And now I look forward to …

So, (3-day) weekend gone, workweek rapidly approaching.  And so, now I look forward to … what?  Yeah, had precious little to look forward to on the whole 3-day weekend.  But I guess precious little is (slightly) better than nothing.  And, the week, next weekend, next month, etc., looking forward to … what?  Yeah, really quite nothin’ I’m looking forward to.  Finding about zilch that I enjoy.  Quite sucks.  Gotta “fix” that.  Dunno how though.  Keep goin’ through the motions.

It’s really quite bass ackwards.  What do I enjoy most?  Actually being in a good/excellent relationship with someone.  Heck, even a darn good friendship helps a lot – especially when I can actually communicate a lot and well with that friend, and they with me.  And, what do I highly suck at?  Yeah, social – finding/making friends, getting into a relationship – well, at least those “early stages” – do rather to quite excellently typically once fairly far into it … but most of the time never make it that far.  :-/  So, yeah, bass ackwards  – highly sucks, what I most enjoy – being very connected, I’m so damn friggin’ thwarted at getting to there.  Ugh.  Sucks.

And what about “everything” else – that I enjoy, or have ever enjoyed, etc.?  Guess I’m mostly just finding dang little to about zero enjoyment in such … at least with being so damn highly disconnected and effectively isolated.  Nobody to share sh*t with – not a darn thing hardly – how I feel, what I’m excited about, interested in, disappointed with or concerned  or care about, really hardly anybody.  Too damn isolated too damn long – seems it just kind’a sucks all the interest out of it for me on most everything – if not “everything”.  Really hard to care about much of anything if … well, I hardly know/feel that anyone cares about me, and damn near nobody knows me well … may quite be that really no one knows me well – at all.  Given so relatively little interaction/communication – despite much of my efforts and attempts, … yeah, … may quite be that nobody knows me at all – certainly not well.  Or, … if not zero persons knowing me well, fairly close to that (maybe one semi-well?).  I keep wishing/hoping – hell “fantasizing” – that I am or would be better known/understood, but … the reality?  I really don’t know – at best maybe fairly known/understood by one – but I don’t know if even one knows me that well.

So, yeah, I’ve been having quite the hard time finding anything to look forward to, or finding much of anything to enjoy.  Maybe I manage to find grand total of a few hours or so per week, of something I more-or-less enjoy, … even slightly.  And other than that?  Yeah, … nothin’.  Ugh.  Way too damn much I don’t wanna.  E.g. don’t wanna sleep – nothin’ to look forward to about being asleep (dreams mostly absent/unremembered, or mostly pretty sucky), nothin’ to look forward to ’bout being up/awake (to do what? – Anything I enjoy?  Is there anything?).  Yeah, no reason to go to sleep (or so it feels), no reason to wake up, and yet I do anyway, each feeling like a burden.  Yuck.  Got bit less than 3 hrs. sleep overnight.  No big deal – pretty typical for me.  But what is and continues to be a “big deal” – ain’t got sh*t to look forward to.  Way too damn alone/lonely/isolated … even amongst sea of people – and sometimes that only makes it feel a friggin’ helluva lot worse.  Hell, I’m even quite sh*t at trying to help others.  Try like hell there too, but seems hardly anyone wants my “help” – hardly/barely at all.  Feel pretty damn useless and unwanted.  Maybe I am?  Okay, work wants me.  Big damn deal.  Just a body with some skills – nothin’ horribly unique there.

And so it goes.  Dang, and isn’t this blog posting far too redundant?  Yeah, it is.  Maybe I’m redundant[1] too.

1. No longer needed or useful; superfluous.
Synonyms: superfluous – unnecessary – needless – excessive – spare

Hmmmm… don’t even feel spared.


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