Archive for November, 2013

“You have a peculiar way of communicating.”

2013-11-27 06:54:24 PDT

“You have a peculiar way of communicating.” – said to me, unsolicited, rather recently. I didn’t find the remark particularly surprising at all. Actually, bit refreshing that someone just came out and made that remark, rather than not say it. Not sure that I’d know how to communicate “differently” than I do, or really any other way. Not sure what a non-peculiar way of communicating would be like, or if I’d even know how to do so or could at all.

Analogies suck, but … might be like remarking to a zerbra, “You’re very high contrast striped compared to most all the other animals – quite peculiar that. Could you, uhm, like not do that?” … or, … perhaps just observation, and not a request – implied, or otherwise.

Or, perhaps as Popeye would say, “I yam what I yam.”

Thanksgiving rapidly approaches. Perhaps I ought consume some yam.

random bits: conversations (& not), appetite, stress, exercise, Xmas

2013-11-21 04:18:27 PDT

Some random bits.

Appetite. Most of the past about 2 years, it’s been rather down with me – seems mostly to generally correlate to mood. “Oh well”. Though, at least, roughly last couple months or therabouts, it’s generally doing at least somewhat better. Interesting recent observation. Stumbled into apparently one combination that seems to make me quite ravenous – not that it’s a recommended combination. Toss in lots of stress, not good stress (like exercise), but the bad/negative kind of stress, add to that a fair chunk of exercise / physical exertion – not some moderate amounts like (for me) an hour or so total of moderate exercise per day give or take, but more like 2 to 3 or more hours per day, with most of that being moderately to fairly strenuous – something that gives the muscles a rather good work-out and fair stressing for fair while. Anyway, that combination seems to get me on the quite hungry to rather or maybe even very ravenous side. Stress alone does not do it – have lots of experience with that. Under stress (alone), appetite is generally mostly missing in action (MIA – nowhere to be found) – though it occasionally pops up after about a day or 2 of not eating. Yeah, right, … not good. Hence my “high stress diet” – eat reasonable quantities of reasonable food at reasonable frequency – lest, under stress, I generally otherwise forget to eat … ’till I’m starving, … then stuff my face, and … forget about it again ’till that repeats – not so good. The “high stress diet” is much more reasonable under such circumstances – and avoids piling yet more stress on the body. So, … bad stress plus lots of exercise/exertion appears to yield appetite. Hmmm, maybe that does or would even work without the nasty stress in the mix? I dunno. Maybe I ought try it more often – sans the nasty stress part of it.

Conversations. Had very few of those in recent year(s) – particularly of any significant length, and also especially more than just idle chit-chat. “Oh well”. Did at least have a nice short conversation not too long ago. All of a whopping 2 block walk, anyway. Still, better than nothin’ I guess – not that it’s probable to ever happen again – don’t have contact info. on the person – just random stranger … and … heck, even if I did have contact info., I’d probably never hear back from the person – that’s just how it almost always goes for me. Anyway, maybe bit that worked in that particular case … try and start up the conversation with … the akward person – the person who seemed akward/nervous – even at least rather shy too. And, what may happen? Oh, … they might shy away more, or even run like hell, … who knows, … or, … maybe they’re damn glad someone actually tried to talk to them (quite possibly for a change), welcome it, and respond rather to quite enthusiastically. I think that’s what happened with that 2 block long conversation I had not too long ago. Did strike up (what’s the past tense of strike? Striked? “Striked up a conversation”? “Stroked up a conversation”? – somehow just does not sound correct, … not that English necessarily sounds correct when it is correct, … friggin’ illogical inconsistent language that it is) … anyway, did strike up a conversation … with someone who seems pretty akward/nervous – probably even kind’a shy, … and, … well, went well – at least for the 2 blocks that there was, anyway. “Just” a random stranger. Yeah, one of the dang few of any conversations I’ve had in the past few weeks or so. So what else is new?

Bloody holidays ‘n all that – I do not like. Yeah, most especially Xmas. I really despise all that shopping – mostly for folks I hardly know that I’ll not see or hardly ever see, or will at most see briefly, if at all. And, what do I get out of it? … not that that is or ought be what it’s about, but really, I get damn near nothing out of it. Mostly stuff – almost all of which I don’t want anyway (most of ’em don’t know me hardly at all, and certainly not near well enough to know what I’d actually want, … okay, not that there’s much of anything someone could buy me that I’d want anyway), and some very little time, with folks I rarely see, most of whom live rather to quite far away anyway. To a very large extent, I’m not in, or no longer am in, their lives, nor they in mine. Not quite 100% the case, but pretty darn close. I like what, hear from those folks, for the most part, at most once a year? And many of ’em not even that – don’t even really “hear” from them – some not at all. Maybe I get a card or package. But meet ’em, or actually even have a phone conversation? No, just doesn’t happen. Anyway, still tryin’ to figure what the hell my “strategy” for Xmas and all that is this year, … if I even have, or will have one. Does really need to change – what I’ve done just doesn’t work – well, sure as hell doesn’t work for me anyway. And most all of ’em are adults, not like they’d be crushed if they didn’t get some gift from me – likewise probably mostly stuff they also don’t really want anyway. F*ck this commercial Xmas stuff. Yuck. Yeah, somethin’ like nice “family” vacation together would be hella much better, and less stressful. But, ain’t gonna happen. Folks are far too busy buyin'(/makin’) and wrappin’ and shipping sh*t, among other stuff. Okay, so it’s not all sh*t, but … most of it is … more-or-less … even if quite well intended. Might be much nicer, for the most part, to get the intentions, and not the stuff.

4:08 A.M. – what, me, sleep? Yeah, the “usual”.

And so it goes.

Yet another test: Dr. Phil’s Test: I scored … 52

2013-11-18 05:44:32 PDT

Yet another test. I saw this one floating around on Farcebook. And no, I’m not gonna forward it to everyone I know, or any ‘o that cr*p. I don’t go for chain [e]mail or the like.

Anyway, one can find the “Dr. Phil’s Test” here. And no, I didn’t validate its authenticity or anything like that, but image I saw on link to it claims “Dr. Phil scored 55. He did this test on Oprah — she got 38.”

Anyway, I scored 52.

Oh, and it says this for “51 to 60 points”:

Others see you as exciting, highly volatile
rather impulsive personality; a natural leader,
one who’s quick to make decisions, though not
always the right ones. They see you as bold and
adventuresome, someone who will try anything
once; someone who takes chances and enjoys an
adventure. They enjoy being in your company
because of the excitement you radiate.

Hmmm, yeah, whatever, I don’t think that descriptor fits me very well at all. Do you think otherwise?

I think the description for “31 to 40 points” comes closer to describing me, and probably “closest fit” among the descriptors for various point ranges given:
“31 to 40 points”:
“Others see you as sensible, cautions, careful and
practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or
talented, but modest. Not a person who makes
friends too quickly or easily, but someone who’s
but someone who’s extremely loyal to friends you do make and who
expect the same loyalty in return. Those who
really get to know you realize it takes a lot to
shake your trust in your friends, but equally that
it takes you a long time to get over it if that trust
is ever broken.”

My breakdown of the score (maybe take the test before looking specifically at how I answered?):

  1. c 6
  2. a 6
  3. c 5
  4. a 4
  5. a 6
  6. b 4
  7. a 6
  8. c 5
  9. a 7
  10. c 3

Total: 52
“Of course” many of the answers were just “closest fit”/”best match” – which may not have necessarily been all that close, … just closest/nearest, among the options offered. And not that I think the test means diddly or much of anything, but … whatever.

And, after writing all that (and posting it), I did take about 2 seconds to peek – and it failed the sniff test (yeah, I was skeptical to start with). Oh, and “of course” – “I saw it on The Internet, so it must be true!” – yeah, right. Have a look here, among numerous other sources.

Dream – and (partial) interpretation

2013-11-16 08:29:04 PDT

So, right around a week ago, had a dream. And at least part of that dream was unsettling. Nightmare? No, not really – but I’ll explain that in a bit.

So, most of the particulars of that dream, that I remember and remembered upon waking – and still quite remember. I was in “my residence” – not sure where/how it was, but I felt/knew it was my home, residence, or at least where I was staying at the time. Likely lived there, or perhaps even it might have been some bit of a vacation get-away spot – kind of like a cabin or something like that. It didn’t correlate to any place I’d actually ever lived, or for that matter any place I could think of that I’ve ever stayed at, visited, or even seen. But it did seem to draw elements of that from a variety of sources, and somehow there it was, cohesively assembled in my dream, and there I was in the place – feeling of “home”, or something close.

Locale seemed less urban – maybe even in the woods in the mountains or something like that, but I don’t think I saw much of outside in that short bit of the dream to accurately place it. I seem to recall seeing some trees – like pine trees, or maybe redwoods, or something like that, out through a glass window in the door, at fairly close range (maybe 3 to 10 meters) in background. I remember nothing else of where it was set, and perhaps that was my only indicator of the location of this “home” or whatever it was in my dream. So, who knows, in the woods in the mountain, or maybe in or around a city, but just having some fairly large trees relatively close outside of that door – so could have even been some spot in Berkeley, or maybe nowhere at all near Berkeley.

Construction of the abode. Seemed somewhat cabin-like. Relatively nice wood construction, framing, lots of wood – if not mostly or entirely, at least on the inside. Not round logs or such (though there might’ve been some of that), but mostly looked like – perhaps pine, or something a bit more sturdy and very slightly darker – yet still pretty light in tone. Just realized now, where my head might have pulled in some rough idea for that type of construction/appearance. Have a peek at just the images here (no need to watch the videos, I didn’t). Perhaps something roughly like that for construction, though seemed significantly larger, more sturdy, and “permanent” in its location – not like something built from some “kit” or the like.

“Home”, or place I was residing or staying. There may have been some other person in/around there – not sure, seems I may have made some passing remark to someone a bit later in the dream, or perhaps I just thought back of someone I knew, who had been or visited there earlier – very vague recollection of that, so not quite sure at all.

Main action ;-) … or key bit that happened in the dream. I was there, inside, comfortable, felt of “home” or the like. And what transpired? Highly mentally unwell ex-friend makes an appearance. She’s outside, has a gun, is intent on killing me, and in quite short order is trying to force or break her way in. I remember window in the door – I think it opened – securely closing it or something like that, as she was trying to get in. Well, in fairly short order, somehow she’d managed to force or break her way in. Not sure exactly how – I don’t recall any glass breaking, or any kind of my struggling or pushing against the door – other than my securely closing (and presumably locking) that window in the door – and feeling fairly secure at that, though a bit rattled. Particularly rattled as I wasn’t expecting her at all – I felt quite comfortable there, perhaps she didn’t even know where I was living/staying, and then she shows up with gun, intent upon killing me, and was still trying to make her way in. In any case, in short order, she’s in, has a gun, and is quite intent upon killing me. Perhaps somewhat interestingly, her appearance is much better than I’d seen of her in years – she appeared rather/quite good and well put together, and maybe (almost/slightly) happy even, … though however she was still as bat sh*t crazy as ever, if not even very much more so. But she didn’t seem at all angry or upset. Just very intent on killing me, and as if she didn’t even know, remember, or understand why she felt or knew that’s what she had to do, but she was very determined and intent upon doing so.

Well, my head doesn’t do nightmares. :-) My head went lucid on that sh*t. Really has since I was around 10 years old or so – I think my very first lucid dream was the ending of my last ever nightmare – head just goes lucid on that sh*t and in one way or another dissipates any significant threat or the like. So that’s what happened in that dream. I quite remember remarking to her something quite like, “It’s a dream, you can’t hurt me.” … might have even been ambiguous in how it was said/indicated – not calling out who’s dream, but regardless I stated it, and she quite immediately realized she couldn’t harm me in any way. At that point she just seemed to get rather frustrated, apparently having felt quite thwarted in her efforts, and then just rather quickly departed. That was pretty much it for the dream. I may have remarked something to someone else around there quite immediately after that – not sure, very vague recollection if anyone else was actually there or not or if that actually happened, or perhaps I was just thinking of what I might say if they were, or “thinking aloud” on such – whether or not they were actually there. And don’t remember what I may have remarked – perhaps something of the absurdity of the situation or about ex-friend, or dear knows what. There was some fair bit before that whole sequence in the dream, but that faded very quickly upon waking, and I awoke quite shortly after that lucid bit. First time in quite a while – probably many months or more, that ex-friend had made any kind of appearance – let alone intrusion – into any dream of mine – or probably had even been referenced or thought of in any dream in quite some long time.

And, … interpretation? What the heck was that ex-friend “suddenly”, and rather out-of-the blue, doing back in any dream of mine? Took a bit over four days before it suddenly dawned on me. Correlated to a bit of other “background” (/”noise”) bit(s) that had been going on. That ex-friend, in the dream? It wasn’t at all about her. Not in the least. Subconscious just grabbed her as most suitable to represent something – had nothing to do with her at all – she was essentially a prop to convey something. And the “home”, or home-like setting and such, the breaking in or the like, etc.? All about perceptions/impressions. What it was, was an unwarranted threatening intrusion, an invasion into my “space” of sorts, as it were (and how I felt about the space, the intrusion and threat, etc.). That’s all. Really no more nor less than that. And why that dream? Threatening unwarranted intrusions happening to me or the like? No, not really, not really at all. But perception is 90% of reality(?). Anyway, had something going on that felt like that. Felt like a “threatening” unwarranted intrusion, though it wasn’t at all – neither of those things. Regardless, best I can tell, subconscious apparently wanted to call to my attention to how I felt about that – regardless of the reality. So, hastily grabbed a most viable threat it could think of and pull from semi-recent experience/memory, made it out as very clearly a threat, and made it quite invasive/invading and breaking/forcing into my “space” – at least of sorts. Essentially subconscious saying, “Look, this (the dream) is how you feel about that.” With the “this” in the dream, mostly being how I felt about it – threatened, unwarranted intrusion/violation into my “space” – on my personhood, against my life. And the “that”, being not at all particularly reality, but just my perceptions of one modest relatively topical chunk of it – how I felt about it – not at all what it actually was (or could or would have been). Probably the reason it took me “so long” to figure out the “proper” interpretation of that dream, was for the most part, especially early on, I was like “WTF was she doing in any dream of mine again?” – while totally missing that it wasn’t at all about her, but rather just something she was brought into the dream to very clearly represent. Wasn’t until the “that” – in reality, not threatening/intrusive, but how I felt about it – as soon as I realized how I felt about it – it clicked – damn quite like what I felt in that bit of dream.

We now return to our regularly scheduled program, already in progress.

Isolation, and other random crud

2013-11-04 06:49:53 PDT

And another weekend, gone. Not that I was much (if at all?) looking forward to it – well, probably the bit ‘o break for work anyway, … at least semi-/mostly looking forward to that, but … other than that? Okay, so, maybe looked forward to it bit more than just that slight bit. But, how did it work out? Meh. And now I dread returning to work this morning. Why? I dunno, signals the end of my weekend, I guess, … not that the work is much worse than the weekend. Hell, maybe it’s even “better”? … well, perhaps (very) slight so? I dunno. Yeah, pretty much about nothing to look forward to – work-wise or otherwise, and that continues to be the case.

Who, me, isolated? Yep, way to damn much so – despite all attempts to the contrary. Phone calls and phone. Once upon a time basic phone service was a lot cheaper. Whatever. Anyway, now, if I take that monthly phone bill – which still isn’t all that much – hey, it’s not like there are a bunch of long distance calls on it or anything like that – divide it out by the incoming calls (what about outgoing calls? Yeah, sure, I make those too – more than incoming – but as for personal outgoing calls, I call, generally get voicemail, leave a message and generally do not hear back, or get voicemail, and, just send an email instead, or … just don’t even bother, as I’d already left messages or sent emails and generally not heard back, so why bother?) … anyway, incoming calls – subtract out the robocalls and unsolicited sales calls and cr*p like that, take those very few remaining calls, divide ’em by monthly phone cost, and … cost per incoming call – yeah, like about $5.00 to $10.00 USD per incoming call. Geez, … yeah, hardly anyone ever calls. I call, but mostly just don’t get responded to. So, I tend to give up after a while – lest I be perceived as annoyance, or worse. And, bloody heck, “nice, friendly” robocall – from health plan goop … part of their pitch – yeah, go to their site, download and print out free games to play with family and friends. Yeah, right, as if I had family and/or friends I could play some game with. I hung up at that point. And that may have been the nicest friendliest call I’d gotten all week.

So, what did I do, e.g. this weekend, and last? Dragged myself out to dinner – once, both weekends. And, how was all that? Eh, gets a bit more variety of food into me, anyway – maybe that was the prime objective, maybe not. Whatever. So, go to fairly busy crowded place, lots of people. Interaction? Ha. Yeah, other than a few functional – or even barely so – words with food service staff – waitpersons or server or whatever – nothing. Not a word from or to anyone else. So what else is new? Alone and isolated in a sea of people. Drag myself out so I won’t spend the whole damn weekend totally alone, and, am I any less alone out among other people? Hardly. Whatever. That’s not all I did all of both weekends. Also go to some semi-social gathering things, but mostly more of the same – trace more conversation, but really, all-in-all, not much at all really. It’s not like I don’t try – say something, attempt a conversation. It just never goes anywhere. Yes, really never. I don’t mean like doesn’t lead to some hot date and crawling into bed, I mean doesn’t even make it to a sustained conversation. It just don’t happen for me. Period. And I don’t even know why. Certainly no lack of effort and trying. But, eventually I quite back off on that. Why keep beating my head against the wall if it yields absolutely no results anyway? What’s the point of trying, eh? All this sh*t about “meet some wonderful person” – heck, even a friend, … it just don’t happen. Not for me. Never like that, anyway. Never. Period. Really only happens – and far too damn rarely at that – if we first meet on-line. Seems somehow then, I have a fighting chance. But even then, far too damn rare that that happens and gets anywhere for like actual real life face-to-face conversation. Conversations – yeah, I was thinkin’ how many actually nice good long decent conversations have I had – like hour or more good, fairly intense conversations – with anyone in the last year, … well, even stretch it bit more than a whole year. Three? Well, maybe more like only two. If I count one at or a bit beyond a year ago – and was by phonenot in person – did have one conversation that was about 3 hours long, … happened to be situation/circumstances that made it awkward and uneasy and rather uncomfortable, but, nevertheless, overall, it was a good conversation – and rather lengthy. But that was only over phone, not in person. Hadn’t had a conversation of that length – or even up to an hour or more – and even up to that quality – even if it had fair bit of negative/uneasy/uncomfortable in the mix – with that person, nothing like that since, nor before – or at least not before for more than many years. So, do I even “count” that one, if it was about year, or more ago, and wasn’t face-to-face anyway. And, the remaining two? I got lucky. Some nice wonderful conversations with someone last month. Two such conversations, each about an hour or more. But, nothing before, nothing since; and since, … haven’t even heard back in … I think it’s weeks now. Not a peep. So, maybe that’s totally dead? Or not. I don’t know. So, … about 2 conversations a year, … if I get lucky. Yeah, sucks. And especially when I’d rather a good conversation than good/great sex, … uhm, yeah, good/great sex would be wonderful, but sex without the communication quite sucks in short order – at least for me, anyway. So, yeah, I’d take the conversation over sex any day. At least the conversation might be more attainable. And, if I think last … about 5 or 6 years or so. How ’bout those conversations? Yeah, really really lacking. Other than those 3 I mention, within about the last year+ or so, can’t think of any I’ve had like that within the past … about 6 years, really. Okay, so maybe there’s one or two or three somewhere in there I’m forgetting about. But still, that’s way way way too little, too rare, way too damn rare – especially for me, that really wants to be connected and communicate and have those damn conversations. Far far far too lacking. Alone in a sea of people. So, WTF is wrong with me? And how come nobody can tell me what it is? And yeah it hurts like hell. Maybe I just kind’a gotten too used to the pain, as it’s pretty much all the time for me. And then I break a bone and it’s days or more before I figure out it’s broken – that’s happened to me on multiple occasions. I guess I just don’t quite notice all the pain that’s there. Oops.

I often wish I didn’t feel a damn thing. ‘Cause mostly it just friggin’ hurts, and doesn’t seem at all worth it. But, friggin’ stuck being human, and, dang, cr*p, that comes with feelings. Sh*t. Would be much easier without, eh?

And why the hell is it that most anything and everything I want involves other people and being connected? Bugger that. Maybe because eventually I find the “everything else” and being so indefinitely and totally unconnected – well, eventually gets to be very unsatisfying and boring. I dunno, some damn thing about being human and social animals or something like that – and don’t do well alone. Yeah, well I got that – not doing well alone – and way too alone way too damn long.

Liked, respected, maybe even a bit of admired and looked up to? I get some fair bit of that – rather surprisingly so. Most notably that it surprises the heck out’a me. Like where the heck did that come from, and why the hell would you or anyone be interested in me and at all look up to, admire, or respect me? I guess fair part of that is I’m mostly quite oblivous to it. Don’t know why – I think it’s probably “always” been the case. I just “don’t get it”. Someone insults me or makes a joke at my expense, or compliments me – either way, seems most all the time I quite totally miss that – don’t catch it at all. So, yeah, I suppose that’s a problem too. Not knowing to avoid and stop wasting time/effort/energy, where someone not only isn’t interested in me, but doesn’t even like me, and even quite dislikes me – ’cause I don’t pick up on that. And, likewise, how the heck do I “connect” with someone that likes me, if I’ve no clue they like and are interested in me? Of course, then again, not everyone that “likes” me or whatever, is at all necessarily a good “fit” for me, or even close – heck, pretty much all of ’em hardly know me at all, but, whatever, at least there might be some chance out there … if I friggin’ knew. Not so likely otherwise. Why can’t I see that? The he/she likes you (me) … or … dislikes me. By the time I figure that out, it’s typically too damn late – if I even figure it out at all. Opportunity long since gone, or poor/bad situation only made worse.

Oh well. And so it goes.