Blah… <ramble, ramble> …
So, … haven’t been feelin’ so hot (as in good) lately.
Had a two week anti-vacation (think mostly opposite of
vacation, except it sucked up the time lost the time
from work, didn’t get paid for it, and it was much more
expensive than an excellent vacation, and it was about
two weeks of fairly close to hell – and least quite
sh*tty, anyway) … it’s been a bit over two weeks
since then some R&R & time with friends has helped, but far from fully recovered from the anti-vacation. Yeah, so earlier, friend was suggesting might take up to fair while to recover – even significantly longer than the anti-vacation itself. I sort’a blew that off, figuring I’d pro’lly recover in roughly about half the time of the anti-vacation. Well, … not so – already been more time than the anti-vacation itself, and, while certainly doing (much) better than immediately after it – still far from fully recovered. Anyway, I digress from main point I wanted to attempt to cover.
So, … yeah, not feelin’ so hot – most notably generally lack of interest in doing most anything. Sure, still go through the motions, but … what do I actually enjoy, what do I look forward to. Yeah, that’s a major problem. Mostly a lot of nothing – not to say that I look forward to (e.g. doing) nothing, but rather there’s mostly nothing that I look forward to. That sucks. Need to find stuff I actually enjoy doing and want to do, and look forward to doing. Unfortunately most of what I seem to find and/or think of in those categories is – or at least seems/feels, relatively unatainable. E.g. girlfriend/relationship – haven’t even tried very much on that, at least for the most part, in several years now – but despite lots of time and effort – especially earlier, really have little to show for it … very very little. I mean if I look at stats there, it’s staggeringly depressing. So often I try to even avoid thinking about the numbers … unless I see or can think of some way I can learn something useful from that data to improve things.
Sometimes (okay, maybe more like often perhaps?) I think I might just be better off coming up with stuff I can do that mostly or entirely doesn’t involve other people. Yeah, sure, do have some quite cool friends … but can only burn so much ‘o their time – they have lives too. Everything seemed so much better when I had a decent girlfriend … okay, so it was (very) long distance, and we spent way way way too much time apart, and not nearly enough together – but at least I had hope we’d get that long distance part fixed … ’cause except for the long distance part it was great, … though that’s a huge “except”. I mean when the relationship is almost entirely long distance … well, it’s mostly just a relationship with some data bits goin’ back and forth … text … voice, … maybe sometimes some pictures or whatever. It’s absolutely definitely not the same as being there … not even close … especially as the time goes on, and on, and on, and on – and it’s huge stretches of time apart. So, yeah, … not findin’ myself all that interested in much of anything. :-/ Oh, sure, no shortage of stuff to do. But most of it just stuff I’m not that interested in.
Yeah, anyway, need to “fix” all that … well, at least the more/most important bits, at least. Hard to get motivated though, … especially after so much of it flops. Better job would be good. Have had better – but sooner or later better changes, and no longer is – e.g. fantastic boss is replaced with horrible boss, companies have significant economic hardship (or they’re just stupidly and rather indiscriminately laying people off – and I find myself in an intolerable position, or unemployed – and have to find something all over again. Other depressing stat that I realized relatively late – with a bunch of expenses and other financial losses from recent anti-vacation etc., and thinking how hard and long it takes to recoup those losses … thinking about inflation and increases in cost of living etc., vs. what my income has and hasn’t done in the past … ’bout dozen years – anyway, when I take inflation / cost of living into account my income over about the past dozen years is not only pretty flat – it’s probably slightly worse than that. That’s definitely not good. So … not gaining ground, not holding ground … but actually losing ground. Seriously not good. How feasible it is for me to change how much of that – not really sure – probably can help that fair degree – but only so much so reasonably within my control. And I sure as heck don’t want to be chasing after the job just for the better income and taking some cr*p job or working in some sucky environment. Paralyzed? Immobilized? Naw, … ought be motivated … highly motivated even. But too damn pessimistic (or is it realistic?). That makes it damn hard to extract oneself from significant rut.
Ah well, … it’ll get better. Maybe only slightly, as I finish recovering from my anti-vacation (financially recovering that will take many months – at best – but at least the other recovery bits should mostly be faster).
Hmmm… I also find myself being very hard on myself … I don’t like making mistakes, missing doing things I should get done, forgetting to do, or not getting around to something I felt I should’ve gotten done … well, there’s been a whole lot ‘o sh*t to do (anti-vacation) – much of that’s all done, but there’s still some significant bits left to do on that yet, … plus there’s tons of catching up (or attempting to), from all that didn’t get done when anti-vacation effectively took well over two weeks away from me. Anyway, all this sh*t that’s been going on … in large quantities, and consuming much resource (time, money, energy, etc.) … I’ve missed some things, made some mistakes, forgotten some things … and I find myself (semi-)beating myself up over ’em … being my own nag, etc. upon myself for that stuff. Definitely not the optimal approach to improving the situation. Some stuff I just blow off – ’cause it’s just not feasible to do it all. Yet I still feel bad about it – if not even approximatley “guilty”. Yeah, … counter-productive and sub-optimal that. Yup, … don’t, e.g., need a family member or anyone else beating me up or beating me down, when I’m more than capable of doing that to myself.
Yup, … well … it’s mostly me that has to fix all this for me. Ain’t like someone else is gonna jump in and fix it for me … nor would that even be possible.
Some folks occasionally suggest, e.g. therapy. Hey, I’m happy they found it worked for them or whatever, but me – I mostly found it a relatively huge waste of time/money/resource for relatively negligible results. Seem to mostly do better just going out and trying random sh*t – and that’s also more likey to find me something I might even like to do. And friends are good – at least to the extent one has friend(s), and there’s some mutual time or whatever. At least that seems to be my general experience (your mileage will vary / individual results will vary). Tuesday early A.M. … and I’m thinking what am I looking forward to this week … weekend … heck, out a full 7 days. Unfortunately not all that much. Probably some bit ‘o time with some friends ‘n such. Probably a slight bit of hanging out with some acquaintances … if that even happens. Okay, … what else? Nothin’ I can specifically think of. Oooh, ooh, friends, what would I like to do with friends? Sure, like spending some time hangin’ out … what do or would I want or prefer to do or more specifically like to do with friends? … yeah, again, I fail to come up with hardly anything. I mean it’s like all better hangin’ with friends, than not … but … what would I most like to do? Can’t even really think what. I mean I’m *sure* there *is* stuff/activities/whatever … but that I can’t think of something – seems to indicate there’s some attitude adjustment needed in my head … or maybe “just” – or especially – burnt/tired/fried/exhausted (and still recovering) from my anti-vacation.
MichaelBerkeley 