I don’t wanna

Okay, so mood could definitely be better (hey, there’s always room for improvement), but regardless, particularly as-of-late (though it hasn’t changed all that much recently, either), feeling a lot of “I don’t wanna” – mostly just a lot of not motivated. E.g. …

I don’t wanna …

  • sleep
  • go back to sleep
  • dream
  • stop dreaming
  • stop sleeping
  • get up
  • get ready for work
  • eat breakfast
  • skip breakfast
  • get in the shower
  • get out of the shower
  • leave home
  • go to work
  • face people
  • interact with people
  • talk with people
  • interact/talk with people and not connect
  • be alone
  • have nobody and no one
  • be not connected – whether alone or surrounded
  • work
  • take lunch
  • come back from lunch
  • take a break
  • end a break
  • snack
  • not snack
  • stop working
  • leave work
  • be/stay at work
  • be paid to do essentially nothing ’cause someone else ain’t got their act together
  • be not paid to do essentially nothing ’cause someone else ain’t got their act together
  • deal with folks that ain’t got their sh*t together, notably if they stick it in my way
  • deal with my sh*t, especially if it ain’t together (but I’ll try not to put it in anyone else’s way)
  • go home
  • be home
  • eat
  • stop eating
  • have Friday evening and weekend – no work – or shouldn’t be working
  • have nothing I wish to do on the weekend that I can, or in my “social life” (what social life?) or free time, etc.
  • go out, do/be social
  • stay in
  • be asocial
  • feel I’ll fail again and again, at most anything social
  • fail again and again, at most anything social
  • have no clue why I quite fail at things social
  • have no one tell me or show me why I fail at things social
  • have nothing but disappointments – so much effort, so little to show for it
  • be without ever having a “date” – or even anything possibly close
  • be disappointed over and over and over, essentially always, with any and all “dates”
  • not know why they (“dates”, etc.) failed, and almost never be told
  • be in a close serious relationship for well over 5 years with definitely the wrong person
  • be in what seemed a “perfect” relationship, for not even 2 months, then miss it terribly for decades
  • miss those much less than 2 months, regardless … and forever
  • try again more than 2 decades later, and have it not work, in less than half the time
  • not try
  • know someone over 16 years, be in love with them over 13 years, be engaged to them over 8 years, be over 1,000 miles apart most all of that time, not see or touch them for over 4 years, never really even live together, and have it all essentially end
  • have missed out on all that
  • do all that again, or anything close
  • not still love her
  • forget
  • remember
  • lose a most excellent friend because he died
  • forget him – ever
  • keep missing him – forever I always will
  • lose a friend to severe and highly problematic mental illness (might otherwise miss her, but too painful, problematic, and dangerous)
  • be receiving credible death threats from a highly unwell ex-friend
  • have zero or close to zero real friends
  • fail to appreciate what I have
  • have unavailable (or nearly so) friends (but unavailable is better than non-existent)
  • feel like unavailable is (nearly) non-existent
  • feel so damn alone and unconnected
  • spend the rest of my life alone
  • have sex on average for a span of less than 3 weeks per decade
  • feel so damn untouchable
  • be so damn “untouchable” / not reached
  • feel like I’m mostly just unenjoyably (or neutrally) filling in time ’till I die
  • feel like I’m waiting for something to happen – with no idea what and nothing being looked forward to
  • feel like I’m waiting for my life to happen
  • not f*ckin’ care or feel I don’t care
  • have nothing I really care about to live for or look forward to
  • have an attitude that sucks
  • have a mood that sucks – especially if it persists
  • have writing that sucks, especially if I wish anyone might actually read and comprehend it
  • feel like it doesn’t matter
  • be interested in nothing or nearly nothing
  • motivated by or towards nothing, or nearly nothing
  • face the workweek yet again
  • not hear from my dad yet again, after about my 85th consecutive communication attempt with no response
  • have my sister not call me back, after I leave yet another voicemail for her yet again
  • watch my mom’s health steadily and too quickly decline as she does little to take care of herself
  • feel nothing
  • not care to feel something – anything
  • hold back the tears
  • stop the tears
  • be unable to cry
  • be unable to stop crying
  • be unable to feel
  • feel numb
  • continue writing this
  • stop writing this
  • be undecided
  • be wrongly decided
  • fail to properly consider and decide

(etc., & lather, rinse, repeat)

And, as I polish off and round out this blog entry some days later, feeling slightly better … but … only slightly. Mood still pretty sucky, motivation mostly quite lacking – really motivation on/for much of anything. But hey, at least it sometimes is a bit better … at least for a little while, anyway.

And maybe this piece is quite unfinished – maybe I’ll add more to it later, or edit/revise or otherwise update. Or maybe I just won’t.

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