Friday evening, Saturday, … “woo hoo”, 3-day weekend! … whatever

So, Friday evening, after work, start of a long three day (Memorial Day) weekend.  And, what am I doing on that Friday evening?  Yeah, bury my head and face in some technical stuff  I could do it at most any other time, but I pick then.  No, not work.  Plenty ‘o similar at work.  No, for “fun”.  Well, sort’a.  About nothing lined up for the 3-day weekend – okay, maybe two relatively minor and/or short events or so, but other than that … really quite absolutely nothing.  So other than some possible exception bit in one of those two events, really quite nothing I’m looking forward to.  So, Friday evening, shoving myself into some non-work technical stuff – all alone, just me by myself.  Why?  Maybe just a bit less painful.  Distract me from thinking about “nice long” 3-day weekend with fairly close to nothin’ with nobody – well, certainly that’s at least the vast majority of the time anyway – and mostly nothing to look forward to.  So it fills in some time, and does some somewhat useful stuff.  Volunteer, even.  Not that most would notice or care.  “They” would probably notice if stuff wasn’t maintained, and broke, but so long as it keeps working, nobody much notices the man behind the curtain.

Date.  Ah, yes, Saturday, out for bit of walk/stroll, and casual bit of a meal.  First place – no, that one’s closed – perhaps the holiday weekend or whatever.  Okay, a fairly nearby runner-up, walk over to there.  Oops, that place is not only closed, but gutted.  I guess gone out of business – or maybe moved, but I sure didn’t notice any “we’ve moved to” … sign, not that I was looking hard for it, was just rather surprised that the first runner-up choice was also “closed” (closed and gone!).  So, a second runner-up choice.  Hey, open, at least.  Oh, how was the date?  Uhm, rather sucked.  Just me, myself, and I.  Conversation was quite dead and topics quite too predictable, company, while interesting, kind’a depressing, especially at only about half what it ought to be – 2 might make for a fair date, 1 – way too lonely and isolated of a date.  So I dragged myself out – lest I stay in the entire day.  Didn’t really otherwise have need/reason/”excuse” to go out – other than tossing one item in the mail and checking the mail, which I did.  Oh yeah, and something about “diet” – dragging myself to food was an “excuse” to get myself to eat something again – had been about (a bit over) 24 hours since I’d eaten anything at all.  Wasn’t hungry – no appetite, but I figured I’d drag myself to something I’d more-or-less like to eat, and was reasonably healthy … well, first choice or first runner-up would’ve been.  Second runner-up, … eh, … so-so.  Interaction, as in social?  Oh, woman behind the counter was friendly enough – but she’s paid do do that – part of her job.  Other than that?  About zero interaction, but can’t exactly say I tried hard … not like I didn’t try at all, maybe even got one person to crack a smile back at me, … but that was ’bout as much interaction as I got at all.  Other than something modestly above “Would you like fries with that?”.  Ah, and restaurant, holiday weekend, rather full of people, yup, mostly or all apparently happy people, and quite none of them dining alone … except for me.  Yeah, try to ignore that – nothin’ technical to bury my head in there, so bury my face in the food and try and enjoy that.  Oh well, “date” wasn’t a total disaster at least.  It’s not like the other person tried to kill me or somethin’ like that.  Maybe I’ll try again soon – perhaps a movie, though can’t think of any that I’m all that interested to see – but maybe I can at least find one that doesn’t majorly suck.  Yeah, probably about 85% of the time (or maybe much more?  Just guestimating off the top of my head) goin’ to movie theater – just my by my lonesome … not that I go all that often, but if I quite want to see something, I’ll go and see it.  That there’s no one to go with me, whatever, that won’t stop me, but yeah it’s dang lonely.  Nobody to share nothin’ with.  And yeah it hurts.  Blah, blah, what else is new?  And so it goes.

Diet?  Eh, ain’t exactly managed to improve that as much as I was hoping.  Managing to feed myself fairly well about once per 24 hours – still far from ideal, but bit better than it was.  Kind’a hard to do much better than that when the appetite and motivation just is not there.  But even “about once per 24 hours”, still significantly screw that up at times.  E.g. last weekend – had a pretty good large lunch on Friday.  Saturday – nothin’ all day ‘cept about 2 cups of pretty charred granola (yeah, I screwed up making granola – and in quantity) and a bit of non-fat dry milk and some chocolate chips.  Sunday – three eggs, bit of shortening, about 3 cloves garlic, about half a cup of frozen peas, bunch ‘o hot sauces, and fair bit of black pepper – that was it for all of Sunday.  Monday – one muffin, one cookie, one can of juice – that was it for all of Monday.  Yeah, Monday at work I just sat at my desk the whole workday through.  Don’t think I got up once, didn’t break for lunch, nothin’ … didn’t care, didn’t feel like it, wasn’t hungry – maybe I just wanted to try and bury my head in work and mostly forget everything else.  Fortunately Tuesday through Friday were (generally) better, but yeah, too commonly not even getting one relatively decent meal in per 24 hours or so.  “Oh well.”

Work, eh, not so hot.  Current situation there is immersed in inefficiencies.  So I do lots of meta-work and waiting to do work, and not so much actual “work” – as in efficient, productive, what I’m highly competent and well skilled in – it’s mostly “other stuff” that, while “work” <cough, cough>, uhm, yeah, it does little to get done what actually needs to get done to have things implemented, fixed, be productive, etc.  So, it’s “okay”, but far from great.  Can’t say I much (if at all?  well, a bit) look forward to it, tend to (relatively) dread the weekend ending, and the return to work.

And with essentially nothin’ to look forward to on the weekends (other than not working – whatever), the reverse is also the case – more-or-less dread the workweek ending, to face yet another weekend of generally mostly nothing to look forward to and nothing I want to do or particularly enjoy.  Yeah, … and so it goes.  Trying to sink my attentions/efforts into more technical stuff (non-working) hours … just ’cause it’s something I can do, and do well, and, well, it’s less painful, but finding myself not much into it.  Kind’a like “the thrill is gone”.  It’s like, and “to what end?”  No people in it, no people in my life (well, hardly).  All rather quite sucks.  No date, hardly a friend to speak of – or to.  Yup, dismal.  Need to “fix” that.  But really no idea how.  Not even sure what exactly is “broken”, but something sure as hell ain’t workin’, and it majory sucks.


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