above crud, and other bits

OMG!!! Yet another horribly long ramble? Maybe, … maybe not. Sure, some meandering topics … semi-related, … or not. Horribly long? We shall see. In not necessarily any particular order …

Food, eating, blah, blah, blah. I’ve been doing a bit better on that. Far from great, but … okayish? Mostly still, at least for the most part, no appetite (generally a symptom of mood being flat/down, but … whatever) and … likwise, eat, even stuffed to the gills, and … really never feel full, either. That still seems quite the case – and is generally atypical for me – but been the case oh … probably about a year and a half or so now. Anyway, doing a bit better on it … the eating part of it anyway. Mostly just trying to, and “forcing” myself, to eat a bit more regularly and better. That’s mostly it. Sometimes the appetite even puts in a slight appearance … but … mostly not. Whatever. So, … I deal with it, … and … try to eat more reasonably and consistently. Much more like a chore than a joy or a thing enjoyed at all, but, whatever, … needs be done, … and, … mostly doing it, … at least semi-/kind’a okayish, anyway. Sure, not great, but … at least a bit better. I dunno, mostly just don’t seem to care about or be interested in food, or hungry anymore – at least for the most part. Whatever, … just make it happen (the eating) anyway.

Mood in general? Eh, more recently, … general trend/average … a hair better, anyway. I think mostly above “crud” anyway – though that might also occasionally sneak (back) in. Good? Yeah, if only. More like okay/okayish, or … well, something above crud anyway, and between there and okay/okayish, … and … sometimes even at/around okay. Better than okay? Eh, maybe some slight rare bits above that for very short durations – if at all. Anyway, mostly above crud, anyway, and perhaps at least flirting/brushing with okay/okayish. Improvement, anyway, compared to, oh, I dunno, a few months or so ago I guess.

Stress, connection, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, I’ll first mention interesting video: YouTube: TED: Kelly McGonigal: How to make stress your friend watch from the start of the video or jump straight to the 2nd point I touch upon. Interesting video, and for the most part I won’t cover what it says or touches upon … except for two bits. First of all – stress. Not all stress is bad. E.g. exercise is a form of stress. And, I more-or-less – at least approximately, know, at least some key differences between “good” stress, and “bad” stress – but I wouldn’t differentiate in same manner the video does, but suffice it to say I can typically tell ’em apart – at least for me, anyway. E.g. “instant” stress headache – yeah, that’d be from bad stress. Stressful, but challenging, interesting, exciting, the kind of thing one typically enjoys and throws oneself into – that would generally be good stress. But I digress. That’s one point the video touches upon (though with rather different take on it). Other key bit is between stress (and oxytocin) and social connection/interaction. Most notably (and my paraphrasing from the video), that stress increases production of oxytocin, which makes us more social – more inclined to reach out and connect for support. Though I can’t say I generally support that hypothesis, I can say, that, under exceedingly high stress, it is definitely true – highly more inclined to and much more capable of making those social connections. And I don’t even mean from, or just from existing relationships/connections, but pretty much making and forming ’em almost out of the blue – from almost nothing to meaningful supportive/reassuring connections, and damn fast and efficiently at it too! Yep, have seen that in myself. Pretty darn rare that I’m that intensely stressed, but when I am – “poof” – almost like magic – when I really pretty much have to make those connections, almost, if not, as matter of survival … boom – they happen … and fast – and without me even having to think about how to do it or that I did it. Maybe it’s oxytocin to credit? I’ve no idea, but in any case, it works! And, damn good that it does – ’cause it pretty much has to then … and … it does. Unfortunately, however, it mostly just doesn’t last. Acute stress gone, then just can’t make those connections anymore, and those made under the acute stress? – typically fade out pretty quickly. Buggers. Now, if only there were some way to just “turn on” that capability – without needing to be under massive/acute stress for it to become “active”. Drats. But it can happen. Biochemistry? And/or very atypical psychological state of mind? Whatever, … it works. Well, … at least for that brief duration anyway. Then we’re basically back to nothin’ again … well, ’tis pretty much the case for me anyway. Friends, meaningful connections – establishing/making that … yeah, still a friggin’ helluva time managing to get any of that to happen. Hmmmm, shouldn’t need major stresses like someone pointing a gun at my head or the like to induce enough stress to make some social bonding possible, and certainly shouldn’t have stresses like that multiple times per day to be able to keep up such social bonding capabilities. Dang, so, … how do I get it to work better, … much better. Is it so dang difficult for everyone else? Well, no, … the evidence clearly points that I’m quite the minority on that one. About one new good friend per dozen years? Even less frequent for anything approaching the possibility of a decent relationship? Yeah, I need to do a lot better at that. Already 50 years old, still alone, … way too damn painfully alone, and, … at that rate, I’ll be dead long before I’m anything close to married.

So, … connections, friendship (or more) and attempts thereof, how goes all that for me, and more recently? Bleh. I think I’d have to give that a rating of about crud – and “of course”, mostly put that upon myself. It’s not like I don’t try – certainly do, but results? About zilch, … still. And, sometimes too, I try less, or don’t try. The highly constant stream of nothing but disappointments, never any real connection, … not even a decent bit of “traction”, well, that just really friggin’ hurts a whole bloody hell of a lot. Damn painful. So, … sometimes I try a lot less. E.g. commuter train – BART – why the f*ck even try? Did the stats before, but really – add up all the time over the decades, commuting on BART, and all the trying, and, really quite zero results with … well, hundreds, if not thousands of contacts, whole helluva lot of attempts, I think it literally adds up to months or more of contiguous time if it was stretched out end to end, and … nothin’ … really quite absolutely nothing. So, … why even try there? So, … yeah, don’t think I’ve even tried there, in the slightest, … in months or more. Find someone I might be interested in talking to or approaching? I just don’t bother. Why try, just to be disappointed yet a friggin’ ‘gain. So I don’t. Ignore the possibility. Or try and turn it into a nice fantasy – “ah, yes, could be wondeful connection, … if I actually approached the person or said ‘hi’ or responded” – yep, can hang onto that fantasy if I don’t actually try, … if I actually try – end of fantasy, and it ain’t happenin’ anyway – no connection, no nothin’, no real possibility, … and … much less painful without the disappointment yet again. And, who the hell am I kidding. Pretty much anything anywhere else is about the same. Okay, so maybe I haven’t given up trying entirely, but geez, really, what’s the point? I mean there is supposed to be a point, right? F*ck.

And, as humans, we get to also be a set of walking inconsistent contradictions. A lot of the time I wish I didn’t need or want anyone at all – any people, any humans whatsoever, and that I felt absolutely nothing at all. Really, I do. Would be a lot less painful. Sometimes I even try and do that … but doesn’t work … at least not for long, anyway. Buggers. I’m a friggin’ human after all. Cr*p. So, yeah, I kind’a … well, not exactly “bounce”, but more like move and sway between those relative extremes … though not really all that much motion – not all that big a range. Going from not trying at all on the social connections and attempting to ignore and feel nothing – and sure as hell wishing I felt exactly and only nothing … to … well, at least trying somewhat here ‘n there – sometimes even trying a whole heck of a lot, and even being and trying to be quite positive and optimistic about it. And, … yeah, failing each and every time, over and over again. F*ck. Yeah it sucks. Ugh. So, yeah, on the “connection” stuff, that’s still around the crud range – maybe that’s all it’ll ever be … hell, … probably that’s what it’s generally been most all my life, with sometimes some exceptions here ‘n there, but mostly crud … and the exceptions only being after I somehow managed to make that connection, … don’t know that I’ve ever been better (or will ever be better?) at managing to make those connections – most notably getting them well started in the first place. Seem to do fairly well at it once they’re well established, … but alas, far far far too rare that I ever manage to make it to that point. <sigh>

Economics of scarcity? Things are more sought after and perceived as more valuable when they’re harder to get or there’s fewer of them. Uhm, yeah, weird, but that’s how it tends to work. It’s cr*p, but it’s also reality. Somehow, though, I don’t think (further) burying myself in my “cave” and being yet more of a hermit would cause a bunch of potential dates of interest to me to come beating a path to my door. And I refuse to be the jerk that one has to “win over” to gain the attentions of and/or respect of. Just not me, and I refuse to play that “game”. I’m a nice guy, I’m not a jerk – and not gonna play one or act like one, and certainly not gonna be one. I dunno. Maybe I try too hard? Things are often not appreciated/valued so much if they’re easy or readily available. For friends and those I care about – heck, even somewhat more generally than that – I’m willing to do a lot, I offer a lot, do a lot, etc. Maybe that comes off as “desperate” or “suspicious” or something like that. I don’t know. I’ve really about zero clue on most all this. I’m certainly not a mind reader. And, even, for the most part, not good at reading people, so, to large extent, no idea whatsoever what they’re thinking or feeling – so I’ve quite no idea, and really quite can’t tell what works, what doesn’t, what works, better or worse, or makes really much of any difference whatsoever. Maybe that’s huge chunk of why I’m so horribly lost on this social stuff. I’ve got no friggin’ clue, and can’t figure it out. Yeah, and nobody’s exactly telling me, either. Yep, I’m screwed … figuratively.

Another random bit. Venue. Large TV screens. Mostly sports stuff (and the inevitable commercials) on the screens, TVs blaring loud. Pizza, beer, stuff like that, crowd even louder than the blaring TVs. I really just don’t get it. Most – if not all – folks there, quite seemed to be having a good time. Absolutely definitely not my scene. Zilch interest in watching sports (with quite negligible exceptions), zero interest in hanging around with crowds and people cheering and whooping and hollering about stuff I just don’t care about at all, zero interest in beer, damn friggin’ loud environment, about impossible to have a conversation – almost have to holler just to be heard. Yet folks seem to be enjoying it. Egad. I don’t get it. Not for me, not enjoyable at all – mostly just a big nuisance. Yeck. How many more days ’till football season is over? Crud.

And, to attempt to end on slightly more positive note? Yeah, (mostly) above crud, maybe even approaching okay(ish). Been doing more of filling time. For the most part not a damn thing I enjoy nor anything to look forward to … at all really. Just been doing some more of keepin’ busy, doing “stuff” – mostly nothing I care about – really don’t have much of anything I care about. So, anyway, with more busy, the time passes a bit less painfully. So, … a step (or half-step … quarter step at least?) above crud.

Buggers, all that typing, and I’ve not said much new, huh? Rats. Oh well, hey, above crud – that’s somethin’, anyway.

optimal? semi-random update bits

So, how have I been doing, what’s new? Etc., etc.

Well, I think generally, some (slight?/)moderate bit better. Kind’a generally “okay”, or at least “passable”. A bit above “surviving” I guess, but not by all that much – certainly not “living”, but, eh, whatever, beats things sucking even worse, anyway.

And, at the moment? Meh, not so hot. And, yeah, that’ll probably make my writing suck even a bit more. “Oh well”, deal with it. ;-)

So a few random thoughts. Ought I be much more me? Or, rather “be” much more neurotypcial(NT) – or at least “fake” it better, or learn how to much better interact with such? I really don’t know. Somehow I guestimate that what is and would be optimal, is probably some of both – and may very much depend upon circumstances, and other factors. “Use what works.” – I don’t think that’s a static answer, but qutie context dependent. Rats, if only all the “right” answers, were simple ones.

Other bits – social interaction, and how I suck at it – especially non-verbal. But, … is it really on or mostly on the “sending” side, … or is it receiving, … or both? I’d been tending to think it was mostly a “sending” problem. Namely, at “reading” emotional state, from faces, I thought I was fairly good at that – a hair above average even. But, … that was based on static images of faces – on-line kind’a test, no timelimits or time constraints, nothing moving (other than when I clicked to input a response or go to next image), effectively no interaction, reaction, or movement. Certainly a whole helluva lot different than attempting to have a conversation with someone – and mostly failing to make eye contact, as that tends to distract the hell out’a me, and have me completely forget what I was saying or attempting to say – even mid-sentence. So, maybe I also suck, or quite so, on the receiving side of things. Seem to do fair at vocal cues though – in the listening, … but not great … and … perhaps much better at that when I’m not listening to the words nor even trying to listen to the words. I dunno. I just shouldn’t jump too easily to conclusions – especially if they may be quite incorrect. Not that I’d concluded much, but had hypothesized.

This weekend, … yeah, thus far pretty sucky. Really quite nothing I’ve been looking forward to, nothing I’ve been wanting to do. Sucks more than work, and no, I don’t want to be throwing myself more into work – that can quickly become a bad habit, and does about zilch to make the rest of my (non-work) life any better. So, … yeah, have done far too little, seems I can’t find anything I want to do at all. And, crud, next weekend – a 3-day weekend – a whole other extra day to attempt to fill with … something. Well, maybe I ought try harder … or … more accurately, more effectively … to find something I actually look forward to, enjoy, want to do, and can actually do and achieve … and not some pipe dream that’s continuing unreachable disappointment.

Work ‘n all that – been fairly busy, … that and other random stuff I’ve been doing or more-or-less needing to do / get done. Has that been “good”? Eh, mostly just fills the time less painfully, … and is slightly productive (well, for me, anyway, work likes my productivity fine). So, sure, not “good”, but … approximately “okay” … passable. If I could get the non-work stuff even up to that level, it would be a significant improvement. Yeah, I did say I’m not in all that great a mood as I’m writing this. Generally been better / more positive, most of the last couple weeks or so. Not sure precisely why I feel somewhat more like crud at present. Nothing I want to do? Is that more cause, or is that more of symptom?

Connection? Yeah, mostly highly lacking. Did, in the past couple weeks or so, have a couple nice on-line chats with someone. That was quite nice and pleasant, and I really enjoyed that. But far too highly rare and uncommon. E.g. was with someone I’d not heard from, at least for the most part, in about a year. And, … since then – more of the same – little interaction/communication – certainly nothing coming anywhere close to a nice online conversation again. Had some other on-line bits ‘o chat here ‘n there with some other random folks, but that’s mostly been … well, too topical to post here now, anyway. Let’s just say it ain’t exactly been good for my mood. And, as for any in-person, face-to-face, any kind of real connection, or anything near anywhere close, or prospects thereof? Yeah, don’t I wish.

OkCupid and my profile there. Not sure why, but I feel inclined to go on there and edit it. Maybe some more of “me”, but, alas, with relatively “down” mood, and relatively “what the hell” attitude, that could be kind’a hazardous and/or not work very well, … yet that doesn’t seem to dissuade me from the idea. Haven’t yet, … but might go on there at any moment, and start editing away. Also frequently inclined to just totally blow it all away on there – get rid of profile, account, ‘n all that. Seems so damn hopeless anyway. Not sure why I feel like getting rid of it all like that. Maybe in part it’s like a “F*ck you, you had your chance, you never even said ‘hi’ to me or responded, or you rejected me anyway, without even knowing me.” … not that such attitude is at all logical, but what the hell do feelings and emotions have to do with logic? Hmmmm, other random bit … profile photos there need show the person in the photo. I was thinkin’ of mucking around with that … like make me as few pixels on there as could even possibly be recognized, … shrink that *way* down, … quite low res. And, would that help my prospects on OkCupid? Naw, statistically, that would likely quite suck. Kind’a inclined towards no photo at all – except I know that greatly lowers one’s odds on OkCupid. Yeah, logic, what’s that got to do with it? And probably best not to be editing my profile stuff on OkCupid while my mood is down. Despite any best efforts to the contrary, that tends to leak (more like bleed profusely) all over the place – even if not intended, and giving it my best effort, the negative/down attitude seeps through and permeates everything – and that tends to mostly just quite to highly chase away most any prospects. So, … yeah, maybe best if I don’t go on there … if I can keep myself from doing on there. If I go on there, likely it would just sink my mood more. All the efforts, and, crud, what, only one date this year, not even an hour long, and that was pretty sucky at that. Yeah, I should find something else to do, … almost anything else. Now, if only I could find something I wanted to do, … uhm, yeah, like that might actually even be achievable. Nice in-person conversation, that I’d like to have, but … we’re talkin’ reality here. Okay, so reality sucks, my prospects are pretty close to nill on that.

Buggers, and I ought also be updating my resume – similar issue there, if I’m in crud mood writing/editing it, that tends to leak/bleed through significantly, and not go so well.

Crud, yes the writing sucks, no I’m not gonna do much to fix this post – I read through it more/again, thinking to edit, and mostly just drags my mood down more, and, cr*p, starts giving me a stress headache, … not good.

Okay, let’s see if I can end on a positive, er, uhm, at least less negative, note.

“Don’t think about it” – yeah that’s kind’a often mostly a good thing/idea. Been doing a lot ‘o that lately. Especially relationships, or prospects thereof, friends or attempting to make friends or prospects or how to even go about that. Mostly just not think about it – as much as I quite possibly can. Not think about it, not try – pretty much at all and … results? Better mood. Don’t feel so much like cr*p/crud if I avoid, like the plague, thinking about it, or even so much as trying. Does it increase my odds of meeting anyone or anything like that? Hell no … not even trying, but often even retreat from and avoid most any possibility – especially if it doesn’t seem/feel highly probable to lead to some kind’a decent connection. Which, … kind’a means almost avoiding all contact. Crud, eh? And it make me feel better! Yeah, that’s bass ackwards, but is what it is. Maybe that’s why I’ve mostly been feeling better, f*ckin’ don’t think about it at all – at least as much as feasible … and even semi-actively avoid possibilities (really don’t need yet more disappointments/”failure”). Guess that’s why writing/reading this is so unpleasant for me – causes me to think about it, and that’s damn painful, unpleasant, and friggin’ depressing. Whole lot “nicer” to be not thinking about it – at all. Sucks being human. Sure as hell could do without emotions or any need/desire to connect. Cr*p. Positive note/ending, ah, yes, … (try to) fill time with “stuff to do” – “distractions”, do not think about connecting or attempt such at all and … I friggin’ feel better! [insert smirk here]. Whatever, … enough for now – switch my attention to some distractions or something else to do, and … I’ll feel “better” again (at least for certain definitions of “better”). “Fine thanks, how are you?”

been busy … catch-up, … updates, …

So, I been kind’a busy. Things settling down more now (well, maybe? Whatever.).

Some semi-random thoughts, updates, and catch-up. Can’t cover it “all” (lucky you, maybe that means it won’t be too long of my writing) … but, … maybe you won’t get that lucky. ;-) Sorry.

Last Saturday/Sunday – fair bit to much of it … headache(s) – at least on and off. Not sure what was up with that. I don’t get headaches often. Most commonly when I do, it’s from stress – particularly negative form(s) of stress – I can feel it – feel the stress in such cases – typically point more-or-less to “exactly” what’s bothering me or got me particularly stressed that’s doing it. Saturday/Sunday? What was doing it? Oh yes, had quite that feel to it, so, yeah, almost certainly negative stress – though there might also have been some other contributing factors. But, put my finger on it precisely – no, couldn’t quite do that. Maybe too much in the mix to quite do that – I dunno. Anyway, headache(s) gone – and good riddance! Yeah, like I said, don’t get ’em often. Last ‘o that seemed to fade and go away sometime on Sunday.

Use what works! – Kind’a thinking a bit of Bruce Lee philosophy. So, … try to be more me? Less of that trying to be like a neurotypical (NT)? Or … ??? What is the optimal strategy? Perhaps (quite likely), what’s best and most effective is … some of both. Probably varies by time and circumstances. Probably also likely varies in particular components. E.g. optimal, for situation X, may be to be more “normal” (NT) on A, B, E, G, and T, and much more “me” on D, R, S, and Q. Uhm, yeah, … if only I well knew – or even had substantial clue(s) as to how much of which was best, and when, where, and under what circumstances. Oh, not to mention being able to actually do such! Hmmmmm… Therein lies the rub? Yeah, big part of the problem is I can’t determine what works. :-( Try whole helluva lot, try this, try that, try the other, try it this way, that way, the other way, try not at all. Results so damn near identical, I can’t separate out at all what does/doesn’t work at all. Or, … reality? It must be different – quite different – or at least I quite presume most all that stuff makes at least some difference, and certainly ought be the signs/signals/evidence to see/determine what makes what kind’a difference – in various ways, both desired, and not. Yeah, seems key problem there, then, must be, not that it makes no difference, and there’s no difference to detect. No, not that. Seems much more probable to be the case that I’m highly blind to it. Many signs, signals, cues, etc., and, unless/until they’re quite blatant, clear, and unambiguous – well – probably even more absolute than “just” that, … only then (or nearly so), do I actually pick up on ’em. Seems viable hypothesis – and would explain a whole lot. How the hell could I adapt and optimize the interactions and such, if I could never even read the cues? Yeah, that’d be a problem – and rather likely is what’s going on … or probably a rather large chunk of it, anyway. Still guestimating/hypothesizing, but seems quite likely to be the case.

Try more, try harder? Aw, f*ck it. ;-) Well, to a fairly large extent, more recently, just have not been trying. And is that a bad thing? Eh, yes and no, but not necessarily. I suppose, been being a bit more “me”, trying less to be/act like somebody/something else (NT), or even tryin’ a whole helluva lot to interact better with NTs. I mean, really, what’s it gotten me? About nothing. Or has it? Maybe I’m so sucky at it I can’t tell the difference ’cause most all those interactions are rather/quite “bad” (ineffective), and … even when I try like heck, maybe I still highly suck at it, and can’t read it worth beans, that, … well, the results are equally abysmal. And so it goes. Busy – yeah, been fair bit ‘o that. For better or worse that mostly gives me lots less time to “try”, or even think about it. The good(?) bit is – makes the passing of time less painful – fills it with stuff to do. Okay, most of which I don’t particularly (if hardly at all) care about or much enjoy, but … whatever, less painful anyway. Sort’a kind’a (barely/marginally) (almost?) “okay”(?). Still rather sucks, but what the hell, it’s less painful. Okay, maybe except for some sh*t headaches.

Try not to think about it. Yeah, that makes it less painful / more tolerable too. Just don’t friggin’ think about it. Friend(s)? Relationship(s)? Prospects thereof? Attempting to find/grow that, connect, etc.? Yeah, it’s shit, it’s hard, it sucks, it’s painful. But if I don’t think about it – as much as feasible (keep busy with lots ‘o other stuff/sh*t) – and also, mostly not even trying, … it hurts less, … even quite a bit less. Sh*t, … that ain’t exactly a solution though, … not even close – more like just friggin’ pain relief. Haven’t stopped the source/cause of the pain. No wonder I had a friggin’ headache. Whole bloodly weekend off and … try? Prospects? Yeah, did go to a social event. Hell, went to really at least two such events. Did I try? No, not really hardly at all. Attitude? Yeah, rather “negative” – or perhaps more so too friggin’ realistic attitude. Mostly with attitude ain’t no friggin’ way in hell I’m gonna meet ‘n connect with nobody. Not that it was bad – not even that I was “negative” on it. Tryin’ to think how to more accurately describe/convey. Kind’a like attitude of not trying, not caring, anticipating and having zero prospects, and not caring about it and not thinking about it – or … well, not quite really/fully, but sort’a like tryin’ to fake myself out and think that way. And just not push myself on it. Yeah, no wonder I had a friggin’ headache. And despite all that, it was “okay” – for certain definitions of “okay”. Wasn’t really all that painful at all (okay, except for the headaches). Enjoyable? Eh, passable, more-or-less. Did I enjoy it enough I’d want to do it again? Oh, more like I’d kind’a slightly prefer not to, but keep throwing myself at it anyway – ’cause, yeah, that’s some ‘o ’bout the best prospects I got, … even if they’re about zilch. FML. Yeah, … not think about it. :-> (Much!) less painful that way – at least for the most part. Results? Eh, thus far cr*p, either way.

Use what works. Yeah, I need to get to that. Crud – long ways to go. And already over 50 years down. Rats.

And, to attempt to end on a more positive note. Some modest bits of communications in recent weeks have gone pleasantly surprisingly well. Kind’a out-of-the-blue. Not gonna detail on this blog, and really only a couple “conversations” or so, and, … buggers, just on-line text, no IRL, ’bout zilch prospects of that, but … what the hell, certainly better than nothing. Yes, even some very nice positive complimentary comments from someone to me – but alas, over thousands of miles away, and for that and a host of other reasons, will probably never even meet, and … relationship or anything like that? No, ain’t gonna happen, nowhere close, … even if I might wish it – whole lot ‘o reasons, not gonna detail any ‘o that here. And, unfortunately, far too seldom and sporadic and irregular – just generally don’t have that with much or any regularity or dependability (do have one most excellent friend – but a lot ‘o constraints there too … and no, not gonna detail). So, yeah, generally, far too little connection. Cr*p, didn’t I say something about positive? Anyway, at least some bits ‘o nice “connected” on-line chat or the like. Would be nice if I had some such nice conversations – and preferably in person – and much more regularly. Oh well, I can dream, right? Speaking of which, had fairly decent interesting dream overnight – but forgotten almost all of it now. Sleep? Ah, yeah, whatever, too late for more ‘o that – got some. Whatever, sometimes other things are (much) more important than sleep.