disappointment(s), (Emotional) roller coaster … bleh, clearing of the air, sucky dreams, “How are you?” “Fine thanks, how are you?” – and other lies, “He’s a really nice guy.”, Father/parents/upbringing/environment, and other miscellaneous (mostly) cruft

Wrote most of this around 2012-04-21–2012-04-22. Had bit of a disappointment particularly on 2012-04-21, and, well, my mood rather sunk with that, for most of a couple days or so, anyway. So, … you’ve been forewarned ;-) … not the cheeriest of posts. Nevertheless, all still rather/quite relevant … or at least was.

A sampling of thoughts …

In not quite necessarily any particular order.

Stream of conscious? Naw – (at least a) bit too “censored”,
(post-)processed and (semi-)organized for that. “Censored”? … Naw, not that there is or would be anything in particular to censor … mostly more just (semi-)organized, maybe filtered a wee bit for pseduo-anoymous “public” consumption, protecting some folks privacy (don’t need to name names or give identifying details – no need or reason for that).

A bursting of dam, flood of thoughts? No, … not really, mostly just some stuff I’ve been thinking about – most of it rather to quite recently. Much of it not exactly anything I’ve not though of before – sometimes much/repeated thought of before, but … well, mostly relatively topical given what’s happened last few days or so and stuff I’ve been thinking about.

So, … here goes (I did more-or-less say unordered) …

(Emotional) roller coaster … disappointment … bleh. Nothing all that crushing, but … did have my hopes rather/quite up for something this (well, technically last, by the time I get this written, edited, and posted) week, … and rather unexpectedly, just didn’t pan out. Mis- or missed communication, or some of both, or a misread of some subtlety I perhaps should’ve caught, … whatever, flopped, just didn’t happen. Not like it was anybody’s “fault” or whatever, just how it turned out. So, yeah, rather(/quite?) bummed about that. Probably would’a been the highlight of my week. But really, geez, I ought to have more/better/more significant to look forward to, eh? But no, … didn’t really … and … don’t really – or at least so it seems at present. So, … here it was, lateish Saturday afternoon, all ready to go out, awaiting a phone call that just wasn’t gonna come – turns out I’d gotten two earlier emails – one of ’em even from Friday, but both after we’d spoken Friday, and next communication I was expecting was a phone call lateish Saturday afternoon. And, all set to head out, while waiting, I managed to check my personal email, … and drats, just wasn’t gonna be happening – certainly at least not Saturday or more-or-less planned at all. So, a fairly brief “my bad” phone call – to voicemail … and email and … then what? I was about half tempted to proceed on my own – same basic plan, locations, walk, views, bit ‘o fresh air and exercise, change of scenery, etc., but, well, I was most interested and looking forward to the company and conversation, so, in that context, by myself, might’a just been more of a bummer than it already was, and, well, … kind’a pathetic. So, nope, didn’t do that. Shouldn’t be that much of a bummer/disappointment/downer that plans fell through like that. Heck, shouldn’t generally care that much even what someone else might generally happen to think of me – it’s not like I’m different or changed or something – still the same “me”, hardly any difference there. Yet it sure as hell has impact – sometimes a lot … sometimes little to none. I guess if I do, or think I do/might rather or particularly value or care about or “trust” their opinion (or want to) – it’s got, or at least potentially got, a lot more impact … positive and/or negative. Guess that’s just more part of being human (which often, rather sucks). OkCupid? Maybe take rather/quite a break from that … and/or “try harder”? “Need a break? Disable your account and come back any time.” – certainly a tempting option. Guess I’m of about two (or three?) minds on that. Time to take a (semi-)break? Maybe. Perhaps what I dread/”fear” now, is (yeah, if only it were rather/quite probable) some rather/quite potential good match messages me on there, … and … then what? Can I even muster up a good positive response with good attitude? Perhaps, but my confidence level of being able to potentially do so is, uh, quite low – more like I’m quite expecting “it” to fail, even if I manage to put together most perfect and wonderful of responses anyway … and … statistically, I’m probably quite right about it failing, regardless. So, … maybe time to take a break … then again, what “risk”? – pretty damn improbable someone on there would message me out of the blue, and even much more improbable that it would be someone that I might actually be potentially rather to quite interested in (yeah, about half of such out-of-the-blue contacts are like someone in a foreign country who can barely write English, or some gay/bi guy from thousands of miles away, or other generally horrible mismatches (“I cute girl, I make you good wife, me …” – yeah, right)). So, … maybe best to not worry about the highly improbable (might be more likely to get struck by lightening – not exactly something I spend a lot of time worrying about). Try more/harder? Maybe (mostly) later. I guess “new” contacts is probably what I dread most – mostly just all the time, energy, anticipation, and … disappointment. Don’t really need more of that. Follow up on … ??? Well, I guess the only ones I at all really feel like following up with/on presently … had two great meetings with one person I met in the last couple weeks … aye, but that flopped yesterday … maybe just a “minor glitch” … maybe not, … who knows, really quite early yet. Maybe a whole lot of excellent potential there (certainly seems possible), or, regardless, maybe it’s just not gonna fly anyway. Beyond that? … had some nice message/email exchanges with one person some months back – but that seemed to peter out – didn’t hear back on the last several emails. Maybe try wee bit more there, then, … well, give up – no use beating head against wall. Others? I think essentially every other lead on there has gone pretty much nowhere … not that I’ve exactly been trying particularly hard lately. New contacts? Really just not in the mood for it. Be more social, meet some folks, etc. Not particularly up for it … one semi-social engagement today I might typically go to – not that it’s much of an environment/opportunity for making new friends or whatever anyway … I’m rather/quite inclined to blow that off. Can only think of one person I’ve met there before that I might be particularly interested to meet again … and fairly improbable that person would be there anyway … and heck, I can’t even remember that person’s name … don’t have their email or phone number either, though they’ve got mine, and we did have nice conversation/rapport the couple times we’d met before. Yeah, somehow going to library and checking out some book from there sounds a lot more appealing to me presently, than going to some meeting with a bunch ‘o people, … so, yep, not in a particularly social mood, … not anti-social, but more like asocial, or more specifically, social aversion. Heh, could throw a giant pity party for myself, … of course probably only I’d show up, so would be giant pity party of one, for one – maybe not even quite that if I wasn’t all that supportive of me. Ah well, it’ll get better, … well, most likely, anyway. Maybe I ought to drag myself to that semi-social thingy anyway, … it’s not like things could particularly get a whole lot worse.

Friends, etc. Yeah, ain’t got much ‘o that. Sure, have some friends, but the few I’ve got I mostly rather to quite rarely hear from – they’re generally quite busy with their own lives … and/or (mostly) just don’t want to bother. And … more than friends? Eh, … one long distance relationship – haven’t seen each other in over four years … way too long. Besides, I’m really rather sick and tired – at least generally – of the “nice wonderful folks” all over the planet I get to meet, that, … I never meet. It’s not like I’m marooned somewhere thousands of miles away from other people, and could only interact via some on-line means. Heck, I live in an area with probably around 9 million folks within20 or so miles of me, probably over a million within 10 miles … so, yeah, don’t need – or want – to be, so friggin’ isolated in an (almost) sea of people. So, yeah, dragged myself to semi-social thingy, didn’t exactly hurt, but didn’t help much (if at all?) – but that’s mostly me / my attitude that’s the “problem” … well, … at least first issue to be addressed … not that there was much of anything to work with at semi-social thingy. And stopped at library on the way back, … the book I wanted to check out – library has several copies – but they’re all checked out … except two copies in languages other than English – which doesn’t do me any good. Check another library – different city – city where I work, … English copies – checked out or missing, non-English – yeah, you guessed it. Anyway, put in hold request for one of the English copies. Seems like there ought to be some (near-)ideal venue(s) or other opportunities for actually getting to meet and know people – but damned if know where. Not a whole lot ‘o folks I know rather/quite well, and pretty close to zero that know me particularly well at all … okay maybe precisely zero if we round off partial knowing bits to a whole number. Aye, “friends”? … what friends … hardly, … certainly none I could exactly (or even fairly closely) hang out with and tell ’em what I’m thinking and feeling … certainly none anyway, that are like actually reasonably available (if it’s typically weeks to year(s) between hearing back from ’em, that doesn’t count all that much). So, … I type it off into the Ether, where almost nobody sees/reads it – not that I necessarily care that much either way … well, okay, in some ways I do, in (many) others, I just don’t … or … maybe I think I don’t? Whatever.

So, turned out to be a relatively cruddy week … oncall duties atop everything else – including all through the weekend – makes it feel almost like working 12 days in a row … with oncall atop that for a full 7 of those days, … bleh, … never really quite fully get a break from it. And having oncall events at one something in the A.M. on Saturday for stuff that was already attended to less than 12 hours earlier – and having that yet several more hours, didn’t exactly help get the weekend off to a “great” (or even satisfactory) start. Yup, wee bit of a min-break (alas, with oncall gear in tow) … those Saturday plans flopped. Even the phone call that was to happen Thursday evening planning that, didn’t happen – just got voicemail – wasn’t until Friday evening that that “conversation” (of sorts) resumed, … only to be quite fully flopped later anyway. “Oh well”. 1/3 of one’s life oncall is too much – particularly when one gets paged/called quite a bit when one’s oncall. I’ve turned down jobs that have been 50% oncall before. 1/3 is definitely pushing those limits (at best). And it’s not like I get some incredibly great compensation and/or benefits for (also) having all that oncall responsibility/hours/work … not that even that would necessarily make it “worth it” – one never really gets that time (hours/days/…) back.

Stress … headaches, … I rarely get headaches. When I do, it’s almost always stress – and not stress in a good way (not all stress is bad – heck, exercise is a form of stress). About the only other things that “typically” (and also, thankfully, rare for me), give me headaches, are some odd combinations of sunburn, dehydration, cool/cold air, bit of exhaustion, or some relatively atypical illness for me (e.g. flu … with fever … which probably causes … stress). Not sure precisely what, but yeah, definitely (stress) headache(y) much of tail end of week and well into Saturday … at least on-and-off. Not sure precisely what for “cause”, but I could point at various probable causes and/or contributing factors … though not necessarily a complete list. So, … there were the Saturday plans that flopped – quite possibly in part the anticipation and looking forward to that, and that just not panning out along the way – Thursday call – expecting to talk live, … got voicemail, didn’t get called back until fairly late Friday, and, well, despite good/encouraging call Friday, things quite flopped for Saturday – and to make it “worse”, I was still all quite looking forward to Saturday, and expecting a call late that afternoon, … only to find I’d gotten two emails since the earlier call, and, yeah, it wasn’t happening, … might’a known much sooner, not wasted a whole lot ‘o time looking forward to and preparing for something that just wasn’t gonna happen, but, not how it played out. “Of course”, other gunk – like oncall – when dealing with hours ‘o extra gunk in the wee hours Saturday A.M., it’s not like I was also taking time to peek at and catch up on anything that might be in my personal email (sure, I check it, but about daily is pretty typical frequency … sometimes more, sometimes less … not like I do or want to live my life wrapped around my email – if it’s time critical from someone I know, they can pick up the phone, and if it is time critical, email is usually not the way to ensure someone will actually look at and see it in a quite timely manner). So, yeah, between (most likely) work, oncall, and other stuff, was rather stressed/headachey lateish Thursday … and again on Friday – at least much of it. And, … my favorite “treatment” for headache (certainly at least stress headache)? … Sleep. Okay, can’t always be practically applied all the time, but … as feasible, … so, … late(r) Friday night, but probably quite a bit earlier than I otherwise typically would, … oh, was roughly around 11 or 11:30 P.M. or so? … went to sleep, … to, … “of course”, only be rudely awoken by oncall gunk at one something in the A.M. – and that sucked up several hours – not to mention not easily getting back to sleep either. So, … later, more sleep (and again occasionally interrupted by oncall), … try to ease into my Saturday (or ease into it yet again, having such already interrupted multiple times) … eventually up and about, do some errands/chores, etc., anticipate/prepare for Saturday’s fun and … nope, that got nixed. Ah, more stress. Lather, rinse, repeat … more sleep, … more oncall interruptions. So, … yup, by then, rather/quite in a funk, … managed to pretty much “chase”/sleep the headache away, but by mid-Sunday, still in fairly cruddy mood. And … oncall strikes, … again, … and again, … bleh. Okay, I’m highly responsible on the oncall and handle it very well and responsibly and all – boss even quite repeatedly and consistently says it to me – handle it better, more thoroughly, completely, well, competently, etc., than anyone else on the team, and he never lacks confidence in my well handling whatever comes my way. Nevertheless, I’m glad (probably) nobody ever dies if something on oncall doesn’t get handled or handled just right or as well as feasible. And I think I can certainly see how excessive oncall impacts quality … pretty well documented too, e.g. alarm fatigue syndrome and the like. The mishandling of such (alarms / oncall) can have serious to grave consequences in some environments – e.g. critical care, nuclear plant operator, etc. Sometimes folks forget to adequately and properly consider and account for the human factor. Machines/software/etc. don’t (as much) get tired and burnt out, even if overworked, … not so for humans.

Work … and … not. So, yeah, sure, I can complain about the work (and oncall!), … but it’s not all that bad, … but maybe (probably) I’m relatively less enthralled with it lately. And the non-work stuff? Yeah, haven’t been as interested in much (of anything?) there. Okay, keep trying on the friend goop, but that mostly just repeatedly fails rather to quite miserably, so, yeah, that’s not exactly helping. Hmmm, so what am I inclined to do? Bury my nose lots more into work, … yeah, not a particularly good idea – besides, doesn’t “fix” anything (at least hardly), and at best is mostly just a bit of a distraction … more of a deferral of issues not (fully) addressed/solved.

More random goop ;-> … as long as I’m “rambling” anyway – okay, did at least already think of all these things a bit earlier – quite recently (and in many cases, also earlier too – sometimes many times) …

A “clearing of the air”. So, … that long distance relationship thingy … had a (particularly) good – but not easy “conversation” (communication) about two weeks ago. Good bit is it helped on some “clearing of the air” – got some stuff across (bi-directionally) that hadn’t (quite) been making it across. Great huh? Well, … good? Eh, … sure, cleared the air a fair bit, but … didn’t, doesn’t, and hasn’t really changed a thing – other than it happened to clear the air a bit. So, … that’s all still mostly quite highly “stuck” where it is – namely thousands of miles apart, and been that way for years, not probable to change any time particularly soon, and longer term remains an open question. Stress? I dunno, maybe reduces some, maybe increases some, or bit ‘o both most likely. I definitely tend to feel we’re more drifting apart, than together … if … if there’s any net movement there at all that can be particularly detected or measured – or even felt. Way too long apart and way too far apart definitely sucks big time, and continues to suck – definitely not recommended. Never would’ve exactly “chosen” it – kind’a happened by accident. Sure as heck would never attempt anything like that again, … no way. Heck, OkCupid – on setting search criteria … distance … I think the shortest distance it lets one specify is 25 miles, … I friggin’ find myself always wanting to crank that down to at least 15, if not 10, miles. If it’s too far to pretty conveniently and quickly (and even regularly) get together, … it’s … too far! The hell with virtual – I could live on the moon and do virtual (okay, there’d be a bit more latency, but other than that …). If nobody’s willing to “risk” being there in person, then they’re not really willing/able to really be there.

(not-so-)random dream … bah, … more like an unwanted and unwelcomed intrusion. So, … ex-friend … perhaps a hazard of sleeping a bit too much and/or at odd times and/or under stress, … whatever. So, … dream, … enter ex-friend into dream, … in dream her head was way messed up (but only about 1/10th as bad as reality), but – in dream – she both wanted me, and also hated my guts (without reason, of course, but nevertheless). Yeah, messed up dream – got a bit closer to her in dream (as in didn’t turn and run away), … and “of course”, it did not go well. Probably just my head/subconscious messing with me … or maybe just trying out “what would be the best case scenario on that” and ending up with “yeah, that still super sucks – and that was the best of possible outcomes”, or maybe head/ego on the lonely and relatively desparate side of things, just trying out a (cr*p) idea, and ending up with, “yeah, that super sucks big time.” Don’t know what the f*ck else she was doing in my head – rather not have her there at all, … but there were a couple incidents – one highly random – in the last few weeks or so, that brought her to mind (e.g. one involving a family member of hers). Anyway, not somethin’ I particularly want in my head … even subconscious, … be gone already.

Other random bit of another dream … semi-social bit of event on Sunday … dreampt about that ahead of time. In the dream, the venue had transformed, from a quite casual cafe, to a much more upscale restaurant – white tablecloths and all that. In dream I remember remarking something like, “Oh, this is a nice change” – all the while feeling even that much more uncomfortable there – as I’d quite expected and was anticipating and prepared for the much more casual cafe setting. Not sure what was up with that … maybe was just feeling that much more uncomfortable about (potentially) going. Went anyway. Felt awkward/uncomfortable – more so than “usual”/typical, wasn’t all that bad, certainly not intolerable, … but good? Eh.

“How are you?” “Fine, thanks, how are you?” a.k.a. I lied. Didn’t intend to. Its one of those cr*p things you’re taught as a kid. Someone asks, “How are you?”, you don’t tell them how you are, no, you say, “Fine, thanks, how are you?” Bah. Often too, it’s habit and/or psychological defense mechanism. Someone asks, you don’t want to share with that person how one’s really feeling, so one deflects – or outright lies … even quite unintentionally – reflex much more so than at all a conscious act. Still rather sucks. Sucks more so, e.g. Friday evening phone call, okay, so maybe only nascent friendship – if that? … but question came, something like, “How are you?”, and my response, the reflexive “Fine”, or something rather/quite like that, when that wasn’t a particularly accurate reflection of reality. Did catch myself on that … but … too late, I only really noticed it after the call, I was like, to myself, “Why the f*ck did I answer/respond like that?” It’s not like I couldn’t “afford”/risk to be more (or even quite) honest in the response. Sure, wasn’t a deliberate deception, but a deception none the less. A (much) more accurate response would’a been something more like: “Eh, bit stressed/bummed, been kind’a hard week, but looking forward to getting together Saturday.” … but no, didn’t manage to say anything quite like that … well, except possibly/probably about the getting together on Saturday. So, … sometimes defense mechanisms are useful, … and sometimes they just get in the way.

“He’s a really nice guy.” … friends (& possibly more), etc. I get a lot of the remark about – even to me … “really nice guy”, … always seems like there ought to be a “but …” added on there – like some something I just wasn’t or never got told, … but … there never is. At least I never hear or see it … well, with exceedingly rare exception (e.g. way back in high school, some girl I was getting along fine with and we’d been on some “dates” … and then she just lost interest in me, generally wouldn’t return my calls, etc. … I eventually found out from her what it was – she started makin’ nice with a guy that had a car … I didn’t yet, she just preferred a guy that could give her a ride to where she wanted to go, … gee, like I thought it might’a had something to do with me, but nope, not at all – and that’s (almost?) always the case when I do find out what that “but” is). Meanwhile, some often, even repeatedly and chronically, go for the jerks. Well, I refuse to be a jerk. If someone wants (subconsciously or otherwise) themselves and/or their lives to be screwed over by some jerk(s), they can find plenty of volunteers to assist them with that, but I won’t be among them.

Father, parents, etc. Mom’s a bit weird, … whatever, one doesn’t chose one’s parents. Father – haven’t heard from him in literally decades, he’s quite chosen to remove himself from family contacts. It’s not like I don’t try at all, … I just never hear back. Last we spoke was at his mom’s / my grandmother’s wake … and could barely be called a conversation. Prior to that? Slight trace of contact in the 1980s. Yeah, I think the very last time he ever initiated any contact with me, was in 1984. Parents divorced in 1972 … dad saw me and my sister semi-regularly for a while after that, … then it tapered off to nothing, … similar happened again a few years later, but tapered off even more rapidly. I’ve heard damn little of/from him since then. “Oh well”. So it goes, … some have it better – even lots better, … some worse, … even much worse. There definitely tend to be correlations though, … but not guarantees. Some folks I know in, e.g. early 20s with way messed up lives, generally way messed up upbringing. Some I know – e.g. comparing first cousins – helluva much better family situation – great loving parents, etc. … those kids, all quite highly successful and generally pretty happy in their lives, … compared to, e.g. me and my sibling, … certainly not exactly horrible, but not exactly so nice, smooth, and well adjusted (definitely some lumps and bumps and missing bits – at least along the way). So, yeah, … that stuff matters, but … it’s not like a life (or death) sentence. It’s significantly correlated, statistically, but far from absolute. I can’t really “blame” anything that did – or didn’t happen there. It’s not like the folks are or were at all “bad” – just human, with all their flaws too, just like anybody else. One excellent friend of mine (still miss him – he died years ago), long time ago pointed out to me how I was quite interested in beating my dad at chess – not that I (hardly) ever played my dad, but nevertheless a poignant observation – even all those years ago. It’s sort’a like I still want to do something to impress him. I don’t know why, though, … it’s not like I’d actually expect to win his attention or something like that. Been essentially ignored way, way to friggin’ long for that. No way to make up for that much lost time, … ever. Just far too much gone. But neither ought I to be “blaming” him or the like – even if I might – even if just subconsciously, sometimes feel even a bit so inclined. In any case, just is. Gotta just make my own way.

And … after getting all this “cruft” off my chest, perhaps (fairly) soon I get back to writing about some other stuff I had in mind to address (did – and still do – have at least one other topic in mind).

Anyway, … that was then, … by that Monday I felt pretty decent/”normal”(/average) again, but, alas, weekend was quite lost – and then off into another week of work. And so it goes (or went).

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2 Responses to “disappointment(s), (Emotional) roller coaster … bleh, clearing of the air, sucky dreams, “How are you?” “Fine thanks, how are you?” – and other lies, “He’s a really nice guy.”, Father/parents/upbringing/environment, and other miscellaneous (mostly) cruft”

  1. MichaelBerkeley Says:

    “How are you?” “Fine thanks, how are you?” Ugh, caught myself on that again the other day. Coworker asked, if not precisely, “How’s it going?” and I reflexively responded with “Good”, “Fine”, “Okay”, or “Pretty good.”, and an “And yourself?” Bleh, … that’s *not* how it was going, nor how I truly wanted to respond. I suppose I could have retracted and corrected my statement – but didn’t bother … that’d be yet even more awkward.

    I also find, when asking folks, one often likewise quite gets such a reflexive response – which may not at all accurately reflect how they’re really feeling.

    I do also, asking relatively similar, but in rather different ways, often gets *much* more genuine, accurate, and open/sharing responses. E.g. I may ask in manner such as, “How’s the world treating you?” or, “How goes life for you?” or something roughly like that. I think key bit is the phrasing being significantly different than the much more common phrases in such inquiries – such as the common “How are you?” and “How goes it?” – which tend to invoke much more reflexive, rather than much more genuine, responses.

    Then again, if folks are asking in the much more common forms, perhaps more so they’re mostly just being polite, but don’t *really* want to know how one is feeling. Sort of an equivalent of “I hope you’re feeling well, but I really don’t want to know.”, but in a much more “socially correct” and common delivery/response pattern.

  2. MichaelBerkeley Says:

    self, sibling(s), first cousins …
    first of all, “first cousins” – actually technically a subset of that, I was thinking children of sibling of parent – only one of those, and with 3 children. Another stat on that, me and sibling, number having completed any college or university degree program: 0 of 2. The aforementioned “first cousins”: 2 of 3 with 4 year (B.A. or B.S.) or better degrees, and all quite to highly successful in their careers and/or marriages (e.g. happy, married to quite to highly successful, etc.). Compared to me and sibling, me, career stuff been pretty good, though relatively slow and somewhat rocky “start” (for like a decade after not graduating college), still/again single, not exactly by choice and certainly not happy with it, sibling, married with kids, but been pretty rough and not all that happy with it (a lot of repeated struggles, major and repeated stresses, etc.). So, sure, maybe small number statistics, but that home/parenting – e.g. parents in and remained in wonderful loving relatoinship, vs. bad marriage, divorce, remarriage with another and another divorce, many years as latch-key kids with working mom, not exactly a life-or-death sentence, but doesn’t seem to work out nearly as well.

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