been busy … catch-up, … updates, …

So, I been kind’a busy. Things settling down more now (well, maybe? Whatever.).

Some semi-random thoughts, updates, and catch-up. Can’t cover it “all” (lucky you, maybe that means it won’t be too long of my writing) … but, … maybe you won’t get that lucky. ;-) Sorry.

Last Saturday/Sunday – fair bit to much of it … headache(s) – at least on and off. Not sure what was up with that. I don’t get headaches often. Most commonly when I do, it’s from stress – particularly negative form(s) of stress – I can feel it – feel the stress in such cases – typically point more-or-less to “exactly” what’s bothering me or got me particularly stressed that’s doing it. Saturday/Sunday? What was doing it? Oh yes, had quite that feel to it, so, yeah, almost certainly negative stress – though there might also have been some other contributing factors. But, put my finger on it precisely – no, couldn’t quite do that. Maybe too much in the mix to quite do that – I dunno. Anyway, headache(s) gone – and good riddance! Yeah, like I said, don’t get ’em often. Last ‘o that seemed to fade and go away sometime on Sunday.

Use what works! – Kind’a thinking a bit of Bruce Lee philosophy. So, … try to be more me? Less of that trying to be like a neurotypical (NT)? Or … ??? What is the optimal strategy? Perhaps (quite likely), what’s best and most effective is … some of both. Probably varies by time and circumstances. Probably also likely varies in particular components. E.g. optimal, for situation X, may be to be more “normal” (NT) on A, B, E, G, and T, and much more “me” on D, R, S, and Q. Uhm, yeah, … if only I well knew – or even had substantial clue(s) as to how much of which was best, and when, where, and under what circumstances. Oh, not to mention being able to actually do such! Hmmmmm… Therein lies the rub? Yeah, big part of the problem is I can’t determine what works. :-( Try whole helluva lot, try this, try that, try the other, try it this way, that way, the other way, try not at all. Results so damn near identical, I can’t separate out at all what does/doesn’t work at all. Or, … reality? It must be different – quite different – or at least I quite presume most all that stuff makes at least some difference, and certainly ought be the signs/signals/evidence to see/determine what makes what kind’a difference – in various ways, both desired, and not. Yeah, seems key problem there, then, must be, not that it makes no difference, and there’s no difference to detect. No, not that. Seems much more probable to be the case that I’m highly blind to it. Many signs, signals, cues, etc., and, unless/until they’re quite blatant, clear, and unambiguous – well – probably even more absolute than “just” that, … only then (or nearly so), do I actually pick up on ’em. Seems viable hypothesis – and would explain a whole lot. How the hell could I adapt and optimize the interactions and such, if I could never even read the cues? Yeah, that’d be a problem – and rather likely is what’s going on … or probably a rather large chunk of it, anyway. Still guestimating/hypothesizing, but seems quite likely to be the case.

Try more, try harder? Aw, f*ck it. ;-) Well, to a fairly large extent, more recently, just have not been trying. And is that a bad thing? Eh, yes and no, but not necessarily. I suppose, been being a bit more “me”, trying less to be/act like somebody/something else (NT), or even tryin’ a whole helluva lot to interact better with NTs. I mean, really, what’s it gotten me? About nothing. Or has it? Maybe I’m so sucky at it I can’t tell the difference ’cause most all those interactions are rather/quite “bad” (ineffective), and … even when I try like heck, maybe I still highly suck at it, and can’t read it worth beans, that, … well, the results are equally abysmal. And so it goes. Busy – yeah, been fair bit ‘o that. For better or worse that mostly gives me lots less time to “try”, or even think about it. The good(?) bit is – makes the passing of time less painful – fills it with stuff to do. Okay, most of which I don’t particularly (if hardly at all) care about or much enjoy, but … whatever, less painful anyway. Sort’a kind’a (barely/marginally) (almost?) “okay”(?). Still rather sucks, but what the hell, it’s less painful. Okay, maybe except for some sh*t headaches.

Try not to think about it. Yeah, that makes it less painful / more tolerable too. Just don’t friggin’ think about it. Friend(s)? Relationship(s)? Prospects thereof? Attempting to find/grow that, connect, etc.? Yeah, it’s shit, it’s hard, it sucks, it’s painful. But if I don’t think about it – as much as feasible (keep busy with lots ‘o other stuff/sh*t) – and also, mostly not even trying, … it hurts less, … even quite a bit less. Sh*t, … that ain’t exactly a solution though, … not even close – more like just friggin’ pain relief. Haven’t stopped the source/cause of the pain. No wonder I had a friggin’ headache. Whole bloodly weekend off and … try? Prospects? Yeah, did go to a social event. Hell, went to really at least two such events. Did I try? No, not really hardly at all. Attitude? Yeah, rather “negative” – or perhaps more so too friggin’ realistic attitude. Mostly with attitude ain’t no friggin’ way in hell I’m gonna meet ‘n connect with nobody. Not that it was bad – not even that I was “negative” on it. Tryin’ to think how to more accurately describe/convey. Kind’a like attitude of not trying, not caring, anticipating and having zero prospects, and not caring about it and not thinking about it – or … well, not quite really/fully, but sort’a like tryin’ to fake myself out and think that way. And just not push myself on it. Yeah, no wonder I had a friggin’ headache. And despite all that, it was “okay” – for certain definitions of “okay”. Wasn’t really all that painful at all (okay, except for the headaches). Enjoyable? Eh, passable, more-or-less. Did I enjoy it enough I’d want to do it again? Oh, more like I’d kind’a slightly prefer not to, but keep throwing myself at it anyway – ’cause, yeah, that’s some ‘o ’bout the best prospects I got, … even if they’re about zilch. FML. Yeah, … not think about it. :-> (Much!) less painful that way – at least for the most part. Results? Eh, thus far cr*p, either way.

Use what works. Yeah, I need to get to that. Crud – long ways to go. And already over 50 years down. Rats.

And, to attempt to end on a more positive note. Some modest bits of communications in recent weeks have gone pleasantly surprisingly well. Kind’a out-of-the-blue. Not gonna detail on this blog, and really only a couple “conversations” or so, and, … buggers, just on-line text, no IRL, ’bout zilch prospects of that, but … what the hell, certainly better than nothing. Yes, even some very nice positive complimentary comments from someone to me – but alas, over thousands of miles away, and for that and a host of other reasons, will probably never even meet, and … relationship or anything like that? No, ain’t gonna happen, nowhere close, … even if I might wish it – whole lot ‘o reasons, not gonna detail any ‘o that here. And, unfortunately, far too seldom and sporadic and irregular – just generally don’t have that with much or any regularity or dependability (do have one most excellent friend – but a lot ‘o constraints there too … and no, not gonna detail). So, yeah, generally, far too little connection. Cr*p, didn’t I say something about positive? Anyway, at least some bits ‘o nice “connected” on-line chat or the like. Would be nice if I had some such nice conversations – and preferably in person – and much more regularly. Oh well, I can dream, right? Speaking of which, had fairly decent interesting dream overnight – but forgotten almost all of it now. Sleep? Ah, yeah, whatever, too late for more ‘o that – got some. Whatever, sometimes other things are (much) more important than sleep.


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