Isolation, and other random crud

And another weekend, gone. Not that I was much (if at all?) looking forward to it – well, probably the bit ‘o break for work anyway, … at least semi-/mostly looking forward to that, but … other than that? Okay, so, maybe looked forward to it bit more than just that slight bit. But, how did it work out? Meh. And now I dread returning to work this morning. Why? I dunno, signals the end of my weekend, I guess, … not that the work is much worse than the weekend. Hell, maybe it’s even “better”? … well, perhaps (very) slight so? I dunno. Yeah, pretty much about nothing to look forward to – work-wise or otherwise, and that continues to be the case.

Who, me, isolated? Yep, way to damn much so – despite all attempts to the contrary. Phone calls and phone. Once upon a time basic phone service was a lot cheaper. Whatever. Anyway, now, if I take that monthly phone bill – which still isn’t all that much – hey, it’s not like there are a bunch of long distance calls on it or anything like that – divide it out by the incoming calls (what about outgoing calls? Yeah, sure, I make those too – more than incoming – but as for personal outgoing calls, I call, generally get voicemail, leave a message and generally do not hear back, or get voicemail, and, just send an email instead, or … just don’t even bother, as I’d already left messages or sent emails and generally not heard back, so why bother?) … anyway, incoming calls – subtract out the robocalls and unsolicited sales calls and cr*p like that, take those very few remaining calls, divide ’em by monthly phone cost, and … cost per incoming call – yeah, like about $5.00 to $10.00 USD per incoming call. Geez, … yeah, hardly anyone ever calls. I call, but mostly just don’t get responded to. So, I tend to give up after a while – lest I be perceived as annoyance, or worse. And, bloody heck, “nice, friendly” robocall – from health plan goop … part of their pitch – yeah, go to their site, download and print out free games to play with family and friends. Yeah, right, as if I had family and/or friends I could play some game with. I hung up at that point. And that may have been the nicest friendliest call I’d gotten all week.

So, what did I do, e.g. this weekend, and last? Dragged myself out to dinner – once, both weekends. And, how was all that? Eh, gets a bit more variety of food into me, anyway – maybe that was the prime objective, maybe not. Whatever. So, go to fairly busy crowded place, lots of people. Interaction? Ha. Yeah, other than a few functional – or even barely so – words with food service staff – waitpersons or server or whatever – nothing. Not a word from or to anyone else. So what else is new? Alone and isolated in a sea of people. Drag myself out so I won’t spend the whole damn weekend totally alone, and, am I any less alone out among other people? Hardly. Whatever. That’s not all I did all of both weekends. Also go to some semi-social gathering things, but mostly more of the same – trace more conversation, but really, all-in-all, not much at all really. It’s not like I don’t try – say something, attempt a conversation. It just never goes anywhere. Yes, really never. I don’t mean like doesn’t lead to some hot date and crawling into bed, I mean doesn’t even make it to a sustained conversation. It just don’t happen for me. Period. And I don’t even know why. Certainly no lack of effort and trying. But, eventually I quite back off on that. Why keep beating my head against the wall if it yields absolutely no results anyway? What’s the point of trying, eh? All this sh*t about “meet some wonderful person” – heck, even a friend, … it just don’t happen. Not for me. Never like that, anyway. Never. Period. Really only happens – and far too damn rarely at that – if we first meet on-line. Seems somehow then, I have a fighting chance. But even then, far too damn rare that that happens and gets anywhere for like actual real life face-to-face conversation. Conversations – yeah, I was thinkin’ how many actually nice good long decent conversations have I had – like hour or more good, fairly intense conversations – with anyone in the last year, … well, even stretch it bit more than a whole year. Three? Well, maybe more like only two. If I count one at or a bit beyond a year ago – and was by phonenot in person – did have one conversation that was about 3 hours long, … happened to be situation/circumstances that made it awkward and uneasy and rather uncomfortable, but, nevertheless, overall, it was a good conversation – and rather lengthy. But that was only over phone, not in person. Hadn’t had a conversation of that length – or even up to an hour or more – and even up to that quality – even if it had fair bit of negative/uneasy/uncomfortable in the mix – with that person, nothing like that since, nor before – or at least not before for more than many years. So, do I even “count” that one, if it was about year, or more ago, and wasn’t face-to-face anyway. And, the remaining two? I got lucky. Some nice wonderful conversations with someone last month. Two such conversations, each about an hour or more. But, nothing before, nothing since; and since, … haven’t even heard back in … I think it’s weeks now. Not a peep. So, maybe that’s totally dead? Or not. I don’t know. So, … about 2 conversations a year, … if I get lucky. Yeah, sucks. And especially when I’d rather a good conversation than good/great sex, … uhm, yeah, good/great sex would be wonderful, but sex without the communication quite sucks in short order – at least for me, anyway. So, yeah, I’d take the conversation over sex any day. At least the conversation might be more attainable. And, if I think last … about 5 or 6 years or so. How ’bout those conversations? Yeah, really really lacking. Other than those 3 I mention, within about the last year+ or so, can’t think of any I’ve had like that within the past … about 6 years, really. Okay, so maybe there’s one or two or three somewhere in there I’m forgetting about. But still, that’s way way way too little, too rare, way too damn rare – especially for me, that really wants to be connected and communicate and have those damn conversations. Far far far too lacking. Alone in a sea of people. So, WTF is wrong with me? And how come nobody can tell me what it is? And yeah it hurts like hell. Maybe I just kind’a gotten too used to the pain, as it’s pretty much all the time for me. And then I break a bone and it’s days or more before I figure out it’s broken – that’s happened to me on multiple occasions. I guess I just don’t quite notice all the pain that’s there. Oops.

I often wish I didn’t feel a damn thing. ‘Cause mostly it just friggin’ hurts, and doesn’t seem at all worth it. But, friggin’ stuck being human, and, dang, cr*p, that comes with feelings. Sh*t. Would be much easier without, eh?

And why the hell is it that most anything and everything I want involves other people and being connected? Bugger that. Maybe because eventually I find the “everything else” and being so indefinitely and totally unconnected – well, eventually gets to be very unsatisfying and boring. I dunno, some damn thing about being human and social animals or something like that – and don’t do well alone. Yeah, well I got that – not doing well alone – and way too alone way too damn long.

Liked, respected, maybe even a bit of admired and looked up to? I get some fair bit of that – rather surprisingly so. Most notably that it surprises the heck out’a me. Like where the heck did that come from, and why the hell would you or anyone be interested in me and at all look up to, admire, or respect me? I guess fair part of that is I’m mostly quite oblivous to it. Don’t know why – I think it’s probably “always” been the case. I just “don’t get it”. Someone insults me or makes a joke at my expense, or compliments me – either way, seems most all the time I quite totally miss that – don’t catch it at all. So, yeah, I suppose that’s a problem too. Not knowing to avoid and stop wasting time/effort/energy, where someone not only isn’t interested in me, but doesn’t even like me, and even quite dislikes me – ’cause I don’t pick up on that. And, likewise, how the heck do I “connect” with someone that likes me, if I’ve no clue they like and are interested in me? Of course, then again, not everyone that “likes” me or whatever, is at all necessarily a good “fit” for me, or even close – heck, pretty much all of ’em hardly know me at all, but, whatever, at least there might be some chance out there … if I friggin’ knew. Not so likely otherwise. Why can’t I see that? The he/she likes you (me) … or … dislikes me. By the time I figure that out, it’s typically too damn late – if I even figure it out at all. Opportunity long since gone, or poor/bad situation only made worse.

Oh well. And so it goes.

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