What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I make friends, etc.? So much lack of connection, touch, etc.

<sigh>  Why’s it so damn hard?  So damn hard, that is, for me to make friends – let alone “more than friends”.  What am I doing wrong, and why will no one tell me?  It’s almost as if I’ve got some huge ugly unignorable disfigurement, scar, marks, and major discoloration and such across my face, but folks are “too polite” to tell me, and it’s completely invisible to me – I look, scrutinize, and can’t see it at all.  But like it’s not some appearance thing or the like(?) … but it’s me.  And hard, as in … not that it’s easy or trivial for me to try hard – sure, I can do that, and do do that.  No, hard as in results – or most notably quite major lack thereof.  That near total lack of results, … year after year, decade after decadethat – that is what is so damn hard!  Way too f*ckin’ isolated and alone, despite all my work and efforts to the contrary.  And yeah it f*ckin’ hurts.  Sort’a death by a thousand (or more like a million or more) papercuts.  Any one by itself, no big deal – nearly a nothing.  But the cumulative impact … yeah, that friggin’ hurts like hell.

Counseling, therapy, training – e.g. communications, etc.?  Done a fair bit ‘o that.  Sure as hell tried a lot.  Does it work, does it help, is it useful.  Yes and no. More knowledge, more tools, more techniques, more things to pay attention to and work on.  Do all that and … results?  Mostly just burn a whole lot more time/energy/resources for results that are … nearly the same, if not indistinguishable.  It’s not like all that doesn’t help.  Probably most usefully makes me fair bit more optimistic, and the quite sucky results more bearable/tolerable.  And more knowledge/tools and the like.  But, other than that?  Can’t really say it helps.

Years of OkCupid now … haven’t even made it up to holding hands – let alone so much as a single kiss, … sex?  Yeah, right – I’ll keep dreaming – gotta have some hope, anyway.  Haven’t even had so much as a “date” or even casual meeting of such potential, at all thus far this year – not a one.  Sex, touch, … yeah, been highly sucky (essentially no) results in that department.  Not much of anything, and for far too long – with little exception.  A dang hug once in a while would be good – but far too rare I even get that.  Yeah, the stats are depressingly bleak.  Hmmmm, like sex, as in actually have intercourse – to be that close?  In about the last 15 years, that’s only happened with one person for one brief period (much less than a span of a month).  And even that wasn’t some “hot new romance”.  No.  It was an “old fling” … go figure … after more than two decades she “suddenly” became very interested in me again – out of the blue.  Suffice it to say it didn’t work … again – only lasted about half as long as it did that over two decades earlier.  (And not to say in that case anything wrong with “me”, or “her”, more just a matter of not the right “fit” – at least the more recent time around.)  15 years?  Yeah, about that long.  Not sure precisely on how long.  It’s not like that time I had sex some approximately 15 years ago I marked the date, thinking “Ah, yeah, might not do that again for another 10 or 15 years or more.”  No, not at all, didn’t think anything all that highly exceptional about it at the time – like it wouldn’t happen again, with her, or someone else, and relatively soon again – certainly not decade(s), probably not even year(s) … more like month(s) or so … or so I thought.

So, what is it, why is it not working?  I do manage to have / strike up “casual” conversations.  Not that I’m particularly or especially adept at it, but I manage that, and rather to quite well enough.  But far too damn friggin’ rare that I manage to find myself much – if at all – beyond that.  Certainly not like I don’t try – even try like hell.  Sure as heck try to be – and am – helpful, useful, supportive, etc.  Make myself quite available.  Make contact efforts, relatively freely offer or give my contact information and opportunity to continue/build the communication/dialog/contact and … nothing.  I just don’t hear back – or that’s most always the case.  Or, if not that, I do, … for a while, and … it drops off to nothing … nothing but “excuses” and avoidance, anyway.

Aim higher?  Aim lower?  Aimless?  Try harder?  Try not so hard?  Be yourself.  Be truthful.  I am.  Lie, don’t be truthful or so truthful – huh?  Screw that latter advice.  ‘Tis not me, and doesn’t work for me – never much tried, and generally quite suck at lying and never been effective at it – with little exception (lying to protect someone – that I can do, and sometimes do, when there are significant/strong moral/ethical reasons to do so – but even then I highly prefer not to lie, and will more often, and as much as feasible, simply just not say, or deflect, rather than lie).  Attitude and expectations do matter.  “But”, hasn’t made much difference at all – at least in terms of “results”.  Mostly just makes the non-results more bearable.  Aim higher/lower, try harder / not so hard?  All seems to have made negligible difference.  Aimless?  Yeah, goal(s), passion(s) … more of that would be a good thing.

And it’s not like I don’t try – even try quite a bit, sometimes helluva lot.  Do put myself out there, interact with folks, converse, volunteer, work on building connections.  But all the same, results – mostly to entirely lacking.  Maybe it’s a numbers “game” … though definitely not a “game”.  Do try more, put myself out there more … does tip the odds more so in my favor – certainly compared to not being or putting myself out there at all.  It’s not like someone’s gonna dig me out of my “cave” and discover me – well, pretty darn unlikely anyway – certainly at least if I’m not “out there” at all, or otherwise “exposed”.  And, so, well, it does tend to be (mostly) quite, even very highly, draining after a while.  Especially in cumulative effect (or affect – English sucks).

Intermission – time to go stuff my face.  Not that I’m overweight (though might do with losing a few pounds and/or converting a few pounds to well toned muscle, or some of both).  Actually, I’m down roughly 10 to 15 lbs. or so from my “peak weight” – which also wasn’t exactly overweight, but could do with a bit of trimming or the like.  But it’s been about 45 hours since I ate hardly anything. so, time to take in some relatively decent sustenance.  Yeah, particularly when my mood is somewhat to rather or more down, I tend not to get hungry (or easily full/satiated).  Ah, 10 to 15 lbs.?  I really don’t know how much, precisely or more accurately – don’t own a scale, don’t presently have ready access to a scale.  And how’d I lose that what was then about 10 lbs. or so?  Yeah, feelin’ more-or-less like cr*p.  Highly sucky “diet” plan – but I won’t complain about the weight loss results.  Anyway, back from relatively nutritional (and caloric) sustenance – even a bit of fresh air and sunshine and out a bit (generally not bad things) … but already got some sunburn from yesterday (which was Saturday) … don’t really need to overdo that either.  And that time out today – yeah, hardly spoke a word to anyone – really nothing beyond a service transaction … and mostly except for same, nobody said a thing to me … sure, one person said thank you when I preemptively moved out of that person’s way, and some folks on the street hit me up for cash/change/cigarettes – but other than that, nobody said a word to me.  Sometimes I go days or more, without so much as a single word to or from anyone.  Anyway, back from “intermission” – body refueled with some adequate nutritional/caloric sustenance, but as for fueling the psyche, mind, or “soul” or what have you, heck, or anything approaching something as basic as human touch … yeah, still need to work on that … a lot … and/or grumble/gripe/vent about it a lot – not that that does much, but neither does working damn hard at it seem to do much either.

My what a rather poorly evolved species we are.  Connection, touch, so damn important to our well being, yet we manage to so separate ourselves from that.  Highly endemic in our so called “civilization” – really not all that civil at all.  Heck, most all species of animals generally do better at that than we humans do.

Well, attitude does matter.  Most notably for making the pain much more bearable … maybe even lessens it?  What do I do, try?  Not much left.  Mostly shot-in-the-dark.  Try some reaching out here ‘n there, … and wait, and see, … listen to the deafening long silence of no reply or response at all – as that’s generally the reaction I get.

And yes I know my writing is pretty sucky.  Can’t be especially bothered about it presently – really just don’t care that much; sorry, but is what it is.  I mean there’s one whole person on the planet I know that actually bothers to read my blogs.  Takes plenty of time/effort/resource as it is, just to write/blog what I do – trying to actually write it well, well, that would up the time/effort/resource burn by about a factor of 5 or so … I just don’t have it in me, or to spare. And no, I haven’t yet managed to write rather to quite well in an efficient manner.  So, … is what it is.  And even if I wrote it all splendidly well.  So what?  Maybe I’d have a hundred or two hundred or more people read my blogs.  So friggin’ what?  Still only one person I know at all reading any of this.  Besides, I’m looking for connection and understanding.  Not a blog audience.  Ah, yeah, but … “wrong” place to look.  Really generally ought not to expect to find that “here” – on blog, that is – at least generally.  Even all the reading I’ve done of the blogs of others, and copious commenting/feedback and the like.  Connections out of that?  Pretty darn negligible – and only people I’ve never met, and probably never would meet in person … heck, don’t think even a single such person living within 100 miles of me – probably not even within 1,000 miles.  And no, really not interested in long distance relationship or “pen pals” or the like … not that I don’t care or whatever, but have had my (over)fill of that – takes way too much time/effort/resource, and far too damn not connected.  Really mostly only “use” and resort to that when there’s nothing better at all for me … which … is far too often the case.

So, … what else do I do?  Fill time.  For lack of better, too often feels like I’m filling time ’till I die – not like I’m in any rush, or that would improve things, but,  haven’t been particularly passionate about much of anything.  So, … I do stuff like … besides work on (and moan and groan about) friendships and relationships (or more specifically lack thereof), pour my head/time/energy into work/professional stuff and quasi-related stuff.  Maybe because that’s all I’m competent at in my life?  Well, so I’m highly competent in it.  But, … satisfaction, “drive”, passion?  Naw, mostly missing.  Just something to less painfully fill in the void.  Okay, so I’m highly competent at being a friend … companion, supporter, lover, etc.  Lot ‘o folks do quite appreciate me.  But at becoming a friend – let alone more – now that, I seem to somehow highly suck at.  Why is that?

Well, enough “rambling” for now.  Time for me to shut up for a while.  Sometime I think I ought to just friggin’ give up, and (try to) accept it as it is – that I’m alone – very alone – and may always be that way.  Already past 50, never married, never cohabitated, had very few friends or relationships in my life, and have spent most of my life with that being rather to highly lacking.  Maybe I ought just “accept” that, and try and live on as some disconnected automaton.  Okay, maybe a relatively nice one, but one quite unconnected, and highly likely to remain so forever.


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3 Responses to “What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I make friends, etc.? So much lack of connection, touch, etc.”

  1. janeykate Says:

    You are wrong Michael, I read your blog too, so maybe there is more than just one person who actually reads your blog. And wrong about wordpress too, you can connect to people who read your blog, I know I have met a few lovely people this way. Ok, I accept that a lot of people ‘like’ post’s without even reading the content. I know why they do that, and its all about getting more traffic for there blog. That doesn’t really interest me, I write my blog because I want to, and I like connecting with people I wouldn’t meet in everyday life.
    I’m sure that there is nothing at all wrong with you btw! It’s awful to feel lonely, and in need of a hug. We have all been there at some point I’m sure.
    Jane x

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