above crud, and other bits

OMG!!! Yet another horribly long ramble? Maybe, … maybe not. Sure, some meandering topics … semi-related, … or not. Horribly long? We shall see. In not necessarily any particular order …

Food, eating, blah, blah, blah. I’ve been doing a bit better on that. Far from great, but … okayish? Mostly still, at least for the most part, no appetite (generally a symptom of mood being flat/down, but … whatever) and … likwise, eat, even stuffed to the gills, and … really never feel full, either. That still seems quite the case – and is generally atypical for me – but been the case oh … probably about a year and a half or so now. Anyway, doing a bit better on it … the eating part of it anyway. Mostly just trying to, and “forcing” myself, to eat a bit more regularly and better. That’s mostly it. Sometimes the appetite even puts in a slight appearance … but … mostly not. Whatever. So, … I deal with it, … and … try to eat more reasonably and consistently. Much more like a chore than a joy or a thing enjoyed at all, but, whatever, … needs be done, … and, … mostly doing it, … at least semi-/kind’a okayish, anyway. Sure, not great, but … at least a bit better. I dunno, mostly just don’t seem to care about or be interested in food, or hungry anymore – at least for the most part. Whatever, … just make it happen (the eating) anyway.

Mood in general? Eh, more recently, … general trend/average … a hair better, anyway. I think mostly above “crud” anyway – though that might also occasionally sneak (back) in. Good? Yeah, if only. More like okay/okayish, or … well, something above crud anyway, and between there and okay/okayish, … and … sometimes even at/around okay. Better than okay? Eh, maybe some slight rare bits above that for very short durations – if at all. Anyway, mostly above crud, anyway, and perhaps at least flirting/brushing with okay/okayish. Improvement, anyway, compared to, oh, I dunno, a few months or so ago I guess.

Stress, connection, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, I’ll first mention interesting video: YouTube: TED: Kelly McGonigal: How to make stress your friend watch from the start of the video or jump straight to the 2nd point I touch upon. Interesting video, and for the most part I won’t cover what it says or touches upon … except for two bits. First of all – stress. Not all stress is bad. E.g. exercise is a form of stress. And, I more-or-less – at least approximately, know, at least some key differences between “good” stress, and “bad” stress – but I wouldn’t differentiate in same manner the video does, but suffice it to say I can typically tell ’em apart – at least for me, anyway. E.g. “instant” stress headache – yeah, that’d be from bad stress. Stressful, but challenging, interesting, exciting, the kind of thing one typically enjoys and throws oneself into – that would generally be good stress. But I digress. That’s one point the video touches upon (though with rather different take on it). Other key bit is between stress (and oxytocin) and social connection/interaction. Most notably (and my paraphrasing from the video), that stress increases production of oxytocin, which makes us more social – more inclined to reach out and connect for support. Though I can’t say I generally support that hypothesis, I can say, that, under exceedingly high stress, it is definitely true – highly more inclined to and much more capable of making those social connections. And I don’t even mean from, or just from existing relationships/connections, but pretty much making and forming ’em almost out of the blue – from almost nothing to meaningful supportive/reassuring connections, and damn fast and efficiently at it too! Yep, have seen that in myself. Pretty darn rare that I’m that intensely stressed, but when I am – “poof” – almost like magic – when I really pretty much have to make those connections, almost, if not, as matter of survival … boom – they happen … and fast – and without me even having to think about how to do it or that I did it. Maybe it’s oxytocin to credit? I’ve no idea, but in any case, it works! And, damn good that it does – ’cause it pretty much has to then … and … it does. Unfortunately, however, it mostly just doesn’t last. Acute stress gone, then just can’t make those connections anymore, and those made under the acute stress? – typically fade out pretty quickly. Buggers. Now, if only there were some way to just “turn on” that capability – without needing to be under massive/acute stress for it to become “active”. Drats. But it can happen. Biochemistry? And/or very atypical psychological state of mind? Whatever, … it works. Well, … at least for that brief duration anyway. Then we’re basically back to nothin’ again … well, ’tis pretty much the case for me anyway. Friends, meaningful connections – establishing/making that … yeah, still a friggin’ helluva time managing to get any of that to happen. Hmmmm, shouldn’t need major stresses like someone pointing a gun at my head or the like to induce enough stress to make some social bonding possible, and certainly shouldn’t have stresses like that multiple times per day to be able to keep up such social bonding capabilities. Dang, so, … how do I get it to work better, … much better. Is it so dang difficult for everyone else? Well, no, … the evidence clearly points that I’m quite the minority on that one. About one new good friend per dozen years? Even less frequent for anything approaching the possibility of a decent relationship? Yeah, I need to do a lot better at that. Already 50 years old, still alone, … way too damn painfully alone, and, … at that rate, I’ll be dead long before I’m anything close to married.

So, … connections, friendship (or more) and attempts thereof, how goes all that for me, and more recently? Bleh. I think I’d have to give that a rating of about crud – and “of course”, mostly put that upon myself. It’s not like I don’t try – certainly do, but results? About zilch, … still. And, sometimes too, I try less, or don’t try. The highly constant stream of nothing but disappointments, never any real connection, … not even a decent bit of “traction”, well, that just really friggin’ hurts a whole bloody hell of a lot. Damn painful. So, … sometimes I try a lot less. E.g. commuter train – BART – why the f*ck even try? Did the stats before, but really – add up all the time over the decades, commuting on BART, and all the trying, and, really quite zero results with … well, hundreds, if not thousands of contacts, whole helluva lot of attempts, I think it literally adds up to months or more of contiguous time if it was stretched out end to end, and … nothin’ … really quite absolutely nothing. So, … why even try there? So, … yeah, don’t think I’ve even tried there, in the slightest, … in months or more. Find someone I might be interested in talking to or approaching? I just don’t bother. Why try, just to be disappointed yet a friggin’ ‘gain. So I don’t. Ignore the possibility. Or try and turn it into a nice fantasy – “ah, yes, could be wondeful connection, … if I actually approached the person or said ‘hi’ or responded” – yep, can hang onto that fantasy if I don’t actually try, … if I actually try – end of fantasy, and it ain’t happenin’ anyway – no connection, no nothin’, no real possibility, … and … much less painful without the disappointment yet again. And, who the hell am I kidding. Pretty much anything anywhere else is about the same. Okay, so maybe I haven’t given up trying entirely, but geez, really, what’s the point? I mean there is supposed to be a point, right? F*ck.

And, as humans, we get to also be a set of walking inconsistent contradictions. A lot of the time I wish I didn’t need or want anyone at all – any people, any humans whatsoever, and that I felt absolutely nothing at all. Really, I do. Would be a lot less painful. Sometimes I even try and do that … but doesn’t work … at least not for long, anyway. Buggers. I’m a friggin’ human after all. Cr*p. So, yeah, I kind’a … well, not exactly “bounce”, but more like move and sway between those relative extremes … though not really all that much motion – not all that big a range. Going from not trying at all on the social connections and attempting to ignore and feel nothing – and sure as hell wishing I felt exactly and only nothing … to … well, at least trying somewhat here ‘n there – sometimes even trying a whole heck of a lot, and even being and trying to be quite positive and optimistic about it. And, … yeah, failing each and every time, over and over again. F*ck. Yeah it sucks. Ugh. So, yeah, on the “connection” stuff, that’s still around the crud range – maybe that’s all it’ll ever be … hell, … probably that’s what it’s generally been most all my life, with sometimes some exceptions here ‘n there, but mostly crud … and the exceptions only being after I somehow managed to make that connection, … don’t know that I’ve ever been better (or will ever be better?) at managing to make those connections – most notably getting them well started in the first place. Seem to do fairly well at it once they’re well established, … but alas, far far far too rare that I ever manage to make it to that point. <sigh>

Economics of scarcity? Things are more sought after and perceived as more valuable when they’re harder to get or there’s fewer of them. Uhm, yeah, weird, but that’s how it tends to work. It’s cr*p, but it’s also reality. Somehow, though, I don’t think (further) burying myself in my “cave” and being yet more of a hermit would cause a bunch of potential dates of interest to me to come beating a path to my door. And I refuse to be the jerk that one has to “win over” to gain the attentions of and/or respect of. Just not me, and I refuse to play that “game”. I’m a nice guy, I’m not a jerk – and not gonna play one or act like one, and certainly not gonna be one. I dunno. Maybe I try too hard? Things are often not appreciated/valued so much if they’re easy or readily available. For friends and those I care about – heck, even somewhat more generally than that – I’m willing to do a lot, I offer a lot, do a lot, etc. Maybe that comes off as “desperate” or “suspicious” or something like that. I don’t know. I’ve really about zero clue on most all this. I’m certainly not a mind reader. And, even, for the most part, not good at reading people, so, to large extent, no idea whatsoever what they’re thinking or feeling – so I’ve quite no idea, and really quite can’t tell what works, what doesn’t, what works, better or worse, or makes really much of any difference whatsoever. Maybe that’s huge chunk of why I’m so horribly lost on this social stuff. I’ve got no friggin’ clue, and can’t figure it out. Yeah, and nobody’s exactly telling me, either. Yep, I’m screwed … figuratively.

Another random bit. Venue. Large TV screens. Mostly sports stuff (and the inevitable commercials) on the screens, TVs blaring loud. Pizza, beer, stuff like that, crowd even louder than the blaring TVs. I really just don’t get it. Most – if not all – folks there, quite seemed to be having a good time. Absolutely definitely not my scene. Zilch interest in watching sports (with quite negligible exceptions), zero interest in hanging around with crowds and people cheering and whooping and hollering about stuff I just don’t care about at all, zero interest in beer, damn friggin’ loud environment, about impossible to have a conversation – almost have to holler just to be heard. Yet folks seem to be enjoying it. Egad. I don’t get it. Not for me, not enjoyable at all – mostly just a big nuisance. Yeck. How many more days ’till football season is over? Crud.

And, to attempt to end on slightly more positive note? Yeah, (mostly) above crud, maybe even approaching okay(ish). Been doing more of filling time. For the most part not a damn thing I enjoy nor anything to look forward to … at all really. Just been doing some more of keepin’ busy, doing “stuff” – mostly nothing I care about – really don’t have much of anything I care about. So, anyway, with more busy, the time passes a bit less painfully. So, … a step (or half-step … quarter step at least?) above crud.

Buggers, all that typing, and I’ve not said much new, huh? Rats. Oh well, hey, above crud – that’s somethin’, anyway.

random

various random bits, perhaps semi-topical (or semi-current, or just on/to mind relatively recently)

‘Cause someone asked “What is the biggest age gap you have had in a relationship?” Perhaps I “answered” too much. :-/

I was 24, she 37; she 21, I 28.  Not just years, but think percent or ratio, e.g. she more than 50% older, and I about 1/3 older.  So I lost my virginity at 24 to a 37 year old.  And for only that one rather brief span in my life – about 6 weeks – was I ever having sex with a woman in her 20s – just that one partner – and never a sexual partner that was younger than 21 – ever.  And since that very first relationship, if one adds up all the spans of time I’ve been in sexual relationship with someone, it doesn’t even total up to 5 months.  And, in the last about 15 years, been in such a relationship only a span of 3 weeks.  And I’m already past 50.  Damn life sucks.  Hope yours is going better than mine.

Perhaps I should’ve footnoted it to define “sexual relationship”, in that context, as actually having intercourse … not that that distinction would changes the picture a whole helluva lot.

“Wrong, Do it again!” – from Pink Floyd’s “The Wall”.  Not sure exactly why, but quite jumped to mind fairly recently and seems rather stuck in my head at least presently.  Don’t know if it is/feels like it’s “me” saying that to me, or “everybody else” (or both) – but in any case, sure as hell very much feels like that.  The social thing.  Yeah, obviously, I must have that very wrong – ’cause it’s so highly not working for me – over and over again.  So, it’s like – at least a lot of – no, don’t stop, don’t give up, but rather – mostly, lots of “Wrong, Do it again!”.  Feels like a damn torture – well, maybe not necessarily quite as much a torture in-the-moment, but certainly in cumulative effect (or affect, whatever) – damn friggin’ hurts like hell, and, … keep – at least mostly – tossing myself back into it – at least some fair bit, and obviously since it keeps not working, I must be doing it Wrong, so … keep repeating again – Do it again!  Ugh.  In-the-moment … and how’s that generally feel – social ‘n all that for me.  Eh, … rather like I could take it or leave it – at least most of the time.  Some of it moderately to fair bit positive, much of it too, feels quite the opposite.  Often not particularly predictable – often highly unpredictable – how things will go – and/or even how I’ll feel about it.  So, … really don’t know (much, if at all) ahead of time – at least in most cases.  So, … it’s like, even just “in the moment” – do I enjoy it or not?  Don’t much particularly care either way – for the most part makes so damn little different I really don’t much care either way.  Yeah, sure, if I spend (way) too much time isolated/isolating, I’ll miss that “contact” – though contact is relative misnomer.  Often it’s more of just being around people, with only zero to negligible contact.  And too, sometimes, if I do quite a bit of contact, frequently, even or often at length, etc., put much effort into it … and “of course” (? – but why?) still get zero results – or damn nearly so – that’s … well, besides being rather “torture” in cumulative effect (or affect) – well, it just ends up not only highly exhausting after a while, but really draining and frankly quite depressing.  If/when it gets to the point where my attitude rather to quite totally sucks, and I can’t even muster up or fake some reasonable degree of positivity, then it’s time to pull back and not try so damn hard – or perhaps even hardly at all – at least for a while.  ‘Cause, when my attitude gets that sucky, and I’m that run down by it, well, can pretty much only be counterproductive to still keep pushing myself on it then when I feel that horrible about it, in it, through it, and in every attempt I so much as make at it.  So yeah, sure, sometimes I pull back fair bit – even a lot – give myself a “break” from it.

TV?  Most television programming sucks.  Most of my adult life, I’ve typically not watched, or only quite rarely watched TV.  In about the last nearly 15 years where I now live, I switched on an actual television (picked up a quite small one for free that someone was getting rid of) only once – flipped through all the available channels (and many of them available where I am) – utter cr*p – nothin’ worth watching, turned it off, haven’t looked back.  That’s mostly been the case for me for many decades now.  I used to – as hobby – pick up, for free, non-working television sets and repair them(did that all the way back into my teens).  But after repairing them, all the intellectual challenge was completely and totally gone – as there was nothing worth watching – so what was I gonna do with a working TV set?  Anyway, fastforward in time – cable TV and all that – hundred(s) or so channels.  Yeah, still pretty close to nothing worth watching (I’ve never had a cable TV subscription).  Forward bit more in time – not only The Internet, but lots of video content available, and the vast majority of it available for free, or effectively so.  So now instead of like hundred(s) of channels, … more like hundreds of thousands or more.  And mostly not “broadcast” or real-time, but stored, so one can watch them at one’s leisure.  Yeah, still not much worth watching … but … out of the hundreds of thousands or more – including also much of what’s been broadcast before, … some things rather to quite worth watching … but still not all that much.  So I watch a few TV shows (more-or-less) and/or other (semi-)regular video programming/content.  But not much.  Of the current stuff, there are only two currently running programs I quite like (for certain definitions of “currently running”).  Doctor Who, and The Americans.  There’s also some bits of other semi-random stuff I watch – or at least sometimes watch – my “guilty pleasures” – but most or all of those I don’t much care about, and often don’t watch at all, or quite postpone (perhaps indefinitely) watching them.  Not gonna bother to explain – at least here ‘n now – why I like those two programs.  Anyway, among other things, I do quite like some of the bits of quotes and (more-or-less) “wisdom” in Doctor Who – not that (hardly?) any of it is “news” to me, at all, but, is often well said, and sometimes also more-or-less shown.  The Americans – one of the bits I rather like in it, is some of the music.  It’s got some faux period music in it (or maybe bits so obscure I don’t recall them at all?), but also some actual music from in/around the period it’s set in.  And sometimes used quite well.  One that keeps coming to mind, but that they’ve not yet used, is “Russians” – by Sting.  And one they used quite recently – I think it was season finale – “Games Without Frontiers” – Peter Gabriel.

Music … & loss.  Music can be rather to very good for me.  I don’t indulge nearly as much as I probably ought, some of those reasons probably “historical” and various life things that have happened along the way.  Back in my teens, and even earlier, sure, quite an interest and liking of music – especially lots of popular tunes and the like.  But did I buy albums?  No.  I was mostly on the “starving student” budget – typically taped stuff off the radio.  Never owned that many albums (or commercially produced tapes).  I remember back in college, there were folks there that had music collections – most notably album collections, that I was quite envious of.  I really just didn’t have the funds for it – I could scarceely afford college at it was (and that was a stretch!) – though too, others had it even harder financially (and/or otherwise) than I.  But music was a luxury I really just couldn’t afford – certainly not anywhere near as I wished, anyway.  And – really haven’t mentioned it to many – mostly just too damn painful and prefer to forget – but in 2000, major burglary, my entire audio collection was stolen (along with about 20% of every possession I had – of negligible value to anyone else or “street value” – but it was very valuable stuff to me … gone forever, never to be seen again.  I figure about 5 man-years of stuff, gone forever – and not stuff I could, for the most part, ever go out and just buy.  Stuff I created, wrote, assembled, collected, things given or handed down to me – not valuable to anyone else, but regardless, valuable to me, and irreplaceable).  So, all my recorded audio was stolen – albums, tapes, CDs – even audio tape “letters” exchanged with friend – who died before 2000, auido tape recordings of family members already deceased by then – all of my grandparents, at least one of my great-grantparents, and some other relatives long since gone, recordings of me and my sister as quite young kids, audio recordings from my cave explorations, stuff taped off the radio, much, etc.  Wasn’t a huge music collection, but it was all I had – my entire audio collection.  I haven’t even attempted to replace it.  So, yeah, music – generally good for me.  Most notably, it tends to make me feel something.  Not necessarily better, though sometimes so.  Mostly just tends to enhance or build a mood … whatever that mood might happen to be … or … sometimes shift it a bit, but mostly just tends to kind’a amplify what’s already there.  And, even when the mood is crud, and the music rather to quite dark or “negative” or the like, it’s still mostly a good thing … most of the time.  Even on the negative, … it tends to help kind’a work/feel it through … rather than more so just kind’a leaving it festering and lingering.  Yet at the same time too – though I try to forget, it’s also often hard.  That burglary – whole helluva lot of loss there.  And not a damn thing I can do about it.  So, yeah, sometimes, in many cases, music also reminds me of that loss.  And that may be a reason why still, to this day, I don’t listen to as much music as I might otherwise.  Certainly do sometimes, … but not a lot, and far from constant, or even as frequently as daily – even a bit.  Some music I hear – perhaps the song, or just where my head is at when and as I hear it, quite reminds me of that loss – and it hurts a lot more … or I just turn the music off, and try to ignore and forget.

Attitude.  My attitude has been pretty sucky.  Are we surprised?  Yeah, I know.  It should be better … much better.  Not exactly super-easy to fix.  I certainly wish it was much better.  Mood generally been quite sucky, and that tends to quite bring the attitude down with it.  Often very much so.

Advice.  Much easier dispensed than followed, eh?  Yeah, I can quite say that of my own good/excellent advice – even if I mostly follow quite a bit of it.  Certainly also fail to follow significant bit of it too.  And lots of advice from others to me – various persons, sources, etc.  And – rather like much of what’s on The Internet – some of it good/excellent, some of it cr*p, and … whole lot in the middle, mostly fairish – may be highly redundant of what I already know and tell myself, or might be “good”, but just not at all relevant – e.g. doesn’t at all usefully apply to me, my situation, country/culture I’m in, species I happen to be and planet I reside on, etc.  But, I should better appreciate the advice I receive, and make better use of it!  Sure,”of course”, some of it will be “wrong” or not fit, much of it may not be particularly useful or feasible to implement or may not do what I (or anyone else) want done.  But regardless, there’s probably, oh, guestimating, somewhere between 5 and 20% of the “advice” received (and/or that I run across, etc.), that is good to excellent advice, and also useful, fitting, suitable to me and my situation, feasible to implement (or at least sure as heck try), etc., etc.  Yeah.  Attitude.  Need to fix that.  Really hard to see and spot the best bits of such advice when the attitude (and mood) sucks.  It all seems so dark, impossible, infeasible, “can’t work”, blah, blah, blah (excuses, excuses, find a “fault” in all of it), when, in “reality” … well, it’s probably quite a bit better and more fitting, useful, and helpful than it would seem or appear or feel to be.  And should well appreciate such advice.  (I do, but may often fail to show, or adequately show that).  And, the especially challenging part – despite the sucky mood and attitude, should be able to pick out the best most useful bits, and apply them.  But damn, it’s hard to recognize which bits are those, among all the advice, when mood/attitude is doing so poorly.  But, it is in there somewhere!  And (un)fortunately, who best to know which bits actually do and would work for me, vs. which, wouldn’t, or not so well – why me, of course!  Hmmmmmmm… bit of a Catch-22.  Now, of course, someone that knew me highly to exceedingly well, might be able to pick out and emphasize those particularly most fitting and useful bits for me – even if I couldn’t for myself.  Ah, yeah, if only someone actually knew me that well and was quite inclined to do so … though anything at least slightly or more in that direction, is at least some bit of a positive.

Attitude, attitude.  Sometimes quite/too negative.  Gotta watch myself on that, as it can be a bad thing.  E.g. this (well, yesterday, as it’s 1:45 A.M. as I’m typing this) morning … yeah, shouldn’t ‘a been thinkin’ so much about the dad/father thing, but found myself thinking – not that I’d actually do it, but … of, like getting a T-shirt printed up, and printed large and bold on it (slightly censored version here):
YOUR DAD IS A
MOTHER F*CKER!
Uhm … yeah, quite the provocateur that would be, eh?  But I also found myself slighty bemused that, despite its great offensiveness, technically it’s literally and universally true (well, at least given certain interpretation).  But probably not the technical point to try and make after someone knocks my teeth out for wearing such a T-shirt.
So, yeah, also bad attitude – or most especially mood, and particularly combined with distraction – or more exactly just not paying attention, that can potentially be hazardous to gravely dangerous.  E.g. traffic.  Signal says “walk”, step off curb and walk – BZZZZT – wrong answer.  Just ’cause the signal says walk, doesn’t mean the two vehicles still barreling through the intersection at high speed, and the third one about to blow the red light and chase ’em on through the intersection give a sh*t about the walk signal I’ve got or are at all inclined to hit the brakes should a pedestrian step in front of them – after all, they’re pushing the gas to try and beat the light … if they’re even so much as paying attention to it.  So, yeah, catching myself with highly sucky mood, not paying attention, and stepping or nearly stepping in front of such traffic – despite whatever the damn signal happens to also tell the idiot drivers out there – not a good thing; shouldn’t be making, or nearly making that mistake.  And, “I don’t care”, or “I don’t care, at least I’d feel something.” – yeah, wrong attitude.  Being smashed by traffic is definitely a feeling I could quite do without.  So, yeah, gotta try ‘n keep that attitude in check.  Feeling like crud is one thing, but no use also being stupid about it.

This blog posting is getting too damn long – and I’ve only covered very roughly about half – if that, of what I’ve in mind to address.  Guess I’ll cover more of it later … if ever?  But one more bit before I “wrap” this one up.

“Do something”.  Yeah, do something … almost anything!  Much … well, at least significantly better than “nothing at all”, or merely filling in time.  And the social stuff, pretty close to tortuous.  Not that I’m necessarily or exactly giving up on that, but … really do need more to do than mostly just feeling like I’m beating my head against the wall over and over again.  So, … stick my head into something else.  Something I enjoy?  Yeah, right … got fair bit of a problem with that lately.  So, well, screw that, come up with an action plan and do something anyway.  So, … got more technical stuff to bury my head into.  Do I like it?  Well, my mood’s been crud lately, so, haven’t really been enjoying hardly anything at all.  So, not like I dislike it, but no, not “enjoyment”.  But what the hell, something to do, anyway, and something other than torturing myself with trying at social stuff.  Just bury my head and attentions in some technical stuff.  Master yet another technical skill – whatever, I do that dang well.  Not that it exactly makes me “happy”, but hey, at least it’s something I can not only do and do well, but rather to exceedingly well – beat the hell out’a failing over and over and over and over and over and over and over again – despite whole helluva lot of effort to try and succeed.  So, … more focus on sh*t I can and do actually do dang well.  Whatever, maybe it’ll earn me yet more money (though that’s not an issue) and I could potentially retire even sooner – if I want … though to do what in retirement, who the hell knows – other than “not working”, can’t say I’ve really got much of anything yet that I’m looking forward to in retirement.  Yeah, would be nice to have some dreams, fantasies, etc.  My “fantasies” have been degraded to pretty dang minimal stuff (like maybe even having bit of a nice conversation?  Or maybe like more than a hug or two or three a year – if that?) – pro’lly ’cause those seem more probable to be attainable.  Stuff like “wonderful relationship, get engaged, married, live happily ever after” … yeah, not even hangin’ out in my fantasies or even dreams in more recent months/year(s) … just seems way too damn improbable – if not “impossible”.  Damn, there’s that messed up attitude (and mood) rearin’ its ugly head again – or consequence thereof.  Anyway “do something” – so I can – at least also, do some more burying my head into yet more technical stuff.  Whatever, at least it’s “something”, a helluva lot less painful than the social sh*t, and … dang, I’m even rather to quite good at it – even if I’m not exactly able to presently enjoy it.  Whatever, at least it’s something.

More (mostly cr*p) later.  Yeah, about 4 hours to write and edit this blog entry – and at that a relatively piss poor job of it.  Now, if I put about 16 hours into it, … it would be, … well, … fairly decent or so, but still not all that great.  Of course that’s only about half the material I’d want to cover for a single day.  Sure, … just need 32 hours a day to cover the blog bits – and written well, then another 24 for life or whatever, … Yeah, not really so much blogging ’cause I “want” to (do I even really want to at all?), or even ought to … really mostly just need to – nowhere else to go with it – no conversation to be had or the like.  And so it goes.