Me, *like* to blog? No, not really.

Thought I’d mention it – or at least attempt to do so, and relatively concisely. I’ve probably mentioned at least once before, if not more than that … maybe on this blog, maybe elsewhere/elsehow – I don’t recall exactly, off-the-top-of-my head.  Somehow it kind’a sticks with me though – how could I possibly have been so misunderstood? … and/or, maybe I (also) just didn’t say/communicate it broadly (or loudly?) enough.

Anyway, has come up, at least once – probably more than that.  Some kind of response or comment or the like, of “You like to blog.”, “You like to write.”, “You enjoy writing.”, or some comment(s)/statement(s) along those lines. If I said “couldn’t be further from the truth”, that might be a slight exaggeration … but only slight.  Much more apt descriptor would be “communication means of last resort” – or at least nearly so.  Analogies suck, but … were I locked a million miles away in some isolated prison cell or the like.  No human contact or interaction at all whatsoever … except … allowed to blog.  I’d probably blog some.  Yes, analogies suck ‘n all that, but … in a lot of ways, that “is” – or almost is quite how I feel.  Very isolated away – put/pushed away, disincluded, unallowed (or unable) to “connect”, to have a any real “connected” conversation – on anything that truly matters to me or that I quite feel, or hardly that at all, so, … I blog.  Worse communication than blogging?  Have resorted to the international pen pal thing … haven’t done that in a year or so, but, yeah, I guess that’s a hair worse than blogging – much higher latencies – typically week(s) to months in turn-around time on communications – even more non-intractive and much further from “realtime” communications than blogging.

So, before I ramble too much again.  Blogging, yes, communication means of (about) last resort.  But like to blog?  No, not really or especially, though I do choose to.  “Choose to”, for lack of any better alternatives available to me.  Maybe I even push myself to blog – to avoid being even that much further isolated/disconnected/unheard.  What I’d really like, and oh so very much long for, is a conversation – a good, well connected conversation, and in person even.  Egad, haven’t had that in … well in excess of five years – and even then, was far too seldom and mostly not so available (relatively rarely together would quite limit that).

So, for lack of better, I blog.  Yes, I do choose to do so; but not because I like to do so or enjoy it.  Closer to necessity or, at least in part, “survival”.  Not because it’s “fun” – it’s not for me.  Nor because I “enjoy” it – as I mostly quite don’t.  It’s hard for me.  Not sure exactly sure why, but probably combination of – the writing is quite hard/difficult for me – helluva lot harder and more time consuming than having a conversation.  E.g. some weeks back, was drafting something for blog.  Spent about 3 or 4 hours on it … about 1,400 words, only covered about 25% – if that, of what I wanted to attempt to communicate at that time, and that much that I’d written was quite a disorganized mess.  Would probably have to put 24 to 48 hours of writing and time into it, to reasonably address what I wished to communicate and … would probably have to make it end up more like 2,000 words – or even much less – far too many words it was becoming, for that which I was wanting to attempt to communicate.  So, yes, the writing, can be very hard for me, and quite the resource/time burn.  And also, I really want interactive – and blog is barely that – surely nowhere near realtime, like “chat” or the like.  And I really want face-to-face; blog certainly is not that.  So, despite that, and for lack of having better to me available, I thus blog.

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