Social outings and all that – “putting” myself “out there”

[and about 21 hours, making some edits – mostly or entirely just additions, ’cause I screwed it up significantly the first time; edits mostly or entirely within “square brackets” ([])]

So, “social outings”.  Putting myself “out there”, and all that.  How goes all that, or much more specifically, how goes that for me?  Not sure why, but still keep trying, putting – and pushing – myself out there.  Not sure why, though, or if I ought to.  Maybe it’s mostly or entirely (or nearly so) a waste?  After all, the net results, despite whole lot of repeated efforts, are about nil.  Now, that might be fine and dandy – or at least relatively okay, if this was stuff I rather to quite liked going out and doing.  But for the most part, … eh, … could take it or leave it.  Can’t say I enjoy it – certainly not much, if at all.  Can’t say its exactly horrific either.  I guess the actual doing it / going through it feels … I dunno, relatively neutral anyway?  Or approximately so.  Not much at all of a plus – or minis – at least for the most part.  But the part that does feel like a major negative – and highly so – is the so oft repeating, and so often with so much effort, and zero, or damn near zero results of any use or benefit from it – well, certainly not to my benefit anyway – at least that I can tell, detect, or most notably feel.  So, yeah, that part of it not only highly sucks, but friggin’ hurts.  Sort’a feels like I’m slamming my head into a wall over and over and over again, … just to go out and repeat and do it yet again, and again, and again.  Sort’a a form of long, slow, drawn-out torture.  Bleh.

If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.  Well, it’s obviously quite broken.  So, … needs fixin’.  But damned if I know why it doesn’t work or how the hell to fix it.  And, without knowing that, really does highly feel like just slamming my head into a wall over, and over, and over again.  Quite sucks that.

Try harder at some stuff, less hard at others?  Perhaps.  Some stuff seems absurdly improbable to be useful.  E.g. “nice friendly conversation with random stranger on commute train”.  Seems highly pointless.  Given the decades I’ve had such commutes, all the hours on such trains, all the conversations and attempts thereof, and really about zilch in meaningful connections from it – seems highly like quite the utter waste.  So, yeah, probably last several months or so I haven’t even so much as attempted that – really haven’t so much as tried to even start a conversation.  Like actually have a conversation with a stranger on ‘commute’ train (even if it’s not commute hours or whatever).  Seems damn pointless.  What’s the point?  Get my hopes up maybe, just to get ’em smashed again and again and again – not worth it.  Has never really gone anywhere for me.  Let’s see, add up the years and time commuting on such trains … yeah, estimating and adding it up, about 4,300 hours, and about zilch results – not a “date”, not a phone number not a last name or an email address [not a physical address, I don’t think so much as even a business card – save possibly ‘work only’ contact information, and if I got any contact information, never a response; provided my contact information many many many a time, and how many contacted me? … zilch – absolutely zero] – not a friend … damn friggin’ close to absolutely nothing.  No real ‘connection’ there.  So why the hell bother?  Well, certainly not for me anyway, quite “obviously” does me no particular good or use at all.  4,300 hours – that’d be like half a year … of non-stop 24×7 continuous marathon trying to make some meaningful connection and … nothing – zilch to show for it.  Imagine, over a [half] year, up, solid, marathon, surrounded by people all that time, trying to make some meaningful connection – and absolutely nothing from all that time, work, energy, resource, attempts, etc.  Quite sucks.  [Similarly, imagine more than an entire half of a year, non-stop marathon, at some “party” type even where you’re hoping and trying to meet people, and, about every 20 to 60 minutes, most all the people get changed out, though some repeat with greater frequency than others, and some don’t repeat at all – never know exactly what’s next.  Well, maybe not exactly like a “party”, but sometimes the atmosphere is very social and friendly – like mid-evening heading out from San Francisco to East Bay – most have been out to, e.g. play, performance, dinner with friends or coworkers, or drinks with coworkers after work, or some such.  Other times not as social.  Like the very first commute train of the morning.  It’s rather like The Body Snatchers – “them” – looking rather zoned out, kind’a trance-like, going through the motions, obviously not thrilled to be gong to work – and barely awake – if that.  And, my gosh, were I to speak then?  Yeah, I could imagine ghastly eerie hissing squealchy breathy sounds coming from them as I dare make a sound and disturb the regularity of the noises of the commute train and its entranced zombie-like ridership, by breaking those sounds with something as distinct as a human voice.  And they’d rise up, arms outstretched, and start walking and stumbling towards me, while still making those terrifyingly inhuman sounds.  Fortunately most all hours on the train, though, aren’t that bad.  But definitely depends – upon time, day, where the train is, where it’s going, etc.  E.g. folks are generally a lot more unhappy and quiet in the morning heading to work, compared to returning from work in the evening.  And right around the end of the workday for many – like 4pm or 5pm – whole lot of folks rather grumpily/madly rushing to get home – though they seem in slightly better mood than going in – at least they’re looking forward to getting home.  And even some modest bit later, not nearly so bad – folks relatively happy to be heading home – and seemingly much more relaxed about it.  So, rather kind’a like a party, … but not.  Maybe more like some professional or semi-professional get together.  Where one hardly knows anyone there, but you all sort’a kind have at least some slight bit in common – though not necessarily much at all.  And, … it’s like the time between sessions – when you’re standing (or sometimes sitting) around … waiting for something to happen or what’s next – but in the meantime, there’s some time.  Anyway, 4,300 hours is whole lot of hours for essentially zero results despite a whole helluva lot of trying.  That would be like two years of full-time work.  So …] Perhaps long past time to give up on that one?  Then again, not like anything else has been whole helluva lot better.  But I digress.

So, yeah, “it” aint’ working – quite obviously so.  And don’t know how to fix it.  And the “experts” don’t seem to have particularly helped, either – at least thus far.  FML

So, yes, I keep finding myself yet again – “why  bother?” – seems to have mostly been a miserable failure.  Really, quite.  Most all social gatherings/outings.  Damn hard to think of any exception(s).  Where have I made meaningful connection?  Meet someone on-line first, get to know them at least moderately, if not quite well there, and them me, then meet in person.  That’s gone quite well … well, at least when that happens.  Unfortunately most of the time it burns a whole lot of time/resource/energy/attention on-line, and hardly ends up ever meeting anyone – and even then, vast majority of those meetings end up going nowhere fast – just doesn’t work … but … fortunately, there are the (far too) rare exceptions that do actually work.  Just so damn long and hard to get to there.  E.g. make like one good friend per decade that way … actually not even quite that high a rate.  And really, that’s I think essentially where all my good friends have come from … well, going back to at least 1990 anyway.  Damn I wish I knew the answers.  Why the hell does it it just not work for me?  What am I doing “wrong”?  [Bit spoken lyric from Pink Floyd’s “The Wall” quite comes to mind:”Wrong, Do it again!”] Why does no one even tell me at all or point it out or hint at it?  [What am I doing wrong?]  Crud.  I’ve really no idea.

Well, more than enough said for now.  Can’t think of anything to add that’s not quite redundant with what I’ve ‘said'(/blogged/etc.) before.

[1]And thus endeth another weekend. With some slight exception, really had nothing to look forward to at all – for the whole week past, weekend, upcoming week, etc., etc.  Man that sucks.  Such is my life presently.  I need stuff/person(s) to actually care about – stuff I want to do, stuff to look forward to.  Have precious little of that – way too little.  But I guess that’s a hair better than exactly none.  Would be nice to be cared for/about too – not entirely absent, but, definitely also majorly lacking there too.  And so it goes.

“And when someone asks you how you are, you say ‘Fine, thanks, how are you?'” – I hate that sh*t – why do parents ‘train’ their kids to do that?  How ’bout the truth.  Becomes quite the instinctual habit – far too often I catch myself doing that, stating or implying that I’m fine or ‘good’ or the like when … yeah, more like ‘hangin’ in there’ to ‘crud’ or so would be more accurate.  Ugh.  E.g. Monday, coworker asked how my weekend was, and I instinctively snapped something like, “Good, and yours?”  It was not good, it was not fine.  It was … more like marginally tolerable – at best – last weekend, anyway.  This past weekend, maybe a hair better than that, but not by much.

[[1] And in retrospect – like by about later that morning, after having written it much earlier that morning, and too late to have time to “fix” it, before running off to work, I quite realized that I majorly screwed up that – well, if not paragraph, at least major portions thereof – rather egregious error – or set of errors.  Needs some ‘splainin’ – but rather than rewrite that paragraph, or footnote it to death (my initial inclinations), rather I’ll leave it stand as written, but, sort of “footnote” that whole paragraph as a whole and explain and correct and clarify.  “Slight exception” – an unfair characterization.  At least one good, noteworthy exception, but perhaps I quite downplay it – and did so when I wrote that, for various reasons (with, and without, merit).  What I had in mind when I wrote that, was bit of visit with a good friend.  Nothing “slight” about that; exceptional, yes; though also very much limited/limiting too – and no, I ain’t gonna explain that.  So, very good to have that visit, and time, even if relatively short, and a whole lot of interaction and communication just can’t happen there (not gonna explain that) and wasn’t even much time/opportunity for it anyway.  So, unfair and inaccurate characterization, and potentially egregiously so, particularly as said friend does also read my blogs, and may have thought, guessed, or suspected that might’ve been what I was referring to.  So, yes, very sorry that I wrote it like that – at least as it first came out.  Look forward to?  Yes, quite looked forward to that.  But, also – I guess psychological survival – at least in my head, I also effectively “downplay” that a lot – try not too look forward to it too much – or really a whole heck of a lot at all – though I can’t help but significantly look forward to it.  Psychological survival?  Not anyone’s fault, but there’s a rather high element of unpredictability and notably effective and/or actual unavailability.  So, yeah, I don’t want to get my hopes up – especially way up, when there’s significant probability things might need to be changed or cancelled, and quite no idea how long it might be ’till we might possibly be able to meet again – and such could happen again.  So, … try to just “take it as it is” and not pin my hopes on something that just well may not occur and I’ve got about zero control over.  (Yes I’m being kind’a vague, no I ain’t gonna explain.)  And, persons/stuff to care about – yeah, do quite have that at least with said friend – do quite care about friend – very much so.  But – (lacking) stuff to look forward to, precious little – relatively accurate characterizations.  Precious?  Yes.  Little?  Think of flow.  Thinking of wanting – at least ideally – flow of communication … like … and unrestricted fire hose.  Then think instead of chilled molasses through a cocktail straw.  Yeah, analogies generally suck, but for lack of better one?  Anyway, something very roughly like that – very precious, and one frickin’ whole helluva lot better than precisely and absolutely nothing, but, at the same time, effectively verylimited/constrained.  And more than a “hair better” than exactly none.   Quite significant, let at the same time highly limited/constrained.  And, not (me) uncared for either, that’s there too, said friend certainly quite cares for/about me.  But again, too, if nothing else, in many practical ways, that’s rather to quite highly limited.  So, damn fine friend ‘n all that, but at the same time, major limitations between us.  And too, in my mood being rather/quite sucky and down, that tends to make everything feel/seem like less – so that probably also causes me to underemphasize where I ought emphasize more.  Hopefully I’ve not said “too much”, but hopefully that reasonably corrects – and better explains.]

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2 Responses to “Social outings and all that – “putting” myself “out there””

  1. janeykate Says:

    This makes quite painful reading, I so feel for you. I hope you meet someone special soon. The world can feel a pretty lonely place, even when you are surrounded by people.
    Jane x

    • MichaelBerkeley Says:

      Thanks, appreciated. I also kind’a screwed up this blog posting. Made some edits to hopefully “fix” that – though it doesn’t exactly radically change it. Ah, someone special. Heck, I’d settle for someone who’s decent and likes me and I them and we can actually quite communicate and don’t live a bazillion miles away from each other. I mean, after all, there’s almost certainly well over a million people that live within 10 miles of me. Ought to be able to find *someone*. Yeah, … good friend I can quite communicate with would be quite excellent. In the meantime, I’ll take what I can get.

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