various random bits, perhaps semi-topical (or semi-current, or just on/to mind relatively recently)

‘Cause someone asked “What is the biggest age gap you have had in a relationship?” Perhaps I “answered” too much. :-/

I was 24, she 37; she 21, I 28.  Not just years, but think percent or ratio, e.g. she more than 50% older, and I about 1/3 older.  So I lost my virginity at 24 to a 37 year old.  And for only that one rather brief span in my life – about 6 weeks – was I ever having sex with a woman in her 20s – just that one partner – and never a sexual partner that was younger than 21 – ever.  And since that very first relationship, if one adds up all the spans of time I’ve been in sexual relationship with someone, it doesn’t even total up to 5 months.  And, in the last about 15 years, been in such a relationship only a span of 3 weeks.  And I’m already past 50.  Damn life sucks.  Hope yours is going better than mine.

Perhaps I should’ve footnoted it to define “sexual relationship”, in that context, as actually having intercourse … not that that distinction would changes the picture a whole helluva lot.

“Wrong, Do it again!” – from Pink Floyd’s “The Wall”.  Not sure exactly why, but quite jumped to mind fairly recently and seems rather stuck in my head at least presently.  Don’t know if it is/feels like it’s “me” saying that to me, or “everybody else” (or both) – but in any case, sure as hell very much feels like that.  The social thing.  Yeah, obviously, I must have that very wrong – ’cause it’s so highly not working for me – over and over again.  So, it’s like – at least a lot of – no, don’t stop, don’t give up, but rather – mostly, lots of “Wrong, Do it again!”.  Feels like a damn torture – well, maybe not necessarily quite as much a torture in-the-moment, but certainly in cumulative effect (or affect, whatever) – damn friggin’ hurts like hell, and, … keep – at least mostly – tossing myself back into it – at least some fair bit, and obviously since it keeps not working, I must be doing it Wrong, so … keep repeating again – Do it again!  Ugh.  In-the-moment … and how’s that generally feel – social ‘n all that for me.  Eh, … rather like I could take it or leave it – at least most of the time.  Some of it moderately to fair bit positive, much of it too, feels quite the opposite.  Often not particularly predictable – often highly unpredictable – how things will go – and/or even how I’ll feel about it.  So, … really don’t know (much, if at all) ahead of time – at least in most cases.  So, … it’s like, even just “in the moment” – do I enjoy it or not?  Don’t much particularly care either way – for the most part makes so damn little different I really don’t much care either way.  Yeah, sure, if I spend (way) too much time isolated/isolating, I’ll miss that “contact” – though contact is relative misnomer.  Often it’s more of just being around people, with only zero to negligible contact.  And too, sometimes, if I do quite a bit of contact, frequently, even or often at length, etc., put much effort into it … and “of course” (? – but why?) still get zero results – or damn nearly so – that’s … well, besides being rather “torture” in cumulative effect (or affect) – well, it just ends up not only highly exhausting after a while, but really draining and frankly quite depressing.  If/when it gets to the point where my attitude rather to quite totally sucks, and I can’t even muster up or fake some reasonable degree of positivity, then it’s time to pull back and not try so damn hard – or perhaps even hardly at all – at least for a while.  ‘Cause, when my attitude gets that sucky, and I’m that run down by it, well, can pretty much only be counterproductive to still keep pushing myself on it then when I feel that horrible about it, in it, through it, and in every attempt I so much as make at it.  So yeah, sure, sometimes I pull back fair bit – even a lot – give myself a “break” from it.

TV?  Most television programming sucks.  Most of my adult life, I’ve typically not watched, or only quite rarely watched TV.  In about the last nearly 15 years where I now live, I switched on an actual television (picked up a quite small one for free that someone was getting rid of) only once – flipped through all the available channels (and many of them available where I am) – utter cr*p – nothin’ worth watching, turned it off, haven’t looked back.  That’s mostly been the case for me for many decades now.  I used to – as hobby – pick up, for free, non-working television sets and repair them(did that all the way back into my teens).  But after repairing them, all the intellectual challenge was completely and totally gone – as there was nothing worth watching – so what was I gonna do with a working TV set?  Anyway, fastforward in time – cable TV and all that – hundred(s) or so channels.  Yeah, still pretty close to nothing worth watching (I’ve never had a cable TV subscription).  Forward bit more in time – not only The Internet, but lots of video content available, and the vast majority of it available for free, or effectively so.  So now instead of like hundred(s) of channels, … more like hundreds of thousands or more.  And mostly not “broadcast” or real-time, but stored, so one can watch them at one’s leisure.  Yeah, still not much worth watching … but … out of the hundreds of thousands or more – including also much of what’s been broadcast before, … some things rather to quite worth watching … but still not all that much.  So I watch a few TV shows (more-or-less) and/or other (semi-)regular video programming/content.  But not much.  Of the current stuff, there are only two currently running programs I quite like (for certain definitions of “currently running”).  Doctor Who, and The Americans.  There’s also some bits of other semi-random stuff I watch – or at least sometimes watch – my “guilty pleasures” – but most or all of those I don’t much care about, and often don’t watch at all, or quite postpone (perhaps indefinitely) watching them.  Not gonna bother to explain – at least here ‘n now – why I like those two programs.  Anyway, among other things, I do quite like some of the bits of quotes and (more-or-less) “wisdom” in Doctor Who – not that (hardly?) any of it is “news” to me, at all, but, is often well said, and sometimes also more-or-less shown.  The Americans – one of the bits I rather like in it, is some of the music.  It’s got some faux period music in it (or maybe bits so obscure I don’t recall them at all?), but also some actual music from in/around the period it’s set in.  And sometimes used quite well.  One that keeps coming to mind, but that they’ve not yet used, is “Russians” – by Sting.  And one they used quite recently – I think it was season finale – “Games Without Frontiers” – Peter Gabriel.

Music … & loss.  Music can be rather to very good for me.  I don’t indulge nearly as much as I probably ought, some of those reasons probably “historical” and various life things that have happened along the way.  Back in my teens, and even earlier, sure, quite an interest and liking of music – especially lots of popular tunes and the like.  But did I buy albums?  No.  I was mostly on the “starving student” budget – typically taped stuff off the radio.  Never owned that many albums (or commercially produced tapes).  I remember back in college, there were folks there that had music collections – most notably album collections, that I was quite envious of.  I really just didn’t have the funds for it – I could scarceely afford college at it was (and that was a stretch!) – though too, others had it even harder financially (and/or otherwise) than I.  But music was a luxury I really just couldn’t afford – certainly not anywhere near as I wished, anyway.  And – really haven’t mentioned it to many – mostly just too damn painful and prefer to forget – but in 2000, major burglary, my entire audio collection was stolen (along with about 20% of every possession I had – of negligible value to anyone else or “street value” – but it was very valuable stuff to me … gone forever, never to be seen again.  I figure about 5 man-years of stuff, gone forever – and not stuff I could, for the most part, ever go out and just buy.  Stuff I created, wrote, assembled, collected, things given or handed down to me – not valuable to anyone else, but regardless, valuable to me, and irreplaceable).  So, all my recorded audio was stolen – albums, tapes, CDs – even audio tape “letters” exchanged with friend – who died before 2000, auido tape recordings of family members already deceased by then – all of my grandparents, at least one of my great-grantparents, and some other relatives long since gone, recordings of me and my sister as quite young kids, audio recordings from my cave explorations, stuff taped off the radio, much, etc.  Wasn’t a huge music collection, but it was all I had – my entire audio collection.  I haven’t even attempted to replace it.  So, yeah, music – generally good for me.  Most notably, it tends to make me feel something.  Not necessarily better, though sometimes so.  Mostly just tends to enhance or build a mood … whatever that mood might happen to be … or … sometimes shift it a bit, but mostly just tends to kind’a amplify what’s already there.  And, even when the mood is crud, and the music rather to quite dark or “negative” or the like, it’s still mostly a good thing … most of the time.  Even on the negative, … it tends to help kind’a work/feel it through … rather than more so just kind’a leaving it festering and lingering.  Yet at the same time too – though I try to forget, it’s also often hard.  That burglary – whole helluva lot of loss there.  And not a damn thing I can do about it.  So, yeah, sometimes, in many cases, music also reminds me of that loss.  And that may be a reason why still, to this day, I don’t listen to as much music as I might otherwise.  Certainly do sometimes, … but not a lot, and far from constant, or even as frequently as daily – even a bit.  Some music I hear – perhaps the song, or just where my head is at when and as I hear it, quite reminds me of that loss – and it hurts a lot more … or I just turn the music off, and try to ignore and forget.

Attitude.  My attitude has been pretty sucky.  Are we surprised?  Yeah, I know.  It should be better … much better.  Not exactly super-easy to fix.  I certainly wish it was much better.  Mood generally been quite sucky, and that tends to quite bring the attitude down with it.  Often very much so.

Advice.  Much easier dispensed than followed, eh?  Yeah, I can quite say that of my own good/excellent advice – even if I mostly follow quite a bit of it.  Certainly also fail to follow significant bit of it too.  And lots of advice from others to me – various persons, sources, etc.  And – rather like much of what’s on The Internet – some of it good/excellent, some of it cr*p, and … whole lot in the middle, mostly fairish – may be highly redundant of what I already know and tell myself, or might be “good”, but just not at all relevant – e.g. doesn’t at all usefully apply to me, my situation, country/culture I’m in, species I happen to be and planet I reside on, etc.  But, I should better appreciate the advice I receive, and make better use of it!  Sure,”of course”, some of it will be “wrong” or not fit, much of it may not be particularly useful or feasible to implement or may not do what I (or anyone else) want done.  But regardless, there’s probably, oh, guestimating, somewhere between 5 and 20% of the “advice” received (and/or that I run across, etc.), that is good to excellent advice, and also useful, fitting, suitable to me and my situation, feasible to implement (or at least sure as heck try), etc., etc.  Yeah.  Attitude.  Need to fix that.  Really hard to see and spot the best bits of such advice when the attitude (and mood) sucks.  It all seems so dark, impossible, infeasible, “can’t work”, blah, blah, blah (excuses, excuses, find a “fault” in all of it), when, in “reality” … well, it’s probably quite a bit better and more fitting, useful, and helpful than it would seem or appear or feel to be.  And should well appreciate such advice.  (I do, but may often fail to show, or adequately show that).  And, the especially challenging part – despite the sucky mood and attitude, should be able to pick out the best most useful bits, and apply them.  But damn, it’s hard to recognize which bits are those, among all the advice, when mood/attitude is doing so poorly.  But, it is in there somewhere!  And (un)fortunately, who best to know which bits actually do and would work for me, vs. which, wouldn’t, or not so well – why me, of course!  Hmmmmmmm… bit of a Catch-22.  Now, of course, someone that knew me highly to exceedingly well, might be able to pick out and emphasize those particularly most fitting and useful bits for me – even if I couldn’t for myself.  Ah, yeah, if only someone actually knew me that well and was quite inclined to do so … though anything at least slightly or more in that direction, is at least some bit of a positive.

Attitude, attitude.  Sometimes quite/too negative.  Gotta watch myself on that, as it can be a bad thing.  E.g. this (well, yesterday, as it’s 1:45 A.M. as I’m typing this) morning … yeah, shouldn’t ‘a been thinkin’ so much about the dad/father thing, but found myself thinking – not that I’d actually do it, but … of, like getting a T-shirt printed up, and printed large and bold on it (slightly censored version here):
Uhm … yeah, quite the provocateur that would be, eh?  But I also found myself slighty bemused that, despite its great offensiveness, technically it’s literally and universally true (well, at least given certain interpretation).  But probably not the technical point to try and make after someone knocks my teeth out for wearing such a T-shirt.
So, yeah, also bad attitude – or most especially mood, and particularly combined with distraction – or more exactly just not paying attention, that can potentially be hazardous to gravely dangerous.  E.g. traffic.  Signal says “walk”, step off curb and walk – BZZZZT – wrong answer.  Just ’cause the signal says walk, doesn’t mean the two vehicles still barreling through the intersection at high speed, and the third one about to blow the red light and chase ’em on through the intersection give a sh*t about the walk signal I’ve got or are at all inclined to hit the brakes should a pedestrian step in front of them – after all, they’re pushing the gas to try and beat the light … if they’re even so much as paying attention to it.  So, yeah, catching myself with highly sucky mood, not paying attention, and stepping or nearly stepping in front of such traffic – despite whatever the damn signal happens to also tell the idiot drivers out there – not a good thing; shouldn’t be making, or nearly making that mistake.  And, “I don’t care”, or “I don’t care, at least I’d feel something.” – yeah, wrong attitude.  Being smashed by traffic is definitely a feeling I could quite do without.  So, yeah, gotta try ‘n keep that attitude in check.  Feeling like crud is one thing, but no use also being stupid about it.

This blog posting is getting too damn long – and I’ve only covered very roughly about half – if that, of what I’ve in mind to address.  Guess I’ll cover more of it later … if ever?  But one more bit before I “wrap” this one up.

“Do something”.  Yeah, do something … almost anything!  Much … well, at least significantly better than “nothing at all”, or merely filling in time.  And the social stuff, pretty close to tortuous.  Not that I’m necessarily or exactly giving up on that, but … really do need more to do than mostly just feeling like I’m beating my head against the wall over and over again.  So, … stick my head into something else.  Something I enjoy?  Yeah, right … got fair bit of a problem with that lately.  So, well, screw that, come up with an action plan and do something anyway.  So, … got more technical stuff to bury my head into.  Do I like it?  Well, my mood’s been crud lately, so, haven’t really been enjoying hardly anything at all.  So, not like I dislike it, but no, not “enjoyment”.  But what the hell, something to do, anyway, and something other than torturing myself with trying at social stuff.  Just bury my head and attentions in some technical stuff.  Master yet another technical skill – whatever, I do that dang well.  Not that it exactly makes me “happy”, but hey, at least it’s something I can not only do and do well, but rather to exceedingly well – beat the hell out’a failing over and over and over and over and over and over and over again – despite whole helluva lot of effort to try and succeed.  So, … more focus on sh*t I can and do actually do dang well.  Whatever, maybe it’ll earn me yet more money (though that’s not an issue) and I could potentially retire even sooner – if I want … though to do what in retirement, who the hell knows – other than “not working”, can’t say I’ve really got much of anything yet that I’m looking forward to in retirement.  Yeah, would be nice to have some dreams, fantasies, etc.  My “fantasies” have been degraded to pretty dang minimal stuff (like maybe even having bit of a nice conversation?  Or maybe like more than a hug or two or three a year – if that?) – pro’lly ’cause those seem more probable to be attainable.  Stuff like “wonderful relationship, get engaged, married, live happily ever after” … yeah, not even hangin’ out in my fantasies or even dreams in more recent months/year(s) … just seems way too damn improbable – if not “impossible”.  Damn, there’s that messed up attitude (and mood) rearin’ its ugly head again – or consequence thereof.  Anyway “do something” – so I can – at least also, do some more burying my head into yet more technical stuff.  Whatever, at least it’s “something”, a helluva lot less painful than the social sh*t, and … dang, I’m even rather to quite good at it – even if I’m not exactly able to presently enjoy it.  Whatever, at least it’s something.

More (mostly cr*p) later.  Yeah, about 4 hours to write and edit this blog entry – and at that a relatively piss poor job of it.  Now, if I put about 16 hours into it, … it would be, … well, … fairly decent or so, but still not all that great.  Of course that’s only about half the material I’d want to cover for a single day.  Sure, … just need 32 hours a day to cover the blog bits – and written well, then another 24 for life or whatever, … Yeah, not really so much blogging ’cause I “want” to (do I even really want to at all?), or even ought to … really mostly just need to – nowhere else to go with it – no conversation to be had or the like.  And so it goes.


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One Response to “random”

  1. the single melbournian Says:

    That’s really quite sad about the tapes. Irreplaceable :(

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