Archive for July, 2012

mood – better, but fragile?

2012-07-28 20:04:42 PDT

So, last several weeks or so – about monthish, my mood hasn’t been all that great, … generally bit or more below “fair”/”okay” – at least on average … at least not highly down/horrible, but certainly below what is generally “average” – at least for me anyway. And it’s been up and down some bit within that too, but the average has been down from where it ought to be and typically is.

Anyway, regardless, last couple weeks or so, been doing better, … mood closer to what’s my “average” for me (which would typically be in the generally okay, pretty good, to good range). Odd bits I noticed though. It still seems relatively fragile. E.g. some rather to even very minor disappointment in myself, and my mood goes quickly crashing rather to quite low (even if very temporarily). It ought not drop like that, and certainly not that easily. Interesting bit I noticed too, it’s stuff that I do … or more notably fail to do – or “fail” at, that drops my mood precipitously. Seems comparatively impervious (though not entirely so) to things others do (or don’t do or fail to do, or whatever) to me, or just random stuff that happens. Can’t quite say that was the case a bit further back … e.g. like about 4 weeks or so – mood was quite in the crud range, and just about any type of disappointment from anyone or anything would just tend to sink it quite a bit lower far too easily.

So, … still not sure quite what’s up with that – my mood still, at present, dropping so easily with the slightest of disappointments in myself. That’s not “normally” the case for me. Been a comparatively rough last … oh … getting fairly close to two months now. Quite a bit has happened, … a lot … starting around two months ago, but more notably starting approximately a week into June. Anyway, I guess a lot of that is still “settling in”. Kind’a like I need to “rebuild” myself back up again, or be more “fortified” … or perhaps just a simpler matter of things needing to settle back in again and more properly “find their place”. So, maybe inside I feel more “jumbled” than ought to be the case. Anyway, at least the general trend is improving, and things seem relatively on track for making it fairly soon back to what is “normal” or “average” … at least for me anyway. Not necessarily for anyone else.

Interesting thing too, … over time, my mood just tends to “level out”. Pretty much regardless of how great and/or horrible things have gone, what’s happened, circumstances, etc., … after a while, my mood tends to level out pretty much in the “okay” to “pretty good”, or even “good” range – and pretty much regardless of happenings and circumstances. Maybe in some ways it’s some kind of “evolved” thing? That the even keeled somewhere around the middle mood generally works best – regardless of, at least longer term, ongoing circumstances? And perhaps because of that, that’s where the mood tends to settle out to.

Looking forward to … it being over(!)

2012-07-25 05:48:26 PDT

Odd random bit I noticed yesterday. And other stuff to look forward to (being over).

Have a bit of a social engagement – or at least potential thereof, coming up. Might happen, might not. Probably will, but never know for sure. Much as I actually do quite look forward to it, I find myself, oddly, more looking forward to it being done and past – and even whether or not it occurs, than the event/meeting itself. I find that strange, somehow. Not sure if that’s “typical” for me … I don’t think so, but maybe I’d not so much particularly noticed? I don’t know – I guess some anxiety or whatever in the mix, … e.g. will it occur, how will it go, lots I’d like to have happen, dear knows how it will actually go, maybe some “fear” or the like of how it will/won’t go, or if it will happen at all? Not really sure. Just struck me as odd, somehow, that much as I look forward to it, hope and anticipate it, … I found myself more looking forward to it being done and past – and whether it happens or not. Just feels a bit odd/strange on that somehow. Well, I guess once past, I don’t so much have to “worry” about how it did or didn’t go – or even whether or not it happened at all. I guess I’d feel quite different about it, were I much more comfortable with it … e.g. friend I felt quite comfortable with, got to see often – or at least anywhere near as frequently as I might wish, could talk quite freely and openly, and as much as I and/or friend wanted. Were that the case, I’d probably be much more looking forward to it and much less anxious about it, and I think I’d much more be looking forward to it happening, and much less (if at all) to it being done and over.

Other bit … my birthday. For my last birthday, really did nothing special. I’ve been working in the same place for years now, … never told the coworkers … they still don’t know when my birthday is. On my last birthday, coincidentally, I was meeting someone – someone I’d not met before. Never at all mentioned that it was my birthday – really quite treated it as any other day. Coincidentally, some many years ago, was also meeting someone I’d never met before on my birthday. Likewise, that person didn’t know it was my birthday – I’d never mentioned it … and … they stood me up. Never did meet that person, never did mention that it was my birthday. Anyway, last birthday, did nothing with any friends, … no friends did anything with me, or said ‘happy birthday’ to me – that’s generally been the case for many many years now. Heck, can’t remember any friend, or even approximation thereof, having been to any birthday of mine since … I think sometime back in high school – so over 30 years ago. Okay, so sometimes when I’ve been in relationship on my birthday, there was some bit of birthday celebration … but … when’s the last time I was in a relationship on my birthday, and we weren’t 1,000 or more miles apart and 1,000 or more miles apart on my birthday? Uhm, yeah, that’d be in excess of 20 years ago. Anyway, last birthday, at the time, only really had two friends that at all knew it was my birthday – both of which I’d been friends with for over 20 years, both of which know my birthday, both of which (with one single exception one year decades ago) have never so much as acknowledged my birthday, let alone wished me a happy birthday. And yeah, those two friends, I know their birthdays, and have always wished them a happy birthday on their birthday with only one relatively recent exception … over 20 friggin’ times over 20 friggin’ years, always wished them a happy birthday, always at least a card, if not quite more (e.g. quite nice – and expensive – dinner at place they quite wanted to go), and from them? Excepting only once, precisely nothing. Family? Oh, I got the (obligatory?) ‘happy birthday’ phone calls from two members of immediate family. They sent wee bit ‘o stuff too – at least the thought/sentiment is nice. Third member of immediate family? Yeah, … my dad. I always at least send him a card for his birthday, Christmas, and Father’s day – but he’s not made the least bit of effort – no card, phone call, or email – no contact at all – for over 28 years. Relationship? Well, at long distance, over 1,000 miles away, and hadn’t seen each other in over 4 years … some package, some phone call … nice sentiments, but … far too long far too far apart, and far too much time apart, and far too little time together. And that relationship “ended” not too long ago anyway. We’re still “friends” (though that’s a bit strained, at best) … but we’re still over 1,000 miles apart, and that will likely mostly if not entirely quite remain the case. So, … that was last birthday. What about next? Not too horribly far off in future. Plans for it? Do I want to make plans for it? Hurts, but ‘ya know, … I really rather don’t; if I can’t be with someone I want to be with, and someone who wants to be with me … hell, even just a friend – I really quite don’t. Big round number and all that, … one of those once-in-a-lifetime kind’a birthdays, … and really, can’t say there’s anyone I’d want to share that birthday with and that I know would want to and care to share it with me. Yeah, there’s family … whatever … but of the three immediate, one it’s absurdly unlikely I’ll even so much as hear from, the other two – one’s way far away, and is almost never out here or close to here to visit (like once in the last 15 years or so) … the other, eh, whatever, thoughts appreciated, but we’re not that close anyway – haven’t been since I was an early teen, or maybe even pre-teen. Besides, family – particularly family one is born into/with … that’s more like “obligation”/expectation. Feels different, and much better when someone actually chooses and wants to be with me. And I’ve really got no one there – nothing anywhere near that close, anyway. Way too damn alone and lonely. And I don’t know why. Hasn’t exactly been for lack of interest or effort. Just has not worked somehow. Do I keep screwing it up that badly, and have no clue as to how? Heck, been trying hard for over a year now to so much as gain a good friend. What have I got to show for it thus far? At best, an acquaintance … and much as I might like much more there, don’t know if that could or would even solidly make it into the “friend” zone, and unfortunately seems highly improbable for anything beyond that … if even that is is doable. So, yeah, 50th birthday. So far much more looking forward to that birthday being done and over – and forgotten – than at all looking forward to it. And yeah, it hurts.

More tests – Autism spectrum, Asperger syndrome, etc.

2012-07-10 06:27:06 PDT

So, earlier test bits here and here.

Did some more tests – and some retesting too. Results:

retested 2012-07-07: How neurotypical are you? and got: 19% neurotypical, one week prior to that got 27%.

retested 2012-07-07: Take the AQ and got: Score: 39 – exact same score as one week prior to that – but the results on specific questions weren’t identical (4 of 50 questions changed in response, but net score result was identical).

2012-07-10 Take the Broad Autism Phenotype Questionnaire
You scored 105 aloof, 90 rigid and 93 pragmatic
You scored above the cutoff on all three scales. Clearly, you are either autistic or on the broader autistic phenotype. You probably are not very social, and when you do interact with others, you come off as strange or rude without meaning to. You probably also like things to be familiar and predictable and don’t like changes, especially unexpected ones.
You scored 105% on aloof
You scored 90% on rigid
You scored 93% on pragmatic
You scored 8% on diagnosis

2012-07-10 Take the EIQ test
Emotional Identification, Perception, and Expression
Snapshot Report 58 (of 0 to 100 range)
You appear to have at least some basic skill when it comes to identifying, perceiving and expressing emotions in yourself and others. However, there is still a great deal of room to improve on this core ability. Review the results below for further information in order to identify where improvement is recommended. By improving your skills in this area of emotional intelligence, you will be in a better position to read others, understand how they feel, and effectively identify your own emotions. These skills form the basis of your ability to relate to others as well as your ability to understand yourself.

2012-07-10 Take the HSP test
Score: 15
If you answered more than fourteen of the questions as true of yourself, you are probably highly sensitive. But no psychological test is so accurate that an individual should base his or her life on it. We psychologists try to develop good questions, then decide on the cut off based on the average response.
If fewer questions are true of you, but extremely true, that might also justify calling you highly sensitive.

2012-07-10 Take the ‘Reading the mind in the eyes’ test
Your score: 28
A typical score is in the range 22-30. If you scored over 30, you are very accurate at decoding a person’s facial expressions around their eyes. A score under 22 indicates you find this quite difficult.

Dream: social gathering, or burnt cold dead? Or both? Or only and exactly one?

2012-07-09 20:36:43 PDT

Another interesting odd dream, fairly short one, or bit of one (hazards of a short nap?).
In the dream, I was a woman, on some kind of a slighly odd shaped spacecraft – white, smooth, shiny interior, almost egg-like in its curves, but more curvy than that. Somethow almost like a craft that somehow fit together, with these sweeping curves within it. But not a very big craft. Seems it was designed to house and transport a fairly small crew – maybe 3 to 5 people or so, … somehow seemed “family”-like – but not family, perhaps long journey with crew, or had known each other long time and were quite comfortable with each other? Seemed, in any case, quite family-like, … yet not quite or actually family somehow. The scene … zero gravity, floating, in the capsule or craft, floating through it, … but not just that small crew – we had visitors – was quite a social gathering of sorts somehow … maybe seven, to ten, perhaps as many as close to 12 or 15 people. It was some kind of happy social gathering, like of larger and more extended faimily, quite glad to see each other, … or not quite family, … cherished colleagues? Not quite sure, maybe a mix. I remember seeing this, how I felt, and interacting a bit somehow, … floating through … they were floating too, but more regularly arranged, mostly around a largish table – almost like a picnic table, but not … some of the colors were as if they’d – or someone had – maybe even me, … don’t know, had decorated it at least some bit – nice bright and varied splashes of color among and over the otherwise mostly just smooth shiny white plastic surfaces. I remember seeing and hearing all this, then suddenly, flash to completely different scene in same craft, just me, maybe some very few others, but otherwise completely alone in the craft, and very cold – but not feeling cold – a burning cold – like dry ice pressed to skin – and some alarm on the craft blaring a horn-like sound, indicating some type of critical breach or failure. I remember thinking that was a flash to some averted, or narrowly averted disaster … then flash back to the social gathering, party-like scene again, … then again in an instant, to cold burning frozen, thinking we’d all died, and the gathering was just ghost of a memory. Then flashed back to the gathering, each reality equally vivid, distinct, and real, in all respects, then rapidly flashing back and forth, almost randomly, but quickly, and repeatedly, little time in each – no more than several seconds at a stretch in either “reality” – I remember flipping so much between them that I was rather quickly very confused, not knowing which was the “reality”, and which was merely a memory or some kind of dream of flashback.

Then the dream ended – last thoughts as I came out of it, not sure which “reality” was the “real” one – maybe that we’d all somehow frozen so quickly it burned – and we died, or maybe that was the last I/we recalled … but really wasn’t sure – was quite jarring in any case (enough to jar me awake, anyway).

Weird now, as I think of bits from it. Maybe my subconscious trying to say, in “code”:
social, cold, failed, frozen, burned, dead, missed;
or maybe trying to show a pair of radically different alternate realities.

dreams – as in asleep and dreaming (give or take)

2012-07-07 19:35:25 PDT

So, some dreams – or at least portions thereof that I remembered. Make of it what you will. May be rather to quite “random” … and/or not. Who’s to say? … at least on some of them.

I did mention some other dreams before, if one wants to peek or review:

Anyway, more dreams, … all within the last two to three weeks or so (quite possibly much more recent than that), and the last two mentioned, within the last 24 hours – at least as I’m presently typing this). In chronological order (oldest first):

The fake lucid (non-lucid) dream. I do, at least occasionally, have lucid dreams. This was one of those (almost) borderline cases … which I get probably roughly nearly as commonly as I get actual lucid dreams. Not really so much “borderline”, actually, as a fake lucid dream. Most notably I dreamed I had a lucid dream – but it wasn’t actually a lucid dream. But, within the dream itself, at that time, I believed I was having a lucid dream – but I was merely dreaming that, it wasn’t actually lucid. So, the dream, … or more like fragment thereof – not sure if it was part of larger or much more dream, or not, … upon waking, I didn’t specifically recall. I dreamed I was asleep, having a dream, and realized it was dream and was having a lucid dream … at least that’s what I was dreaming. And I dreamed that something … some electronic device or phone, or something roughly of that nature … not sure exactly what it was, … but dreamed it was relatively close alongside me – not right where I was sleeping, but off to the side, sort of on a shelf or pedestal or the like to the right of me – and rather quite approximating reality – except for the specific type and nature of device there didn’t quite seem to match up to anything I actually do or would have around there … other than a larger land-line phone … in dream, it seemed to be something significantly physically smaller. Anyway, in dream, it was doing something that was disturbing my sleep … not sure precisely what – less disturbing/annoying than a loud ring, but perhaps more like a soft or repeating beeping – almost like some beep of an alarm on a digital wrist watch – if even quite that loud/annoying. So, in the dream, I remember thinking that I was having a lucid dream, and didn’t want to wake from that or be disturbed by whatever that device was doing that was disturbing me. So I remember dreaming, in the dream around dream, that I could and would likely be able to well retain the lucidity of the dream, and maybe even keep or continue that dream, if I grabbed pillow or the like around me, or to the left of me, and placed it atop the disruptive device, quite silencing, or at least very significantly muffling it, … but, … that I had to do that keeping my eyes closed the whole time, and perhaps too, a bit slowly and carefully. Somehow I “knew” – in the dream, that if I opened my eyes, it would be bye-bye lucid dream, .. but that if I was able to muffle it without opening my eyes, especially if I did it reasonably carefully, and a bit slowly and such, I’d be able to continue along with my lucid dream. And, how do I know that was a “fake” lucid dream, and not a real one? Physical realities – most notably what/where/how there was – in dream – some device to be squelched in its disturbance of my dream – there was no such device where I dreamed it, nor particularly close, nor similar (enough) in nature. There were some other more subtle differences – e.g. what I had in mind in the way of pillow or such to grab, more-or-less how I was positioned, etc., that also didn’t quite correlate “well enough” to reality for it to be an actual lucid dream, but was rather instead, “fake” – a non-lucid dream. Dream in which I merely dreamed I was having a lucid dream, but wasn’t really. Also, the dream within dream – I didn’t at all manipulate or interact with that dream in any lucid manner, but merely – at least as far as I know or recall – dreamed that I could do so, as I “realized” it was a dream – but I didn’t really “realize” it, but merely dreamed it.

Desks & matchboxes! (WTF?) So, may have been part of much larger dream, … or not, … but there was one particular bit I quite recalled upon waking – and likely was dreaming that just before or as I woke up. It was a situation/scenario at work … but not at all well correlated in reality to my actual work – not even past, that I can think of, let alone present. Anyway, in this “work” scenario, there was a gathering of desks. But not normally arranged desks. These were pretty much all packed together, but just one-high, with no, or very little space, between them. Except, too, they weren’t exactly ordinary office desks. And somehow, these were desks that were being removed. Seems they were probably getting replaced with something else (cubicles? I don’t know – whatever it may have been, dream didn’t particularly seem to cover that – or I didn’t recall or have particular feel for that, other than they were being or going to be replaced … with something). So, we have a collection of outgoing desks. They seemed relatively uniform – at least upon casual inspection. But, somehow, within that, one of those outdoing desks was mine, … quite mine. And not some office desk I’ve every had or would have, but one of my own personally owned desks from home. Somehow it was there, in the outgoing desks, and in the dream, somehow that was my “work” desk that was among the outgoing, yet, understandably, I both felt a strong connection to the desk (after all, my personal desk, not just some office work desk – even if I’d used it as office work desk), so I felt both strong attachment to it, yet at the same time was quite willing to let it go. But not quite 100% precisely. Oddly, I felt some urge to go through that desk – and less carefully too, the others, for any content that should be saved/salvaged, that shouldn’t be discarded. And seems I had some trace of someone there too, encouraging me along to do that – but kind’a in the background – not even really at all sure who it was or may have been. So, I start going through the desks – “mine” first. All the desks are nearly empty, but not quite 100%. Some slight trace of the odd office supply bits here and there left. Don’t recall exactly what, but like a pen or two here, a few scattered paper clips there – things of that nature – slight, almost entirely empty, and – at least in the dream – not worth salvaging. Except … boxes of wooden matches. Pretty nice boxes, … small boxes, though some of the matches were rather longer. For some reason it was worth salvaging these, … I picked them out of “my” desk, and I think I was starting to pick them out of others. There were like maybe one to five or so of these boxes of wooden matches per desk. They varied quite a bit in the boxes themselves. All rather small in size, but the boxes all rather different – kind of like random manufacturers, all packaged a bit different, matches somewhat different in appearance. In “my” desk, there were at least a few of these – maybe three to five or so, … I think most desks typically had more like one to two or three … but some more. And I was going through, pulling these out, and piling them up – saving/salvaging them from being discarded. The desks and everything else in them wasn’t worth saving somehow, yet somehow the matchboxes were, … don’t think I generally found any loose matches, but maybe ignored those if I did. Somehow saw fair bit of the matches in the match boxes – mostly at least partially emptied boxes, yet usually at least half full or so, I think? Maybe the boxes were partway open, or I opened them? I think more likely they’d been left partway open – yet outer and inner parts of box – generally slide-style, were never completely separated. I think that’s about all I recalled of that dream – even when I’d first woken from or after that dream.

Some woman. A very short dream – but fair bit within such a short dream. How short a dream? More like early evening nap. Went from quite fully awake, to alseep and dreaming in REM sleep, to back fully awake, all in under 15 minutes, … might have been as short as 10 minutes or less. I did also earlier mention that – how it’s not uncommon for me to do rather to quite rapid awake-REM-awake transitions – see where I earlier mentioned sleep and REM and such. So, … (in) the dream. It was after work. I’d come home – but it didn’t really correlate to my home – many things were different – even rather to quite radically so – about it – yet I felt it was quite my home. Didn’t match home of anyone else I can think of – but perhaps some combination (perhaps roughly part of mine, and part of ex-friend … not really sure, and still didn’t even well match a combination such as that). Anyway, home from work, I’m tired/beaten/exhausted … not so much physically at all, or even generally mentally, … just more so my mood – felt very worn, tired, and kind’a down (not unlike reality, too frequently as of late). So, I was slipping into bed – or bed of sorts – don’t remember exactly – seemed like bed or the like (single bed, next to a wall, or something pretty similar to that). But I was just too “exhausted” – or lacked the will … didn’t get cleaned up, didn’t care, managed to have/get my shoes off – didn’t remember doing so, but they were off – but didn’t otherwise undress. Wasn’t even fully pulling the covers down, more like a bit from atop, rather or sort of pulling, or half pulling them over me, and not even a particularly good job of it at that – certainly not nicely and fully tucked in – clothes or not. More like half pulling some blanket or cover atop me – but seemed was part of the bed covering, rather than like some loose blanket. The woman – some woman. There was a woman there. She somehow rather to quite known to me. But not anyone I know or knew in reality – not at all in the least, … but perhaps some combinations thereof – bit of some aspect or feature from some woman I know, other bits from some other(s), … maybe too, quite aspects from one I’ve never yet met or known, just sort of added and mixed in somehow. Anyway, so I was rather lazily slipping or slipped into bed – if hardly that, … at least sort of partly anyway, … more than half covered, anyway, but not at all very completely or neatly. And she, kind of scooting up beside me – or more so behind me, on the bed, my back to her. Didn’t think much about it, other than noticing she was there – felt okay with that, perhaps even “fine”, but not really particularly felt or noticing more. She got a bit closer – I’m pretty dog gone sure she was fully clothed – had just moved onto the bed behind me – I think she might have touched me very slightly – or not – don’t remember … don’t remember feeling anything – anything at all. She sniffed the back of my shirt, … forget exactly what the dialog was, but I think she remarked something like, “Doesn’t exactly smell morning fresh”. I think I remarked something like “hard day” – though it had not been at all hard physically – or even the work itself – more so just my mood and feeling – very worn, exhausted – but mostly my mood that was exhausted more than anything else. Somehow I got the feeling the shirt – or t-shirt under it, might not have even been “morning fresh” as of that morning, … not sure really, but in any case, I didn’t tell her that, or that I so much as suspected or thought that might be the case. Regardless, she said something like, “Let’s get you out of these clothes”, and possibly adding a ” and cleaned up” to that also – don’t recall – maybe it was implied. I begrudgingly and reluctantly agreed. Was nothing at all sexual about it, not in the least – how it was said, what I (didn’t) feel, etc. Not even sensual at all, in the least. Just some wee bit of caring, … that she bothered to – at least some little bit. Not so much that I even particularly felt it, … but maybe enough to go along with her suggestion, … or perhaps that I didn’t want to upset or displease her, … I don’t know, not sure exactly what it was, but I went along with it. Not sure what happened after that, maybe that was the end of that dream, or nearly so … somehow I got impression of what then happened, or was going to happen, … she’d get me undressed, washed up – me, my mood and energy, etc. quite low all along, but going along with it nevertheless, something about “lets feed you” – she wanted to feed me some proper bit – I’d either not eaten all day – and didn’t care – or maybe only ate some bit of something once earlier in the day. So, … she did – or was going to – after washing me up, take me upstairs to the kitchen, … feed me something, … then take me back down to bed, and more properly tuck and slip me into bed. Naked? Or into pajamas? Don’t recall, didn’t care, didn’t seem to matter. As said, was nothing at all sexual about it in the least. Just a bit of kind caring, no more, no less – her for me, at least. Maybe I too felt likewise, but certainly wasn’t capable of showing it or reciprocating – at least at the time. And I think she then slipped me into bed, and again, saddled up behind me, again my back to her. She not hugging or wrapping herself around me … maybe barely touching or leaning to me – or maybe not even that. If she was so much as touching at all, seemed so slight that I wasn’t sure if she was at all touching or not, … yet a presence quite felt – if nothing else she was quite close behind me. One other bit I quite clearly remember in that dream. In reality, some very short number of days before (perhaps only one day?), mosquito had snuck in, while I slept, and bit me on the eyelid – was rather puffy and irritating for a good day or two or so. So, anyway, in dream … we were there on bed. It was very dark, … but in an odd, inconsistent, and non-realistic way. I think I made some mention of mosquito, … and something roughly about “I won’t hear it at all, unless it’s like two inches away from my ear.” Heard some other flying insect, much further off, beat itself against a wall a bit – like a fluttering moth, something about thinking or saying that was too big to be a mosquito, so that wasn’t it. She, I think, somehow saying / pointing out, in regards to mosquito, “Don’t worry, spider will get it”, and somehow there, we were both pointing to the teeniest of spiders, not in or on web, but hanging at end of or along a single strand of – invisible to us – spider silk, and there at the end, it was working on wrapping and devouring a flying insect it had caught – a teensy one – must’ve been a very small fruit fly or the like, … very small. But the spider too, so very small, about the same size as its prey. I somehow oddly was thinking both, that spider that small couldn’t possibly capture and consume a mosquito – the mosquito would easily be much larger in size – like by a factor of 5 to 10 or more). And at the same time, somehow I felt reassured by her, and not worried about it. Interestingly too, in this odd darkness. Dark as it was, and could only quite indistinctly see things about the room, could very clearly see that teensy spider, and the tiny fruit fly it was preparing to devour. Yet at the same time, as we both pointed to it – don’t so much remember her arm and hand, but mine – I could scarcely see my hand and arm at all – was like trying to see it out at night, in the middle of nowhere, with no artificial lights, and nothing but mere sliver of a moon – but moon behind overcast, and fog all around – could barely make out anything, and quite indistinct at that … that’s almost how indistinct my arm and hand appeared to me – yet could very clearly see the spider and it’s prey. That’s about all I recall of that dream – and perhaps all there was. Last of us, there together, me tucked in, her behind me – just kind of “there”, … the being cared for felt quite nice – yet at the same time, was that I seemed to only just barely feel it at all.

Woman – invitation to talk. Not same woman/”character” as dream above. So, in this bit of dream (sometime earlier today), woman I know? Yes, and no, and not really. More, again, like some combination of traits/persons/women – known, and quite possibly also unknown. Anyway, she was quite inviting me to “talk” to her. Some traces of bits of reality mixed in – probably rather to quite definitely – but in a whole lot of ways, anything but reality – or quite far from it. Nevertheless – in the dream – she, quite inviting me to talk to her, … but in what seemed/felt to me a rather odd/peculiar way. How so? Well, several things at once – and some quite conflicting – not even seemingly so, but some quite directly or even literally. It felt a very open invitation to talk with her – and I felt I was very comfortable talking to her, could trust her, etc. Yet at the same time, I felt I’d never really talked with/to her that much, but quite wished to. But there’s more. The what, the how. At the same time, the “invitation” of sorts (not sure how that was said/communicated from her to me), while it felt very broad, open, unrestricted, and that she could very much be “there” for me, at the same time, it was also very much not that … some how simultaneously. The “invitation” – was rather … even exceedingly focused. Was an open invitation to talk about “anything” – yet somehow at same time, it was invitation to only talk about one very specific narrow topic area – and only that – somehow that anything else would be ignored, or just was plainly not okay to talk about. Not that I didn’t want to talk about that one specific narrow topic area, but seemed highly limiting, and like probably that wasn’t at all what I was most interested in talking about, … or that it was even at all particularly important to me to talk about that particular area. So, … a non-open open invitation, … or vice versa. And yet more. How. Wasn’t so much talking to her, or invitation to, … at least a bit more “publicly” than that … not public, per-se, but where more than just she could hear/see/read what we’d be discussing. I was somehow like “okay” with that, but was also definitely not my preference at the same time. Other bits too. Could/would I be cut off at any time? A conflicting mix. I felt she absolutely could not and would not at all cut me off, or “leave me hanging” or the like – and that perhaps too, she’d even very much assured me of that – though I don’t recall specifically if she did, or not, or if it was implied. In any case, quite felt that she definitely wouldn’t cut me off. Yet all, at the same time, felt she not only very much could cut me off, but might very well do so – and quite possibly with the absolute worst of possible timing. Not at all intentionally or out of spite or anything like that – that wasn’t the impression I got at all. More impression of there were – or would be – very good, appropriate, and understandable reasons. But that I didn’t know what those were, and could very possibly never ever know or find out what they were or even might be. So, there I was, wanting to talk/discuss, “open invitation” – at least of sorts, very much wanting to, yet at the same time scared – maybe even terrified(?) to open up more, or a lot more. That was it of that dream, no more, no less – at least that I recalled. Very specific narrow topic area? Could say, … but won’t … I’m not even sure if that was at all or particularly clear in dream … was clear that it was – or might be quite limited to such a narrow topic … but I don’t think was particularly clear – if at all – in dream, as to what topic in particular. Reality vs. not? Definitely some mix. Maybe roughly 20 to 30% or so of that dream, bits more-or-less picked from reality – not necessarily highly so, but at least for some significantly correlated basis – if even not used that directly and accurately. And too, at the same time, whole lot of stuff my head just kind of made up in the dream – some more trace bits from reality, some with little to nothing to do with reality. A lot of it felt really real, but not highly correlated to reality – just very loosely, at most. Whole lot of stuff in dream – e.g. how the “invitation” was going across, who – or portions of who – extended that invitation, what communication and meta-communication was and wasn’t going on (or seemed to be the case) … whole lot there not all that well correlated to reality. How I did/didn’t feel about the person, vs. reality – can’t even directly compare, as didn’t match to actual real person – though maybe more so correlated to such an actual person, than just random stuff or other persons known or unknown, but still, only at best a highly rough correlation. So, what I did and didn’t think, feel, and towards the person, etc., really not appropriate to try to compare that to “reality”, as person in dream was quite not that same person – at least in many significant ways, or at least at minimum, some quite key significant, and relevant (at least to the dream) ways.

Random commentary. Maybe my ego/psyche is aiming rather to quite low recently. E.g. those last two dreams noted above, about as close as my head/dreams is getting to “fantasy”. Fantasy – anything incredibly fantastic, positive, nice, very pleasing and happy, pleasurable, etc.? No, … and hardly close. Dream “fantasies” more like just barely someone – almost anyone – bothering to care for me in some modest bit that I actually just barely even actually feel it a bit. Or “fantasy”, of not even so much as a lovely really wonderful open, “safe”, comfortable invitation to talk with someone I’d really like to talk with, and felt very safe and comfortable talking with? No, “fantasy” not even particularly close to that – “fantasy” of a mere sort of half kind’a semi open maybe invitation that might not be all that “safe”. Yeah, head is aiming pretty low. Sure, ’tis aiming above the (almost) nothing I’ve got there – quite close to that. But geez, even my dreams aren’t managing to muster up much positivity or bright outlook – not even for so much as a fantasy dream. Pretty minimally positive – just modest bits or so above reality.

Another test, another set of results (Autistic? Autism spectrum? Asperger syndrome? …)

2012-07-07 10:32:50 PDT

So, took yet another test 2012-07-05: Aspie quiz. Rather different results:
Aspie quiz results (graphical)
The results on that one mostly appear more neurotypical (normal) and not, or much less, autistic/autism spectrum/Asperger syndrome, and especially compared to the two earlier tests taken. There’s also much more detailed (14 page PDF) report from the “Aspie quiz”, but I don’t think I’m inclined to post that one.
So, … why so much variance, as compared to, e.g., those tests I took only 5 days earlier? I don’t think I’ve changed all that much in 5 days. I think it’s much more so variation in the tests, and what/how they measure, etc. Maybe I’ll try retaking tests – e.g. repeat the two earlier ones I did a week ago – see if I get same or quite similar results, … then likewise, the “Auspie quiz” – try that again a week after I took it, see if I get results consistent with the earlier taking of that same test. I’d guestimate each test would give me results rather to highly similar to earlier taking of the tests, … but that the “Auspie quiz” test, would still give results very different than the “How neurotypical are you?” and the “Take The AQ Test” tests I took earlier.

An Aspie (Asperger syndrome) oriented intro to me

2012-07-04 13:02:14 PDT

So, … I was drafting up something for an aspie (Asperger syndrome) oriented web site ( forum, namely a self-introduction to me. Before posting it there, however, it quite occurred to me, there are some things in their “Terms of Service” that don’t particularly thrill me. Namely (paraphrasing), I post something there, they then own the copyright to it – not me. So, I could write and post something there, then I wouldn’t, e.g. legally, be able to then take that same text I’d written, and copy or otherwise post it elsewhere, as I’d no longer own it or the rights to it. Well, that rather sucks – at least for some stuff I’d be inclined to post (I might not care for other stuff). However, … in their “Terms of Service”, I (okay, I am not a lawyer, nor do I play one on TV) note that there’s (fortunately) nothing that grants them exclusive rights or ownership – it appears to be non-exclusive. So, in my (non-expert) guestimation, I post there, they own that and the rights to it, I can’t copy it elsewhere. However, if I write and post something elsewhere where I own or retain the rights to it, and there’s nothing otherwise preventing me from also posting to the particularly more restrictive forum, etc. site, then, while the forum site would own rights to what I posted there, they would not obtain exclusive rights to my work where I’d posted same (or exceedingly similar) earlier elsewhere. So, I retain rights and ownerships to my “original” or first posting/copy/publishing elsewhere, and “they” also get rights to what I post on their site. I can’t copy it from their site, but nothing by law or policy prevents me from copying what I created and published prior to my posting to their forum. For those reasons (and besides that I thought it might be interesting/informative), I first post here … and then after that I’ll put quite similar on the forum site.

Hello, thought I’d at least say “Hi”.

Some wee bits about me:

Asperger syndrome: rather to highly probable. Never seriously suspected before, until four days ago, and then, well … discovery, … rather to highly probable (thus far undiagnosed). Quite a bit more about that here:

49, male, single (not my preference, but currently is what it is), Berkeley, CA, USA

Also seems rather to highly probable I manage to mess up a lot in certain areas of social interaction – unwittingly, unknowingly, and unintentionally. E.g. some stats that would support that hypothesis:

  • less than one per decade: rate at which I acquire quite good close friend(s) or better (including any good relationships) over the last nearly 30 years, despite the majority of the time having quite a lack there and wishing to very much fill that (e.g. much more often than not, zero in that category when I’d want about one). This is also despite lots of efforts to try and make that “better”.

  • 2.5 from/via online, zero from “other sources”: over nearly 30 years, where I “met” and iniitally interacted with particularly good/close friends or better (e.g. also including good relationships). (2.5? Not 2, or 3? One I’m not sure if I should count or not, so calling it a 0.5 at least for now).

  • zero: net resultant useful/positive acquaintanceships (or even close) or better following (seemingly) good, positive, even excellent (seeming) initial conversation with complete and total stranger (e.g. strike up conversation with woman, seems to go exceedingly well, she’s even interested in my contact information, I provide it to her … I hear back essentially if not precise never – can’t recall a single instance off-hand where I’d ever heard back in such a case – in my entire life – and I’m nearing the half-century mark).

Some other bits I’m “bad” / neutral/mixed / good at:


  • communication: quite suck at getting from zero to pretty comfortable (if I even ever make it that far), and most notably in face-to-face context.

  • distinguishing conversations: if I talk with many, separately and independently, and about even somewhat similar, I’ll well remember what communications were had, but very poorly recall, if at all, which particular communications or bits thereof were had with whom

  • eye contact: I often rather/quite suck at that, notably when talking to someone – I often find watching their reactions to be highly distracting to me – so I’ll not look at them, otherwise I completely lose my train of thought and forget what I was talking about. But it’s not always like that. Sometimes I can do that “just fine”, without it being an issue at all. Not sure exactly what makes the difference – seems situational/contextual – e.g. can vary significantly even just one-on-one with the same someone I know at least fairly well.

  • shy: I am, quite. Most notably initial contacts with folks I don’t know. Generally rather to quite worse in groups/crowds/parties or the like, and especially “meeting” lots of folks in rapid succession.

  • I suck at remembering names of people – especially first names, and even more so for more common names.

  • clumsy?: slightly, but really not that bad


  • literal and disambiguating: I take a lot (too) literally, I’m pretty good about removing the ambiguities – not only in what and how I communicate, but resolving ambiguities of significance in communications to me. So, misunderstandings, highly rare, annoyances … not as rare.

  • communication: more generally do fairly well on the verbal; non-verbal, quite a mix, some rather to quite well, other bits, likely rather to exceedingly poorly – really have no clue there, but likely quite not good on much of it.

  • detail oriented: “too”(?) detail oriented? “it depends” (context, context).

  • non-fiction: highly prefer non-fiction over fiction

  • verbosity (can you tell already?)

  • sleep: not all that much, and relatively irregular. Ever since roughly my latter college days, I can “survive” on average of 4 hrs. sleep/24, but do much better with – and typically get, a running average of about 5/24 (occasionally much less on shorter term, much more rarely quite a bit more). Sleep is often rather to quite discontinuous (e.g. mere minutes to 3 hours at a time). I transition from asleep (and even REM sleep) to quite fully awake – and vice versa, often very quickly and easily (don’t fall asleep if I’m even minimally physically active, but if bored/tired and physically not moving at all, can fall asleep very(/too) readily – and regardless of how many zillion or zip hours of sleep I had earlier).

  • sight, sound, and other stimuli? I can tolerate a lot of that, and mostly doesn’t bother me, but too, sometimes it’s rather to exceedingly distracting to me – really much depends upon what I’m doing or attempting to do – same “distraction” can be unnoticed at some times, and an intolerable distracting continued breaking of my concentration or attention at others – so it’s quite contextual.


  • communication: I can do rather to exceedingly well … when I manage to make it so far as to be quite comfortable with the other person and generally get the communication flowing rather to quite well and that they’re also at least quite fine with that. (unfortunately, getting to “that” level with anyone, for me, happens way too rarely).

  • remembering – at least many things; quite a good memory – e.g. have a conversation with various folks, I’ll well remember much of the conversations, what was discussed, etc. (remembering with whom, however (or more precisely when), quite another matter – if there was only one possibility, I “know”, otherwise, I’m often quite unsure if I even at all remember who).

  • intelligent, kind, caring, giving, passionate and compassionate, honest, … whole lot ‘o that good positive stuff, and some folks rather to quite know (at least generally), and others have about zero clue, or close to it (whatever, not everyone is going to know, or be interested or care to know).

  • skilled – e.g. well/highly skilled in my areas of expertise (e.g. certain sectors of Engineering/electronics/IT/computer field, and other random and not-so-random bits of knowledge and skill sets)

  • remembering faces: used to be quite good at that, still pretty good at it.

  • good/excellent manual dexterity

Other: my dad – though the evidence is somewhat missing and inconclusive (he’s highly removed himself from at least all family, and probably “everyone” or almost precisely so, for most all of the last quarter century, and to a large degree for much much longer than that, and possibly since “forever”), but the available evidence compellingly supports the hypothesis that he’s got Asperger syndrome, and quite a bit more severely than I (presumably) do.

(Most) all that sound (too) familiar? I thought that’s likely the case.

Decisions, decisions, …

2012-07-02 21:19:42 PDT

Decisions, decisions …

Is it really worth it? By that I mean more specifically, for me, to be trying to make friends or get into any kind of relationship. It’s hard. Damn hard. E.g., looking over stats for most of my life, despite best efforts and intent, and keen interest(s) and/or desire, what have I got to show for it? If we look at my adult post-school life, and ignore some bits from work (not really all that much from there anyway), I’ve got a grand total of 2.5 really good close friends, and relationships (counting and adding ’em all up together) in a span of over 25 years, nearly 30 years. So that’s less than one new (good) friend, or relationship per decade! That quite sucks. And no lack of trying, wanting, desiring, etc. Sure, it’s had its successes, but … really? E.g. what’s the best out of all that, across all those nearly 30 years! One relationship was absolutely friggin’ fantastic! … for … all of something like well under 6 weeks. Never again that one. Okay, well, that’s 1 out of 2.5, what about the next 1 of the remaining 1.5? Fabulous relationship, … uh, … well, … really? Sure, we get/got along incredibly wonderfully, in oh so many ways, … but … in over twelve years(!!!) how much total time did we so much as spend together in the same city at the same time? Doesn’t even add up to a year in total … maybe not even 9 months. Sure, great times together, but far too much of that time apart (over 1,000 miles between us certainly didn’t help that). And the other 0.5? Not sure if I should count that one or not, thus it’s a 0.5 – maybe something is or could be there … maybe not (or not “enough”) … don’t know for sure. That’s it really, to speak of, in nearly 30 years. And a whole helluva lot of time, angst, heartache, longing, desire, trying, etc., all for “that”, (nice but way too) precious little that that’s been.

So, decisions, decisions. Should I even try? Should I even so much as try to relate to people or have friends, or a relationship, or ever even hope for such – much as I might love and desire to have such. I mean, really, for me, for all the time, pain, effort, energy, etc., is it really worth it? Maybe I best not so much as try. Maybe all that focus, time, energy, etc. could be put to better use elsewhere or elsehow. Hell, maybe I best do better than “merely” not try, but actively run away from or otherwise evade any and all such possibilities? After all, most all my life – especially adult life, has been quite alone (and lonely) anyway. Though much of that lonely can also be filled with pleasant – or at least much less painful – distractions. After all, who needs it (or more specifically, do I need it)? Ain’t gonna kill me. Uhm, … well, … not that quickly, anyway. E.g. we know the stats about longevity and folks alone vs. coupled, … so maybe I die a decade or so sooner alone, than not. What of it, would it really make all that much difference?

Morals, ethics, blah, blah blah. Friend(s), relationship(s), and/or not. Besides me, who’s it gonna benefit? Okay, sure, might benefit some very lucky very very very few quite a bit, but for most, will never make all that much difference in their lives. It’s not like I’m ever gonna become some gregarious person with some large, or even rather significant number of friends. At most maybe it significantly impacts a few people or so. I’m nearly 50. At one friend or relationship per decade, if I live to be, say 80, that’s what, like 3 people? And all my angst, pain, time, energy to manage to get that far with anyone (let alone three!). Might that best be spent elsewhere/elsehow? Maybe I do some other thing(s) to make the world a better place and all that. Perhaps friends and relationships are not my forte, and never (really) will be. Maybe I should stop trying there, … period.

But alas, … I don’t know that I’m particularly passionate about anything at present. Maybe it’s just a “phase” I’m going through (or a rut). Sure, “used to be”, still sort’a kind’a am, quite passionate about computers – not so much totally generally, but in certain specific ways/capabilities. Relationship? Hell, even a darn good friend? could be passionate about that, … with the right person, but really, how often has that happened in my life? About 2 or maybe 2.5 times in my post-college adult life of nearly 30 years thus far. And so damn much time/energy spent in pursuit of such, for … what? Add up the total time in those 2 relationships out of that 2.5, together they don’t even add up to a total of a year. That’s like about 1/30th of the time really being in good quality relationship (sorry, but when 1,000 miles apart, that part of the time doesn’t count). So damn much time/energy/pursuit/interest … and for what, to only get to actually quite enjoy 1/30th of it? The rest mostly all heartache, disappointment, loneliness, rejection, defeat. Worth it? Hardly seems or feels so. Maybe it’s like chasing some kind of a drug high. Feels so damn good, but … worth the price? Is it even sustainable? I guess at least theoretically, sure, highly sustainable. But, … probability of actually reaching that, and sustaining it? Yeah, I’m not exactly highly optimistic on that one. Sure, what went “wrong” in those relationships? Can hardly say it was at all either of us not getting along at all (or doing friggin’ fantastic together) – was much more so, in both cases, circumstantial – stuff beyond and outside either of us pulled or kept us apart. So, sure I make a great relationship for someone(s), and more often too, have been cases where she thought I was great/fantastic and all that – but feeling was highly not mutual. So only 2 that worked very to highly well mutually, the rest never went very far or long (or certainly shouldn’t have, in any case).

“Oh well”. It’s not like decisions need be made instantly … can wait. Also, it’s not like such decisions can’t be changed, … many can be. Also not like it’s “all or nothing” either – could be question of degree and/or timing.

But … really, … me, … introverted, shy, looking rather probable I’ve got Asperger syndrome, looks like pretty damn friggin’ hard long odds. Worth it? <cough> – hardly seems so … at least at present. But bears further consideration and reconsideration. And if something doesn’t work, probably time to try something different – or try some other way(s).

Computers is my Friend, etc.

2012-07-02 20:11:49 PDT

“Computers is my friend”. (And other such “friends”). Sad, but (relatively) true.

At least for many, a lot of other things could likewise substitute.

Okay, so computers – never going to be that friendly to me. They’ll never love me. Heck, they’ll never even care, or feel at all in the least.

Regardless, though, they quite “obey” and respond to me. They do precisely what I tell them to. Exceptions to that are very rare. At least when they don’t do precisely what I told them to do, it’s not the computer’s fault.
“This kind of thing has come up before and it has always been attributable to human error” –
HAL 9000 (computer), 2001: A Space Odyssey
They never let me down, … well, hardly. Notwithstanding human introduced aforementioned errors, there are hardware problems, sure, those can let me down hard, but there are backups and tested backups, so those can be fixed and put right again. Besides, “hardware problems”, really just another human failing at the implementation … in design, manufacturing, installation, provided environment, etc. So again, not the “computer”‘s fault. And infinitely (or nearly so) more fixable than a “mere” human – all those physical bits that can break and fail, many of which can’t be repaired or fully repaired or replaced with identical or precisely functionally equivalent replacement components. Heck, the human comes with one guarantee – that it will utterly and completely fail – even if it does manage to last quite a while, in the end, it’s dead and can serve no further purpose (beyond maybe a bit of compost).

Computers don’t have moods. They don’t have finicky unpredictable bits (notwithstanding human introduced flaws). Sure they’ll never love, like, or care. But they’ll never reject you or put you down. They won’t walk away – unless you tell them to. Heck, right attached bits, and they could probably give an excellent massage and exactly to one’s liking … except they’d never feel a thing for you or care at all, … but they’d never regret or despise either.

Computers are highly literal. None of this wishy-washy misinterpretation and ambiguity. It is what it is, and is not what it is not. No more, no less. Their “language” is very easy to understand and clear – at least for many, anyway … certainly is for me. Not so with other humans – no matter how fluent we might both be in the same language, ambiguities and misunderstandings tend to occur, sometimes chronically so. With humans – and at least especially with most, there’s this whole meta-communication thing that really just complicates – and often even quite contradicts, the language communication. Why can’t humans just say what they mean, intend, and even, as applicable, want, and feel? What’s so damn hard about that? Humans are not mind readers, so why walk around half wishing or likewise acting as if they were or ever could be?

And I’m very good at it – computers. Both professionally, and also primary recreational interest.

“But” … computers … there’s no “there” there. Kind’a. Computer is, “just” a tool, is “all”. But a very complex and capable one. One so complex and capable, it can be very possible for a mere human to never really notice or discover that there’s no “there” there. And besides, maybe there’s no “there” out there or beyond anyway, to find or connect to or discover. So, at least “in the meantime”, maybe computer can be a “nice” way to distractedly not discover that ultimate void.

And what of humans, and relations, and “connecting”? And what of it?

Whole lot of other things folks can bury themselves into to not be connected to others. E.g. work, profession, hobbies, you name it. Lots of things people can quite put themselves into and not connect to others. A bad thing? I suppose very much that – “it depends”.

the “sit on it” rule

2012-07-02 20:09:39 PDT

Some things it’s best not to decide on immediately, or especially in the “heat of the moment” (or the whatever of the moment – disappointment, frustration, upset, joy, fear, terror … whatever it may be). Sure, some things do or may require immediate action or reaction, but many/most things don’t. So generally let it sit a bit – be that minutes, hours, days, weeks, or more. That doesn’t mean postpone action or decision forever. But rather it means don’t be unnecessarily rushed or rash about “it”. Particularly if it is or may be rather to quite important, and actual decision or action (or choosing not to act) can wait.

Random examples, including actual personal, practical, and hypothetical (and not gonna say which is which):

Someone does something upsetting – if it’s not a huge deal, let it slide at least a while – maybe that’s not at all what they intended. If there’s no need to react immediately (e.g. different if one needs to change something that’s in progress), then maybe just come back to it later if and as follow-up or adjustment/reaction, etc. is appropriate. In the meantime, some more time, cooler heads, etc., often quite likely one will come up with better approach(es), and the person might also be much more approachable a bit later too.

Enthralled with someone? Sure, generally good/okay to show that … within reason. But too much too soon can go badly … slow it down, give it some time/space. If it’s quite genuine, it’ll generally build quite well and solidly enough anyway, and probably more solidly than if things go too far too fast. Take at least wee bit of breather to reassess feelings – and the reality – of the situation and person, etc.

Important life decisions. Sure, those decisions generally need be made, and ought not be deferred too long. But a lot of the time when something comes up, don’t need to answer, react, or respond immediately. E.g. just got offered another job? Not 100% sure about it, or want to be sure you’re not mistaken? Take a bit of time – ask ’em when they need to know back by – typically if they’ve gone so far as to extend the offer, usually they can stand up to 3 or more business days to get an “answer” from you. Consider it carefully and thoroughly – both logically, and how it feels. If there are others involved it is or may be significant to – e.g. spouse/family – take the time to discuss it with them too. Generally one need not accept a job offer on-the-spot, and typically don’t even need to answer by next business day.

Sh*t happens. How you gonna deal with it? Again, in a lot of cases, there’s no pressing need to address it immediately. Take time to asses the situation and options. Often some moderate amount of additional time to consider, “research”, etc., as fitting, will often lead to rather to quite better decision … or maybe the same decision anyway, but with a much better and well founded confidence level in the decision.