Not better? Better? ???

So, how am I doing now?  Better yet?  Or at least as much better as I was recently doing?  Or not as good as that, but not as bad as it generally was prior to that?  Or at or mostly where things were prior to that?

Well, too early to yet say for sure.  I’d guestimate not so well as that recent earlier better.  Closer to back to where things generally were before that … but … not slid back down (quite?) that far.  I dunno, two steps forward, one back, … something roughly like that?  If even baby steps.  At least it’s still at least some bit of something.

I guess the good news is things are changing.  Me being dissatisfied with how things have been, and continuing to be highly dissatisfied with it is a good thing.  Yeah, it friggin’ hurts, is very uncomfortable, no fun, blah, blah, blah.  But that gives me hella motivation to “fix” it and extricate myself from that mess and/or otherwise (significantly) improve that/my situation.  Even if I don’t yet know how or even have particular idea how.  Being dissatisfied and not accepting what quite sucks is a good thing.  So, how goes all that?  Well …

Changes are afoot.  Okay, not really sure what changes, but more recently, I’ve been doin’ more poking, prodding, trying, shifting, changing, adjusting, “experimenting”, … whatever.  If the same sucks, well, try not to keep doing the same – even if not sure how to change it or what would make it better, just try something.  Almost anything (desperation?  Well, don’t be stupid about it.).  So, some stuff/changes will make things better, some will make it worse, many won’t make it better or worse – or significantly so, or may be relatively equal mix of both.  And may not be easy to tell – not necessarily easy at all.  Sometimes it takes time, and/or interacts in different ways with other stuff going on and/or being tried.  There are also history/hysteresis effects.  E.g. how it does/doesn’t work and how well, may depend not only upon what’s tried and how, but what was/wasn’t tried before, and how.  So, it can be mighty complex, and not at all trivial so sort out – let along come close to optimizing.  But regardless, “trying stuff”.  Some of it only wee bits.  Some stuff at least moderately more significant.  And, … results?  Way way way too early to tell.  But hey, it’s sure worth trying, and there will “of course” be some results.  And of course much learning to determine what does/doesn’t work, and how, and under what circumstances/conditions.  So, “try stuff”.  And (mostly) keep trying.  And hopefully, overall, it generally improves – hopefully even significantly.  Yeah, sure, a lot of trial-and-error.  So what, it’s called learning, experience, and eventually wisdom.  Even if I can’t usefully apply it to anyone but me, that’s still significant – not only on impact to me, but secondary effects; e.g how it changes how I do/don’t interact with anyone and/or everyone around me.  I certainly can’t be my best to others when I myself and doing/feeling like crud – or generally mostly so.

So, … what am I doing/trying?  I’d rather not even attempt to detail presently.  Mostly just “various things”.  Try, dabble in, investigate, peek, poke, prod, experiment, etc.  Try, and see how it goes.  Hopefully eventually better.  But also, in the meantime, it’s at least something to do – and at least a bit better than merely filling in time.  There is only so much time, ’tis not an infinite resource – and certainly the case for me.  Tick, tick, tick.


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