Moral imperative?

So, over the past few weeks or so, there’s one bit of a line of thinking I’ve mostly found at least fairly helpful.  Call it “moral imperative” – for lack of better descriptor.  So, okay (well, not okay, but be that as it may), been mostly been feeling pretty cruddy for past yearish+ or so.  And, yeah, sure, want to get/do/be/feel better, certainly.  But have, at least for the most part, felt relatively “stuck” there – need to extricate myself from so being.  Motivation?  Well, perhaps call it a character flaw – or not, but (far too?) often – certainly much of the time, it’s pretty darn easy, and often the case, for me to care more about other(s) than I do about myself, and to treat other(s) better than I treat myself.  Okay, whatever.  But, … “moral imperative”?  Where’s that come in?  Well, bit of practical application of the above, and some fairly simple logic.  Of course how I feel and am doing and such certainly impacts me.  But not so much and not only me.  Impacts others too.  How I do/don’t interact, what I can/”can’t” do for them and are or may be up for – or not – capacity/capability and all that.  So, yes, how I’m feeling does impact, or at least potentially impact others.  And in ways similar, that inaction is a type of action – a choice, e.g. a failure to act, or a choosing to not act.  Anyway, as and to the extent I mostly/quite feel like crud, that’s got negative impacts beyond just me, so it’s not just me it hurts.  Even if it might or could be the case that it “hurts” no one else – at least directly, it negatively impacts what I can/could do, how I interact, etc., so, e.g. less able or unable to help someone else, whereas I might otherwise quite be able to so so.  So, in that regard, it’s not a good thing.  I should do better, if not for me, at least for others, notably I need to feel and do better – even if not for me – even if I don’t care for/about me.  “Moral imperative.”  So, yeah, thinking of/about that, and reminding myself, gives me at least a bit more motivation to get/be/do better – sort of a bit more needling(/poking/prodding) to get myself into better shape.

So, yeah, does help – at least somewhat, to keep that in mind.  Backslidnig?  Yeah, more recently, feel like I’ve been slipping back at least a bit again; and that rather/quite sucks.  I guess the “good” news is I’m quite uncomfortable with that, and it does not sit well with me.  So, yeah, highly unsatisfied with that, quite intolerant of it even, not gonna “accept” it – at least certainly not without some kind’a “fight”, anyway.  So, yep, hard.  And hard to hang onto that “moral imperative” too.  Too much “negative think” – e.g.: “What the hell, who cares anyway.  Pretty much useless to anyone and everyone, or nobody cares anyway.  Hell, much as I try to help, avail myself, make myself useful, go way the hell out’a my way to, e.g. help good friend(s) – or try to, that’s barely used or taken advantage of anyway, so, quite useless and without value anyway, eh?” – Yeah, need to get my head out’a thinkin’ that or anything too close to it.  Need to think more in terms of possibilities and capabilities, etc.  Never really know for sure what might happen.  And, if I’m not up to the task, or not nearly as much as I should, ought to be, or am capable of, … well, that’s a bad thing.  So, yeah, “moral imperative”.  Need to work harder … uhm, not necessarily so, … need to work  more effectively at being/doing better.  “Be the best person I can be.” – need to do a lot better on that.  Mostly feelin’ like crud certainly significantly impairs me from “being the best person I can be”, so, yeah, … need to “fix” that.  Still really have damn near zero idea as to particularly how, but, need to keep working on that, and more effectively.  Need more (positive) results/progress, less of banging head into wall – particularly same ways, repeatedly, and yet harder for same (lack of) results.

And I’ve got a responsibility too, not to be a drag/drain/bummer/etc. to others.  And the “answer” to that is not me removing myself from others, disconnecting, isolating, “disappearing” or the like.  No, that’s would be like mostly going from a negative to a nothing.  I need to be a positive.  A boon, a benefit, an assset, a resource.  Not a nothing.  So, yeah, … need to work on that.  And not all that simple – have to balance practical realities too, but regardless, need to do and be better.

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