yet more random “stuff”

Life story.  In 5 minutes or less.  Live, in person, in front of an audience – “open mic” – but no microphone.  No notes, all true.  Yeah, I did that recently … kind’a.  Audience of about 30 or 40 or so people, perhaps about 6 to 10 of which I sort’a kind’a knew – essentially just handful of acquaintances, the rest strangers to me.  Without more specifically identifying the event, did require telling a story, at least to be more than spectator, and not necessarily at all life story, but needed to be true and delivered with no notes.  I’m kind’a inclined to type up – blog – what I covered, or perhaps even better, what I’d intended to cover or would like to have covered.  But 5 minutes of talking is a lot of typing – and even more to properly edit it on blog and such – would quickly turn 5 minutes into an hour or two or more of typing and editing.  I think I’ll do that later – if at all.  But for now, what I will cover.  Meta.  Bit about how that went, why I did it, etc.  It was kind of a “what the hell”.  Social gathering I could go to – or totally skip out on – really quite didn’t care one way or the other.  Was neither looking forward to it, nor dreading it.  Really didn’t make up my mind to go until about the last feasible minute (had a bit of travel to get to there).  So I opted to go.  Could’a just been a spectator, and not told a story, but I figured, “what the hell”, risk it – sort’a don’t give a f*ck, and not a whole helluva lot to lose, so, … try.  And to pick a story.  I had many possibilities in mind.  But, one of them, was essentially do life story – or some reasonably brief abridged version, in 5 minutes or less.  I figured I could approximately do that.  50 years old, minute per decade … yeah, I could do something like that.  So I did.  Mix of highlights and lowlights – probably quite a bit more of the latter than former.  Funny bits?  Uhm, sure, got some laughs and smiles – but probably more from tragedies and ironies than much or any “ha ha” funny.  But at least somewhat amusing nevertheless – and probably much easier and more amusing when it’s someone else, and not self.  But what the hell, good to laugh at oneself, eh? … at least a little bit?  I didn’t care – whatever.  Stories were also scored – bit of a contest.  I did not want to win – last thing I wanted was some (semi-)obligation to go on to further competition – and whatever the “prizes” were, I didn’t want those, either.  So I didn’t practice at all – other than just some bits of trying to approximately put it together in my head before delivering it.  And I didn’t place for a prize.  Though quite sufficiently well received, I did get I think the lowest score.  But that was fine, it was still quite a respectable score, and quite close to where many of the scores were.  And the person who added it up to score it didn’t even add it up correctly – so it showed a total significantly lower than actual for me – but I didn’t call that out at all – didn’t care – I’d still (barely) have the lowest total score.  So, besides a “low” score and some bits of laughs, how it go?  Oh, seemed well received enough.  Some folks certainly complimented me on my telling it and such, but nobody commented at all on any specific bit of it – save only one exception by one person.  And was it deeply personal stuff?  Sure, kind’a.  Definitely highly real, and certainly personal stuff – but what the hell.  I wasn’t sharing anybody else’s “secrets” or the like … didn’t name any names or give anything identifiable.  Heck, no one there knew or got more than the first letter of my last name; nothing more identifiable than a college of many thousands or tens of thousands of students – didn’t even pin down any precisely “when”.  But lots of stuff that happened – significant stuff – and how I was treated, felt, did and didn’t do, etc.  Whatever.  Did I feel tense and nervous delivering it?  Eh, slightly, but not much – despite the content, and the not being very well prepared.  Perhaps quite a bit of “I really don’t f*ckin’ care” attitude – for better or worse, also made delivering it considerably easier.  Maybe sort’a kind’a an act of “desperation”?  Perhaps not – or not entirely … but probably at least in part.  Yeah, no microphone.  And my voice isn’t that loud – especially for extended talking.  But at a mere 5 minutes, and fairly small and fairly quiet audience … well, no idea if people towards the back could hear me … but I figure the 1/3 to 1/2 or so towards the front likey heard me quite well enough.  Folks further back?  No idea – maybe they mostly just reacted to those in front of them – along with what they could see.  Eye contact?  Yeah, I suck at that.  Mostly “information dump”.  Though looking at the audience the whole time, it was almost much more like staring off into space – other than I did change around the direction I was looking fairly regularly – as if I was looking at folks – but I really wasn’t.  More like I was looking through them, or “beyond” them, or … yet more accurately – looking at ’em as if they weren’t there! – Yes, quite that.  Despite the reactions, sounds, etc., some motion and all, even right after having delivered my story I was aware of and could recall about none of what I saw in reactions – not any bit of expression or motion seen at all – very nearly aware of none of it.  Really dang near nothing at all that I saw, or rather at all noticed/perceived – other than detecting some general mass average motion(s) at some points … but absolutely nothing “up close and personal” – even though first row was only about two feet – if that – away from me.  Just did not “see” it, … or rather, quite did not at all perceive it.  Did hear and perceive the sounds – but only as an “average mass” – didn’t pick up or note any individual responses at all.  So why’d that “work” (or “not work”, and go) that way?  Well, I do quite suck at eye contact.  Tends to distract the hell out’a me.  So, I guess, and even without thinking about it at all, very much made zero “real” eye contact at all – just faking looks/glances about – and perceived about zilch visually – guess my attention/focus was elsewhere – “information dump” – just puttin’ it out there, really highly didn’t care about or for reactions at all – certainly at least not while I was delivering it.  So, yeah, feedback loop there?  Yeah, probably damn near entirely missing – unless there was stuff I may have been picking up subconsciously that I wasn’t aware of, but I think it was that I quite blocked it out, or probably more accurately, just simply didn’t pay attention to it at all, and picked up about none of it at all.  Maybe it’s more-or-less a “survival” or coping mechanism … for me, anyway.  Eye contact distracts me a lot when I’m talking.  So, I quite effectively – if not literally – very much cut that off.  In this particular case, probably quite a bit more extremely than “usual” for me, but in the “usual” case for me, probably quite similar – just not quite as extreme.  And yeah, probably too, ’cause the particular material – relatively difficult and hard to say it and put it out there – so probably yet more focus on that – and aversion to any “real” eye contact as I delivered it.  And, all said-and-done, how’d it go?  And no, I don’t mean the scoring of my story telling, or even much how it went as I told it, but … after that, … connections, communication … really anything out of it of note?  Naw.  Quite nothing.  Nothing at all – at least thus far.  Maybe some teensy increase in probability of “connection” if/when I see some of those folks again, but there really ain’t much there at all – pretty close to a nothing.  Did I like doing it, would I do it again?  Don’t really give a sh*t.  It was kind’a like a “what the hell” experiment.  Nothin’ really all that noteworthy or exceptional to note of it, no major benefits, maybe not even any minor ones, but hey, at least it didn’t hurt too much, so I guess it was at least “okay” or whatever.  Bit of something to fill the time, anyway.  I don’t know about usefully, though.  Maybe I would’a been better off using the same time (especially out and back and all) burying my head in some technical stuff.  And, listening to the other stories?  Oh, there were a very slight few or couple or less that were rather to quite good.  The rest, pretty darn lame – at least to me – though some at least moderately entertaining regardless.  And yeah, I still ought “type up” (blog) that story (more-or-less) at some point.  If nothin’ else, do have one good friend that would read it, that doesn’t know much or most, or at least quite a bit, of what I told.  Yeah, could say we’ve not had those conversations, much as I wish such would be quite possible and a were it a good thing to have such conversation(s) with said friend.

Why blog?  Yeah, I’m realizing more and more – I blog ’cause I need to – very much nowhere else for it to go for me – so it ends up on blog.  Definitely not my first choice – more like about dead last – with all other options removed, … so, … it ends up “here”.  And I need be cautious with and cognizant of that.  Definitely has some hazards, e.g. particularly among “what the hell” attitude bits.  Sort’a like I don’t care what happens to me – not entirely true, but rather true in significant part.  But, it’s not just about me.  What I do/say/how … even blog, does impact others (and burn their resources) – so I need to try and remain reasonably cognizant of that, and properly well consider it – though I fear I may slip up at least some modest bits on that.  Too damn self-absorbed in sucky mood to really better handle things as I often should.  I find myself catching myself on that.  But should catch myself on such before such errors are made, rather than after.  Harder to fix after the fact – if such is then even “fixable”.  So, yeah, e.g. so I try to not say “too much” here – particularly identifiable bits – but more recently I haven’t been as good on that as I probably ought be.  Been a bit sloppy – putting my needs first or … more accurately, not giving proper consideration and attention regarding others and their feelings and privacy, etc. – just too damn self-absorbed to notice that quite as much as I should.  So, … not sure where all this is gonna go.  But in any case, I am most very definitely far from perfect.  And I apologize for that.  I do and will try to be better … but also gotta manage to survive and live, to be able to do that.

Sleep.  My sleep has been pretty weird most all my adult life.  But perhaps a bit more disturbingly, is how my sleep has been more recently – I guess monthish or so?  Been doing quite a bit of – rather “typically” more recently, but most of last monthis or so, has commonly been come home – be it work, or not (some social thing?  Whatever), early evening, I feel quite wiped.  I just drop and sleep.  But not long – about an hour, maybe two tops.  Then I’m up, not tired, and don’t want to sleep.  But it also sucks though – too much I don’t wanna.  Whereas “normally” (for me, anyway), when I’m awake, I’m generally doing stuff I at least sort of to rather or quite like – whatever it might happen to be.  But, with sucky mood and far too much “I don’t wanna” – it’s cr*p.  Awake, “nothing to do” – well certainly nothing I want to do – so most of it filling time – blogging, or doing some other cr*p I really just don’t all that much (or at all, particularly) care to do – filling time.  Yeah, not good.  And it’s not like I’m tired.  Just up – as in awake, and don’t want to or care to go back to sleep.  Dreams have been mostly utter cr*p, if anything at all, and dreams or not, the sleep not exactly “refreshing” – really nothing beyond some bit of biological necessity.  So no real looking forward to the sleep or enjoying it.  And that goes on until … when I have to get up “for real” for the day, or maybe about an hour or so (if even that) shy of it – and I try to more-or-less “force” myself to get some bit more sleep before I have to properly get up for the day.  Anyway, quite sucks like that, and not my “usual” pattern at all.  I think fair bit of it’s stress – and not the good kind.  Far too much not looking forward to or enjoying the sleep – or the awake, or the work or heading off to it – or coming back from it, or … frankly, much of anything.  So, yeah, sleep has been unusually more cruddy for me lately than “usual” (and the “usual” being not cruddy – but … well, unusual compared to most people).  But I guess in slightly good news, sleep seems to be shifting about some – don’t know that it’s shifting more towards what is “usual” and “typical” for me – but … seems to be moving towards a more “workable” pattern that doesn’t suck quite so much.  Not sure exactly what kind’a pattern yet – as it doesn’t seem very settled in … yet – but it does seem to be doin’ some shifting – and that’s likely a good thing – at least relative to where it has otherwise been recently.  Heh, and I overheard a coworker today remarking “only got four hours sleep last night” … heh, that’s a lot closer to my typical, and last night I got about (adding up the pieces …) 3 hours sleep (about an hour chunk fairly early on, and then about a 2 hour chunk fair while after I’d wound down from completing long blog posting at 3:27 A.M.)  Anyway, that was a few days or so ago … still finishing off writing/editing this blog entry as I type this (now 2013-05-19).   And not exactly writing this blog top-to-bottom in either “reporting” it in chronological order, or even writing it in such an order.  “Ooops”?  Not really, whatever.

Diet.  My diet has been rather sucky.  Been trying to fairly adjust that.  Most notably, past many months or more – well, most notably, appetite has been mostly missing – pretty much all the time.  I’m rather sure that’s mostly “just” from the crud mood.  So, … I tend to not eat – until I’m “starving” – well, actually at least moderately hungry (if that), or … I just sort’a figure it’s been “way too long”, and, set myself about to eat something – and often quite a bit … sort’a make up meal for … up to 48 hours or so.  So, yeah, not a good pattern – not eat, for up to about 2 days, then stuff my face until I’m quite full or really can’t eat any more, lather, rinse, repeat.  My body tolerates that dang well – “lucky me”.  But regardless, adds more stress on the body, and certainly far from ideal.  So, … one thing I “learned” to do many years ago, or essentially “trained myself” for … my “high stress diet”.  My “high stress diet” is relatively simple.  Most notably, under high stress, my appetite tends to be quite similar to with my (far too long running now generally) sucky mood.  Mostly tend to not get hungry (or forget about or don’t pay attention to food, or otherwise too preoccupied or don’t want to think about food or whatever) – so I’d not eat, ’till “starving”, then eat lots ’till stuffed, … and repeat.  Certainly not good and adds more stress to body when already under and excess of stress.  So, quite recently, what I’ve been trying to do, is something relatively akin to my “high stress diet” – which is really pretty simple.  My “high stress diet” – what/how I try to feed myself when I find myself under high stress (particularly when it runs for day(s) or more) – eat reasonable quantities of reasonably healthy food at reasonable intervals.  Nothin’ horribly complex to remember, measure, include or exclude or anything at all like that.  Just a very basic set of “rules”/guidelines to follow and rather consistently apply – and not horribly strict about it.  Just remember it, keep it in mind, and practice it.  That’s my “high stress diet”.  Anyway, last, … about week or so, been trying to do something approximating my “high stress diet.  Not that it’s gonna fix much or anything, or make me feel a whole lot better, or even much, if at all.  But, even if not under “high stress”, my stress levels have been and are on the at least somewhat elevated side of things – I can even quite feel it – and sense the stress – anyway, not good stress.  So, even if not “high” stress level(s), certainly elevated.  So, probably good to apply the “high stress diet”, or some reasonable approximation thereof.  Be one less thing adding to the stress, so can’t hurt, and might help – even if only some slight bit.  Can’t say I feel or notice the difference at all.  But, … there’s probably at least some difference there – and probably some slight bit of an improvement.  So, … I pro’lly ought generally keep that up.  “Approximation”?  Yeah, not exactly my “high stress diet”, but at least sort’a roughly – more regular feedings, quantities, relatively healthy (I tend to eat fairly healthy stuff anyway, but paying a bit more attention to that).  That’s all – nothin’ complex, but probably helps at least some wee bit.

The job.  Quiet.  Ah, so, started a new job not too long ago … well, more than a month, less than two.  Not gonna detail it much, and certainly not going to “identify” it, but I’ll mention some rather to quite relevant bits.  So, some rather odd and unusual bits about it, and perhaps rather to especially so for me and my “situation” and all.  Cubicle – yeah, nothin’ odd or unusual about that.  Been in such almost 100% of the last 18+ years, at least when I’ve been working, and that’s all been in San Francisco in that particular time range.  But there are some things “odd”, and quite unique about it – even among all other such cubicle (and even) office environments I’ve ever seen (at least in person) and all that I’ve ever worked in.  It’s quiet.  Way quiet.  Most libraries are much “loud”er!  Week ago Friday, I had in mind to demonstrate to friend how incredibly quiet.  So, work, computer … hook up external microphone (to avoid picking up noise direct from the computer itself – like hard drive or fan vibration/noise), turn the microphone sensitivity all the way up, and atop that, turn on a +10 dB gain on the microphone (essentially doubling the sensitivity/gain atop being already all the way up).  And I recorded – minute or two – around and through precisely noon, and again, around and through precisely 4pm.  And what’s to be heard on the recording?  Well, first of all, turned up that high on the sensitivity and gain, can hear stuff that one normally wouldn’t hear or notice.  So mostly just hear some indistinct … hum?  Or sound of air moving?  Not sure what precisely – or may be combination – computer about 2 feet away from microphone, maybe rumble of its fan or hard drive or power supply on the desk.  Or the air circulation system of the building.  Or the hum of some florescent light ballasts.  Or the sound of the fairly distant elevators towards the central core of the building, as they go up and down within their shafts.  Not sure exactly what sounds, but likely one or more or mix of those.  For the most part, nothing else to be heard at all.  Sure, some sounds.  Sounds of a zipper zipping – a coworker in an adjacent cubicle over a high cube wall getting ready to go out to lunch.  Flush of a toilet in the distance – over a cube wall, around the bend of a wall, through a door – about 20 feet away.  Sound of a door closing – about twenty feet away – entry/exit door from the floor – that at right around 4pm on a Friday  Just a single such door closing – not a rush of people leaving the floor, or heaven forbid people saying “bye” to each other as they head off for the weekend, no, just one single door closing of one single person leaving the door right around 4pm on a Friday.  The distant chiming and sounds of a single clock/bell tower about half a mile away and about 200 feet below – heard over the silence in the office – and through the exterior walls and sealed shut thick insulating glass windows.  Nothing else to be heard.  Quite typical for that office space; but damn quiet, exceedingly unusual compared to any office spaces I’ve ever been in – at least during normal working hours, anyway.  And it’s quite typically that quiet in this office.  I think even so much so in this office, that folks have gotten quite used to it, and often when folks do actually talk in the office, they talk with quite quiet lowered voices.  Perhaps just to keep it quiet, or … to not be heard, word-for-word, at 20 or 25 or more feet away because there is no other sound or noise in the office – at least not enough to otherwise prevent them from being heard over quite a distance.  And yes, in this office, so quiet, two folks having a quiet lowered voice conversation 20 or 25 or so feet away, even over a high cubicle wall or two – I can hear every word of their conversation, because there is no louder or even comparably loud sound or noise.  Sometimes, not uncommonly, I’ll hear someone typing – not loud typing, but just simple relatively quiet typing, on a computer keyboard … from 20 to 25 or more feet away, and over at least two high cubicle walls – because there is nothing louder to hear.  Yeah, damn quiet office.

The job.  Isolated.  And also way damn isolated office/space for me.  Work, employment, … more social interaction, right?  Hardly.  First of all, rather large office floor.  Office floor like that in San Francisco, might typically be set up (without change of walls or actual offices on it) to have around 150 or so people on it.  Well, the cubicles on this office floor are very spacious – not posh, but the largest cubicles I’ve ever seen in any office – certainly at least where I’ve worked, and probably ever.  Perhaps only exception I might possibly have seen somewhere is, where instead of any actual offices, those were also just cubicle and partition walls – but full ceiling height partitions with thicker cubicle constructed “walls”, and similarly constructed cubicle ceilings over them with lights and panels closed off, and cubicle doors ‘n all that – really cubicle “offices” constructed, rather than “permanent” walled offices – I think in a few cases I’ve seen those larger than the cubicles on this office floor – but other than that possible exception, I’ve never seen larger cubicles.  Certainly never larger open cubicles like this – though the cubicle “walls” / partitions are tall – about 5.5 ft. or so tall – which also tends to cut down on the noise and travel of sound.  So, big cubicles.  Very spacious cubicles.  But, only one person per cubicle – whereas they could easily and comfortably put two people per cubicle, with the cubicles being that large (and in a very few rare instances on the floor I’ve seen them do that – but only one I know of).  All very fully allocated.  Yeah, … allocated – to bodies, … that mostly aren’t there!  On a typical workday during typical working hours, about 75 to 80% or more of the cubicles have no bodies in them.  I remember one typical mid-afternoon workday, I walked about half the floor, counting up bodies, to estimate how many bodies total on the entire floor.  Half the floor – 5 bodies – including myself, double that for the entire floor – estimated only 10 bodies total.  Pretty darn desolate.  And, … it took them about a week to get a cubicle allocated.  Yeah, all allocated – to bodies mostly not there.  And, did I get one right alongside coworkers in my group?  Oh no – those cubicles are of course allocated (to bodies not there).  So I’m quite a distance away from any of the (very few) peers in my group that work on that floor – about 30 or more ft. away – with one exception at about 25 ft.  And, like most other bodies on the floor, mostly/often not there anyway.  So, often if I go walk around to the areas where the other coworkers in my group sit, they’re often not there – not only many of them not there, but not too uncommonly all, or all but one of them not there.  Yeah, not a whole lot of interaction – mostly owing to the physical setup, and also fair bit the nature of the work.  Lots by email and the like.  Very little in person.  Phone?  Pretty rarely.  So, yeah, … interaction at work, like in person even, or heck, even by phone?  Without even trying to be so isolated, not unusual I go a whole workday with scarcely a word in person or by phone, with any coworker at all.  Really.  Literally.  If I pick a slightly different route into building, I may walk by and say “Good morning.” to security guard on my way in, and guard says “Good morning sir.” back to me.  Not uncommon for a workday there that’s the only words I say to or hear from any other employee/contractor at this company (company of over 10,000 employees, and in large office building of well over 15 stories).  Some slight exceptions, but not much.  Some co-workers, from different unrelated groups, in adjacent cubicles may say “hi” and “bye” on their way in/out, and I back to them, or on rare occasion (once thus far in over a month), bit of “water cooler conversation” at the (approximation of) water cooler – but so few folks on the floor, quite rare to bump into anyone there.  Ditto for restrooms – built to handle about 150 or so folks on the floor, hardly ever anyone in there, so hardly ever bump into anyone in there, or going by, or heading in/out.  Hardly ever getting on or off the floor at the elevators at same time as anyone else on the floor – not that the times are at all unusual – rather the bodies on the floor so few.  But hey, on the plus side – the job – so damn quiet, and quite very isolated – can often get quite a bit of work done that way – very few interruptions (almost none at all), and not much in the way of distractions – perhaps save the deafening silence.

A couple bits – comments – I posted on the blogs of some other(s).  Follow the (big long) links, to see my comment in context (blog where I placed that comment).

“Damsels in Distress”:

I don’t speak for others, and it of course varies among persons. Speaking for myself, however, it’s good to be wanted, appreciated, valued – that’s important. “Needed” – not so good, as in “dependent upon”. Helping, assisting, fine, but “couldn’t live without” – generally not a good thing. So, e.g. I most prefer case where woman is quite independent, or at least quite capable of being so, yet choses to be around and with me because she *wants* to, never because she *has* to. And sure, I’ve rather a soft spot for “damsel in distress” – I like to help, aid, be valued and appreciated. But I don’t care to be quite endlessly putting time/resource into unfillable sinkhole. Caring, yes, fairly generous yes; but doormat or pushover, no. One that mostly or only takes, and does little to nothing to help self, quickly becomes exceedingly unattractive.

“How do you know when the One is the One?”

Well, definitely does *not* work for everyone this way, but … my rule-of-thumb, at least for myself, is if there’s any question about it, that’s not “the one”. In the case of “the one” – there *is* no question about it! Uh, … that doesn’t necessarily mean one ought not question it *anyway*, but really, there just is no question about it. Period.

And so, how’d all that go, e.g. examples?

In 1990, my sister was going with some guy. On a weekend retreat, she met someone else. They simply hit it off splendidly; notably she was able to talk with him, like no one else before. He proposed to her that weekend, she accepted (and she cut off all contact with that other guy – poor bloke, he’d no idea what hit him, but guess it hadn’t been going that well for my sister – even if she’d not realized it). Anyway, they married, and 22+ years later, 3 kids, still married, but … all’s not well in paradise – they separated some month(s) or so ago, and ’tis not going smoothly or well. And not the first time there have been indications of trouble in paradise … but I shan’t disclose what I know of that.

In 1990 and 1991, had some communications with a particular woman. Those communications were quiet delightful and went excellently – including some quite long extended phone conversations. A bit into 1991, she’d asked me to call her, I did, we talked for quite some hours. She invited me over to continue our conversation, I same over, we did … talked until about two in the morning – when she literally fell asleep. We continued on again from there once she was awake again. By the next time we got together in person, as far as I was concerned, there was no question about it. Nearly 6 weeks later, I still thought the same. Then she went silent – I heard scarcely a thing or response from her – for at least months. It was never the same with us again, and I’ve always still missed what we had then – perhaps an impossible, but for about 6 weeks is was very real and there.

1996, I “meet”, or at least text chat with a woman on-line. I ask her where she’s from, she answers, I (virtually) shriek, run out of the room, and dive under a rock. But she doesn’t let me get away that easily. She coaxes me out, and we hit it off well. She thinks of me “like a big brother” (rats, not exactly what I was hoping for, but at over 1,000 miles away – whatever) … fast forward about 2+ years, she’d chased after some other guy she was interested in, got her heart broken, and perhaps thought *maybe* I’d be a bit more useful than a “big brother”. 1998 she visited and we met. We hit it off incredibly splendidly – yeah, madly in love, mutually, in short order. But, still, over 1,000 miles (and an international border) apart (definitely not what I would’a planned). I visit her, she visits me, I visit her, she me, etc. Far too much time apart, but still some bits/chunks of time together, and lots of communication going well and on quite frequent basis. 2004 – there *no question about it*, and quite zero reason not to, so – I propose, she *very* excitedly accepts. Over 8 years after that proposal and acceptance – too much time and distance apart, *way* too much, we’d lost far too much momentum, and didn’t seem able (and/or willing?) to fix it. Not necessarily any particular person’s “fault” – enough “blame”(/fault) to go around, though no one was “blaming” anyone. I broke it off – likely she would’ve if I’d not. She gets to keep a nice ring out of it. We’re still good friends, and … “close”, but still over 1,000 miles away, and been drifting more apart – perhaps mostly a “resettling” to newer reality – so far apart, and that improbable to change. And the *hardest* part of all that, I not only lost the relationship – or what was of that (aye, *so* much time apart!), but I lost the hope and in many ways quite the best friend too (adjusting to the reality and “permanence” of that distance – kind’a like having a good friend move far away – forever). And it still hurts a lot, ’cause not only were we so friggin’ wonderful together, but once we’d broke up, I had quite nobody – nothin’ there, not even really any friends left – way too damn alone and isolated. And I only manage to make not even like one quite good friend (or relationship) per decade. Man that sucks. I may be in for helluva dry spell.

So, yeah, “the one” – great to find that, and just *know*. But too, takes more than “just” love for a relationship to actually work – and keep working.


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