optimal? semi-random update bits

So, how have I been doing, what’s new? Etc., etc.

Well, I think generally, some (slight?/)moderate bit better. Kind’a generally “okay”, or at least “passable”. A bit above “surviving” I guess, but not by all that much – certainly not “living”, but, eh, whatever, beats things sucking even worse, anyway.

And, at the moment? Meh, not so hot. And, yeah, that’ll probably make my writing suck even a bit more. “Oh well”, deal with it. ;-)

So a few random thoughts. Ought I be much more me? Or, rather “be” much more neurotypcial(NT) – or at least “fake” it better, or learn how to much better interact with such? I really don’t know. Somehow I guestimate that what is and would be optimal, is probably some of both – and may very much depend upon circumstances, and other factors. “Use what works.” – I don’t think that’s a static answer, but qutie context dependent. Rats, if only all the “right” answers, were simple ones.

Other bits – social interaction, and how I suck at it – especially non-verbal. But, … is it really on or mostly on the “sending” side, … or is it receiving, … or both? I’d been tending to think it was mostly a “sending” problem. Namely, at “reading” emotional state, from faces, I thought I was fairly good at that – a hair above average even. But, … that was based on static images of faces – on-line kind’a test, no timelimits or time constraints, nothing moving (other than when I clicked to input a response or go to next image), effectively no interaction, reaction, or movement. Certainly a whole helluva lot different than attempting to have a conversation with someone – and mostly failing to make eye contact, as that tends to distract the hell out’a me, and have me completely forget what I was saying or attempting to say – even mid-sentence. So, maybe I also suck, or quite so, on the receiving side of things. Seem to do fair at vocal cues though – in the listening, … but not great … and … perhaps much better at that when I’m not listening to the words nor even trying to listen to the words. I dunno. I just shouldn’t jump too easily to conclusions – especially if they may be quite incorrect. Not that I’d concluded much, but had hypothesized.

This weekend, … yeah, thus far pretty sucky. Really quite nothing I’ve been looking forward to, nothing I’ve been wanting to do. Sucks more than work, and no, I don’t want to be throwing myself more into work – that can quickly become a bad habit, and does about zilch to make the rest of my (non-work) life any better. So, … yeah, have done far too little, seems I can’t find anything I want to do at all. And, crud, next weekend – a 3-day weekend – a whole other extra day to attempt to fill with … something. Well, maybe I ought try harder … or … more accurately, more effectively … to find something I actually look forward to, enjoy, want to do, and can actually do and achieve … and not some pipe dream that’s continuing unreachable disappointment.

Work ‘n all that – been fairly busy, … that and other random stuff I’ve been doing or more-or-less needing to do / get done. Has that been “good”? Eh, mostly just fills the time less painfully, … and is slightly productive (well, for me, anyway, work likes my productivity fine). So, sure, not “good”, but … approximately “okay” … passable. If I could get the non-work stuff even up to that level, it would be a significant improvement. Yeah, I did say I’m not in all that great a mood as I’m writing this. Generally been better / more positive, most of the last couple weeks or so. Not sure precisely why I feel somewhat more like crud at present. Nothing I want to do? Is that more cause, or is that more of symptom?

Connection? Yeah, mostly highly lacking. Did, in the past couple weeks or so, have a couple nice on-line chats with someone. That was quite nice and pleasant, and I really enjoyed that. But far too highly rare and uncommon. E.g. was with someone I’d not heard from, at least for the most part, in about a year. And, … since then – more of the same – little interaction/communication – certainly nothing coming anywhere close to a nice online conversation again. Had some other on-line bits ‘o chat here ‘n there with some other random folks, but that’s mostly been … well, too topical to post here now, anyway. Let’s just say it ain’t exactly been good for my mood. And, as for any in-person, face-to-face, any kind of real connection, or anything near anywhere close, or prospects thereof? Yeah, don’t I wish.

OkCupid and my profile there. Not sure why, but I feel inclined to go on there and edit it. Maybe some more of “me”, but, alas, with relatively “down” mood, and relatively “what the hell” attitude, that could be kind’a hazardous and/or not work very well, … yet that doesn’t seem to dissuade me from the idea. Haven’t yet, … but might go on there at any moment, and start editing away. Also frequently inclined to just totally blow it all away on there – get rid of profile, account, ‘n all that. Seems so damn hopeless anyway. Not sure why I feel like getting rid of it all like that. Maybe in part it’s like a “F*ck you, you had your chance, you never even said ‘hi’ to me or responded, or you rejected me anyway, without even knowing me.” … not that such attitude is at all logical, but what the hell do feelings and emotions have to do with logic? Hmmmm, other random bit … profile photos there need show the person in the photo. I was thinkin’ of mucking around with that … like make me as few pixels on there as could even possibly be recognized, … shrink that *way* down, … quite low res. And, would that help my prospects on OkCupid? Naw, statistically, that would likely quite suck. Kind’a inclined towards no photo at all – except I know that greatly lowers one’s odds on OkCupid. Yeah, logic, what’s that got to do with it? And probably best not to be editing my profile stuff on OkCupid while my mood is down. Despite any best efforts to the contrary, that tends to leak (more like bleed profusely) all over the place – even if not intended, and giving it my best effort, the negative/down attitude seeps through and permeates everything – and that tends to mostly just quite to highly chase away most any prospects. So, … yeah, maybe best if I don’t go on there … if I can keep myself from doing on there. If I go on there, likely it would just sink my mood more. All the efforts, and, crud, what, only one date this year, not even an hour long, and that was pretty sucky at that. Yeah, I should find something else to do, … almost anything else. Now, if only I could find something I wanted to do, … uhm, yeah, like that might actually even be achievable. Nice in-person conversation, that I’d like to have, but … we’re talkin’ reality here. Okay, so reality sucks, my prospects are pretty close to nill on that.

Buggers, and I ought also be updating my resume – similar issue there, if I’m in crud mood writing/editing it, that tends to leak/bleed through significantly, and not go so well.

Crud, yes the writing sucks, no I’m not gonna do much to fix this post – I read through it more/again, thinking to edit, and mostly just drags my mood down more, and, cr*p, starts giving me a stress headache, … not good.

Okay, let’s see if I can end on a positive, er, uhm, at least less negative, note.

“Don’t think about it” – yeah that’s kind’a often mostly a good thing/idea. Been doing a lot ‘o that lately. Especially relationships, or prospects thereof, friends or attempting to make friends or prospects or how to even go about that. Mostly just not think about it – as much as I quite possibly can. Not think about it, not try – pretty much at all and … results? Better mood. Don’t feel so much like cr*p/crud if I avoid, like the plague, thinking about it, or even so much as trying. Does it increase my odds of meeting anyone or anything like that? Hell no … not even trying, but often even retreat from and avoid most any possibility – especially if it doesn’t seem/feel highly probable to lead to some kind’a decent connection. Which, … kind’a means almost avoiding all contact. Crud, eh? And it make me feel better! Yeah, that’s bass ackwards, but is what it is. Maybe that’s why I’ve mostly been feeling better, f*ckin’ don’t think about it at all – at least as much as feasible … and even semi-actively avoid possibilities (really don’t need yet more disappointments/”failure”). Guess that’s why writing/reading this is so unpleasant for me – causes me to think about it, and that’s damn painful, unpleasant, and friggin’ depressing. Whole lot “nicer” to be not thinking about it – at all. Sucks being human. Sure as hell could do without emotions or any need/desire to connect. Cr*p. Positive note/ending, ah, yes, … (try to) fill time with “stuff to do” – “distractions”, do not think about connecting or attempt such at all and … I friggin’ feel better! [insert smirk here]. Whatever, … enough for now – switch my attention to some distractions or something else to do, and … I’ll feel “better” again (at least for certain definitions of “better”). “Fine thanks, how are you?”

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