Seeking … friendships / “relationship” … and all that jazz, etc.

So … whole bunch of thoughts/topics in my head. In not necessarily any particularly order (and not necessarily a whole lot of detail) …

[Sorry, I know the writing style (or lack thereof) on this horribly sucks. Perhaps try to bear with it, or try back later. No promises, but I say it does have noteworthy content – if one can manage to make it through it. I may do a major rewrite of this – notably to make it a helluva lot more readable (though with same basic content/information/points/etc.).]

OkCupid and successes/failures, trying, and “try harder” (or not)?, etc. Try more, try harder, try better, more effectively, and smarter. Don’t be desperate. Don’t push/try when the mood/attitude isn’t “right”, or sufficiently so – it’ll show – or at least “leak” – and (mostly) generally muck things up (or at least generally make them a lot less fruitful/productive/useful/efficient – which generally just further mucks up the mood/attitude). So, on trying harder – do it more efficiently – shorter, faster, more folks, “wider net” … not at all indiscriminately (well, rather to quite little of that, anyway) – reasonably targeted to reasonable possibilities/probabilities. Don’t over-analyze. If it’s reasonably probable, probably worth a shot (e.g. message the person) … but … don’t sweat it. It’s still a “numbers game” … though it’s not a game at all. Why? Why try, why try hard, harder, etc.? Sure, I’d like some good results there (have pretty close to zero thus far … maybe some possibilities, but very few … okay, if it’s like elementary school teacher taught me (which may not be precisely correct), “couple is two” (yes, generally), “few is three” (uhm, well, whatever). In any case, thus far, I think we’re definitely talking less than 3 reasonable possibilities (e.g. someone I’ve actually met, and it hasn’t turned into a failure or a likely nothing going nowhere (if we meet and they repeatedly don’t return email/calls/messages or otherwise get back to me at all, I figure they’re just not interested (enough) and I should pretty much write it off (at least highly improbable and not worth my bothering to pursue)). So, … why, … why, why, why?!? Good for me – I do better with good friendships and good active friendships (hardly ever talk or see each other might count, … but not for so much – especially when one wants (or even needs) quite a bit more. Too many “friends” I can talk with way less than 2 hrs. total per month, and probably only twice a month or so, tops … they just don’t have the time for me (whatever, things change in people’s lives)). So, … yeah, … I sure want more … some damn good friend(s) would be at least an excellent start (maybe even “enough”). So, why else? … why, … why, why, why?!? Good for them! Yup, I make for excellent friend (or, potentially more, given suitable compatibility, etc.). Of course, … darn few (okay, exceedingly few know we well enough to really know me all that well as a person. Sure, some know fair bit of general character, interests, likes/dislikes, some wee bits like that, but damn few know much more than that … e.g. what makes me “tick” why I am as I am, how I got there, what I think about a whole lot of different stuff, etc., etc. Most don’t really have much of a clue. Anyway, … fine catch I make for some very lucky few … but alas … sometimes folks get busy with other stuff in their lives, or things happen, or they’re looking for Relationship (as in capital R Relationship) and we may not be or aren’t that compatible, or not quite what they’re looking for, or they want to explore other possibilities(/persons) or whatever. So, … some “excellent” friends – or at least certainly have had, … but stuff happens, … people die, … they move away, they get engaged/married, go to school, etc. – whatever, happens. “Quite the catch”? Yeah, I think those I have been (or could (almost) argue am in) a relationship with would rate me quite highly. Me, been “dumped”? Sure. But that’s (usually? always thus far?) – we’re just not that compatible (interests/tastes/personalities/styles/goals/etc.) just don’t line up sufficiently compatibly, or some kind of logistics, practical matter, timing, or the like gets in the way and “makes” it not work, or be infeasible – (the “dating” / relationship “chronicles”? … well, sort’a kind’a roughly so, at least bit mostly by examples) e.g. they’re not sure if they want kids or not, I don’t, they decide they do, I still don’t, they wanna get married and live happily ever after (with us having kids), I’m not so sure about it or that it’s going “that great” or even “sufficiently well”, they get tired of waiting for a proposal or the like, and bail, I (when they bailed) felt great – one of those “subtle” indicators that the relationship was not going well. (continued, approximate chronological examples …) I have friggin’ delightful communications/conversations with someone (before being out of an existing relationship) … and I wonder – what the heck is working “so right” – or at least seemingly so, in those communications, that I’m so attracted to / craving that, that’s “missing”? – or not working so well in existing relationship. Couldn’t put my finger on it. Well, that “existing relationship” went away (she bailed, as noted) … and then … those delightful communications … chatted on-line – for hours on end … then straight after that, by phone, for hours, … then she suggests, “why don’t you come on over?” – I did … it was already late afternoon or early evening by then, … we continued our conversation … until like about 2am or so – until she literally fell asleep as we were talking. Yeah, … that was friggin’ great – the communication and conversation was going great there. But too, … that was probably an at least somewhat rather unusual circumstance. What I figured out relatively shortly in retrospect, is how the communication in that preceding relationship was royally screwed up – not like it was anyone’s fault in particular, we were just a very bad fit, and it was not working at all satisfactorilly for me (though it was fine for her as far as she was concerned, but in any case, it was messed up and the dynamics were not going well – and not sufficiently “fixable” – or frankly, not worth fixing in that case (as if that were the “only” serious problem)). So, yeah, unusual circumstances – relatively anyway – coming out of that relationship – had been first “serious” relationship – and a “long term” one (covered fair number of years) … but alas, live and learn. So, … “next” one – yes, she and I talked great – friggin’ fantastic … thus far best communication I’ve ever had in any relationship! It was fabulous. But alas, it didn’t last. Circumstances/logistics/etc. She was already in a relationship – which I perceived as rather/quite troubled/problematic – perhaps a somewhat/rather distorted perspective … as she’d tell me more-or-less anything and everything that was problematic or not going well in their relationship … I suppose, too, I heard some of the good bits, … but not nearly as or so much. In any case, she gets busy and majorly stressed, closes in the ranks, and finds herself effectively having to choose – the “known” quantity – with it’s flaws, or the “exciting new” – seemingly – wonderful relationship – but the quite unknown (we’d not known each other all that long) … she went with the known quantity – so I was out. Later (and also before then), we were most excellent of friends. Even still are “friends”, but, alas, as time passes, I hear from her with greatly increasing rarity – so … though I consider her quite a friend, … in terms of a particularly viable healthy friendship … well, there ain’t much in it for me – not uncommon that it goes a year or more that I don’t hear from her. Then I do, and we’ll visit – have great time and conversations, she also immensely enjoying herself. And then … nothing. So, yeah, nice when it happens, but far too fleetingly rare. Since then / after that? Had a good friend … once upon a time, … she was going through rather a crisis of sorts – mostly just needed a friendly shoulder/ear – had been through some major sh*t in her life, and some of it quite recently, … so … we hung out together, … spent lots of time together, became very good friends (were already friends some years prior to that). And then, … well, not a horrible thing, but … we probably got closer than we should have. A “relationship” – of sorts, … at least, well, start to finish, over a few months – if it was even that long. We just sort’a got too close, were attracted to each other, and, well, … rather complicated a good friendship. Fine friends, but we just weren’t that compatible, … so, … as a “relationship” it was doomed to failure, and, in fairly quick order, it did in fact fail. Yes, were quite good friends again after that (after bit of a “breather” period between), but never again a “relationship” … I think that probably never would’ve even happened if we’d both really thought long and hard about it up front. “Oh well.” – live and learn. So, … that friendship. Fabulous great friendship, right? Well, … not bad, … mostly pretty good to okay or so, but alas, … quite lost that friend too. (usually when someone’s head is so messed up that they’re making credible threats to kill you, it means the friendship is dead). Other relationships? How about long distance? Met online, … I asked where she was located, she told me, I (virtually, on-line), more-or-less shrieked, and dove under a rock. Too bloody far away. Well, … for better or worse, she didn’t let me get away that easily. Anyway, some while later, she came out here, we met in person – we’d communicated a lot online prior to that, over some year(s) or more. Anyway, in person, we hit it off great … things generally continued to develop … but … still, with her there, and me here … sometimes rather to quite extended long visits, … but … usually not, … and still not living in the same place, … or even close. Get along great, love each other lots, … but … takes more than just love to make a relationship work great. So, … who knows where that one will/won’t go or end up. It ain’t over yet. Other bits? Oh, … certainly tried, … maybe not sufficiently long and/or hard, but there’d been some others along the way, but none as “involved” or serious as any of the aforementioned. In any case, in at least almost all cases, “she”, was always quite interested in me. So, … “quite the catch”? … well, sure, in many regards, … depends too what one’s after and what’s important in friendship and/or relationship – not a fit for everyone and everything, of course. But, … with a compatible match, and those that ever got to know me rather to quite well (and even some who never even got to know me that well), generally they were quite interested in me (and sure, too, in some cases I “dumped” them … needs to be a good bidirectional match to work – unilateral matches just don’t cut it).

And so it goes, … onto … OkCupid (etc.?) “diaries”/chronicles? Well, I’ve intentionally not given a whole lot of (e.g. personally identifiable) details in the preceding … nor do I at all intend to! So, … continuing a wee bit regarding OkCupid etc. and/or some other bits … Well, for starters, I’m kind’a tired of – “relationship-wise” having my life “on hold”. The long-distance thingy … maybe it works out, maybe it doesn’t. I can’t wait forever … not to say it’s “her” “fault” (or mine … there’s enough finger pointing that could be done and spread around … I’m not gonna go into specifics/details here). If nothing else, definitely have a “friendship gap” to fill – ended up with friends, even “good friends” that, … well, small number of ’em, and generally quite to highly/exceedingly unavailable to me. So, … not a whole lot of an “active” friendship there, … like, … well, fairly close to zero (okay, add up the very small slices of occasional time across those various friendships, and it’s significantly more than zero, … but, … still, … a helluva lot closer to zero, than even to one). So, … friendship thing to build up / fill back in again … probably should’ve done a lot more there earlier, but, … well, is what it is. And, … Relationship? Maybe? Rather an at least somewhat/partially open question. Don’t know where things will necessarily go. The long distance thing isn’t “over” or given up on or ended, … but … it’s been over four friggin’ years since we’ve so much as been in the same place at the same time. Might be debatable to at least some if that can even be called a “Relationship” (I’d probably say yes – at least some kind of “relationship”, of sorts, but … “seeing someone”? – hardly counts as that :-/). So, … as for other relationship(s) or potential thereof – that may well mean, … at least “for now” or thus far … there are places that ain’t gonna go … might change, … but … that’s probably how it is, … at least for now. And, … how goes the “success” on that relationship/friendship front from OkCupid, etc.? Eh, … met very few people. Really need to meet a lot more – and compatible people. Even wonderful relationship thingy would be great … but … need friend(s) too (and preferably more than only a single friend – sometimes stuff happens and folks just aren’t available, … or they die, or whatever … life – stuff happens) … anyway, would be good to have some good and available friends – yes plural … and something at least partially approximating a relationship? Sure, … that’d be good too. So, … how many have I met, how has that gone? Some exceptions – or at least potential exceptions, but, generally speaking, few, and poorly. Met one on OkCupid, first meeting went great. Met a second time – it essentially flopped. Never met again. Maybe not that compatible, or she’s not that interested, or whatever, … in any case, it ain’t happening. (and sure, she hardly knows me at all, but whatever). Met a 2nd person on OkCupid, flopped at first meeting – not sufficiently compatible (I thought that rather likely was the case before we met, but she was very interested in meeting me … not long into meeting, she also concluded we weren’t a good match). I should probably – at least generally – “insist” we at least manage to talk a fair while – and enjoyably – on phone first, … if we can’t manage that, it’s probably (almost certainly … like … over 98% probability?) gonna flop face-to-face. Efficiency, etc. – probably should talk like that by phone first – save all the time, etc. of meeting face-to-face if that’s almost certainly going to flop anyway. So, … that was 2nd I’d met. 3rd … had a great first meeting. Had a great second meeting. Were in the process of lining up a 3rd meeting and … it never happened. Maybe there’s yet possibility there, but it’s been a fair while now. Our last communication – I called her, she was like, “I’ve been very busy, can I call you back?” … and … nothing – at least thus far. Quite possible she is very busy, and understandably so … whatever the heck it is, though, I’m shut out and left out – maybe even understandably so … but seems increasingly improbable as time elapses. Maybe it’s just an excuse, or maybe she’s just not that interested. And yeah, she barely knows me – hardly even scratched the surface. Whatever. And … 4th I met (and she’ll probably even read this ;-)) – regardless, stating it as it is … quite a lot of communication up front before meeting – didn’t exactly delve into super deep stuff, but, … definitely bandied such topics/questions about significantly – anyway, good/excellent exchange before meeting, … met, in fact 3 times in rather close succession, … I’d say it went somewhere between rather and quite well … at least generally speaking. “But” she’s got lots going on in her life (at least relatively speaking), and that did start out quite a bit fast – in at least some ways, … even if, to a large extent, … we haven’t really delved all that much in depth, or detail, into “heavier” and/or more serious/”meaty” topics/discussions/questions, etc. So, … guestimating that we sort’a kind’a have a “feel” for each other – in terms of sort of roughly “knowing” – or thinking we (kind’a) know the other person … but … at the same time, I don’t think we particularly know each other all that well at all … sure, maybe some general characteristics, tendencies, personality, some history and other attributes, but … really don’t know each other all that well yet … though … I think I’d like to know her much better – and her me, … but we shall see. No idea where it may go – if (hardly?) anywhere, … or at what kind’a pace. Maybe at least some great friendship potential there? One can hope, anyway. Maybe even potential for (wee bit) more? Not even gonna try and speculate yet – “insufficient data” – at least to reasonably guess, anyway. Nice, fun, interesting, intriguing, at least. Other random bit … a female acquaintance of mine (I wouldn’t call her “friend” – I might be a friend of hers, but she’s really not able/capable of being a friend to me – she just does not have it that together). Anyway, … she and I … best I not be particularly involved there. Not that she and I’ve ever gotten “that” close, but … there’s at least wee bit of temptation there. Sometimes I just get friggin’ lonely and want to talk with someone – and something too about actually wanting to be physically close … not necessarily at all like naked and crawling all over each other or anything like that, but geez, … like even within arm’s reach or so. I dunno, just seems rather/quite alienating to not be able to get at least about that close – or be with/around someone that’s actually quite willing to get (at least) that close … not that that’s all that close, but … I don’t know … maybe some psychological (or evolved in) thing – that someone is accepting enough to at least let one get, and at least remain for a while, “that close” (like within about a foot or two) Perhaps very closely related to, or just another part of the touch / physical contact I mentioned on my blog entry on being human. Spent about an hour (or two) talking with her (okay, she did the vast majority of the talking – I’m just not that comfortable with sharing much with her) not long ago (she, and I, alone, her place) – first time in quite a while I’d so much as talked with her anywhere near that long. Not exactly a horrible thing, but … it’s really just not gonna go anywhere … too messed up, not even reasonably viable for a friendship for me. Bleh. I should avoid “being”/feeling that “desparate”. Ugh, … yuck. Anything sort’a similar happen before with “relationships”? Yeah, … kind’a more-or-less … well, on the “not a match” regard, anyway. Definitely had some instances where a particular she was much more interested in me, than I in her. And, well, things kind’a more-or-less went along, … to a point. If I’m not that comfortable or interested in someone, things only go so far … then they stop there – maybe think of it as a holding point or check point? I dunno, … in any case, if I’m not sufficiently comfortable with and “into” them, things stop “there” – for some particular “there” … if I never get that comfortable with them and “into” them, … well, then things never get past “there”, and typically they’ll lose interest relatively quickly – if I don’t quite back out of the “relationship” (if one could even call it that?) first. Anyway, just sayin’, sometimes there’s the “that’s plenty far enough” point – and things “stop” (or hold) there.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch. Er, uh, … okay, no ranch, but … So, … I shouldn’t particularly limit my options. Uhm, that does not mean (for me, anyway) being promiscuous, or “poly” or even anything relatively close. Mostly means I shouldn’t cut off and eliminate options/possibilities before they’re even reasonably known. I.e. I should probably keep looking for (at least) additional good friends – at least to the point where that is or would be bordering on “too much” – if it’s more than I can handle, or too little of me to spread around such that I can’t be (quite) good friend to them … but … short of that, I “need” more good friends in my life. Zero is way too low a number of known active good friends to have – not good for me … or them. “Need”? Certainly very much want. Not like I couldn’t live without (heck, sure as heck have for the most part for quite a while now – at least several years or more, at least for the most part), but “need” … well, rather like (among other things), also, a “psychological need” – yet, not (quite) a necessity, … nevertheless, much more important than a (mere) “nice to have”.

Okay, … so … I started this blog entry with a bunch of items in mind, … but, alas, mostly wrote around roughly one central theme … so, … the earlier draft title adjusted accordingly, and … probably get to those other bits … sooner or later, … well, intend to, anyway, … we’ll see. (time, priorities, …)

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