Action Plan (?) … and other stuff

So, … been thinking about it a fair while.  Mostly starting around roughly a week or so ago – around, and a bit before when I posted I don’t wanna.

Rather need an “action plan” … of sorts.  Or, to plan some action(s).  Wallowing in self-pity or the like isn’t good, particularly if done “too long” and/or too much of the time.  Okay, maybe some of that is relatively unavoidable, but regardless, need to make that “better” – or at least make some reasonable attempts thereof.  Notably, try something – kind’a almost anything – just not be stuck in the same, when the same sucks.

“When you’re going through hell, keep going.” – Winston Churchill

So, don’t just keep doing the same (or the same nothing), if that quite highly sucks. In other words, “Don’t stay there – keep going.”
So … plans, … and observations. And throwing a “pitty party” – not a good idea. Who’d wanna go to that? Certainly not me. Not even if it was my own party.

So, plans.  First, a quite general idea.  “Do something.”.  Almost anyhthing – just do it!  It’s not like I don’t have “stuff to do”.  There’s always “stuff” to do, and plenty of it.  “Problem” – at least mostly, is mood/motivation.  Don’t feel like doing anything, not enjoying anything and certainly feeling there’s nothing I’d enjoy – at least that’s available to me to do.  Well, the hell with that (even if it might be true).  Do something(s) anyway.  And why?  Well, multiple reasons. Most notably, it gets some stuff actually done.  Generally good and/or useful stuff – even if very marginally so – at least for having done or getting done, that’s at least a bit better than, well, getting “nothing” done, or quite minimal.  So, do something.  Even if it’s hard, even if it’s painful, even if I don’t wanna, even if I can’t see, think, feel, or imagine myself liking doing it or even liking having had done it.  Friggin’ suck it up and do it anyway.  Why?  Because it gets stuff done – even if that “stuff” doesn’t matter all that much, maybe even quite infinitesimally, it’s still at least something, which, when at least some slight trace good/beneficial/useful or the like, is generally better than a comparative nothing; so – do something!.  And, why else?  Well, because even if I can’t appreciate it or enjoy it at all, or enjoy or appreciate what’s done now, at least later, looking back on it, I’ll generally think and feel better about having done something, rather than quite nothing.  So, “do something”.  And it’s not like I don’t have a lot of something(s) to do.  Really I’ve quite the long list of such.  Rather a “to do” / “never ending list of doom” / “wish list” – long list, very long list, of “stuff to do”.  So, … “do stuff”.  And not that it appreciably “fixes” anything, or make me feel better – hell, doin’ it – at least some of it, might even feel worse – well f*ck that, just do it anyway.  Push on through.  So, that’s part of “the” / a plan.  Do stuff.  Again, not that it necessarily fixes anything or much of anything.  But rather that, at least generally, it’s at least slightly better, overall, compared to doing “nothing”.  So, … “do something”.

Other related, not-so-related, and semi-random observations and the like.

Fickle.  Flighty.  Mood not so “well grounded”.  Far too easily influenced by “external factors” – and mostly stuff that either ought not matter, or ought not have that much impact upon how I feel.  It’s not like it absolutely and totally gets randomly knocked about, but rather, more like it ought be much more solid and secure, and not blown/knocked about so easily, by the slightest – or rather minor – of breeze or influence.  At “deeper levels”, is quite well anchored, solid, strong, secure, but it’s the upper/surface layers, and at least fair bit in/towards the middle, that gets knocked/influenced about far too easily.   Not sure exactly why that is, or even particularly how it is.  And … some things have much more influence than others.  Not sure exactly why that is, either.  But, e.g., some examples (and also counter-examples).  Close friend I quite trust and like.  Opinions, thoughts, comments, reactions – even lack thereof – that’ll often knock how I feel all over the place … from quite good/excellent, to quite cr*p – and most anything between.  But at the same time, even from very much the same person, some, even many, of those opinions, thoughs, comments, reactions, and even lack thereof, will often have little to no impact or influence.  Not sure particularly what makes such a huge difference there.  I’m guessing it’s probably some combination of – and I don’t know the weighting – or even which factors may not even be significant or applicable at all – how the person feels about/towards me, and/or more specifically regarding item/matter/comment at hand, how I feel about that/them, how significant – or insignificant that item/issue is to me, how strong/secure/grounded I am and feel in/around that area – or much more insecure/raw/exposed/vulnerable and not so well grounded or such in that area, whether and to what extent I value/trust/believe their thoughts/opinion/perspective on the matter at hand, my thoughts/perspective on the matter (agree, disagree, shocked and surprised by their observation/commentary – pleasantly or unpleasantly, or not at all surprised), and probably additional factors that don’t jump to mind or I’ve not thought of.  What about “others” – other persons and random influences.  Some influence fairly similarly, some have close to zero or zero impact.  E.g. work, coworkers, random happenings at work – some stuff will rather majorly impact my mood and how I feel (even if/when it quite ought not do so at all), and other things – even which one might think would significantly to majorly impact my mood and how I feel – or would likely impact most people – will often have quiet small to zero or so impact.  Again, not sure why that is.  But I’d guess relatively similar set, but of different factors, play into such – some of which cause much impact, others little to zero impact.   And yet others, zero or close to zero impact.  E.g. random stranger who doesn’t know me from a whole in the ground – what they say to me, perhaps even do to me, will typically have zero to dang near zero impact.  Probably mostly because I also don’t know them at all, and haven’t developed any kind of opinion of their perspective/opinion/comment or the like – so I don’t yet value it – positively or negatively.  Rather like it’s just some random piece of data, which may not at all necessarily be valid data.  A mere piece of data, which may not really be information, nor at all useful, at least in-and-of-itself.  Yet, on the other hand, and somewhat analogous to good friend, for those I like, wish to influence, or most notably wish to have like and care about me and be interested in me, well, their opinions, reactions, etc. of/towards me, can quite majorly impact how I feel – even if it quite ought not to – regardless, it does.  Not sure how to “fix” all that, or even if it’s “fixable”, per se.  I am human after all – and that includes a lot of imperfections, and, egad, feelings and emotions and the like.

Fickle, flighty, (partially) “ungrounded”.  And I say “partially”, ’cause deeper down, things are quite solid, etc.  But what can, does, and/or might “fix” that, or make that a whole helluva lot better?  Relationship?  Ah, “yes” … but a somewhat qualified “yes”.  Sure, great, wondeful, solid, nurturing, caring, supportive (but not coddling, etc.) relationship – that helps … helps a whole helluva lot.  I think I’ve generally quite been at my best when in such relationship.  Unfortunately that’s been way too small a percentage of the time.  But, really, also, shouldn’t “need” a relationship for that – or at least not for most of that.  I ought be able to, at least mostly, quite do that for myself.  After all, it’s not like I’m not worth it and don’t “deserve” such support, care, etc. And I’m sure quite excellent at providing such to someone else (despite the fact that I can’t friggin’ get a date – but that’s another matter … having folks that actually finally get to know me very well, actually like, even very much love me – that, at least generally, ain’t been a problem … problem there has mostly been meeting folks, social interaction, and getting anywhere reasonably close to the point where anyone actually knows me reasonably well at all – most just don’t, and never will – very few exceptions to that that are, or ever even were, on the planet).  So, … I ought somehow manage to better nurture and support myself, etc.  And most especially when I feel like cr*p – as I don’t so much “need” such support when I feel good/excellent – or even mostly “okay”.  “Love thyself.”?  I’ve never been particularly good at that – and also tends not to work well for me.  I can end up with an attitude (arrogance, etc.), that is rather to highly counter-productive (not to mention being rather off-putting, etc.) – so that ain’t exactly the answer.  But at least it’s not like I “hate myself” or anything like that.  More generally, and typically, it’s more like “like myself” – which for the most part, and most of the time, seems quite “good enough”.  But how do I better care for myself – notably nurture, support, etc., when I feel quite like crud?  When I most could use the support, and, as is far too often the case, there’s nobody else there to support and care for me, so, … it comes down to me.  How do I well, or at least reasonably, do that, and when I feel least “capable” of doing so?  And why, when I feel so quite “down” like that, can I still rather to quite well care for and help others, and do so helluva lot better than I can manage to do so for myself?  Hmmmm… I don’t know, and quite unsure how to “fix” that, or even significantly improve that.  But if/were I able to, or when I could do so, I think that’d make for … well, not only help me feel better and “recover” better and the like, but also would make for a “more solid core” – and … especially a lot of those upper/surface layers, and much of the “in the middle”, that seems/feels far too fickle/flighty, and easily influenced about in how I feel – much more “knocked and blown about” than seems ought to be the case.

People, connections, interaction/social – vs. “things” and inanimates and the like.  Yes, (semi-)random additional things, but very important.  I feel rather to quite ripped/torn/conflicted.  Trying, pulling, going and attempting to go, in two very distinct and different (if not almost diametrically opposed – or at least orthogonal) directions at the same time.  Notably being – trying to be more “connected’ … social interaction and attempts thereof, e.g., hell, attempting to actually like gain some good friend(s) – like ones I could actually quite have a meaningful significant conversation with – and about stuff I actually deeply felt and cared about … yeah, okay, so unfortunately not exactly anywhere close to that (sure, one good friend – but can’t exactly do the communication thing much – and no, I ain’t gonna explain).  So, sure, a major “gap” there that I’d very much like to fill.  Hell, ideally, a relationship – damn fine excellent one, etc., etc., but, heck, a decent friend I could quite communicate and converse with would be a good start (and heck, prerequisite).  So, sure, want to have that, want to work on that.  “But” (excuses, excuses?).  Its hard, damn friggin’ hard.  Trying so damn hard, over and over and over and over, etc., and even often rather to quite getting the hopes up – yes, something here ‘n there, often seems like maybe, just maybe there might be some real possibility there, and … disappointment after disappointment after crushing dissappointment, ad nauseum.  It’s friggin’ harddamn hard.  And, especially after a while, it can get, not only highly discouraging, but really, frankly, friggin’ exceedingly depressing.  The trying and trying and trying ad infinitum with (mostly) nothing but failure, failure, failure, failure, ad infinitum, it friggin’ hurts, hurts like hell, and is damm f*cking depressing and discouraging (with negligible to zero exception), so, really, after a while, I just can’t do it – can’t face it, can’t even try – at all, … gotta take a break from it – pull back, “regroup”.  Just often not up for it, especially after so many continuous defeats and nothing but.  So, … I stop trying and quite pull back … at least for a while.  Maybe even sometimes fairly long while.  It’s not like I don’t want the friendship, connection, etc., it’s really just that I can’t friggin’ bear the pain of too many oft repeated defeats.  Just friggin’ can’t stand or tolerate it any more.  So, at least sometimes, quite have to step back from it.  Take a break … at the least.  And, really, thing I often, perhaps too often, find myself pondering, is maybe I really ought just totally give up on that.  Not even friggin’ try.  Whole lot of resource burn, for about zero results.  Sure, would be my loss (and theirs), but really, is it worth it?  Only so much time in my life.  I’m already past 50.  Some things I’m good at, even very good at.  But … social interactions, making friends?  Not one of them – not even anywhere close.  Maybe I ought just friggin’ give up on that, stop trying … period, and “just” work on stuff I am good and effective at.  And just friggin’ learn to deal with it – be friggin’ alone and lonely … forever.  Just figure out how to be, live, and deal with that “okay” anyway … forever.  Maybe I’m just not “wired” for establishing quality interactions with humans.  Yeah, I can quite do the quality interactions, … it’s the getting there that I highly suck at.  Maybe I ought just very much give up on that – maybe it’s just not fixable.

So, pulled in “conflicting” different (opposite?  or orthogonal) directions.  Yeah, sure, there’s the obvious – “connection”, social interaction, friends (or attempts thereof), relationship (yeah, fat chance ‘o that).  Try more, harder, differently, and again and again.  Or friggin’ just give up, walk away, don’t try, try not to even think about it.  Sure there’s that.  But also (orthogonal?) – inanimates.  Objects, things, electronics/computers/code.  I’m very well accomplished there.  Could probably also yet do helluva lot more and even better there.  So, maybe, I, at least mostly, just focus a lot more time/energy/attention there.  Keep tryin’ to make the world a much better place … just me not at all much connected to any other person(s) at all, in how I go about doing that, … “that’s all”.  Hey, at least it’s something I’m quite good at.  Helluva lot more “comforting”, or at least reassuring, to pour lots of time, effort, energy, resources, etc., into something and … actually have it go rather to exceedingly well.  Rather than nothing (or almost nothing) but failure after failure after failure after failure after failure.  After a while, it’s like, why the hell keep working at what one fails at and is, apparently very obviously no good at?  Why not instead pour the time/focus/energies into what one is actually at least decent at, if not highly effective, good, and competent at?  So, yeah, I do feel myself rather to, even highly, “pulled” in that direction.  Rather like, “The f*uck with people” (well, at least me attemtpting to establish meaningful connections, anyway), and rather, just deal with, work on, etc. inanimates – and in areas where I’m rather to highly good and effective.  Maybe I make people’s lives better by making them easier, more comfortable, more efficient, healthier, safer, more convenient, more effective, etc., etc., without, myself, ever “connecting” with anybody.  Maybe that’s (mostly) “all” I’m cut out to do, and can reasonably do or hope to achieve.  So, “do something” – yeah, I mostly find myself leaning very heavily in favor of the inanimates.  Maybe humans mostly just suck at connecting.  Or maybe it’s our so called “civilization” and society that’s so bad at it.  Or maybe it’s just me that so highly sucks at it (though seems it’s quite a significant portion of the population that seems/feels so rather to highly disconnected – so seems the “problem”/issue is helluva lot broader than “just me” – though I may still be quite in the minority, though a sizable minority).  So, yeah, computers is my friend – sure, no human warmth, no touch, no meaningful intelligent conversation, no “humanity” to ’em, but sure as hell got their advantages too – never hate, despise, or even dislike anyone (or like or love – whatever), they don’t abandon or walk away or ignore, never start or perpetuate wars or aggression – certainly not by themselves or of their own volition, exceedingly logical, just do precisely and exactly what they’re told, really no faults of their own to speak of (“This sort of thing has cropped up before, and it has always been due to human error.” – HAL 9000, 2001: A Space Odyssey).  So, maybe some day – or in cumulative impact – I’ll manage to do something that makes the planet a much nicer place to live, or at least improves human lives for some fair number of people, or quite possibly many more.  And maybe nobody will ever know it was me that did it – and maybe that’s just as well anyway.  Maybe I won’t even know.

And yeah it friggin’ hurts.  No, I don’t want pitty; besides, pitty parties suck.  So what, I can deal with it.  Ain’t gonna kill me (at least not quickly, anyway).

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