Archive for July, 2013

Aw crud … :-/

2013-07-30 06:14:48 PDT

Aw crud … buggers, … blah, … whatever.

So, … had a bit ‘o momentum – “threw” myself at/into some technical stuff. Whatever, challenge myself a bit, keep myself busy, throw on some pressure and challenge, blah, blah. Did that okay … quite well enough, maybe even darn well or “great” … well, maybe not for me, but certainly accomplished the tasks quite well enough. Enjoyed it? Eh, no, not really. More like it just filled in the time slightly less painfully. :-/ And it was kind’a exhausting/stressful – and not exactly in a particularly good way – not horrible, but … whatever.

So, … “recovered” from that – that was about week and a half ago plus, … or so, give or take a bit. Momentum? Naw. Never got that “into” it. Tried, but just not enjoying it, … or really much of anything. Buggers that. Social? Eh, even done fair bit ‘o “social” interactive stuff. Any of it that I enjoyed? Hardly. Not that it was “horrible”, but much/most of it seems scarcely worth the time and effort … if at all. When I think how many meetings/events ‘n such, how much time at them, preparing, going, returning, and what percentage of the time I actually enjoyed there more than if I’d not even gone at all, … far too little of it – maybe like about 15% or less, … 20% if I was gonna be quite optimistic. Most ‘o the rest, well, pro’lly ’bout 50% or more, could take it or leave it … not really better or worse than not going at all, and, … well, that leaves about 30% or so, right? Yeah, well, maybe more like 25% or so, really just seemed/felt quite *not* worth it at all and would’a preferred to have not gone or been there at all. So, yeah, too, hard to be motivated to work on the social when it’s at most barely/marginally pleasant. Ugh. Yeah, sure, some bits are good – even *quite* good … but … far too much the exception more so than the rule. And, worth it for those exceptions? The exceptions are pretty independent and unrelated, so, mostly “all that other stuff” – really quite not worth it – or so it seems. But, … drop “all that other stuff”, and I’d have about zero social – at all – period. But I digress.

Sleep, stress, blah, blah. Ain’t been sleeping so well – but much more a symptom, than a cause. “Of course” I sleep pretty oddly to start with, but more recently, the sleeping has been even worse and more atypical than my “usual”. E.g. *early* Sunday, I wake up from a crud dream … of … yeah, was dreaming that I was late for something at work on *Monday*. Ugh, what a crap dream for wee hours of Sunday morning. Well, maybe slept “too much” over fair bit of the weekend, but … into Monday – yeah, slept very little. Went to sleep around 10pm Sunday evening, woke up a bit after 1am Monday morning. So, about 3 hours sleep, give or take a bit (though I’d gotten more sometime earlier on Sunday … I think – whatever). Crud. Didn’t really feel like going back to sleep at all … nor did I feel like staying up – nothin’ I wanted to do – so I filled the time anyway. Whatever. Well, same sh*t again tonight … went to sleep around 10pm Monday, woke up bit before 1am this Tuesday morning – today. And again, didn’t feel like going back to sleep – not really tired/sleepy … nor was there anything I wanted to do or stay up for, either, … whatever, … filled the time. But that’s a more atypical pattern for me, and not a good one. Stress … and no, not from the lack of sleep, … more like the other way around. Feel rather like crud, and that rather mucks with the sleep patterns. Ugh.

Too much “I don’t wanna“. Gotta try and avoid slipping more back into that. But really, there isn’t sh*t I want to do or hardly anything I’m enjoying or that I look forward to (or can?), and that highly sucks. Don’t wanna sleep, don’t want to stay asleep, don’t want to be awake, don’t want to do anything – nothing I want to do – don’t want to go to work, don’t care, drag myself to work, do good effective competent job ‘n all that, but I don’t particularly care, don’t exactly enjoy it – though fills the time less painfully perhaps than not, … toss myself into work often too long – bad habit to get into – particularly when current work situation gives me essentially no additional benefits out of that – don’t get more pay, promotion(s), better reviews/recognition … nothin’ like that. Do my 8 hours, it’s fine. Today, … put in bit over 10 … again, gets me nothin’ extra. Why? Somethin’ to do … and nothin’ to look forward to in coming home – so I put it off … worked longer. My commute is moderate bit under an hour, … did I come right home after work? Naw, … putzed about, put it off, eventually dragged myself home – shoved some food in my face before making the trek back home – nothin’ exciting, … something to do, fill time, and I ought eat somewhat better – was okay, but certainly nothin’ exciting. Then dragged myself home. And fill time ’till sleep, … then wake, … then fill more time, … then – comin’ up soon, get ready for and head off to work. Fill time ‘n get paid for it at work – at least 8 hours paid for, anyway … after that, nothin’ to look forward to on being off work ‘n comin’ home. Okay, nothin’ really to look forward to at work either. Uh, yeah, okay, sucks, nothin’ to look forward to period. Crap. Sucks.

Relationship(s)? Friend(s)? Far too little ‘o that, … and pretty dismal prospects. I often wish I had no feelings at all. Would be quite easier. Don’t know if it’s cultural/societal, or inate … or both, but would be hella lot easier if I had zero interest in having any kind’a connection with anybody ever for anything. But alas, I’m human, geez, I wanna connect. But for me seems friggin’ near impossible. Why? Why the hell do I care and want to? Can’t I just be a recluse/hermit forever, and never at all be bothered in having absolutely no one in my life at all? Yeah, rather wish that’d work for me, but doesn’t seem to. At least for me, highly sucks being so damn bloody alone for so friggin’ damn long, so consistently, and with shit for prospects.

“Fine thanks, how are you?” Yeah, right.

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Yet another random test: BEM SEX ROLE INVENTORY

2013-07-28 11:29:21 PDT

Yet another random test: “You scored 48.333 out of 100 masculine points, 61.667 out of 100 feminine points, and 51.667 out of 100 androgynous (neutral) points.”