Archive for April, 2013

I don’t wanna

2013-04-29 06:43:09 PDT

Okay, so mood could definitely be better (hey, there’s always room for improvement), but regardless, particularly as-of-late (though it hasn’t changed all that much recently, either), feeling a lot of “I don’t wanna” – mostly just a lot of not motivated. E.g. …

I don’t wanna …

  • sleep
  • go back to sleep
  • dream
  • stop dreaming
  • stop sleeping
  • get up
  • get ready for work
  • eat breakfast
  • skip breakfast
  • get in the shower
  • get out of the shower
  • leave home
  • go to work
  • face people
  • interact with people
  • talk with people
  • interact/talk with people and not connect
  • be alone
  • have nobody and no one
  • be not connected – whether alone or surrounded
  • work
  • take lunch
  • come back from lunch
  • take a break
  • end a break
  • snack
  • not snack
  • stop working
  • leave work
  • be/stay at work
  • be paid to do essentially nothing ’cause someone else ain’t got their act together
  • be not paid to do essentially nothing ’cause someone else ain’t got their act together
  • deal with folks that ain’t got their sh*t together, notably if they stick it in my way
  • deal with my sh*t, especially if it ain’t together (but I’ll try not to put it in anyone else’s way)
  • go home
  • be home
  • eat
  • stop eating
  • have Friday evening and weekend – no work – or shouldn’t be working
  • have nothing I wish to do on the weekend that I can, or in my “social life” (what social life?) or free time, etc.
  • go out, do/be social
  • stay in
  • be asocial
  • feel I’ll fail again and again, at most anything social
  • fail again and again, at most anything social
  • have no clue why I quite fail at things social
  • have no one tell me or show me why I fail at things social
  • have nothing but disappointments – so much effort, so little to show for it
  • be without ever having a “date” – or even anything possibly close
  • be disappointed over and over and over, essentially always, with any and all “dates”
  • not know why they (“dates”, etc.) failed, and almost never be told
  • be in a close serious relationship for well over 5 years with definitely the wrong person
  • be in what seemed a “perfect” relationship, for not even 2 months, then miss it terribly for decades
  • miss those much less than 2 months, regardless … and forever
  • try again more than 2 decades later, and have it not work, in less than half the time
  • not try
  • know someone over 16 years, be in love with them over 13 years, be engaged to them over 8 years, be over 1,000 miles apart most all of that time, not see or touch them for over 4 years, never really even live together, and have it all essentially end
  • have missed out on all that
  • do all that again, or anything close
  • not still love her
  • forget
  • remember
  • lose a most excellent friend because he died
  • forget him – ever
  • keep missing him – forever I always will
  • lose a friend to severe and highly problematic mental illness (might otherwise miss her, but too painful, problematic, and dangerous)
  • be receiving credible death threats from a highly unwell ex-friend
  • have zero or close to zero real friends
  • fail to appreciate what I have
  • have unavailable (or nearly so) friends (but unavailable is better than non-existent)
  • feel like unavailable is (nearly) non-existent
  • feel so damn alone and unconnected
  • spend the rest of my life alone
  • have sex on average for a span of less than 3 weeks per decade
  • feel so damn untouchable
  • be so damn “untouchable” / not reached
  • feel like I’m mostly just unenjoyably (or neutrally) filling in time ’till I die
  • feel like I’m waiting for something to happen – with no idea what and nothing being looked forward to
  • feel like I’m waiting for my life to happen
  • not f*ckin’ care or feel I don’t care
  • have nothing I really care about to live for or look forward to
  • have an attitude that sucks
  • have a mood that sucks – especially if it persists
  • have writing that sucks, especially if I wish anyone might actually read and comprehend it
  • feel like it doesn’t matter
  • be interested in nothing or nearly nothing
  • motivated by or towards nothing, or nearly nothing
  • face the workweek yet again
  • not hear from my dad yet again, after about my 85th consecutive communication attempt with no response
  • have my sister not call me back, after I leave yet another voicemail for her yet again
  • watch my mom’s health steadily and too quickly decline as she does little to take care of herself
  • feel nothing
  • not care to feel something – anything
  • hold back the tears
  • stop the tears
  • be unable to cry
  • be unable to stop crying
  • be unable to feel
  • feel numb
  • continue writing this
  • stop writing this
  • be undecided
  • be wrongly decided
  • fail to properly consider and decide

(etc., & lather, rinse, repeat)

And, as I polish off and round out this blog entry some days later, feeling slightly better … but … only slightly. Mood still pretty sucky, motivation mostly quite lacking – really motivation on/for much of anything. But hey, at least it sometimes is a bit better … at least for a little while, anyway.

And maybe this piece is quite unfinished – maybe I’ll add more to it later, or edit/revise or otherwise update. Or maybe I just won’t.

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You know your life sucks, when …

2013-04-23 04:10:27 PDT

Okay, not to be taken too seriously, but

“You know your life sucks, when …”

It’s Sunday, not too far into Sunday, but certainly well into the weekend.  You find yourself looking forward to work Monday.  Not because the work or Monday’s work is all that great, no, not at all, it’s just okay.  Okay, dreading it too, but also quite looking forward to it.  It’s just that, well, compared to the non-work life and one’s weekend … work, pleasant distraction?  No, more like slightly (seemingly) preferable distraction from the void of one’s life.  And, most of the workweek, one looks forward to the weekend and even evenings, ’cause, well, it’s not work, and the work is far from enthralling.  <sigh>

Connections, interactions – find that highly lacking.  So, one goes out, interacts, does some volunteer stuff, talks with some folks, some fresh air and sunshine even.  And, well, certainly at least for the most part (with zero to negligible exception), feel like one’s still (and quite objectively) isn’t really making any “connections” – no real traction “there” … or … really quite anywhere.  Really nothing, or not much, beyond idle chit-chat.  Some faces, some chit-chat, maybe slight bit more, maybe some first names, and then … nothing.  And, … after, doing/attempting, over, and over, and over and over and over, ad nauseum, really, is it even worth trying, and trying again, and again, and again, and again and again, etc.?  Hardly seems worth it – if at all.  Really gets to be kind’a to quite tiring/exhausting/depressing after a while, particularly when essentially the same pattern repeats over and over and over and over, with little to nothing (mostly lots of nothing) to show for it.  Why bother trying?  After all, it does quite feel like just repeatedly banging head into a brick wall.  Is there some point to it?

The most exciting thing of your evening/night, is when, at 2:54 A.M. your smoke detector battery wants to be replaced.  And it’s not that exiting – at all.  But you were already awake anyway, before it gave that first “chirp”.

And, what would life be without humor, or … at least irony?  So, … communication – damn important to me.  Call it essential need.  Touch – human touch – call that at least highly important “want” with me … can survive without, but surviving isn’t the same as living.  So, most friggin’ fantastic wonderful of friends.  :-)  Ain’t that great!  :-)  Yup, love that friend!  Uhm, but … through no one’s fault at all … communication … severely limited, and touch?  Nope, not even like a handshake or a pat on the back.  Again, nobody’s fault at all, but just how it needs be.  Ah, the friggin’ irony of it, though, eh?  “Oh well”, despite such limitations – even in crucial area(s), damn good friggin’ fantastic friend beats the hell out’a zero friends – which was essentially where I was about a year ago.

Dreams, fantasies?  Hopes, expectations?  When you find your fantasies have been “adjusted” from, well, living happily and closely with someone you’re very much in love with and highly compatible with, to … marginally interacting, but interacting a bit more, with someone you actually quite like and get along with quite well, because, well, even though the latter seems rather to highly improbable, it seems a helluva lot more “realistic” (if even not so) and probable than the former – which seems and feels so absurdly improbable as to be not only utterly unattainable, but, not even anywhere close to possible.

And so it goes.

Welcome to my life.

random bit on touch

2013-04-21 19:53:47 PDT

Some bits from Hide – the latest episode of Doctor Who – which I just saw today.  Some quote bits:

Professor Alec Palmer: What do we do now?
Doctor Who: Hold hands. That’s what you’re meant to do, keep doing that, and don’t let go. That’s the secret.

“Awww, isn’t that sweet?” Uhm, yeah, whatever. We are a very touch-oriented species. We don’t do particularly well when lacking or mostly lacking that physical contact.  But I was thinking, certainly at least hypothetically, would we do rather to much better if we didn’t need/want that physical contact?  Yeah, sure, part of what makes us “human”, but would we be, or could we be, better without it?  Maybe we’ll evolve to not need or want such physical contact – and be better for it.  Not that we ought be disconnected, or more so, but maybe there ought be no need for that connection to be physical at all.  After all, what really matters is on the inside – the person, nature, character, etc.  Not the packaging, not the touch, not the looks.  Maybe, some day we might be a whole lot better off if we had zero need or desire on the physical contact or physical characteristics.  Well, we’re likely yet, if not decades or centuries, more likely millennia or more away from that.  But maybe we’ll quite get there – and be better for it.

What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I make friends, etc.? So much lack of connection, touch, etc.

2013-04-21 18:34:15 PDT

<sigh>  Why’s it so damn hard?  So damn hard, that is, for me to make friends – let alone “more than friends”.  What am I doing wrong, and why will no one tell me?  It’s almost as if I’ve got some huge ugly unignorable disfigurement, scar, marks, and major discoloration and such across my face, but folks are “too polite” to tell me, and it’s completely invisible to me – I look, scrutinize, and can’t see it at all.  But like it’s not some appearance thing or the like(?) … but it’s me.  And hard, as in … not that it’s easy or trivial for me to try hard – sure, I can do that, and do do that.  No, hard as in results – or most notably quite major lack thereof.  That near total lack of results, … year after year, decade after decadethat – that is what is so damn hard!  Way too f*ckin’ isolated and alone, despite all my work and efforts to the contrary.  And yeah it f*ckin’ hurts.  Sort’a death by a thousand (or more like a million or more) papercuts.  Any one by itself, no big deal – nearly a nothing.  But the cumulative impact … yeah, that friggin’ hurts like hell.

Counseling, therapy, training – e.g. communications, etc.?  Done a fair bit ‘o that.  Sure as hell tried a lot.  Does it work, does it help, is it useful.  Yes and no. More knowledge, more tools, more techniques, more things to pay attention to and work on.  Do all that and … results?  Mostly just burn a whole lot more time/energy/resources for results that are … nearly the same, if not indistinguishable.  It’s not like all that doesn’t help.  Probably most usefully makes me fair bit more optimistic, and the quite sucky results more bearable/tolerable.  And more knowledge/tools and the like.  But, other than that?  Can’t really say it helps.

Years of OkCupid now … haven’t even made it up to holding hands – let alone so much as a single kiss, … sex?  Yeah, right – I’ll keep dreaming – gotta have some hope, anyway.  Haven’t even had so much as a “date” or even casual meeting of such potential, at all thus far this year – not a one.  Sex, touch, … yeah, been highly sucky (essentially no) results in that department.  Not much of anything, and for far too long – with little exception.  A dang hug once in a while would be good – but far too rare I even get that.  Yeah, the stats are depressingly bleak.  Hmmmm, like sex, as in actually have intercourse – to be that close?  In about the last 15 years, that’s only happened with one person for one brief period (much less than a span of a month).  And even that wasn’t some “hot new romance”.  No.  It was an “old fling” … go figure … after more than two decades she “suddenly” became very interested in me again – out of the blue.  Suffice it to say it didn’t work … again – only lasted about half as long as it did that over two decades earlier.  (And not to say in that case anything wrong with “me”, or “her”, more just a matter of not the right “fit” – at least the more recent time around.)  15 years?  Yeah, about that long.  Not sure precisely on how long.  It’s not like that time I had sex some approximately 15 years ago I marked the date, thinking “Ah, yeah, might not do that again for another 10 or 15 years or more.”  No, not at all, didn’t think anything all that highly exceptional about it at the time – like it wouldn’t happen again, with her, or someone else, and relatively soon again – certainly not decade(s), probably not even year(s) … more like month(s) or so … or so I thought.

So, what is it, why is it not working?  I do manage to have / strike up “casual” conversations.  Not that I’m particularly or especially adept at it, but I manage that, and rather to quite well enough.  But far too damn friggin’ rare that I manage to find myself much – if at all – beyond that.  Certainly not like I don’t try – even try like hell.  Sure as heck try to be – and am – helpful, useful, supportive, etc.  Make myself quite available.  Make contact efforts, relatively freely offer or give my contact information and opportunity to continue/build the communication/dialog/contact and … nothing.  I just don’t hear back – or that’s most always the case.  Or, if not that, I do, … for a while, and … it drops off to nothing … nothing but “excuses” and avoidance, anyway.

Aim higher?  Aim lower?  Aimless?  Try harder?  Try not so hard?  Be yourself.  Be truthful.  I am.  Lie, don’t be truthful or so truthful – huh?  Screw that latter advice.  ‘Tis not me, and doesn’t work for me – never much tried, and generally quite suck at lying and never been effective at it – with little exception (lying to protect someone – that I can do, and sometimes do, when there are significant/strong moral/ethical reasons to do so – but even then I highly prefer not to lie, and will more often, and as much as feasible, simply just not say, or deflect, rather than lie).  Attitude and expectations do matter.  “But”, hasn’t made much difference at all – at least in terms of “results”.  Mostly just makes the non-results more bearable.  Aim higher/lower, try harder / not so hard?  All seems to have made negligible difference.  Aimless?  Yeah, goal(s), passion(s) … more of that would be a good thing.

And it’s not like I don’t try – even try quite a bit, sometimes helluva lot.  Do put myself out there, interact with folks, converse, volunteer, work on building connections.  But all the same, results – mostly to entirely lacking.  Maybe it’s a numbers “game” … though definitely not a “game”.  Do try more, put myself out there more … does tip the odds more so in my favor – certainly compared to not being or putting myself out there at all.  It’s not like someone’s gonna dig me out of my “cave” and discover me – well, pretty darn unlikely anyway – certainly at least if I’m not “out there” at all, or otherwise “exposed”.  And, so, well, it does tend to be (mostly) quite, even very highly, draining after a while.  Especially in cumulative effect (or affect – English sucks).

Intermission – time to go stuff my face.  Not that I’m overweight (though might do with losing a few pounds and/or converting a few pounds to well toned muscle, or some of both).  Actually, I’m down roughly 10 to 15 lbs. or so from my “peak weight” – which also wasn’t exactly overweight, but could do with a bit of trimming or the like.  But it’s been about 45 hours since I ate hardly anything. so, time to take in some relatively decent sustenance.  Yeah, particularly when my mood is somewhat to rather or more down, I tend not to get hungry (or easily full/satiated).  Ah, 10 to 15 lbs.?  I really don’t know how much, precisely or more accurately – don’t own a scale, don’t presently have ready access to a scale.  And how’d I lose that what was then about 10 lbs. or so?  Yeah, feelin’ more-or-less like cr*p.  Highly sucky “diet” plan – but I won’t complain about the weight loss results.  Anyway, back from relatively nutritional (and caloric) sustenance – even a bit of fresh air and sunshine and out a bit (generally not bad things) … but already got some sunburn from yesterday (which was Saturday) … don’t really need to overdo that either.  And that time out today – yeah, hardly spoke a word to anyone – really nothing beyond a service transaction … and mostly except for same, nobody said a thing to me … sure, one person said thank you when I preemptively moved out of that person’s way, and some folks on the street hit me up for cash/change/cigarettes – but other than that, nobody said a word to me.  Sometimes I go days or more, without so much as a single word to or from anyone.  Anyway, back from “intermission” – body refueled with some adequate nutritional/caloric sustenance, but as for fueling the psyche, mind, or “soul” or what have you, heck, or anything approaching something as basic as human touch … yeah, still need to work on that … a lot … and/or grumble/gripe/vent about it a lot – not that that does much, but neither does working damn hard at it seem to do much either.

My what a rather poorly evolved species we are.  Connection, touch, so damn important to our well being, yet we manage to so separate ourselves from that.  Highly endemic in our so called “civilization” – really not all that civil at all.  Heck, most all species of animals generally do better at that than we humans do.

Well, attitude does matter.  Most notably for making the pain much more bearable … maybe even lessens it?  What do I do, try?  Not much left.  Mostly shot-in-the-dark.  Try some reaching out here ‘n there, … and wait, and see, … listen to the deafening long silence of no reply or response at all – as that’s generally the reaction I get.

And yes I know my writing is pretty sucky.  Can’t be especially bothered about it presently – really just don’t care that much; sorry, but is what it is.  I mean there’s one whole person on the planet I know that actually bothers to read my blogs.  Takes plenty of time/effort/resource as it is, just to write/blog what I do – trying to actually write it well, well, that would up the time/effort/resource burn by about a factor of 5 or so … I just don’t have it in me, or to spare. And no, I haven’t yet managed to write rather to quite well in an efficient manner.  So, … is what it is.  And even if I wrote it all splendidly well.  So what?  Maybe I’d have a hundred or two hundred or more people read my blogs.  So friggin’ what?  Still only one person I know at all reading any of this.  Besides, I’m looking for connection and understanding.  Not a blog audience.  Ah, yeah, but … “wrong” place to look.  Really generally ought not to expect to find that “here” – on blog, that is – at least generally.  Even all the reading I’ve done of the blogs of others, and copious commenting/feedback and the like.  Connections out of that?  Pretty darn negligible – and only people I’ve never met, and probably never would meet in person … heck, don’t think even a single such person living within 100 miles of me – probably not even within 1,000 miles.  And no, really not interested in long distance relationship or “pen pals” or the like … not that I don’t care or whatever, but have had my (over)fill of that – takes way too much time/effort/resource, and far too damn not connected.  Really mostly only “use” and resort to that when there’s nothing better at all for me … which … is far too often the case.

So, … what else do I do?  Fill time.  For lack of better, too often feels like I’m filling time ’till I die – not like I’m in any rush, or that would improve things, but,  haven’t been particularly passionate about much of anything.  So, … I do stuff like … besides work on (and moan and groan about) friendships and relationships (or more specifically lack thereof), pour my head/time/energy into work/professional stuff and quasi-related stuff.  Maybe because that’s all I’m competent at in my life?  Well, so I’m highly competent in it.  But, … satisfaction, “drive”, passion?  Naw, mostly missing.  Just something to less painfully fill in the void.  Okay, so I’m highly competent at being a friend … companion, supporter, lover, etc.  Lot ‘o folks do quite appreciate me.  But at becoming a friend – let alone more – now that, I seem to somehow highly suck at.  Why is that?

Well, enough “rambling” for now.  Time for me to shut up for a while.  Sometime I think I ought to just friggin’ give up, and (try to) accept it as it is – that I’m alone – very alone – and may always be that way.  Already past 50, never married, never cohabitated, had very few friends or relationships in my life, and have spent most of my life with that being rather to highly lacking.  Maybe I ought just “accept” that, and try and live on as some disconnected automaton.  Okay, maybe a relatively nice one, but one quite unconnected, and highly likely to remain so forever.

to blog, or not to blog?

2013-04-20 21:11:15 PDT

To blog, or not to blog?  A question I kind’a find myself recently pondering a bit more.

Why blog – for me, to blog that is?  Why do I question “it” – or my blogging?  Not so much the what to blog – and not blog, and when, where, how, etc.  Rather or not the (mostly) to blog at all, or not, and why?

I think I find myself asking myself the wrong question, or looking at it the “wrong” way.  Disappointed?  Yes, often much.  Wanting connection, communication, interaction, and mostly quite highly lacking such.  Blog is not the answer for that.  Not that the answer is “wrong”, no, rather it’s the wrong question!

What, at least mostly, is the blogging for – at least for me in my case?  Mostly it’s a place to “communicate” – more like vent, dump, express, and most notably when it’s got no where else to go!  When there just isn’t anyone I can talk with/to … nobody close/available – far too generally the case.  So, … for lack of better, … at least some fair bit of that goes to blog.  It’s really mostly not about interaction.  I keep wishing that were here, but I shouldn’t expect that it is or would be.  It’s mostly just dumping/pouring out into the ether – off into the void.  Shouldn’t expect a response.  Certainly shouldn’t expect “connection”.

So, maybe if I look at it that way … in proper context – a place for stuff to go, put, be expressed, when it’s got no where else to go, well, … then it’s … okay, I guess.  Really shouldn’t expect more than that.  “Okay”.  I guess that at least beats less than okay.

Quiz: Are You A Brogrammer?

2013-04-03 19:07:51 PDT

“Random” data point.  So, I took the “Are You a Brogrammer?” quiz.  I got:
Your Broficiency Quotient (BQ) is
-65
…making you a
Geek

Well, I think I’d classify myself as nerd, rather than geek, but whatever.  A.k.a. “I is a nerd!”  :-)  Certainly not nerdly in all regards, but definitely many (and certainly not only and stereotypically so, but do have many nerdly traits/correlations).

And what motivated me to take that quiz?  Plentyoffish (PoF) – It wants me to update my profile.  First item it shows me is “Describe your personality in one word”. It offers me 52 choices, one of them being “Brogrammer”.  Wasn’t particularly sure what that was, so, Google … top two “hits” (search results), the first link to definition(s), the second, link to aforementioned quiz.  So, I take the quiz.  And subsequently looking at definitions – yeah, I’m not a “brogrammer”.  Don’t think I ever care to be some style piece for someone to hang on their arm.  Just not me.  I’m into substance, not flash.

And what the heck was I doing on PoF?  Well, still (mostly) backtracing (going backwards) here, had been a long time (many months or more – probably closer to a year) since I’d logged onto PoF, and also, with relatively negligible exceptions, been quite long (several months or more) since I’d logged onto OkCupid.  And, what the heck was I doing logging into those sites again?  Well, a few considerations/factors.  An acquaintance recommended/suggested PoF (I actually reencountered this acquaintance on OkCupid – having known this acquaintance from years ago, both before Facebook, and also a bit via Facebook).  So, PoF being one of the (at least potentially useful) “free” “dating” sites, and since I already had account on there, I figured I’d also hop back on there – but perhaps more so OkCupid, but in either case, both.  And why bother getting back on either of them at all?  Well, because I’ve been meeting quite absolutely no one … nobody at all.  Haven’t had a “date”, or even something like a casual (e.g. first) meeting approximating such since … geez, last year.  Haven’t even had a communication exchange possibly leading to such since last year – excepting one message I got on OkCupid, which I replied to, and never heard back (par for the course, rarely receive messages, and when I reply, about 90% of the time I never hear back – seems that’s generally the case for straight males on on-line “dating” sites).

Anyway, I figure nothin’s gonna happen, or at least that’s most likely the case, if I don’t even so much as try.  So figured I’d try … at least some wee bit.  Do not want it to be some huge resource/time burn/sink (as that tends to suck even lots more – especially with essentially zero results).  But I figure what the heck, maybe at least update/tweak/”complete” my profile some reasonable bit more.  And then?  And then maybe just friggin’ leave it – pretty much sit back and watch the mostly nothing that happens.  But hey, mostly nothing is a wee bit better than nothing.  And maybe too, chance to practice and exercise my writing and marketing skills a bit.  Okay, so my marketing skills pretty much suck, but … whatever.  Bit ‘o practice probably won’t kill me, anyway.

And so it goes.

Still need to find more effective ways to try.  This on-line dating stuff, at least for me, has mostly sucked quite highly – with negligible exception (far too much time/resource, far too little positive result).

What went wrong? (I wish I knew) – “Failed” “relationships”

2013-04-01 05:06:57 PDT

So, most relationships – heck, even dates or the like, don’t go on forever.  They generally “fail”, in one way or another.  But why?  What went “wrong”?

I wish I knew … more anyway.  Sure, in some relatively few cases I know.  Haven’t been in a whole lot of “relationships” per se anyway.  But, among the more significant, I generally knew (or eventually found out) what went “wrong”.  Not to say there’s “wrong” as in “right” vs. “wrong”, but generally matter of something didn’t fit and/or other factors/circumstances/considerations – not that I necessarily knew, but just saying, it’s not a value judgement, just more a question of “Why?”, and understanding.  But, a lot more than “relationships”.  Even dates.  Why was there no Nth date?  Things seemed (typically/generally) to be going so well.  (And where N may be arbitrarily small number – even 1).

Don’t want to be too identifyable/identifying, but let’s do an, at least approximate, inventory of those I know the “break up” (or break off) reasons, and here by count of occurrences:

  • 4: not a good fit (typically broke off early, often before much if anything even started – possibly excepting if I was much younger and quite inexperienced)
  • 3: (mostly) external circumstances – notably major factors besides just “us” prevented and/or changed things (and sometimes radically so)
  • 1: I was used and discarded (was never interested in me)
  • 1: not capable of healthy relationship

I suppose the latter two could possibly be generalized and put under “not a good fit”, but they were really much more specific than that.

What about all the others?  Like all the dates I’ve ever been on – or heck, even tried to have?  No clue.  Really just do not know.  Yeah, sure, I’ve asked, often do.  But most won’t answer – or they’ll lie – even if it’s a “white lie” – but most typically won’t say what it is/was – though I’ve generally known (or gotten) answer in the more significant cases (e.g. relationships – don’t think there remain any major unknowns there).  But dates?  For the most part, no friggin’ clue.  Vast majority of dates, never made it to the 3rd date.  Maybe most or all of those were cases where she thought “not a good fit” or something like that, … I dunno – I really don’t.  Never been told.  In the (very) small number of cases where it’s been 3 or more dates?  Well, other than those that were (or became) relationship, with negligible (like one) exception don’t know.  E.g. it’d all seem to be going along fine, if not great, and then … nothing.  Typically a bunch of consecutive consistent non-responses (no responses to calls, voice-mail, email, etc.), or excuses, e.g. “busy”.  But not like, “Oh, sorry, I’m busy now and will be for about …, call me back around … or if I don’t call you then, please call me then!” … no, just … “busy” … over and over, time and time again – and mostly without explaining what that “busy” is.  Or similar strings of excuses which – after a while, just don’t wash (if they can’t make it then but are interested, they’ll express interest, and work towards alternative times/days – if they’re not interested, they won’t – it’ll just be an endless string of similar excuses).  So, yeah, vast majority of cases – really most any date, or even attempt thereof, in my life, excepting those few (dates/relationships) where I know, … have quite no idea why they weren’t interested, or lost/dropped interest.  The “(mostly) external circumstances” is quite a bugger.  Three relationships (or at least potentials thereof) there.  Probably one to three of those could and would have worked and gone excellently, maybe even excellently “forever” – were it not for major external factors that prevented such.  Insurmountable?  Perhaps not, but would’ve required one friggin’ helluva lot of unilateral and/or bilateral sacrifice and change – and changes of sufficient magnitude that either or both parties weren’t willing to make that much sacrifice or take that huge a risk – even for a great (or potentially great) relationship.  And the “not a good fit” – those were very significantly not a good fit.  They never would’a worked and would’a been a helluva battle to try and coerce them to “fit”.  Ya know the kind’a “better than nothing” relationship?  Yeah, not even that good.  Where the nothing is better than the “relationship”, it is not good – so, yeah, those were quite not the fit.  And that’s not a whole lot of “relationships” – 9 total, for being over 50 years old now.  And of those 9, many of those wouldn’t even typically qualify as “relationship” – some were “only” on the order of a few dates or so, or less.  Only 2 of ’em span a period of more than a couple months or so – so, yeah, if we filter it down to “long term relationships”, there’s a grand total of 2 … but that’s rather off-topic.

So, I really don’t know “what went wrong” in most cases.  Probably never will.  Mostly just have to let it go … repeatedly.  I typically bother to ask, but not always.  In any case, most of the time I don’t get an answer or response.  Most of the time when I do get one, it’s not true.  But sometimes I do actually get the truth, which I do quite appreciate – even if it might happen to sting a bit.  And wee bit ‘o sting generally hurts much less than forever not knowing.  But mostly I get forever not knowing.  “Oh well” – can’t know everything (or in some cases even much).

I could use a marketing department

2013-04-01 04:04:21 PDT

So, came up in some recent communications.  E.g./notably relationship, and my quite(!) lack thereof.  I could certainly do with a marketing department.  I don’t “market” or (particularly or hardly at all) “promote” myself well at all – or more so, rather than poorly, I mostly just don’t – period.

So, doesn’t exactly serve my own best self-interest on the dating/relationship front (e.g. zero dates so far this year – not even anything close to a near miss yet).  Or does it?  Whole friggin’ lot of time, energy, attention, resources, poured into generally quite disappointing results – surely quite disappointing net results – tends to be pretty dang depressing after a while – not to mention all the resource burn for naught.

Very roughly paraphrasing (I’m not going to quote – don’t want to be too identifyable), other said to me I’m excellent, and if I believe in myself I’ll be self-promoting.  I guess that’s at least partly true.  Maybe I ought believe in myself more strongly?  Does seem to at least somewhat work.  A couple select “random” examples.  Quite accomplished in my career / job skills.  Last time I interviewed (okay, so I was not passionate about it), I didn’t even prep for the interview at all really (were it an opportunity I was quite excited about, I certainly would have preped at least some fair bit), I was relatively sought out (I didn’t work hard at all to turn up the opportunity), I found the interview quite easy for me (that’s been the case for about a decade or more now, with exceedingly rare exception) aced out the competition (beat all other interviewing candidates), they offered me the job.  Last interview before when I took job was fairly similar – hardest questions I found quite easy – Sr. person there interviewing me was so satisfied with how I answered, and the questions I asked about the question, said person was like, “I’m satisfied” – and we spent the remainder of the time casually talking about the work environment and company.  (Technically) two consecutive times before that there was no interview – my reputation preceded me, they wanted me, was just a matter of details such as when and compensation, then it was a done deal.  The one before that, “toughest” question (the “hard tough ‘killer’ question” they asked all their candidates) I found to be highly easy and I answered it exceedingly well (and their other questions were even easier than that).  Chronologically before that?  Interviewed, offered the job, interviewed, offered the job, tested – top score of about 25+ candidates, interviewed, offered job, interviewed, offered job, interviewed, offered job.  Okay, missing 2 minor exceptions among all those, but that’s been the typical pattern, anyway.  Uh, I said “one”? … well, one set, anyway.  Other example.  Relationships.  Okay, so maybe I highly lack at getting into them (or hell, even a date!), but for those very few that ever got so far as to actually know me rather to quite well, well, I’d say they’ve generally been quite to highly satisfied.  Haven’t had much in the way of significant complaints there (if there were even any that were that significant in the way of complaints?).  Not exactly a major self-marketing success there on the relationship front – but at least if/when I’ve made it fairly far along (e.g. person actually knows me rather to quite well), things generally seem to go dang well from there.  So I guess that sort’a kind’a counts as self-marketing.

So, I guess there’s some self-marketing that goes on that works at least fairly well.  But could work a lot better!  E.g. career stuff – I’ve probably, even for being quite “top of my game” and “top of the heap” at what I generally do – probably still have significantly undershot what I could be aiming for and doing (e.g. one knowledgeable friend thinks I ought to be making about thrice what I do by aiming somewhat higher and being a bit more flexible regarding some types of opportunities).  Likewise on the relationship front – or heck, geez, a mere date!  Okay, maybe I’m at least theoretically a bit envious of women that can, e.g. put their profile on OkCupid and be dating a different guy every week (’till they’re sick of it after a year or so … heck, don’t know that I’ve dated (or even met for a possible date!) 50 or more different women in my entire life let alone within a year’s time!).  Anyway, definitely room for optimization there.  But not about marketing ‘better’ or more.  About marketing smarter.  If it burns a whole lot of resource/time etc., with negligible to zero (or even negative!) results, then that is not useful or good investment of resource.  So, yeah, marketing – gotta do what works well – for me – and that’s probably not dating 50 different women in a year’s time – one excellent match and I could be well set … so, … should whittle that 49 others down to a much more manageable number?  Perhaps very much so.  Uhm, … not that I’ve got a 49 or 50 to whittle down from, but, at least theoretically, were there 49 queued up, I think I’d get pretty sick of poor fits long before I could make it through 50 of ’em.  Need a lot more to be at least reasonably in the ballpark – if not dang close.  Otherwise I’ll likely get pretty sick of it pretty quick (hypothetically speaking anyway – never exactly had that “problem” of that many women, that often).  Something to be said for efficiency, though, of not expending(/wasting) “too much” effort.  Last time around (at least thus far) looking for next career opportunity – did only a fairish job of updating my resume … but that was “good enough”.  After all, purpose of resume is to get interview – after that the resume isn’t all that important.  So, sure, resume could’ve been much better (and still could be) – but … was that important?  Could well be argued it wasn’t important.  Maybe similar on, e.g. OkCupid.  Maybe I ought not try – or try that much – there, or similar places.  Maybe try “too hard”, and all I find is really poor fits anyway?  I dunno.  So, … those that know me well generally tend to quite like me.  But exceedingly few ever know me well at all.  Hmmmm, how to bridge that gap?  And “marketing” doesn’t seem to be the answer for that, either.  Not only do I tend to relatively suck at marketing, and marketing of myself, but it’s relatively contrary to my nature.  Rather like me marketing me inherently projects something that’s not quite me – so “doomed” to not work so well, eh?

So, … how does one effectively market such a, uh, marketing-resistant product?  Surely must be some marketing experts that know the answer to that!  :-)  So, have a product (me), that many ‘consumers’ want (I’ll settle for one good one), but where most consumers don’t recognize that, and product, which, when most conventional marketing means are used (e.g. self-promotion), the marketing tends to not work or not work well?  Hmmmmm…. guerilla or viral marketing?  I dunno.

What *am* I passionate about?

2013-04-01 02:47:36 PDT

So, I recently posed question to a friend: “What are you passionate about?”  Well, turnabout is fair play?  Regardless, seems fair I be asked that same question.  Typically good to also take one’s one suggestions/recommendations/advice, too – dose of one’s own medicine and all that.

What am I passionate about?  Can’t really think of anything I’m passionate about.  Interested in?  Sure.  Care about?  Quite definitely.  But, passionate about?  Can’t think of anything that “rises to” or is at that level for me – at least currently or relatively recently.

I guess my mood, interest, “passion” has been a bit down since, oh, roughly around breakup of a long-term long-distance relationship … that was around the middle of 2012.  But it’d been since earlish 2008 since we’d even so much as seen each other, so, well, especially the last year or so of it, seemed quite heading towards a “break up” anyway – as I think things quite weren’t progressing as either of us wanted it to.  (Long distance sucks, but that’s a whole ‘nother topic.)  So, did breakup, etc. “cause” a … loss of “passion”?  Or, … was that more like a symptom of such?  I don’t think it’s at all nearly as simple as an “either or” – nowhere close.  But probably at least significantly interrelated.  All that time apart (over 4 years!) was significantly demotivational – particularly as it went on, and on, for so long.  But that’s more to do with the “relationship” itself and it’s impact on that, but also, that’s certainly not unrelated to how I felt in general.  Anyway, felt particularly like crud after that breakup (and way too dang alone – not that I felt a helluva lot less alone in the year or so before that breakup – but the breakup brought that feeling – and reality – a heck of a lot more home).  Anyway, bounced back fair bit since then.  Uhm, no, not like relationship(s) – ah, to be so lucky.  Nope.  But, at least not so much feeling like crud, anyway.  But passionate?  About anything?  Was I ever before?  Oh, probably at least more so, anyway … yeah, at least certainly relatively and relatively arguably so.

And what, if anything, is (so) important about passionate anyway?  E.g. why did I pose the question to friend?  Well, mostly a matter of drivers, inspiration, mood, etc.  Good to be passionate about something(s).  Tend to be more interested, productive, feel better, and that generally tends to help out a lot in general and for everyone involved.  And most notably there, “everyone involved” – anyone and everyone I interact with.  If my mood is better, interest piqued, and if I’m (more) passionate about what I’m doing, etc., it’s also better for them.  So, if not even for me, better for me to be (more) passionate about whatever, for how it influences and interacts with anyone and everyone I interact with.  Hmmm, so, in case of my asking friend I’m mostly thinking of how it impacts friend, and in asking self, I’m mostly thinking about how it impacts others.  Regardless, being passionate about something(s) is important.

So what am I passionate about?  Or, … if not passionate, at least more-or-less fairly interested in, or have been passionate about and likely would, or could be again?  Relationship(s), friend(s)?  Yes.  Particularly close friend(s) I do care quite a bit about.  Relationship – well, if/when I’m actually well in one of those, certainly quite so – care much about the other person and the relationship.  Often – or certainly at least sometimes, do pour a lot into such too.  And, enjoy doing it – even when it’s dang hard – and that certainly at least sometimes happens.  “But”, friendship(s), relationship(s) ‘n all that, generally at least somewhat limiting.  Sure, at times, I’ll pour a helluva lot into that, but should never be the only thing I care about or am “passionate” about – that wouldn’t be particularly good or healthy.  And also, it typically tends to be somewhat limited/limiting.  E.g. the other person only wants so much attention, “passion”, “help”, assistance, time together or interacting, etc.  So, at best that is (or should be) an “also includes” – as in “also includes being passionate about close friend(s)/relationship(s)”.  I.e. that shouldn’t be the only thing I’m passionate about.

What about work/career?  Well, most of that is rather indirect.  Sure, interested in, (generally) like, etc., but “passionate about”?  Most of what I most care about, what I do in the way of work/career will likely never contribute to that very directly at all, but it does tend to contribute indirectly – and often in ways that are rather to quite intangible and where I mostly may never be especially aware of the impacts.  So, passionate about work/career?  Eh, not especially. Sure, sometimes some bits, and/or occasionally – but not more generally.  Sure, yeah, interested, etc., but passionate?  Not generally.

What about hobbies and other interests, other projects, likes, etc.?  Passionate about any of those – or have I been?  Hmmmm, … some, sometimes.  Don’t know, still, that most or any of them typically have risen to the level of “passionate”.  Like/liked, and/or been interested in, sure.  Maybe even occasionally “excited” – or nearly so.  But … passionate?  Eh, don’t think so.  Certainly at least not generally.

Hmmmm, and therefore from that we conclude …  Uhm, don’t think I’d quite thought it out that far ahead.  In case of friend, if, say friend responded something like, “Not passionate about anything”, I think my next thoughts/steps/suggestions, as appropriate, would be along the lines of “How do we fix that?”  (Presuming) ought to be passionate about something(s) – so how do we (re)gain that passion?  So, in being fair (or attempting thereof), I get to turn that around on me – so, … how do “fix” that with me?  How do I gain, or regain, being passionate about … well, … really much of anything?

At least at first glance – how do I (re)gain that passion – about anything, my initial, or off-the-cuff reaction is, “I haven’t a clue.”  But that’s probably not 100% accurate.  So, … I peek, poke, prod, dig, deeper.  And what do I find, or what would I find that “works”, or seems fairly likely it more-or-less would? Hmmm, relationship?  Not exactly – may be a (quite!) significant piece to the “puzzle” – but definitely not completely “the” answer.  I mean good healthy relationship can be great and positively reinforcing and supporting ‘n all that, and also quite something good to put time/effort/energy/resource into too, but … need something more to well round things out and cover what ought be covered.  So, not so much what am I passionate about, but what causes me to be passionate about something?

Hmmmm, ’causes me to be passionate’ about.  Not as in makes – as in forces me to be passionate.  Naw, that doesn’t and (generally?) wouldn’t work.  But rather, what types of factors and motivators tend to have me be or become passionate about something?  As it’s not that that which I’m passionate about is 100% consistent – that seems to vary and change (at least somewhat) over time.  Seems the consistency on the “passionate about” is what about those things ’causes’ me to be passionate about them?  And again, not ’causes’ as in forces me – more like I’m inherently, or nearly so, passionate about – whatever it might be – for some common reasons/factors – some common threads in things I tend to be passionate about.  Hmmmm…  Recognition?  Naw.  Sure, some wee bit is good, and more so personal, direct, genuine, than not, but for the most part not a significant motivator – in fact often shrink/shy/duck from recognition, and will even often run quite counter to it.  Accomplishment?  Oh, sort’a – but not in-and-of-itself.  It’s more complex than that.  What kinds of accomplishments?  And certainly not just, or only, accomplishments – not even mostly those.  Doing something to/for … what end?  Hmmm, getting warmer.  Seeing results, or knowing the results are achieved?  Hmmm, possibly, factors somewhere in there in feedback and all, but that doesn’t seem to be quite it.  Knowing it’s the right thing to do?  Yeah, sure, that’s always important – but does that get me passionate about something?  Perhaps sometimes, but I think more generally “just” a (quite!) significant factor.  Building something useful?  For whom?  To do what?  Definitely not quite putting my finger on it – at least not (quite) via that line of questioning/”reasoning”.  So, …

Reframe the question.  Try one I find a fair bit easier to more definitively answer.  What things have I been or would I be passionate about?  And, going more generally, not the things I’d be passionate about, but the motivators – what motivating factors would have me be passionate about doing or achieving whatever?  Ah, now I can get a bit farther than a “Gee wiz, I dunno.”  Helping someone I (quite) care about?  Close, but a bit more specific than that.  Usefully (to them) helping someone I (quite) care about, and most especially when I may be quite uniquely positioned to help them – where most (or all available) others can’t, or can’t in the ways I can.  Okay, so that’s one general area (and ties into friends/relationship(s) ‘n all that).  Hmmm, more generally?  Helping people/causes/issues I care about.  And similarly, where my contributions are (relatively) uniquely valuable.  E.g. where I’m doing stuff “nobody” else can (or no one else is both able and willing to do so).  Something roughly like that.  Okay, so maybe that counts for two – a second general area (or 1.5 – semi-overlaps the first).  I like interesting, challenging stuff – but when am I passionate about such?  Competition?  Cooperation/collaboration/teamwork?  Yes, … sort of.  Various factors – good friendly competition, good/useful cooperation/teamwork – often building upon each others energies and ideas.  But takes more than “just” that.  There’s also the what’s being aimed for or accomplished – or to what end.  A more or particularly noteworthy aim/goal that I care about, then yes, I might be passionate about working towards that aim/goal.  Various other things also factor in – socio-dynamics ‘n all that – sometimes only moderate factor – sometimes significant to perhaps “huge” factor.  In any case, it’s not “just”, or “enough” – at least for the most part – to be doing/pouring stuff off into some vacuum – e.g. no clue if it’s used, applied, useful, appreciated, etc. or not – that doesn’t work for me – or at least not for very well for very long.  Probably some other bits and pieces, and combinations of things/factors, which will tend to have me be passionate about something – not sure what they may all be – might not be super important to even necessarily figure that out.  But being passionate about something(s) is important.

So, what am I passionate about?  Buggers, still haven’t come up with particularly good complete answers on that.  Most notably that’s kind’a lacking at present, and has been for a fair while.  But wee bit closer to “an answer” – or more notably, “a fix”.  (Better) understand the motivators, and under what motivating conditions I would be passionate about something(s), well, then that much closer to being able to figure out how to be passionate about something(s).