Archive for October, 2013

blog … or not?; “dating”, OkCupid, …

2013-10-21 23:18:40 PDT

So, I find myself thinking/feeling …

To blog, or not to blog. And, … more like, not whether or not to write something more on/for blog, but … whether or not to even have a blog – or blogs, … or, … just ignore ’em and let ’em languish – the blogs themselves, that is. I mean, after all, lets see (stats … lies, damn lies, and statistics … well, ‘cept it’s all true).
Total published blog posts: 223
This blog alone: 113
Subscribers/followers – total: 40
Subscribers/followers I actually know: 1
oldest/first blog post: 2011-12-09
average posts per day: .33 per week: 2.3
average days between posts: 3.1
(non-spam) comments: 100 total (60 private) – and that also includes my own comments, subtracting out my own comments, total is 77
total likes: 96
last 37 days:
posts: all blogs: 23 this blog: 12
total number of (non-spam) comments: 1 (private), likes: 1
In general, seems what relatively meager interest I managed to generate in my blog stuff, seems to have mostly quite declined. The view stats also reflect that. Certainly can’t say it’s easy for me to write/blog – I’m not very good at it, and it’s mostly a communication means of last resort. Mostly very much putting it onto the ether … or … void. Don’t really know that I want to bother or continue it, … at least for the most part. For all the time/effort energy, save for one person, seems mostly relatively lost. So, … why even bother? Especially if I really don’t even like to blog. Ah, and most of the feedback I get on my writing is, that it sucks, … and, … that’s the more polite version of it. And it takes me so damn much time/effort/energy to even manage to make it as high as … sucks. Ugh.

A conversation would be oh so much better, so very much better. But alas. Hardly have had that. Has really only happened twice thus far this year … really, that’s only twice in the last several years or so. Yeah, pro’lly ought do something I enjoy, or much more so enjoy than blog. Crud – if only there was something I enjoyed … something I could look forward to – something actually attainable – not some pipe dream. Really most of what I want – and most want, requires other person(s) … and … really just can’t at all depend upon that. Not that people are that undependable, just that it’s really never worked for me. Damn. That sucks. Welcome to my life. It really does highly suck. Pretty much nothing that I look forward to or want that I can attain. Can’t even hardly do anything for anyone else. Try to be damn helpful – but that only goes so far. Folks only want or can use so much help, and does that even help me? Eh, sometimes – good to be helpful/useful/appreciated/wanted but … for the most part, don’t get a lot of that. Mostly like appreciated, but … uhm, yeah, that’s enough already, thank you very much … can’t you find something else to do? Uhm, yeah, if only.

OkCupid – and for some stupid reason I feel inclined to muck about with my OkCupid profile. Profile rather sucks, and I’d only likely make it worse. But geez, it’s like I quite don’t care. I mean whole friggin’ year, what have I got from it thus far? One whole date that didn’t even last an hour, and really just wasn’t a very good experience at all. I mean, one piss poor date per year, how much worse could it be if I totally f*cked over my OkCupid profile? Probably quite the waste anyway. Maybe I best ought find something else to do, … hell, friggin’ anything else to do. But is there a damn thing I can find that I want to do … that I actually can do, or might actually be able to achieve? Uhm, well, how ’bout something I actually like or want? Crap. Yeah, that is a problem. And so it goes.

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meltdown? Tired/exhausted? Well, bit drained for a bit?

2013-10-20 22:24:04 PDT

An excerpt from something I wrote to someone a few days ago:

“Social/interesting/challenging/introvert/exhausting? Yeah, as I notice
and pay attention to it, I do find that, in fact, more intense
social/interacting stuff – even sometimes stuff I quite like, but
regardless, seems to quite wear me down. Whether I dreaded it, or
thought/felt it was good/great – I often find myself relatively wiped
afterwards – at least for a bit, and … rather sneaks up on me too.
Kind’a like, oh, gee, why did I just poop out and run out of energy
when I otherwise generally wouldn’t at all, and took a 2 hr. nap in the
afternoon or early evening. Wind the clock back a bit, and, … oh
yeah, about 2.5 hrs. before that – intense social interaction, or some
group social interaction thingy, or something like that. Ah, yes, we
have correlation. Sometimes the impact is more severe/extreme – but
that’s (much) more the exception, rather than the rule. And, does it
get better/easier with “practice”? I don’t think so, … at least for
the most part. But with much greater regularity/frequency, it seems to
somehow become easier. E.g., like once upon a time, then girlfriend
was out for extended visit staying with me. Five months long – quite a
long stay. I don’t think I found that all draining/exhausting/tiring.
But maybe it quite depends on circumstance. Also not sure exactly how
the first few days to week or so of that went in terms of energy vs.
“exhaustion”. Might be too many other factors in the mix to isolate
out the impacts of the social/interacting, vs. everything else also
going on at the same time. Settling down/in, and “comfort level” may
also be significant – if not huge – factors as to whether or not such
is more generally exhausting/draining or not … to perhaps even
somewhat the opposite.”

“Of course” bit of a typo (well more like braino) in that text. The bit about then girlfriend. Looks like I dropped a word or sentence fragment. That probably should have instead been something much more like: “don’t think I found that all that draining/exhausting/tiring” or … “found that particularly draining/” … or hardly, or much at all, or something like that.

Anyway, does social interaction drain/tire/exhaust me? Don’t think I’d paid much attention to it before, but as I pay attention and notice, at least in general, yeah, probably so. Yes, among the more common definitions of introvert vs. extrovert – extroverts essentially gain energy from such social interactions, thrive on it, seek it out. Introverts, it quite tends to wear them down and exhaust them – so generally more limited doses and/or means preferred, and tend to quite want the “alone” – or at least “quiet” time(s) too – and generally in abundance. And, yeah, I tend to score quite highly on the introverted side of the scale, e.g.: Quiz: are you an introvert? (me: 19 out of 20), Personality Types … & Myers-Briggs. Perhaps in some cases too, even the anticipation thereof can and does quite run me down. Even if/when it’s a generally quite positive experience, even highly so, does it still rather/quite drain/tire/exhaust me? Yes, does quite seem to – at least in many/most cases/circumstances. Possible exceptions? I think when I know the person(s) quite to highly well, and the interaction is pretty to quite frequent, I don’t seem to get the energy drain effect. Not sure what that is or what makes the difference. But seems to be more than “just” being very familiar with the person. Not sure what it is. Maybe something in the regularity of it when that’s quite present? Not sure what that might be, but … guessing/speculation … comfort level? But seems a bit more than that. Reduced stress/pressure? Maybe if seems/feels much more “available” to me – for that communication/interaction, it’s like it takes a whole lot of the stress off? Like I’m not “worrying” about / stressing over (even subconsciously) what to do with the quite limited availability/resource? Like I can’t be nearly as “connected” as I want, so I’m always trying to figure out how to best use the precious little time available? Or the mostly being quite unsure of that and how to use it, and always wanting more? Or maybe it’s “insecurity” – again, much more so subconscious. Fearing that limited availability could go away at any time – and maybe for a long time, or even forever? Maybe it feels much more satisfying/relaxing/comforting when it’s “more than enough” – doesn’t feel like a scarcity or under-supply, but most or all I’d want or more – at least insofar as that communication/”connection” goes, anyway? Who knows. Might be other stuff I, without knowing, do and/or don’t do, around such, that causes, or contributes in major way to what does/doesn’t happen regarding “energy” – or lack thereof, and tiredness/exhaustion. In any case, quite the interesting thought/observation, but does quite seem that we definitely have correlation – in general, that social interaction, regardless of how positive, how much I look forward to it and enjoy it, seek it out, even rather to highly crave it, in most cases, it actually runs me down at least some fair bit, and even when it goes rather to exceedingly well. And, regardless, maybe that, at least mostly, is a good thing? Not bad, anyway, but just is. Who knows, maybe it helps me relax, and even sleep.

semi-random book bits, library, Link+, social, Temple Grandin

2013-10-20 11:09:29 PDT

Ah, the book _The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships_ – Temple Grandin. Yup, not at Berkeley Public or San Francisco Public, but Link+ … 12 locations show it listed, however of those, none show having more than one copy yet, only 5 show in the system as “AVAILABLE”, however :-) San Jose Public shows “5 copies ordered on 09-18-2013” – so I think that’s fair game, once they’re in (I kind’a hate to deprive a library or location of their only copy – at least if it’s easy enough to avoid doing that; oddly, though, I don’t exactly think/feel that way when I go into local library and grab something off the shelf and check it out).

Hmmm, one book I’ve checked out a lot lately (it is quite authoritative reference on the topic – though not exactly a reference book per se), from San Francisco Public – has two copies – I’ve mostly been checking ’em out alternately – I think thus far the other copy has always been on the shelf when I checked one of ’em out. Yep – one shows as available, and the other now shows as “SORTING” – I just dropped that one in the bookdrop yesterday after the library was closed. I ought just buy that book … likely can find it used for pretty cheap. And if I find that Temple Grandin book to be similarly useful to me, I probably likewise ought buy it – at least if it’s something I may tend to want to refer back to and reread, etc.

Temple Grandin also has a TedTalk that’s quite worth watching: Temple Grandin: The world needs all kinds of minds. Seems I likely mentioned it at least once before, … but not sure where or to whom, or if I got it on blog earlier.

And part of my logical brain looks at written book of unwritten whatever – and sees that as a paradoxical logical contradiction. How could one have a written anything of that which is unwritten – ’tis not possible, correct?

Yet more tests

2013-10-09 06:23:08 PDT

Are you a social person?
You are a quiet person who wants to be left alone. A pure introvert, your best ( and perhaps only) friend is yourself. Try to break out of that shell of yours once in a while!

I’ll preface this one by sating: I generally don’t like IQ tests, they’re generally at best, a very rough approximation of reality, my score tends to vary a lot, mostly depending upon what they test/measure and how (and no, they don’t really measure IQ – if that’s even so much as possible). E.g., at least typically, if it’s mostly math/logic/analytic reasoning, and especially if also untimed, I tend to do quite to exceedingly well. If it’s timed and heavily vocabulary and general language dependent, I don’t score nearly as well. A lot of IQ test questions don’t really test intelligence at all, and typically are much more dependent upon other factors (e.g. cultural or particular educational exposures) … blah, blah, blah, so … tend to be inherently highly flawed in many ways. Oh, and these are absolutely not any official sanctioned tests.
Oh, also, this particular test – they also give the answers … the one I got incorrect, just a careless mistake (oops) … but also one I got correct was pretty much a wild guess. Except for the one I guessed on, I found ’em all quite straight-forward … but at least interesting/challenging “enough” it wasn’t totally boring, anyway.
Could say a bit more about some specific bits on the test, but probably best if I don’t say such – particularly if one may want to take the test.
Model IQ Test
You have answered 37 questions out of 38 correctly. Your IQ is ~ 147.

Okay, so I got bored the other night, did an online search of “online tests”, or something like that, and … well, poked at some that seemed like they might be “interesting” and/or “challenging” for me … or maybe even “entertaining” or (unlikely?) informative? Whatever.

Self-Esteem Test

2013-10-08 06:12:46 PDT

Self-Esteem Test

Okay, so I got bored, and took some more on-line tests.

Anyway, results:

Snapshot Report
Ability to Deal with Rejection
57 (on 0 to 100 scale … so is that like about a D- ?)

The potential of being rejected by others as a result of who you are or what you do tends to be at the back of your mind. Although you may not live with the constant fear of being tossed away by people in your life, you may sometimes go out of your way to attain the approval of others. And this approval does matter to you, at least to some degree. Rejection by the people in your life may not shatter your self-image, but it would be quite a blow that could lead to self-doubt, discouragement, and humiliation. Realize that the only approval you should be worried about is your own – and that the potential for rejection actually starts with you. If you don’t fully respect and approve of yourself, you project an image to others that says “I am not worthy, I am not good enough for you”, which can result in the very rejection you fear.

Alienation Test

2013-10-08 05:39:47 PDT

Alienation Test
Your Scores

Meaninglessness = 20
Cultural Estrangement = 21
Powerlessness = 18
Normlessness = 17
Estrangement from Work = 21
Social Isolation = 24
Scores should range between 5 and 25.
Scores from 5 to 11 could be considered “low,”
from 12 to 18 “moderate,”
and from 19 to 25 “high.”

Aw crud, not the test I’d want to be getting high scores on.
Nearly perfect 24 out of 25 on Social Isolation, er, uhm, yeah, that’d be more like nearly completely failed on that one.

English test

2013-10-08 04:36:43 PDT

English test – or, more lies, damn lies, and statistics.

So, took an on-line English test. How’d I do?
“Well done for completing the test. Your score is 25” – yeah, perfect score 25 of 25.
Gee, how practical. If all my writing was already about 90% or more completed, and I just had to pick one in four for multiple choice to complete it, I’d do pretty good. Blah.
Hmmm, yeah, me and English tests. Whatever. Have a look for the phrase “by passing” on semi-random / select personal stats – or lies, damn lies, and statistics … except they’re all true. Or more generally, look for “English” (and/or “writing”) there and scattered about my blog posts.

Cancelled? Canceled?

2013-10-08 04:16:46 PDT

No wonder I suck at English – and spelling. Is it Cancelled, or Canceled? Both. Both are correct spellings – at least in American English. No wonder I get confused. I mean geez, they’ve had what, how many hundred years to get the language right and make up their minds? And they still keep screwing around with it. Had to deal with an application, not too long ago, key field in essentially two tables. Allowed values – and all this from the same vendor – in one “table”, Cancelled, but not Canceled, and the other, vice versa. How bloody annoying! And all within the same product from the same vendor, geez! And it’s not like they’re targeted for different languages or countries. Ugh. And yes I inquired, and no they’re not going to “fix” it or make it consistent. And of course if you put in the wrong Cancel[l]ed in either of those fields, it, “of course” won’t work. Who the hell designed that cr*p?

Socially awkard

2013-10-01 19:58:04 PDT

So … 19 Everyday Situations That Are Impossibly Difficult For The Socially Awkward … if I score 75% or more, does that mean I pass? Oh, … not the test I wanted to get a high score on. Crud. Oh well.