite do that for myself.  After all, it’s not like I’m not worth it and don’t “deserve” such support, care, etc. And I’m sure quite excellent at providing such to someone else (despite the fact that I can’t friggin’ get a date – but that’s another matter … having folks that actually finally get to know me very well, actually like, even very much love me – that, at least generally, ain’t been a problem … problem there has mostly been meeting folks, social interaction, and getting anywhere reasonably close to the point where anyone actually knows me reasonably well at all – most just don’t, and never will – very few exceptions to that that are, or ever even were, on the planet).  So, … I ought somehow manage to better nurture and support myself, etc.  And most especially when I feel like cr*p – as I don’t so much “need” such support when I feel good/excellent – or even mostly “okay”.  “Love thyself.”?  I’ve never been particularly good at that – and also tends not to work well for me.  I can end up with an attitude (arrogance, etc.), that is rather to highly counter-productive (not to mention being rather off-putting, etc.) – so that ain’t exactly the answer.  But at least it’s not like I “hate myself” or anything like that.  More generally, and typically, it’s more like “like myself” – which for the most part, and most of the time, seems quite “good enough”.  But how do I better care for myself – notably nurture, support, etc., when I feel quite like crud?  When I most could use the support, and, as is far too often the case, there’s nobody else there to support and care for me, so, … it comes down to me.  How do I well, or at least reasonably, do that, and when I feel least “capable” of doing so?  And why, when I feel so quite “down” like that, can I still rather to quite well care for and help others, and do so helluva lot better than I can manage to do so for myself?  Hmmmm… I don’t know, and quite unsure how to “fix” that, or even significantly improve that.  But if/were I able to, or when I could do so, I think that’d make for … well, not only help me feel better and “recover” better and the like, but also would make for a “more solid core” – and … especially a lot of those upper/surface layers, and much of the “in the middle”, that seems/feels far too fickle/flighty, and easily influenced about in how I feel – much more “knocked and blown about” than seems ought to be the case.

People, connections, interaction/social – vs. “things” and inanimates and the like.  Yes, (semi-)random additional things, but very important.  I feel rather to quite ripped/torn/conflicted.  Trying, pulling, going and attempting to go, in two very distinct and different (if not almost diametrically opposed – or at least orthogonal) directions at the same time.  Notably being – trying to be more “connected’ … social interaction and attempts thereof, e.g., hell, attempting to actually like gain some good friend(s) – like ones I could actually quite have a meaningful significant conversation with – and about stuff I actually deeply felt and cared about … yeah, okay, so unfortunately not exactly anywhere close to that (sure, one good friend – but can’t exactly do the communication thing much – and no, I ain’t gonna explain).  So, sure, a major “gap” there that I’d very much like to fill.  Hell, ideally, a relationship – damn fine excellent one, etc., etc., but, heck, a decent friend I could quite communicate and converse with would be a good start (and heck, prerequisite).  So, sure, want to have that, want to work on that.  “But” (excuses, excuses?).  Its hard, damn friggin’ hard.  Trying so damn hard, over and over and over and over, etc., and even often rather to quite getting the hopes up – yes, something here ‘n there, often seems like maybe, just maybe there might be some real possibility there, and … disappointment after disappointment after crushing dissappointment, ad nauseum.  It’s friggin’ harddamn hard.  And, especially after a while, it can get, not only highly discouraging, but really, frankly, friggin’ exceedingly depressing.  The trying and trying and trying ad infinitum with (mostly) nothing but failure, failure, failure, failure, ad infinitum, it friggin’ hurts, hurts like hell, and is damm f*cking depressing and discouraging (with negligible to zero exception), so, really, after a while, I just can’t do it – can’t face it, can’t even try – at all, … gotta take a break from it – pull back, “regroup”.  Just often not up for it, especially after so many continuous defeats and nothing but.  So, … I stop trying and quite pull back … at least for a while.  Maybe even sometimes fairly long while.  It’s not like I don’t want the friendship, connection, etc., it’s really just that I can’t friggin’ bear the pain of too many oft repeated defeats.  Just friggin’ can’t stand or tolerate it any more.  So, at least sometimes, quite have to step back from it.  Take a break … at the least.  And, really, thing I often, perhaps too often, find myself pondering, is maybe I really ought just totally give up on that.  Not even friggin’ try.  Whole lot of resource burn, for about zero results.  Sure, would be my loss (and theirs), but really, is it worth it?  Only so much time in my life.  I’m already past 50.  Some things I’m good at, even very good at.  But … social interactions, making friends?  Not one of them – not even anywhere close.  Maybe I ought just friggin’ give up on that, stop trying … period, and “just” work on stuff I am good and effective at.  And just friggin’ learn to deal with it – be friggin’ alone and lonely … forever.  Just figure out how to be, live, and deal with that “okay” anyway … forever.  Maybe I’m just not “wired” for establishing quality interactions with humans.  Yeah, I can quite do the quality interactions, … it’s the getting there that I highly suck at.  Maybe I ought just very much give up on that – maybe it’s just not fixable.

So, pulled in “conflicting” different (opposite?  or orthogonal) directions.  Yeah, sure, there’s the obvious – “connection”, social interaction, friends (or attempts thereof), relationship (yeah, fat chance ‘o that).  Try more, harder, differently, and again and again.  Or friggin’ just give up, walk away, don’t try, try not to even think about it.  Sure there’s that.  But also (orthogonal?) – inanimates.  Objects, things, electronics/computers/code.  I’m very well accomplished there.  Could probably also yet do helluva lot more and even better there.  So, maybe, I, at least mostly, just focus a lot more time/energy/attention there.  Keep tryin’ to make the world a much better place … just me not at all much connected to any other person(s) at all, in how I go about doing that, … “that’s all”.  Hey, at least it’s something I’m quite good at.  Helluva lot more “comforting”, or at least reassuring, to pour lots of time, effort, energy, resources, etc., into something and … actually have it go rather to exceedingly well.  Rather than nothing (or almost nothing) but failure after failure after failure after failure after failure.  After a while, it’s like, why the hell keep working at what one fails at and is, apparently very obviously no good at?  Why not instead pour the time/focus/energies into what one is actually at least decent at, if not highly effective, good, and competent at?  So, yeah, I do feel myself rather to, even highly, “pulled” in that direction.  Rather like, “The f*uck with people” (well, at least me attemtpting to establish meaningful connections, anyway), and rather, just deal with, work on, etc. inanimates – and in areas where I’m rather to highly good and effective.  Maybe I make people’s lives better by making them easier, more comfortable, more efficient, healthier, safer, more convenient, more effective, etc., etc., without, myself, ever “connecting” with anybody.  Maybe that’s (mostly) “all” I’m cut out to do, and can reasonably do or hope to achieve.  So, “do something” – yeah, I mostly find myself leaning very heavily in favor of the inanimates.  Maybe humans mostly just suck at connecting.  Or maybe it’s our so called “civilization” and society that’s so bad at it.  Or maybe it’s just me that so highly sucks at it (though seems it’s quite a significant portion of the population that seems/feels so rather to highly disconnected – so seems the “problem”/issue is helluva lot broader than “just me” – though I may still be quite in the minority, though a sizable minority).  So, yeah, computers is my friend – sure, no human warmth, no touch, no meaningful intelligent conversation, no “humanity” to ’em, but sure as hell got their advantages too – never hate, despise, or even dislike anyone (or like or love – whatever), they don’t abandon or walk away or ignore, never start or perpetuate wars or aggression – certainly not by themselves or of their own volition, exceedingly logical, just do precisely and exactly what they’re told, really no faults of their own to speak of (“This sort of thing has cropped up before, and it has always been due to human error.” – HAL 9000, 2001: A Space Odyssey).  So, maybe some day – or in cumulative impact – I’ll manage to do something that makes the planet a much nicer place to live, or at least improves human lives for some fair number of people, or quite possibly many more.  And maybe nobody will ever know it was me that did it – and maybe that’s just as well anyway.  Maybe I won’t even know.

And yeah it friggin’ hurts.  No, I don’t want pitty; besides, pitty parties suck.  So what, I can deal with it.  Ain’t gonna kill me (at least not quickly, anyway).

I don’t wanna

2013-04-29 06:43:09 PDT

Okay, so mood could definitely be better (hey, there’s always room for improvement), but regardless, particularly as-of-late (though it hasn’t changed all that much recently, either), feeling a lot of “I don’t wanna” – mostly just a lot of not motivated. E.g. …

I don’t wanna …

  • sleep
  • go back to sleep
  • dream
  • stop dreaming
  • stop sleeping
  • get up
  • get ready for work
  • eat breakfast
  • skip breakfast
  • get in the shower
  • get out of the shower
  • leave home
  • go to work
  • face people
  • interact with people
  • talk with people
  • interact/talk with people and not connect
  • be alone
  • have nobody and no one
  • be not connected – whether alone or surrounded
  • work
  • take lunch
  • come back from lunch
  • take a break
  • end a break
  • snack
  • not snack
  • stop working
  • leave work
  • be/stay at work
  • be paid to do essentially nothing ’cause someone else ain’t got their act together
  • be not paid to do essentially nothing ’cause someone else ain’t got their act together
  • deal with folks that ain’t got their sh*t together, notably if they stick it in my way
  • deal with my sh*t, especially if it ain’t together (but I’ll try not to put it in anyone else’s way)
  • go home
  • be home
  • eat
  • stop eating
  • have Friday evening and weekend – no work – or shouldn’t be working
  • have nothing I wish to do on the weekend that I can, or in my “social life” (what social life?) or free time, etc.
  • go out, do/be social
  • stay in
  • be asocial
  • feel I’ll fail again and again, at most anything social
  • fail again and again, at most anything social
  • have no clue why I quite fail at things social
  • have no one tell me or show me why I fail at things social
  • have nothing but disappointments – so much effort, so little to show for it
  • be without ever having a “date” – or even anything possibly close
  • be disappointed over and over and over, essentially always, with any and all “dates”
  • not know why they (“dates”, etc.) failed, and almost never be told
  • be in a close serious relationship for well over 5 years with definitely the wrong person
  • be in what seemed a “perfect” relationship, for not even 2 months, then miss it terribly for decades
  • miss those much less than 2 months, regardless … and forever
  • try again more than 2 decades later, and have it not work, in less than half the time
  • not try
  • know someone over 16 years, be in love with them over 13 years, be engaged to them over 8 years, be over 1,000 miles apart most all of that time, not see or touch them for over 4 years, never really even live together, and have it all essentially end
  • have missed out on all that
  • do all that again, or anything close
  • not still love her
  • forget
  • remember
  • lose a most excellent friend because he died
  • forget him – ever
  • keep missing him – forever I always will
  • lose a friend to severe and highly problematic mental illness (might otherwise miss her, but too painful, problematic, and dangerous)
  • be receiving credible death threats from a highly unwell ex-friend
  • have zero or close to zero real friends
  • fail to appreciate what I have
  • have unavailable (or nearly so) friends (but unavailable is better than non-existent)
  • feel like unavailable is (nearly) non-existent
  • feel so damn alone and unconnected
  • spend the rest of my life alone
  • have sex on average for a span of less than 3 weeks per decade
  • feel so damn untouchable
  • be so damn “untouchable” / not reached
  • feel like I’m mostly just unenjoyably (or neutrally) filling in time ’till I die
  • feel like I’m waiting for something to happen – with no idea what and nothing being looked forward to
  • feel like I’m waiting for my life to happen
  • not f*ckin’ care or feel I don’t care
  • have nothing I really care about to live for or look forward to
  • have an attitude that sucks
  • have a mood that sucks – especially if it persists
  • have writing that sucks, especially if I wish anyone might actually read and comprehend it
  • feel like it doesn’t matter
  • be interested in nothing or nearly nothing
  • motivated by or towards nothing, or nearly nothing
  • face the workweek yet again
  • not hear from my dad yet again, after about my 85th consecutive communication attempt with no response
  • have my sister not call me back, after I leave yet another voicemail for her yet again
  • watch my mom’s health steadily and too quickly decline as she does little to take care of herself
  • feel nothing
  • not care to feel something – anything
  • hold back the tears
  • stop the tears
  • be unable to cry
  • be unable to stop crying
  • be unable to feel
  • feel numb
  • continue writing this
  • stop writing this
  • be undecided
  • be wrongly decided
  • fail to properly consider and decide

(etc., & lather, rinse, repeat)

And, as I polish off and round out this blog entry some days later, feeling slightly better … but … only slightly. Mood still pretty sucky, motivation mostly quite lacking – really motivation on/for much of anything. But hey, at least it sometimes is a bit better … at least for a little while, anyway.

And maybe this piece is quite unfinished – maybe I’ll add more to it later, or edit/revise or otherwise update. Or maybe I just won’t.

mood – better, but fragile?

2012-07-28 20:04:42 PDT

So, last several weeks or so – about monthish, my mood hasn’t been all that great, … generally bit or more below “fair”/”okay” – at least on average … at least not highly down/horrible, but certainly below what is generally “average” – at least for me anyway. And it’s been up and down some bit within that too, but the average has been down from where it ought to be and typically is.

Anyway, regardless, last couple weeks or so, been doing better, … mood closer to what’s my “average” for me (which would typically be in the generally okay, pretty good, to good range). Odd bits I noticed though. It still seems relatively fragile. E.g. some rather to even very minor disappointment in myself, and my mood goes quickly crashing rather to quite low (even if very temporarily). It ought not drop like that, and certainly not that easily. Interesting bit I noticed too, it’s stuff that I do … or more notably fail to do – or “fail” at, that drops my mood precipitously. Seems comparatively impervious (though not entirely so) to things others do (or don’t do or fail to do, or whatever) to me, or just random stuff that happens. Can’t quite say that was the case a bit further back … e.g. like about 4 weeks or so – mood was quite in the crud range, and just about any type of disappointment from anyone or anything would just tend to sink it quite a bit lower far too easily.

So, … still not sure quite what’s up with that – my mood still, at present, dropping so easily with the slightest of disappointments in myself. That’s not “normally” the case for me. Been a comparatively rough last … oh … getting fairly close to two months now. Quite a bit has happened, … a lot … starting around two months ago, but more notably starting approximately a week into June. Anyway, I guess a lot of that is still “settling in”. Kind’a like I need to “rebuild” myself back up again, or be more “fortified” … or perhaps just a simpler matter of things needing to settle back in again and more properly “find their place”. So, maybe inside I feel more “jumbled” than ought to be the case. Anyway, at least the general trend is improving, and things seem relatively on track for making it fairly soon back to what is “normal” or “average” … at least for me anyway. Not necessarily for anyone else.

Interesting thing too, … over time, my mood just tends to “level out”. Pretty much regardless of how great and/or horrible things have gone, what’s happened, circumstances, etc., … after a while, my mood tends to level out pretty much in the “okay” to “pretty good”, or even “good” range – and pretty much regardless of happenings and circumstances. Maybe in some ways it’s some kind of “evolved” thing? That the even keeled somewhere around the middle mood generally works best – regardless of, at least longer term, ongoing circumstances? And perhaps because of that, that’s where the mood tends to settle out to.

dreams – as in asleep and dreaming (give or take)

2012-07-07 19:35:25 PDT

So, some dreams – or at least portions thereof that I remembered. Make of it what you will. May be rather to quite “random” … and/or not. Who’s to say? … at least on some of them.

I did mention some other dreams before, if one wants to peek or review:

Anyway, more dreams, … all within the last two to three weeks or so (quite possibly much more recent than that), and the last two mentioned, within the last 24 hours – at least as I’m presently typing this). In chronological order (oldest first):

The fake lucid (non-lucid) dream. I do, at least occasionally, have lucid dreams. This was one of those (almost) borderline cases … which I get probably roughly nearly as commonly as I get actual lucid dreams. Not really so much “borderline”, actually, as a fake lucid dream. Most notably I dreamed I had a lucid dream – but it wasn’t actually a lucid dream. But, within the dream itself, at that time, I believed I was having a lucid dream – but I was merely dreaming that, it wasn’t actually lucid. So, the dream, … or more like fragment thereof – not sure if it was part of larger or much more dream, or not, … upon waking, I didn’t specifically recall. I dreamed I was asleep, having a dream, and realized it was dream and was having a lucid dream … at least that’s what I was dreaming. And I dreamed that something … some electronic device or phone, or something roughly of that nature … not sure exactly what it was, … but dreamed it was relatively close alongside me – not right where I was sleeping, but off to the side, sort of on a shelf or pedestal or the like to the right of me – and rather quite approximating reality – except for the specific type and nature of device there didn’t quite seem to match up to anything I actually do or would have around there … other than a larger land-line phone … in dream, it seemed to be something significantly physically smaller. Anyway, in dream, it was doing something that was disturbing my sleep … not sure precisely what – less disturbing/annoying than a loud ring, but perhaps more like a soft or repeating beeping – almost like some beep of an alarm on a digital wrist watch – if even quite that loud/annoying. So, in the dream, I remember thinking that I was having a lucid dream, and didn’t want to wake from that or be disturbed by whatever that device was doing that was disturbing me. So I remember dreaming, in the dream around dream, that I could and would likely be able to well retain the lucidity of the dream, and maybe even keep or continue that dream, if I grabbed pillow or the like around me, or to the left of me, and placed it atop the disruptive device, quite silencing, or at least very significantly muffling it, … but, … that I had to do that keeping my eyes closed the whole time, and perhaps too, a bit slowly and carefully. Somehow I “knew” – in the dream, that if I opened my eyes, it would be bye-bye lucid dream, .. but that if I was able to muffle it without opening my eyes, especially if I did it reasonably carefully, and a bit slowly and such, I’d be able to continue along with my lucid dream. And, how do I know that was a “fake” lucid dream, and not a real one? Physical realities – most notably what/where/how there was – in dream – some device to be squelched in its disturbance of my dream – there was no such device where I dreamed it, nor particularly close, nor similar (enough) in nature. There were some other more subtle differences – e.g. what I had in mind in the way of pillow or such to grab, more-or-less how I was positioned, etc., that also didn’t quite correlate “well enough” to reality for it to be an actual lucid dream, but was rather instead, “fake” – a non-lucid dream. Dream in which I merely dreamed I was having a lucid dream, but wasn’t really. Also, the dream within dream – I didn’t at all manipulate or interact with that dream in any lucid manner, but merely – at least as far as I know or recall – dreamed that I could do so, as I “realized” it was a dream – but I didn’t really “realize” it, but merely dreamed it.

Desks & matchboxes! (WTF?) So, may have been part of much larger dream, … or not, … but there was one particular bit I quite recalled upon waking – and likely was dreaming that just before or as I woke up. It was a situation/scenario at work … but not at all well correlated in reality to my actual work – not even past, that I can think of, let alone present. Anyway, in this “work” scenario, there was a gathering of desks. But not normally arranged desks. These were pretty much all packed together, but just one-high, with no, or very little space, between them. Except, too, they weren’t exactly ordinary office desks. And somehow, these were desks that were being removed. Seems they were probably getting replaced with something else (cubicles? I don’t know – whatever it may have been, dream didn’t particularly seem to cover that – or I didn’t recall or have particular feel for that, other than they were being or going to be replaced … with something). So, we have a collection of outgoing desks. They seemed relatively uniform – at least upon casual inspection. But, somehow, within that, one of those outdoing desks was mine, … quite mine. And not some office desk I’ve every had or would have, but one of my own personally owned desks from home. Somehow it was there, in the outgoing desks, and in the dream, somehow that was my “work” desk that was among the outgoing, yet, understandably, I both felt a strong connection to the desk (after all, my personal desk, not just some office work desk – even if I’d used it as office work desk), so I felt both strong attachment to it, yet at the same time was quite willing to let it go. But not quite 100% precisely. Oddly, I felt some urge to go through that desk – and less carefully too, the others, for any content that should be saved/salvaged, that shouldn’t be discarded. And seems I had some trace of someone there too, encouraging me along to do that – but kind’a in the background – not even really at all sure who it was or may have been. So, I start going through the desks – “mine” first. All the desks are nearly empty, but not quite 100%. Some slight trace of the odd office supply bits here and there left. Don’t recall exactly what, but like a pen or two here, a few scattered paper clips there – things of that nature – slight, almost entirely empty, and – at least in the dream – not worth salvaging. Except … boxes of wooden matches. Pretty nice boxes, … small boxes, though some of the matches were rather longer. For some reason it was worth salvaging these, … I picked them out of “my” desk, and I think I was starting to pick them out of others. There were like maybe one to five or so of these boxes of wooden matches per desk. They varied quite a bit in the boxes themselves. All rather small in size, but the boxes all rather different – kind of like random manufacturers, all packaged a bit different, matches somewhat different in appearance. In “my” desk, there were at least a few of these – maybe three to five or so, … I think most desks typically had more like one to two or three … but some more. And I was going through, pulling these out, and piling them up – saving/salvaging them from being discarded. The desks and everything else in them wasn’t worth saving somehow, yet somehow the matchboxes were, … don’t think I generally found any loose matches, but maybe ignored those if I did. Somehow saw fair bit of the matches in the match boxes – mostly at least partially emptied boxes, yet usually at least half full or so, I think? Maybe the boxes were partway open, or I opened them? I think more likely they’d been left partway open – yet outer and inner parts of box – generally slide-style, were never completely separated. I think that’s about all I recalled of that dream – even when I’d first woken from or after that dream.

Some woman. A very short dream – but fair bit within such a short dream. How short a dream? More like early evening nap. Went from quite fully awake, to alseep and dreaming in REM sleep, to back fully awake, all in under 15 minutes, … might have been as short as 10 minutes or less. I did also earlier mention that – how it’s not uncommon for me to do rather to quite rapid awake-REM-awake transitions – see where I earlier mentioned sleep and REM and such. So, … (in) the dream. It was after work. I’d come home – but it didn’t really correlate to my home – many things were different – even rather to quite radically so – about it – yet I felt it was quite my home. Didn’t match home of anyone else I can think of – but perhaps some combination (perhaps roughly part of mine, and part of ex-friend … not really sure, and still didn’t even well match a combination such as that). Anyway, home from work, I’m tired/beaten/exhausted … not so much physically at all, or even generally mentally, … just more so my mood – felt very worn, tired, and kind’a down (not unlike reality, too frequently as of late). So, I was slipping into bed – or bed of sorts – don’t remember exactly – seemed like bed or the like (single bed, next to a wall, or something pretty similar to that). But I was just too “exhausted” – or lacked the will … didn’t get cleaned up, didn’t care, managed to have/get my shoes off – didn’t remember doing so, but they were off – but didn’t otherwise undress. Wasn’t even fully pulling the covers down, more like a bit from atop, rather or sort of pulling, or half pulling them over me, and not even a particularly good job of it at that – certainly not nicely and fully tucked in – clothes or not. More like half pulling some blanket or cover atop me – but seemed was part of the bed covering, rather than like some loose blanket. The woman – some woman. There was a woman there. She somehow rather to quite known to me. But not anyone I know or knew in reality – not at all in the least, … but perhaps some combinations thereof – bit of some aspect or feature from some woman I know, other bits from some other(s), … maybe too, quite aspects from one I’ve never yet met or known, just sort of added and mixed in somehow. Anyway, so I was rather lazily slipping or slipped into bed – if hardly that, … at least sort of partly anyway, … more than half covered, anyway, but not at all very completely or neatly. And she, kind of scooting up beside me – or more so behind me, on the bed, my back to her. Didn’t think much about it, other than noticing she was there – felt okay with that, perhaps even “fine”, but not really particularly felt or noticing more. She got a bit closer – I’m pretty dog gone sure she was fully clothed – had just moved onto the bed behind me – I think she might have touched me very slightly – or not – don’t remember … don’t remember feeling anything – anything at all. She sniffed the back of my shirt, … forget exactly what the dialog was, but I think she remarked something like, “Doesn’t exactly smell morning fresh”. I think I remarked something like “hard day” – though it had not been at all hard physically – or even the work itself – more so just my mood and feeling – very worn, exhausted – but mostly my mood that was exhausted more than anything else. Somehow I got the feeling the shirt – or t-shirt under it, might not have even been “morning fresh” as of that morning, … not sure really, but in any case, I didn’t tell her that, or that I so much as suspected or thought that might be the case. Regardless, she said something like, “Let’s get you out of these clothes”, and possibly adding a ” and cleaned up” to that also – don’t recall – maybe it was implied. I begrudgingly and reluctantly agreed. Was nothing at all sexual about it, not in the least – how it was said, what I (didn’t) feel, etc. Not even sensual at all, in the least. Just some wee bit of caring, … that she bothered to – at least some little bit. Not so much that I even particularly felt it, … but maybe enough to go along with her suggestion, … or perhaps that I didn’t want to upset or displease her, … I don’t know, not sure exactly what it was, but I went along with it. Not sure what happened after that, maybe that was the end of that dream, or nearly so … somehow I got impression of what then happened, or was going to happen, … she’d get me undressed, washed up – me, my mood and energy, etc. quite low all along, but going along with it nevertheless, something about “lets feed you” – she wanted to feed me some proper bit – I’d either not eaten all day – and didn’t care – or maybe only ate some bit of something once earlier in the day. So, … she did – or was going to – after washing me up, take me upstairs to the kitchen, … feed me something, … then take me back down to bed, and more properly tuck and slip me into bed. Naked? Or into pajamas? Don’t recall, didn’t care, didn’t seem to matter. As said, was nothing at all sexual about it in the least. Just a bit of kind caring, no more, no less – her for me, at least. Maybe I too felt likewise, but certainly wasn’t capable of showing it or reciprocating – at least at the time. And I think she then slipped me into bed, and again, saddled up behind me, again my back to her. She not hugging or wrapping herself around me … maybe barely touching or leaning to me – or maybe not even that. If she was so much as touching at all, seemed so slight that I wasn’t sure if she was at all touching or not, … yet a presence quite felt – if nothing else she was quite close behind me. One other bit I quite clearly remember in that dream. In reality, some very short number of days before (perhaps only one day?), mosquito had snuck in, while I slept, and bit me on the eyelid – was rather puffy and irritating for a good day or two or so. So, anyway, in dream … we were there on bed. It was very dark, … but in an odd, inconsistent, and non-realistic way. I think I made some mention of mosquito, … and something roughly about “I won’t hear it at all, unless it’s like two inches away from my ear.” Heard some other flying insect, much further off, beat itself against a wall a bit – like a fluttering moth, something about thinking or saying that was too big to be a mosquito, so that wasn’t it. She, I think, somehow saying / pointing out, in regards to mosquito, “Don’t worry, spider will get it”, and somehow there, we were both pointing to the teeniest of spiders, not in or on web, but hanging at end of or along a single strand of – invisible to us – spider silk, and there at the end, it was working on wrapping and devouring a flying insect it had caught – a teensy one – must’ve been a very small fruit fly or the like, … very small. But the spider too, so very small, about the same size as its prey. I somehow oddly was thinking both, that spider that small couldn’t possibly capture and consume a mosquito – the mosquito would easily be much larger in size – like by a factor of 5 to 10 or more). And at the same time, somehow I felt reassured by her, and not worried about it. Interestingly too, in this odd darkness. Dark as it was, and could only quite indistinctly see things about the room, could very clearly see that teensy spider, and the tiny fruit fly it was preparing to devour. Yet at the same time, as we both pointed to it – don’t so much remember her arm and hand, but mine – I could scarcely see my hand and arm at all – was like trying to see it out at night, in the middle of nowhere, with no artificial lights, and nothing but mere sliver of a moon – but moon behind overcast, and fog all around – could barely make out anything, and quite indistinct at that … that’s almost how indistinct my arm and hand appeared to me – yet could very clearly see the spider and it’s prey. That’s about all I recall of that dream – and perhaps all there was. Last of us, there together, me tucked in, her behind me – just kind of “there”, … the being cared for felt quite nice – yet at the same time, was that I seemed to only just barely feel it at all.

Woman – invitation to talk. Not same woman/”character” as dream above. So, in this bit of dream (sometime earlier today), woman I know? Yes, and no, and not really. More, again, like some combination of traits/persons/women – known, and quite possibly also unknown. Anyway, she was quite inviting me to “talk” to her. Some traces of bits of reality mixed in – probably rather to quite definitely – but in a whole lot of ways, anything but reality – or quite far from it. Nevertheless – in the dream – she, quite inviting me to talk to her, … but in what seemed/felt to me a rather odd/peculiar way. How so? Well, several things at once – and some quite conflicting – not even seemingly so, but some quite directly or even literally. It felt a very open invitation to talk with her – and I felt I was very comfortable talking to her, could trust her, etc. Yet at the same time, I felt I’d never really talked with/to her that much, but quite wished to. But there’s more. The what, the how. At the same time, the “invitation” of sorts (not sure how that was said/communicated from her to me), while it felt very broad, open, unrestricted, and that she could very much be “there” for me, at the same time, it was also very much not that … some how simultaneously. The “invitation” – was rather … even exceedingly focused. Was an open invitation to talk about “anything” – yet somehow at same time, it was invitation to only talk about one very specific narrow topic area – and only that – somehow that anything else would be ignored, or just was plainly not okay to talk about. Not that I didn’t want to talk about that one specific narrow topic area, but seemed highly limiting, and like probably that wasn’t at all what I was most interested in talking about, … or that it was even at all particularly important to me to talk about that particular area. So, … a non-open open invitation, … or vice versa. And yet more. How. Wasn’t so much talking to her, or invitation to, … at least a bit more “publicly” than that … not public, per-se, but where more than just she could hear/see/read what we’d be discussing. I was somehow like “okay” with that, but was also definitely not my preference at the same time. Other bits too. Could/would I be cut off at any time? A conflicting mix. I felt she absolutely could not and would not at all cut me off, or “leave me hanging” or the like – and that perhaps too, she’d even very much assured me of that – though I don’t recall specifically if she did, or not, or if it was implied. In any case, quite felt that she definitely wouldn’t cut me off. Yet all, at the same time, felt she not only very much could cut me off, but might very well do so – and quite possibly with the absolute worst of possible timing. Not at all intentionally or out of spite or anything like that – that wasn’t the impression I got at all. More impression of there were – or would be – very good, appropriate, and understandable reasons. But that I didn’t know what those were, and could very possibly never ever know or find out what they were or even might be. So, there I was, wanting to talk/discuss, “open invitation” – at least of sorts, very much wanting to, yet at the same time scared – maybe even terrified(?) to open up more, or a lot more. That was it of that dream, no more, no less – at least that I recalled. Very specific narrow topic area? Could say, … but won’t … I’m not even sure if that was at all or particularly clear in dream … was clear that it was – or might be quite limited to such a narrow topic … but I don’t think was particularly clear – if at all – in dream, as to what topic in particular. Reality vs. not? Definitely some mix. Maybe roughly 20 to 30% or so of that dream, bits more-or-less picked from reality – not necessarily highly so, but at least for some significantly correlated basis – if even not used that directly and accurately. And too, at the same time, whole lot of stuff my head just kind of made up in the dream – some more trace bits from reality, some with little to nothing to do with reality. A lot of it felt really real, but not highly correlated to reality – just very loosely, at most. Whole lot of stuff in dream – e.g. how the “invitation” was going across, who – or portions of who – extended that invitation, what communication and meta-communication was and wasn’t going on (or seemed to be the case) … whole lot there not all that well correlated to reality. How I did/didn’t feel about the person, vs. reality – can’t even directly compare, as didn’t match to actual real person – though maybe more so correlated to such an actual person, than just random stuff or other persons known or unknown, but still, only at best a highly rough correlation. So, what I did and didn’t think, feel, and towards the person, etc., really not appropriate to try to compare that to “reality”, as person in dream was quite not that same person – at least in many significant ways, or at least at minimum, some quite key significant, and relevant (at least to the dream) ways.

Random commentary. Maybe my ego/psyche is aiming rather to quite low recently. E.g. those last two dreams noted above, about as close as my head/dreams is getting to “fantasy”. Fantasy – anything incredibly fantastic, positive, nice, very pleasing and happy, pleasurable, etc.? No, … and hardly close. Dream “fantasies” more like just barely someone – almost anyone – bothering to care for me in some modest bit that I actually just barely even actually feel it a bit. Or “fantasy”, of not even so much as a lovely really wonderful open, “safe”, comfortable invitation to talk with someone I’d really like to talk with, and felt very safe and comfortable talking with? No, “fantasy” not even particularly close to that – “fantasy” of a mere sort of half kind’a semi open maybe invitation that might not be all that “safe”. Yeah, head is aiming pretty low. Sure, ’tis aiming above the (almost) nothing I’ve got there – quite close to that. But geez, even my dreams aren’t managing to muster up much positivity or bright outlook – not even for so much as a fantasy dream. Pretty minimally positive – just modest bits or so above reality.