shocked at the lack of connection between people because of (cell phones)

“I’m shocked at the lack of connection between people because of iPhones. There is so much less of actual physical connection. There’s less touching, there’s less talking, there’s less holding, there’s less looking. People get pleasure from looking at each other. From a smile, and touching. We need touching to make us feel wanted and loved. That’s lacking so much in this generation. Lack of looking, lack of touching, lack of smiling. I don’t get it.”
Here’s What a 100-Year-Old Sex Therapist Thinks is Wrong With Sex Today

16,000 words

16,000 words … per day.
Average number of words spoken per day English speaking adult.
Well, okay, depending which report/study, the numbers will vary … and may or may not vary significantly by gender.

But, wow, 16,000 words per day … or anything even close?
Today, were it not for one brief phone call, I’d have not spoken one single word.
And it’s not like I talk much at work or most other situations.
Heck, often many of the days I’m not working, my spoken words may typically be little to nothing more than essential in placing an order at some restaurant or cafe or the like … if I even do so much as that.

Yeah, … most typical days, not much in the way of words spoken … not much dialog, engagement, or “connection” – despite desire to the contrary.
Not atypical I go a whole day with only zero to a handful of words spoken. Bit more now with work ‘n all (does vary among work environments), but still not all that much.
Now, if I do like half an hour to an hour or so or more, of some technical presentation, I might well use up around some significant percentage of speaking 16,000 words total, but that’s a relatively rare exception … and my voice can’t even take talking that long very well at all that clearly audible of a level (no microphone / P.A. system? – more than about half a dozen folks? Survey ’em, and lots of comments like, “Needs to speak up”, “Needs a microphone”, etc. … but if I do speak up (and have done so sometimes), my voice will end up giving out – e.g. can’t do that for anything all that close to an hour.) Well, whatever.

Anyway, yeah, 16,000 words (or so) per day – sure as hell not an “average” day for me, nor anywhere close.

Isolation, and other random crud

And another weekend, gone. Not that I was much (if at all?) looking forward to it – well, probably the bit ‘o break for work anyway, … at least semi-/mostly looking forward to that, but … other than that? Okay, so, maybe looked forward to it bit more than just that slight bit. But, how did it work out? Meh. And now I dread returning to work this morning. Why? I dunno, signals the end of my weekend, I guess, … not that the work is much worse than the weekend. Hell, maybe it’s even “better”? … well, perhaps (very) slight so? I dunno. Yeah, pretty much about nothing to look forward to – work-wise or otherwise, and that continues to be the case.

Who, me, isolated? Yep, way to damn much so – despite all attempts to the contrary. Phone calls and phone. Once upon a time basic phone service was a lot cheaper. Whatever. Anyway, now, if I take that monthly phone bill – which still isn’t all that much – hey, it’s not like there are a bunch of long distance calls on it or anything like that – divide it out by the incoming calls (what about outgoing calls? Yeah, sure, I make those too – more than incoming – but as for personal outgoing calls, I call, generally get voicemail, leave a message and generally do not hear back, or get voicemail, and, just send an email instead, or … just don’t even bother, as I’d already left messages or sent emails and generally not heard back, so why bother?) … anyway, incoming calls – subtract out the robocalls and unsolicited sales calls and cr*p like that, take those very few remaining calls, divide ’em by monthly phone cost, and … cost per incoming call – yeah, like about $5.00 to $10.00 USD per incoming call. Geez, … yeah, hardly anyone ever calls. I call, but mostly just don’t get responded to. So, I tend to give up after a while – lest I be perceived as annoyance, or worse. And, bloody heck, “nice, friendly” robocall – from health plan goop … part of their pitch – yeah, go to their site, download and print out free games to play with family and friends. Yeah, right, as if I had family and/or friends I could play some game with. I hung up at that point. And that may have been the nicest friendliest call I’d gotten all week.

So, what did I do, e.g. this weekend, and last? Dragged myself out to dinner – once, both weekends. And, how was all that? Eh, gets a bit more variety of food into me, anyway – maybe that was the prime objective, maybe not. Whatever. So, go to fairly busy crowded place, lots of people. Interaction? Ha. Yeah, other than a few functional – or even barely so – words with food service staff – waitpersons or server or whatever – nothing. Not a word from or to anyone else. So what else is new? Alone and isolated in a sea of people. Drag myself out so I won’t spend the whole damn weekend totally alone, and, am I any less alone out among other people? Hardly. Whatever. That’s not all I did all of both weekends. Also go to some semi-social gathering things, but mostly more of the same – trace more conversation, but really, all-in-all, not much at all really. It’s not like I don’t try – say something, attempt a conversation. It just never goes anywhere. Yes, really never. I don’t mean like doesn’t lead to some hot date and crawling into bed, I mean doesn’t even make it to a sustained conversation. It just don’t happen for me. Period. And I don’t even know why. Certainly no lack of effort and trying. But, eventually I quite back off on that. Why keep beating my head against the wall if it yields absolutely no results anyway? What’s the point of trying, eh? All this sh*t about “meet some wonderful person” – heck, even a friend, … it just don’t happen. Not for me. Never like that, anyway. Never. Period. Really only happens – and far too damn rarely at that – if we first meet on-line. Seems somehow then, I have a fighting chance. But even then, far too damn rare that that happens and gets anywhere for like actual real life face-to-face conversation. Conversations – yeah, I was thinkin’ how many actually nice good long decent conversations have I had – like hour or more good, fairly intense conversations – with anyone in the last year, … well, even stretch it bit more than a whole year. Three? Well, maybe more like only two. If I count one at or a bit beyond a year ago – and was by phone – not in person – did have one conversation that was about 3 hours long, … happened to be situation/circumstances that made it awkward and uneasy and rather uncomfortable, but, nevertheless, overall, it was a good conversation – and rather lengthy. But that was only over phone, not in person. Hadn’t had a conversation of that length – or even up to an hour or more – and even up to that quality – even if it had fair bit of negative/uneasy/uncomfortable in the mix – with that person, nothing like that since, nor before – or at least not before for more than many years. So, do I even “count” that one, if it was about year, or more ago, and wasn’t face-to-face anyway. And, the remaining two? I got lucky. Some nice wonderful conversations with someone last month. Two such conversations, each about an hour or more. But, nothing before, nothing since; and since, … haven’t even heard back in … I think it’s weeks now. Not a peep. So, maybe that’s totally dead? Or not. I don’t know. So, … about 2 conversations a year, … if I get lucky. Yeah, sucks. And especially when I’d rather a good conversation than good/great sex, … uhm, yeah, good/great sex would be wonderful, but sex without the communication quite sucks in short order – at least for me, anyway. So, yeah, I’d take the conversation over sex any day. At least the conversation might be more attainable. And, if I think last … about 5 or 6 years or so. How ’bout those conversations? Yeah, really really lacking. Other than those 3 I mention, within about the last year+ or so, can’t think of any I’ve had like that within the past … about 6 years, really. Okay, so maybe there’s one or two or three somewhere in there I’m forgetting about. But still, that’s way way way too little, too rare, way too damn rare – especially for me, that really wants to be connected and communicate and have those damn conversations. Far far far too lacking. Alone in a sea of people. So, WTF is wrong with me? And how come nobody can tell me what it is? And yeah it hurts like hell. Maybe I just kind’a gotten too used to the pain, as it’s pretty much all the time for me. And then I break a bone and it’s days or more before I figure out it’s broken – that’s happened to me on multiple occasions. I guess I just don’t quite notice all the pain that’s there. Oops.

I often wish I didn’t feel a damn thing. ‘Cause mostly it just friggin’ hurts, and doesn’t seem at all worth it. But, friggin’ stuck being human, and, dang, cr*p, that comes with feelings. Sh*t. Would be much easier without, eh?

And why the hell is it that most anything and everything I want involves other people and being connected? Bugger that. Maybe because eventually I find the “everything else” and being so indefinitely and totally unconnected – well, eventually gets to be very unsatisfying and boring. I dunno, some damn thing about being human and social animals or something like that – and don’t do well alone. Yeah, well I got that – not doing well alone – and way too alone way too damn long.

Liked, respected, maybe even a bit of admired and looked up to? I get some fair bit of that – rather surprisingly so. Most notably that it surprises the heck out’a me. Like where the heck did that come from, and why the hell would you or anyone be interested in me and at all look up to, admire, or respect me? I guess fair part of that is I’m mostly quite oblivous to it. Don’t know why – I think it’s probably “always” been the case. I just “don’t get it”. Someone insults me or makes a joke at my expense, or compliments me – either way, seems most all the time I quite totally miss that – don’t catch it at all. So, yeah, I suppose that’s a problem too. Not knowing to avoid and stop wasting time/effort/energy, where someone not only isn’t interested in me, but doesn’t even like me, and even quite dislikes me – ’cause I don’t pick up on that. And, likewise, how the heck do I “connect” with someone that likes me, if I’ve no clue they like and are interested in me? Of course, then again, not everyone that “likes” me or whatever, is at all necessarily a good “fit” for me, or even close – heck, pretty much all of ’em hardly know me at all, but, whatever, at least there might be some chance out there … if I friggin’ knew. Not so likely otherwise. Why can’t I see that? The he/she likes you (me) … or … dislikes me. By the time I figure that out, it’s typically too damn late – if I even figure it out at all. Opportunity long since gone, or poor/bad situation only made worse.

Oh well. And so it goes.

above crud, and other bits

OMG!!! Yet another horribly long ramble? Maybe, … maybe not. Sure, some meandering topics … semi-related, … or not. Horribly long? We shall see. In not necessarily any particular order …

Food, eating, blah, blah, blah. I’ve been doing a bit better on that. Far from great, but … okayish? Mostly still, at least for the most part, no appetite (generally a symptom of mood being flat/down, but … whatever) and … likwise, eat, even stuffed to the gills, and … really never feel full, either. That still seems quite the case – and is generally atypical for me – but been the case oh … probably about a year and a half or so now. Anyway, doing a bit better on it … the eating part of it anyway. Mostly just trying to, and “forcing” myself, to eat a bit more regularly and better. That’s mostly it. Sometimes the appetite even puts in a slight appearance … but … mostly not. Whatever. So, … I deal with it, … and … try to eat more reasonably and consistently. Much more like a chore than a joy or a thing enjoyed at all, but, whatever, … needs be done, … and, … mostly doing it, … at least semi-/kind’a okayish, anyway. Sure, not great, but … at least a bit better. I dunno, mostly just don’t seem to care about or be interested in food, or hungry anymore – at least for the most part. Whatever, … just make it happen (the eating) anyway.

Mood in general? Eh, more recently, … general trend/average … a hair better, anyway. I think mostly above “crud” anyway – though that might also occasionally sneak (back) in. Good? Yeah, if only. More like okay/okayish, or … well, something above crud anyway, and between there and okay/okayish, … and … sometimes even at/around okay. Better than okay? Eh, maybe some slight rare bits above that for very short durations – if at all. Anyway, mostly above crud, anyway, and perhaps at least flirting/brushing with okay/okayish. Improvement, anyway, compared to, oh, I dunno, a few months or so ago I guess.

Stress, connection, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, I’ll first mention interesting video: YouTube: TED: Kelly McGonigal: How to make stress your friend watch from the start of the video or jump straight to the 2nd point I touch upon. Interesting video, and for the most part I won’t cover what it says or touches upon … except for two bits. First of all – stress. Not all stress is bad. E.g. exercise is a form of stress. And, I more-or-less – at least approximately, know, at least some key differences between “good” stress, and “bad” stress – but I wouldn’t differentiate in same manner the video does, but suffice it to say I can typically tell ’em apart – at least for me, anyway. E.g. “instant” stress headache – yeah, that’d be from bad stress. Stressful, but challenging, interesting, exciting, the kind of thing one typically enjoys and throws oneself into – that would generally be good stress. But I digress. That’s one point the video touches upon (though with rather different take on it). Other key bit is between stress (and oxytocin) and social connection/interaction. Most notably (and my paraphrasing from the video), that stress increases production of oxytocin, which makes us more social – more inclined to reach out and connect for support. Though I can’t say I generally support that hypothesis, I can say, that, under exceedingly high stress, it is definitely true – highly more inclined to and much more capable of making those social connections. And I don’t even mean from, or just from existing relationships/connections, but pretty much making and forming ’em almost out of the blue – from almost nothing to meaningful supportive/reassuring connections, and damn fast and efficiently at it too! Yep, have seen that in myself. Pretty darn rare that I’m that intensely stressed, but when I am – “poof” – almost like magic – when I really pretty much have to make those connections, almost, if not, as matter of survival … boom – they happen … and fast – and without me even having to think about how to do it or that I did it. Maybe it’s oxytocin to credit? I’ve no idea, but in any case, it works! And, damn good that it does – ’cause it pretty much has to then … and … it does. Unfortunately, however, it mostly just doesn’t last. Acute stress gone, then just can’t make those connections anymore, and those made under the acute stress? – typically fade out pretty quickly. Buggers. Now, if only there were some way to just “turn on” that capability – without needing to be under massive/acute stress for it to become “active”. Drats. But it can happen. Biochemistry? And/or very atypical psychological state of mind? Whatever, … it works. Well, … at least for that brief duration anyway. Then we’re basically back to nothin’ again … well, ’tis pretty much the case for me anyway. Friends, meaningful connections – establishing/making that … yeah, still a friggin’ helluva time managing to get any of that to happen. Hmmmm, shouldn’t need major stresses like someone pointing a gun at my head or the like to induce enough stress to make some social bonding possible, and certainly shouldn’t have stresses like that multiple times per day to be able to keep up such social bonding capabilities. Dang, so, … how do I get it to work better, … much better. Is it so dang difficult for everyone else? Well, no, … the evidence clearly points that I’m quite the minority on that one. About one new good friend per dozen years? Even less frequent for anything approaching the possibility of a decent relationship? Yeah, I need to do a lot better at that. Already 50 years old, still alone, … way too damn painfully alone, and, … at that rate, I’ll be dead long before I’m anything close to married.

So, … connections, friendship (or more) and attempts thereof, how goes all that for me, and more recently? Bleh. I think I’d have to give that a rating of about crud – and “of course”, mostly put that upon myself. It’s not like I don’t try – certainly do, but results? About zilch, … still. And, sometimes too, I try less, or don’t try. The highly constant stream of nothing but disappointments, never any real connection, … not even a decent bit of “traction”, well, that just really friggin’ hurts a whole bloody hell of a lot. Damn painful. So, … sometimes I try a lot less. E.g. commuter train – BART – why the f*ck even try? Did the stats before, but really – add up all the time over the decades, commuting on BART, and all the trying, and, really quite zero results with … well, hundreds, if not thousands of contacts, whole helluva lot of attempts, I think it literally adds up to months or more of contiguous time if it was stretched out end to end, and … nothin’ … really quite absolutely nothing. So, … why even try there? So, … yeah, don’t think I’ve even tried there, in the slightest, … in months or more. Find someone I might be interested in talking to or approaching? I just don’t bother. Why try, just to be disappointed yet a friggin’ ‘gain. So I don’t. Ignore the possibility. Or try and turn it into a nice fantasy – “ah, yes, could be wondeful connection, … if I actually approached the person or said ‘hi’ or responded” – yep, can hang onto that fantasy if I don’t actually try, … if I actually try – end of fantasy, and it ain’t happenin’ anyway – no connection, no nothin’, no real possibility, … and … much less painful without the disappointment yet again. And, who the hell am I kidding. Pretty much anything anywhere else is about the same. Okay, so maybe I haven’t given up trying entirely, but geez, really, what’s the point? I mean there is supposed to be a point, right? F*ck.

And, as humans, we get to also be a set of walking inconsistent contradictions. A lot of the time I wish I didn’t need or want anyone at all – any people, any humans whatsoever, and that I felt absolutely nothing at all. Really, I do. Would be a lot less painful. Sometimes I even try and do that … but doesn’t work … at least not for long, anyway. Buggers. I’m a friggin’ human after all. Cr*p. So, yeah, I kind’a … well, not exactly “bounce”, but more like move and sway between those relative extremes … though not really all that much motion – not all that big a range. Going from not trying at all on the social connections and attempting to ignore and feel nothing – and sure as hell wishing I felt exactly and only nothing … to … well, at least trying somewhat here ‘n there – sometimes even trying a whole heck of a lot, and even being and trying to be quite positive and optimistic about it. And, … yeah, failing each and every time, over and over again. F*ck. Yeah it sucks. Ugh. So, yeah, on the “connection” stuff, that’s still around the crud range – maybe that’s all it’ll ever be … hell, … probably that’s what it’s generally been most all my life, with sometimes some exceptions here ‘n there, but mostly crud … and the exceptions only being after I somehow managed to make that connection, … don’t know that I’ve ever been better (or will ever be better?) at managing to make those connections – most notably getting them well started in the first place. Seem to do fairly well at it once they’re well established, … but alas, far far far too rare that I ever manage to make it to that point. <sigh>

Economics of scarcity? Things are more sought after and perceived as more valuable when they’re harder to get or there’s fewer of them. Uhm, yeah, weird, but that’s how it tends to work. It’s cr*p, but it’s also reality. Somehow, though, I don’t think (further) burying myself in my “cave” and being yet more of a hermit would cause a bunch of potential dates of interest to me to come beating a path to my door. And I refuse to be the jerk that one has to “win over” to gain the attentions of and/or respect of. Just not me, and I refuse to play that “game”. I’m a nice guy, I’m not a jerk – and not gonna play one or act like one, and certainly not gonna be one. I dunno. Maybe I try too hard? Things are often not appreciated/valued so much if they’re easy or readily available. For friends and those I care about – heck, even somewhat more generally than that – I’m willing to do a lot, I offer a lot, do a lot, etc. Maybe that comes off as “desperate” or “suspicious” or something like that. I don’t know. I’ve really about zero clue on most all this. I’m certainly not a mind reader. And, even, for the most part, not good at reading people, so, to large extent, no idea whatsoever what they’re thinking or feeling – so I’ve quite no idea, and really quite can’t tell what works, what doesn’t, what works, better or worse, or makes really much of any difference whatsoever. Maybe that’s huge chunk of why I’m so horribly lost on this social stuff. I’ve got no friggin’ clue, and can’t figure it out. Yeah, and nobody’s exactly telling me, either. Yep, I’m screwed … figuratively.

Another random bit. Venue. Large TV screens. Mostly sports stuff (and the inevitable commercials) on the screens, TVs blaring loud. Pizza, beer, stuff like that, crowd even louder than the blaring TVs. I really just don’t get it. Most – if not all – folks there, quite seemed to be having a good time. Absolutely definitely not my scene. Zilch interest in watching sports (with quite negligible exceptions), zero interest in hanging around with crowds and people cheering and whooping and hollering about stuff I just don’t care about at all, zero interest in beer, damn friggin’ loud environment, about impossible to have a conversation – almost have to holler just to be heard. Yet folks seem to be enjoying it. Egad. I don’t get it. Not for me, not enjoyable at all – mostly just a big nuisance. Yeck. How many more days ’till football season is over? Crud.

And, to attempt to end on slightly more positive note? Yeah, (mostly) above crud, maybe even approaching okay(ish). Been doing more of filling time. For the most part not a damn thing I enjoy nor anything to look forward to … at all really. Just been doing some more of keepin’ busy, doing “stuff” – mostly nothing I care about – really don’t have much of anything I care about. So, anyway, with more busy, the time passes a bit less painfully. So, … a step (or half-step … quarter step at least?) above crud.

Buggers, all that typing, and I’ve not said much new, huh? Rats. Oh well, hey, above crud – that’s somethin’, anyway.

been busy … catch-up, … updates, …

So, I been kind’a busy. Things settling down more now (well, maybe? Whatever.).

Some semi-random thoughts, updates, and catch-up. Can’t cover it “all” (lucky you, maybe that means it won’t be too long of my writing) … but, … maybe you won’t get that lucky. ;-) Sorry.

Last Saturday/Sunday – fair bit to much of it … headache(s) – at least on and off. Not sure what was up with that. I don’t get headaches often. Most commonly when I do, it’s from stress – particularly negative form(s) of stress – I can feel it – feel the stress in such cases – typically point more-or-less to “exactly” what’s bothering me or got me particularly stressed that’s doing it. Saturday/Sunday? What was doing it? Oh yes, had quite that feel to it, so, yeah, almost certainly negative stress – though there might also have been some other contributing factors. But, put my finger on it precisely – no, couldn’t quite do that. Maybe too much in the mix to quite do that – I dunno. Anyway, headache(s) gone – and good riddance! Yeah, like I said, don’t get ’em often. Last ‘o that seemed to fade and go away sometime on Sunday.

Use what works! – Kind’a thinking a bit of Bruce Lee philosophy. So, … try to be more me? Less of that trying to be like a neurotypical (NT)? Or … ??? What is the optimal strategy? Perhaps (quite likely), what’s best and most effective is … some of both. Probably varies by time and circumstances. Probably also likely varies in particular components. E.g. optimal, for situation X, may be to be more “normal” (NT) on A, B, E, G, and T, and much more “me” on D, R, S, and Q. Uhm, yeah, … if only I well knew – or even had substantial clue(s) as to how much of which was best, and when, where, and under what circumstances. Oh, not to mention being able to actually do such! Hmmmmm… Therein lies the rub? Yeah, big part of the problem is I can’t determine what works. :-( Try whole helluva lot, try this, try that, try the other, try it this way, that way, the other way, try not at all. Results so damn near identical, I can’t separate out at all what does/doesn’t work at all. Or, … reality? It must be different – quite different – or at least I quite presume most all that stuff makes at least some difference, and certainly ought be the signs/signals/evidence to see/determine what makes what kind’a difference – in various ways, both desired, and not. Yeah, seems key problem there, then, must be, not that it makes no difference, and there’s no difference to detect. No, not that. Seems much more probable to be the case that I’m highly blind to it. Many signs, signals, cues, etc., and, unless/until they’re quite blatant, clear, and unambiguous – well – probably even more absolute than “just” that, … only then (or nearly so), do I actually pick up on ’em. Seems viable hypothesis – and would explain a whole lot. How the hell could I adapt and optimize the interactions and such, if I could never even read the cues? Yeah, that’d be a problem – and rather likely is what’s going on … or probably a rather large chunk of it, anyway. Still guestimating/hypothesizing, but seems quite likely to be the case.

Try more, try harder? Aw, f*ck it. ;-) Well, to a fairly large extent, more recently, just have not been trying. And is that a bad thing? Eh, yes and no, but not necessarily. I suppose, been being a bit more “me”, trying less to be/act like somebody/something else (NT), or even tryin’ a whole helluva lot to interact better with NTs. I mean, really, what’s it gotten me? About nothing. Or has it? Maybe I’m so sucky at it I can’t tell the difference ’cause most all those interactions are rather/quite “bad” (ineffective), and … even when I try like heck, maybe I still highly suck at it, and can’t read it worth beans, that, … well, the results are equally abysmal. And so it goes. Busy – yeah, been fair bit ‘o that. For better or worse that mostly gives me lots less time to “try”, or even think about it. The good(?) bit is – makes the passing of time less painful – fills it with stuff to do. Okay, most of which I don’t particularly (if hardly at all) care about or much enjoy, but … whatever, less painful anyway. Sort’a kind’a (barely/marginally) (almost?) “okay”(?). Still rather sucks, but what the hell, it’s less painful. Okay, maybe except for some sh*t headaches.

Try not to think about it. Yeah, that makes it less painful / more tolerable too. Just don’t friggin’ think about it. Friend(s)? Relationship(s)? Prospects thereof? Attempting to find/grow that, connect, etc.? Yeah, it’s shit, it’s hard, it sucks, it’s painful. But if I don’t think about it – as much as feasible (keep busy with lots ‘o other stuff/sh*t) – and also, mostly not even trying, … it hurts less, … even quite a bit less. Sh*t, … that ain’t exactly a solution though, … not even close – more like just friggin’ pain relief. Haven’t stopped the source/cause of the pain. No wonder I had a friggin’ headache. Whole bloodly weekend off and … try? Prospects? Yeah, did go to a social event. Hell, went to really at least two such events. Did I try? No, not really hardly at all. Attitude? Yeah, rather “negative” – or perhaps more so too friggin’ realistic attitude. Mostly with attitude ain’t no friggin’ way in hell I’m gonna meet ‘n connect with nobody. Not that it was bad – not even that I was “negative” on it. Tryin’ to think how to more accurately describe/convey. Kind’a like attitude of not trying, not caring, anticipating and having zero prospects, and not caring about it and not thinking about it – or … well, not quite really/fully, but sort’a like tryin’ to fake myself out and think that way. And just not push myself on it. Yeah, no wonder I had a friggin’ headache. And despite all that, it was “okay” – for certain definitions of “okay”. Wasn’t really all that painful at all (okay, except for the headaches). Enjoyable? Eh, passable, more-or-less. Did I enjoy it enough I’d want to do it again? Oh, more like I’d kind’a slightly prefer not to, but keep throwing myself at it anyway – ’cause, yeah, that’s some ‘o ’bout the best prospects I got, … even if they’re about zilch. FML. Yeah, … not think about it. :-> (Much!) less painful that way – at least for the most part. Results? Eh, thus far cr*p, either way.

Use what works. Yeah, I need to get to that. Crud – long ways to go. And already over 50 years down. Rats.

And, to attempt to end on a more positive note. Some modest bits of communications in recent weeks have gone pleasantly surprisingly well. Kind’a out-of-the-blue. Not gonna detail on this blog, and really only a couple “conversations” or so, and, … buggers, just on-line text, no IRL, ’bout zilch prospects of that, but … what the hell, certainly better than nothing. Yes, even some very nice positive complimentary comments from someone to me – but alas, over thousands of miles away, and for that and a host of other reasons, will probably never even meet, and … relationship or anything like that? No, ain’t gonna happen, nowhere close, … even if I might wish it – whole lot ‘o reasons, not gonna detail any ‘o that here. And, unfortunately, far too seldom and sporadic and irregular – just generally don’t have that with much or any regularity or dependability (do have one most excellent friend – but a lot ‘o constraints there too … and no, not gonna detail). So, yeah, generally, far too little connection. Cr*p, didn’t I say something about positive? Anyway, at least some bits ‘o nice “connected” on-line chat or the like. Would be nice if I had some such nice conversations – and preferably in person – and much more regularly. Oh well, I can dream, right? Speaking of which, had fairly decent interesting dream overnight – but forgotten almost all of it now. Sleep? Ah, yeah, whatever, too late for more ‘o that – got some. Whatever, sometimes other things are (much) more important than sleep.

Social outings and all that – “putting” myself “out there”

[and about 21 hours, making some edits – mostly or entirely just additions, ’cause I screwed it up significantly the first time; edits mostly or entirely within “square brackets” ([])]

So, “social outings”.  Putting myself “out there”, and all that.  How goes all that, or much more specifically, how goes that for me?  Not sure why, but still keep trying, putting – and pushing – myself out there.  Not sure why, though, or if I ought to.  Maybe it’s mostly or entirely (or nearly so) a waste?  After all, the net results, despite whole lot of repeated efforts, are about nil.  Now, that might be fine and dandy – or at least relatively okay, if this was stuff I rather to quite liked going out and doing.  But for the most part, … eh, … could take it or leave it.  Can’t say I enjoy it – certainly not much, if at all.  Can’t say its exactly horrific either.  I guess the actual doing it / going through it feels … I dunno, relatively neutral anyway?  Or approximately so.  Not much at all of a plus – or minis – at least for the most part.  But the part that does feel like a major negative – and highly so – is the so oft repeating, and so often with so much effort, and zero, or damn near zero results of any use or benefit from it – well, certainly not to my benefit anyway – at least that I can tell, detect, or most notably feel.  So, yeah, that part of it not only highly sucks, but friggin’ hurts.  Sort’a feels like I’m slamming my head into a wall over and over and over again, … just to go out and repeat and do it yet again, and again, and again.  Sort’a a form of long, slow, drawn-out torture.  Bleh.

If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.  Well, it’s obviously quite broken.  So, … needs fixin’.  But damned if I know why it doesn’t work or how the hell to fix it.  And, without knowing that, really does highly feel like just slamming my head into a wall over, and over, and over again.  Quite sucks that.

Try harder at some stuff, less hard at others?  Perhaps.  Some stuff seems absurdly improbable to be useful.  E.g. “nice friendly conversation with random stranger on commute train”.  Seems highly pointless.  Given the decades I’ve had such commutes, all the hours on such trains, all the conversations and attempts thereof, and really about zilch in meaningful connections from it – seems highly like quite the utter waste.  So, yeah, probably last several months or so I haven’t even so much as attempted that – really haven’t so much as tried to even start a conversation.  Like actually have a conversation with a stranger on ‘commute’ train (even if it’s not commute hours or whatever).  Seems damn pointless.  What’s the point?  Get my hopes up maybe, just to get ’em smashed again and again and again – not worth it.  Has never really gone anywhere for me.  Let’s see, add up the years and time commuting on such trains … yeah, estimating and adding it up, about 4,300 hours, and about zilch results – not a “date”, not a phone number not a last name or an email address [not a physical address, I don’t think so much as even a business card – save possibly ‘work only’ contact information, and if I got any contact information, never a response; provided my contact information many many many a time, and how many contacted me? … zilch – absolutely zero] – not a friend … damn friggin’ close to absolutely nothing.  No real ‘connection’ there.  So why the hell bother?  Well, certainly not for me anyway, quite “obviously” does me no particular good or use at all.  4,300 hours – that’d be like half a year … of non-stop 24×7 continuous marathon trying to make some meaningful connection and … nothing – zilch to show for it.  Imagine, over a [half] year, up, solid, marathon, surrounded by people all that time, trying to make some meaningful connection – and absolutely nothing from all that time, work, energy, resource, attempts, etc.  Quite sucks.  [Similarly, imagine more than an entire half of a year, non-stop marathon, at some “party” type even where you’re hoping and trying to meet people, and, about every 20 to 60 minutes, most all the people get changed out, though some repeat with greater frequency than others, and some don’t repeat at all – never know exactly what’s next.  Well, maybe not exactly like a “party”, but sometimes the atmosphere is very social and friendly – like mid-evening heading out from San Francisco to East Bay – most have been out to, e.g. play, performance, dinner with friends or coworkers, or drinks with coworkers after work, or some such.  Other times not as social.  Like the very first commute train of the morning.  It’s rather like The Body Snatchers – “them” – looking rather zoned out, kind’a trance-like, going through the motions, obviously not thrilled to be gong to work – and barely awake – if that.  And, my gosh, were I to speak then?  Yeah, I could imagine ghastly eerie hissing squealchy breathy sounds coming from them as I dare make a sound and disturb the regularity of the noises of the commute train and its entranced zombie-like ridership, by breaking those sounds with something as distinct as a human voice.  And they’d rise up, arms outstretched, and start walking and stumbling towards me, while still making those terrifyingly inhuman sounds.  Fortunately most all hours on the train, though, aren’t that bad.  But definitely depends – upon time, day, where the train is, where it’s going, etc.  E.g. folks are generally a lot more unhappy and quiet in the morning heading to work, compared to returning from work in the evening.  And right around the end of the workday for many – like 4pm or 5pm – whole lot of folks rather grumpily/madly rushing to get home – though they seem in slightly better mood than going in – at least they’re looking forward to getting home.  And even some modest bit later, not nearly so bad – folks relatively happy to be heading home – and seemingly much more relaxed about it.  So, rather kind’a like a party, … but not.  Maybe more like some professional or semi-professional get together.  Where one hardly knows anyone there, but you all sort’a kind have at least some slight bit in common – though not necessarily much at all.  And, … it’s like the time between sessions – when you’re standing (or sometimes sitting) around … waiting for something to happen or what’s next – but in the meantime, there’s some time.  Anyway, 4,300 hours is whole lot of hours for essentially zero results despite a whole helluva lot of trying.  That would be like two years of full-time work.  So …] Perhaps long past time to give up on that one?  Then again, not like anything else has been whole helluva lot better.  But I digress.

So, yeah, “it” aint’ working – quite obviously so.  And don’t know how to fix it.  And the “experts” don’t seem to have particularly helped, either – at least thus far.  FML

So, yes, I keep finding myself yet again – “why  bother?” – seems to have mostly been a miserable failure.  Really, quite.  Most all social gatherings/outings.  Damn hard to think of any exception(s).  Where have I made meaningful connection?  Meet someone on-line first, get to know them at least moderately, if not quite well there, and them me, then meet in person.  That’s gone quite well … well, at least when that happens.  Unfortunately most of the time it burns a whole lot of time/resource/energy/attention on-line, and hardly ends up ever meeting anyone – and even then, vast majority of those meetings end up going nowhere fast – just doesn’t work … but … fortunately, there are the (far too) rare exceptions that do actually work.  Just so damn long and hard to get to there.  E.g. make like one good friend per decade that way … actually not even quite that high a rate.  And really, that’s I think essentially where all my good friends have come from … well, going back to at least 1990 anyway.  Damn I wish I knew the answers.  Why the hell does it it just not work for me?  What am I doing “wrong”?  [Bit spoken lyric from Pink Floyd’s “The Wall” quite comes to mind:”Wrong, Do it again!”] Why does no one even tell me at all or point it out or hint at it?  [What am I doing wrong?]  Crud.  I’ve really no idea.

Well, more than enough said for now.  Can’t think of anything to add that’s not quite redundant with what I’ve ‘said'(/blogged/etc.) before.

[1]And thus endeth another weekend. With some slight exception, really had nothing to look forward to at all – for the whole week past, weekend, upcoming week, etc., etc.  Man that sucks.  Such is my life presently.  I need stuff/person(s) to actually care about – stuff I want to do, stuff to look forward to.  Have precious little of that – way too little.  But I guess that’s a hair better than exactly none.  Would be nice to be cared for/about too – not entirely absent, but, definitely also majorly lacking there too.  And so it goes.

“And when someone asks you how you are, you say ‘Fine, thanks, how are you?'” – I hate that sh*t – why do parents ‘train’ their kids to do that?  How ’bout the truth.  Becomes quite the instinctual habit – far too often I catch myself doing that, stating or implying that I’m fine or ‘good’ or the like when … yeah, more like ‘hangin’ in there’ to ‘crud’ or so would be more accurate.  Ugh.  E.g. Monday, coworker asked how my weekend was, and I instinctively snapped something like, “Good, and yours?”  It was not good, it was not fine.  It was … more like marginally tolerable – at best – last weekend, anyway.  This past weekend, maybe a hair better than that, but not by much.

[[1] And in retrospect – like by about later that morning, after having written it much earlier that morning, and too late to have time to “fix” it, before running off to work, I quite realized that I majorly screwed up that – well, if not paragraph, at least major portions thereof – rather egregious error – or set of errors.  Needs some ‘splainin’ – but rather than rewrite that paragraph, or footnote it to death (my initial inclinations), rather I’ll leave it stand as written, but, sort of “footnote” that whole paragraph as a whole and explain and correct and clarify.  “Slight exception” – an unfair characterization.  At least one good, noteworthy exception, but perhaps I quite downplay it – and did so when I wrote that, for various reasons (with, and without, merit).  What I had in mind when I wrote that, was bit of visit with a good friend.  Nothing “slight” about that; exceptional, yes; though also very much limited/limiting too – and no, I ain’t gonna explain that.  So, very good to have that visit, and time, even if relatively short, and a whole lot of interaction and communication just can’t happen there (not gonna explain that) and wasn’t even much time/opportunity for it anyway.  So, unfair and inaccurate characterization, and potentially egregiously so, particularly as said friend does also read my blogs, and may have thought, guessed, or suspected that might’ve been what I was referring to.  So, yes, very sorry that I wrote it like that – at least as it first came out.  Look forward to?  Yes, quite looked forward to that.  But, also – I guess psychological survival – at least in my head, I also effectively “downplay” that a lot – try not too look forward to it too much – or really a whole heck of a lot at all – though I can’t help but significantly look forward to it.  Psychological survival?  Not anyone’s fault, but there’s a rather high element of unpredictability and notably effective and/or actual unavailability.  So, yeah, I don’t want to get my hopes up – especially way up, when there’s significant probability things might need to be changed or cancelled, and quite no idea how long it might be ’till we might possibly be able to meet again – and such could happen again.  So, … try to just “take it as it is” and not pin my hopes on something that just well may not occur and I’ve got about zero control over.  (Yes I’m being kind’a vague, no I ain’t gonna explain.)  And, persons/stuff to care about – yeah, do quite have that at least with said friend – do quite care about friend – very much so.  But – (lacking) stuff to look forward to, precious little – relatively accurate characterizations.  Precious?  Yes.  Little?  Think of flow.  Thinking of wanting – at least ideally – flow of communication … like … and unrestricted fire hose.  Then think instead of chilled molasses through a cocktail straw.  Yeah, analogies generally suck, but for lack of better one?  Anyway, something very roughly like that – very precious, and one frickin’ whole helluva lot better than precisely and absolutely nothing, but, at the same time, effectively verylimited/constrained.  And more than a “hair better” than exactly none.   Quite significant, let at the same time highly limited/constrained.  And, not (me) uncared for either, that’s there too, said friend certainly quite cares for/about me.  But again, too, if nothing else, in many practical ways, that’s rather to quite highly limited.  So, damn fine friend ‘n all that, but at the same time, major limitations between us.  And too, in my mood being rather/quite sucky and down, that tends to make everything feel/seem like less – so that probably also causes me to underemphasize where I ought emphasize more.  Hopefully I’ve not said “too much”, but hopefully that reasonably corrects – and better explains.]

Action Plan (?) … and other stuff

So, … been thinking about it a fair while.  Mostly starting around roughly a week or so ago – around, and a bit before when I posted I don’t wanna.

Rather need an “action plan” … of sorts.  Or, to plan some action(s).  Wallowing in self-pity or the like isn’t good, particularly if done “too long” and/or too much of the time.  Okay, maybe some of that is relatively unavoidable, but regardless, need to make that “better” – or at least make some reasonable attempts thereof.  Notably, try something – kind’a almost anything – just not be stuck in the same, when the same sucks.

“When you’re going through hell, keep going.” – Winston Churchill

So, don’t just keep doing the same (or the same nothing), if that quite highly sucks. In other words, “Don’t stay there – keep going.”
So … plans, … and observations. And throwing a “pitty party” – not a good idea. Who’d wanna go to that? Certainly not me. Not even if it was my own party.

So, plans.  First, a quite general idea.  “Do something.”.  Almost anyhthing – just do it!  It’s not like I don’t have “stuff to do”.  There’s always “stuff” to do, and plenty of it.  “Problem” – at least mostly, is mood/motivation.  Don’t feel like doing anything, not enjoying anything and certainly feeling there’s nothing I’d enjoy – at least that’s available to me to do.  Well, the hell with that (even if it might be true).  Do something(s) anyway.  And why?  Well, multiple reasons. Most notably, it gets some stuff actually done.  Generally good and/or useful stuff – even if very marginally so – at least for having done or getting done, that’s at least a bit better than, well, getting “nothing” done, or quite minimal.  So, do something.  Even if it’s hard, even if it’s painful, even if I don’t wanna, even if I can’t see, think, feel, or imagine myself liking doing it or even liking having had done it.  Friggin’ suck it up and do it anyway.  Why?  Because it gets stuff done – even if that “stuff” doesn’t matter all that much, maybe even quite infinitesimally, it’s still at least something, which, when at least some slight trace good/beneficial/useful or the like, is generally better than a comparative nothing; so – do something!.  And, why else?  Well, because even if I can’t appreciate it or enjoy it at all, or enjoy or appreciate what’s done now, at least later, looking back on it, I’ll generally think and feel better about having done something, rather than quite nothing.  So, “do something”.  And it’s not like I don’t have a lot of something(s) to do.  Really I’ve quite the long list of such.  Rather a “to do” / “never ending list of doom” / “wish list” – long list, very long list, of “stuff to do”.  So, … “do stuff”.  And not that it appreciably “fixes” anything, or make me feel better – hell, doin’ it – at least some of it, might even feel worse – well f*ck that, just do it anyway.  Push on through.  So, that’s part of “the” / a plan.  Do stuff.  Again, not that it necessarily fixes anything or much of anything.  But rather that, at least generally, it’s at least slightly better, overall, compared to doing “nothing”.  So, … “do something”.

Other related, not-so-related, and semi-random observations and the like.

Fickle.  Flighty.  Mood not so “well grounded”.  Far too easily influenced by “external factors” – and mostly stuff that either ought not matter, or ought not have that much impact upon how I feel.  It’s not like it absolutely and totally gets randomly knocked about, but rather, more like it ought be much more solid and secure, and not blown/knocked about so easily, by the slightest – or rather minor – of breeze or influence.  At “deeper levels”, is quite well anchored, solid, strong, secure, but it’s the upper/surface layers, and at least fair bit in/towards the middle, that gets knocked/influenced about far too easily.   Not sure exactly why that is, or even particularly how it is.  And … some things have much more influence than others.  Not sure exactly why that is, either.  But, e.g., some examples (and also counter-examples).  Close friend I quite trust and like.  Opinions, thoughts, comments, reactions – even lack thereof – that’ll often knock how I feel all over the place … from quite good/excellent, to quite cr*p – and most anything between.  But at the same time, even from very much the same person, some, even many, of those opinions, thoughs, comments, reactions, and even lack thereof, will often have little to no impact or influence.  Not sure particularly what makes such a huge difference there.  I’m guessing it’s probably some combination of – and I don’t know the weighting – or even which factors may not even be significant or applicable at all – how the person feels about/towards me, and/or more specifically regarding item/matter/comment at hand, how I feel about that/them, how significant – or insignificant that item/issue is to me, how strong/secure/grounded I am and feel in/around that area – or much more insecure/raw/exposed/vulnerable and not so well grounded or such in that area, whether and to what extent I value/trust/believe their thoughts/opinion/perspective on the matter at hand, my thoughts/perspective on the matter (agree, disagree, shocked and surprised by their observation/commentary – pleasantly or unpleasantly, or not at all surprised), and probably additional factors that don’t jump to mind or I’ve not thought of.  What about “others” – other persons and random influences.  Some influence fairly similarly, some have close to zero or zero impact.  E.g. work, coworkers, random happenings at work – some stuff will rather majorly impact my mood and how I feel (even if/when it quite ought not do so at all), and other things – even which one might think would significantly to majorly impact my mood and how I feel – or would likely impact most people – will often have quiet small to zero or so impact.  Again, not sure why that is.  But I’d guess relatively similar set, but of different factors, play into such – some of which cause much impact, others little to zero impact.   And yet others, zero or close to zero impact.  E.g. random stranger who doesn’t know me from a whole in the ground – what they say to me, perhaps even do to me, will typically have zero to dang near zero impact.  Probably mostly because I also don’t know them at all, and haven’t developed any kind of opinion of their perspective/opinion/comment or the like – so I don’t yet value it – positively or negatively.  Rather like it’s just some random piece of data, which may not at all necessarily be valid data.  A mere piece of data, which may not really be information, nor at all useful, at least in-and-of-itself.  Yet, on the other hand, and somewhat analogous to good friend, for those I like, wish to influence, or most notably wish to have like and care about me and be interested in me, well, their opinions, reactions, etc. of/towards me, can quite majorly impact how I feel – even if it quite ought not to – regardless, it does.  Not sure how to “fix” all that, or even if it’s “fixable”, per se.  I am human after all – and that includes a lot of imperfections, and, egad, feelings and emotions and the like.

Fickle, flighty, (partially) “ungrounded”.  And I say “partially”, ’cause deeper down, things are quite solid, etc.  But what can, does, and/or might “fix” that, or make that a whole helluva lot better?  Relationship?  Ah, “yes” … but a somewhat qualified “yes”.  Sure, great, wondeful, solid, nurturing, caring, supportive (but not coddling, etc.) relationship – that helps … helps a whole helluva lot.  I think I’ve generally quite been at my best when in such relationship.  Unfortunately that’s been way too small a percentage of the time.  But, really, also, shouldn’t “need” a relationship for that – or at least not for most of that.  I ought be able to, at least mostly, quite do that for myself.  After all, it’s not like I’m not worth it and don’t “deserve” such support, care, etc. And I’m sure quite excellent at providing such to someone else (despite the fact that I can’t friggin’ get a date – but that’s another matter … having folks that actually finally get to know me very well, actually like, even very much love me – that, at least generally, ain’t been a problem … problem there has mostly been meeting folks, social interaction, and getting anywhere reasonably close to the point where anyone actually knows me reasonably well at all – most just don’t, and never will – very few exceptions to that that are, or ever even were, on the planet).  So, … I ought somehow manage to better nurture and support myself, etc.  And most especially when I feel like cr*p – as I don’t so much “need” such support when I feel good/excellent – or even mostly “okay”.  “Love thyself.”?  I’ve never been particularly good at that – and also tends not to work well for me.  I can end up with an attitude (arrogance, etc.), that is rather to highly counter-productive (not to mention being rather off-putting, etc.) – so that ain’t exactly the answer.  But at least it’s not like I “hate myself” or anything like that.  More generally, and typically, it’s more like “like myself” – which for the most part, and most of the time, seems quite “good enough”.  But how do I better care for myself – notably nurture, support, etc., when I feel quite like crud?  When I most could use the support, and, as is far too often the case, there’s nobody else there to support and care for me, so, … it comes down to me.  How do I well, or at least reasonably, do that, and when I feel least “capable” of doing so?  And why, when I feel so quite “down” like that, can I still rather to quite well care for and help others, and do so helluva lot better than I can manage to do so for myself?  Hmmmm… I don’t know, and quite unsure how to “fix” that, or even significantly improve that.  But if/were I able to, or when I could do so, I think that’d make for … well, not only help me feel better and “recover” better and the like, but also would make for a “more solid core” – and … especially a lot of those upper/surface layers, and much of the “in the middle”, that seems/feels far too fickle/flighty, and easily influenced about in how I feel – much more “knocked and blown about” than seems ought to be the case.

People, connections, interaction/social – vs. “things” and inanimates and the like.  Yes, (semi-)random additional things, but very important.  I feel rather to quite ripped/torn/conflicted.  Trying, pulling, going and attempting to go, in two very distinct and different (if not almost diametrically opposed – or at least orthogonal) directions at the same time.  Notably being – trying to be more “connected’ … social interaction and attempts thereof, e.g., hell, attempting to actually like gain some good friend(s) – like ones I could actually quite have a meaningful significant conversation with – and about stuff I actually deeply felt and cared about … yeah, okay, so unfortunately not exactly anywhere close to that (sure, one good friend – but can’t exactly do the communication thing much – and no, I ain’t gonna explain).  So, sure, a major “gap” there that I’d very much like to fill.  Hell, ideally, a relationship – damn fine excellent one, etc., etc., but, heck, a decent friend I could quite communicate and converse with would be a good start (and heck, prerequisite).  So, sure, want to have that, want to work on that.  “But” (excuses, excuses?).  Its hard, damn friggin’ hard.  Trying so damn hard, over and over and over and over, etc., and even often rather to quite getting the hopes up – yes, something here ‘n there, often seems like maybe, just maybe there might be some real possibility there, and … disappointment after disappointment after crushing dissappointment, ad nauseum.  It’s friggin’ hard, damn hard.  And, especially after a while, it can get, not only highly discouraging, but really, frankly, friggin’ exceedingly depressing.  The trying and trying and trying ad infinitum with (mostly) nothing but failure, failure, failure, failure, ad infinitum, it friggin’ hurts, hurts like hell, and is damm f*cking depressing and discouraging (with negligible to zero exception), so, really, after a while, I just can’t do it – can’t face it, can’t even try – at all, … gotta take a break from it – pull back, “regroup”.  Just often not up for it, especially after so many continuous defeats and nothing but.  So, … I stop trying and quite pull back … at least for a while.  Maybe even sometimes fairly long while.  It’s not like I don’t want the friendship, connection, etc., it’s really just that I can’t friggin’ bear the pain of too many oft repeated defeats.  Just friggin’ can’t stand or tolerate it any more.  So, at least sometimes, quite have to step back from it.  Take a break … at the least.  And, really, thing I often, perhaps too often, find myself pondering, is maybe I really ought just totally give up on that.  Not even friggin’ try.  Whole lot of resource burn, for about zero results.  Sure, would be my loss (and theirs), but really, is it worth it?  Only so much time in my life.  I’m already past 50.  Some things I’m good at, even very good at.  But … social interactions, making friends?  Not one of them – not even anywhere close.  Maybe I ought just friggin’ give up on that, stop trying … period, and “just” work on stuff I am good and effective at.  And just friggin’ learn to deal with it – be friggin’ alone and lonely … forever.  Just figure out how to be, live, and deal with that “okay” anyway … forever.  Maybe I’m just not “wired” for establishing quality interactions with humans.  Yeah, I can quite do the quality interactions, … it’s the getting there that I highly suck at.  Maybe I ought just very much give up on that – maybe it’s just not fixable.

So, pulled in “conflicting” different (opposite?  or orthogonal) directions.  Yeah, sure, there’s the obvious – “connection”, social interaction, friends (or attempts thereof), relationship (yeah, fat chance ‘o that).  Try more, harder, differently, and again and again.  Or friggin’ just give up, walk away, don’t try, try not to even think about it.  Sure there’s that.  But also (orthogonal?) – inanimates.  Objects, things, electronics/computers/code.  I’m very well accomplished there.  Could probably also yet do helluva lot more and even better there.  So, maybe, I, at least mostly, just focus a lot more time/energy/attention there.  Keep tryin’ to make the world a much better place … just me not at all much connected to any other person(s) at all, in how I go about doing that, … “that’s all”.  Hey, at least it’s something I’m quite good at.  Helluva lot more “comforting”, or at least reassuring, to pour lots of time, effort, energy, resources, etc., into something and … actually have it go rather to exceedingly well.  Rather than nothing (or almost nothing) but failure after failure after failure after failure after failure.  After a while, it’s like, why the hell keep working at what one fails at and is, apparently very obviously no good at?  Why not instead pour the time/focus/energies into what one is actually at least decent at, if not highly effective, good, and competent at?  So, yeah, I do feel myself rather to, even highly, “pulled” in that direction.  Rather like, “The f*uck with people” (well, at least me attemtpting to establish meaningful connections, anyway), and rather, just deal with, work on, etc. inanimates – and in areas where I’m rather to highly good and effective.  Maybe I make people’s lives better by making them easier, more comfortable, more efficient, healthier, safer, more convenient, more effective, etc., etc., without, myself, ever “connecting” with anybody.  Maybe that’s (mostly) “all” I’m cut out to do, and can reasonably do or hope to achieve.  So, “do something” – yeah, I mostly find myself leaning very heavily in favor of the inanimates.  Maybe humans mostly just suck at connecting.  Or maybe it’s our so called “civilization” and society that’s so bad at it.  Or maybe it’s just me that so highly sucks at it (though seems it’s quite a significant portion of the population that seems/feels so rather to highly disconnected – so seems the “problem”/issue is helluva lot broader than “just me” – though I may still be quite in the minority, though a sizable minority).  So, yeah, computers is my friend – sure, no human warmth, no touch, no meaningful intelligent conversation, no “humanity” to ’em, but sure as hell got their advantages too – never hate, despise, or even dislike anyone (or like or love – whatever), they don’t abandon or walk away or ignore, never start or perpetuate wars or aggression – certainly not by themselves or of their own volition, exceedingly logical, just do precisely and exactly what they’re told, really no faults of their own to speak of (“This sort of thing has cropped up before, and it has always been due to human error.” – HAL 9000, 2001: A Space Odyssey).  So, maybe some day – or in cumulative impact – I’ll manage to do something that makes the planet a much nicer place to live, or at least improves human lives for some fair number of people, or quite possibly many more.  And maybe nobody will ever know it was me that did it – and maybe that’s just as well anyway.  Maybe I won’t even know.

And yeah it friggin’ hurts.  No, I don’t want pitty; besides, pitty parties suck.  So what, I can deal with it.  Ain’t gonna kill me (at least not quickly, anyway).