my blogging – why? What’s best – time, priorities, trade-offs, my writing …

My blogging, “release”, sharing, writing, time, priorities.

like blogging, really quite do.  I get to write, and share.  And too, I get to be less redundant, as I can refer, or even link, back to what I wrote before.

All well and good?  The blogging that is?  Sort’a kind’a mostly … or at least approximately so(?).

Why, why do I like to and often quite enjoy blogging … even feel “compelled” to do so?  And is that a good thing, or … not so good, or some mix?

What about time and priorities, how much time ought (and/or ought not) I be putting into it?  Are there things I should be improving in/with it?  Like … optimizing nature and extent of time(/concern/thought) I put into it, or optimizing me out of it, and/or any and all influences and impacts I have on anyone (and “everyone”) else through my blogging, all for the greater good?  Yeah, a lot of “yes” answers there, but how exactly, and balanced how and to what extent with other relevant concerns?

Questioning is, comparatively, easy, answering, not necessarily so.  And coming to the correct answer or conclusion(s) can also, at least sometimes, be tricky, involved, or even quite complex.

Answers?  Well, thoughts at least.  And not in necessarily any particular order.

Why?  Why the blogging, what got me started, what keeps me going, what are my, at least main, motivations to blog?  It kind’a started as an outgrowth/extension of OkCupid, and my profile thereupon.  And also too, probably secondarily then – but probably primary now.  A place to express and be heard – maybe even potentially understood.  And perhaps even more critically – at least (far too) much of the time, a place, an “outlet” when I have no other, or nearly so.  Don’t have that relationship?  Check <cough> (buggers, but true).  What about close friend(s)?  Uhm, what about close friends I can really communicate well with – like sit down and have a long serious revealing conversation – where I’m comfortable with them, they supportive of me, well able to listen, and very capable and up to a lot of listening from me – at least a fair bit of the time or more-or-less when I “need” to?  Uhm, well, am very thankful for what I do have – have gained an excellent friend within the past year.  That’s good, … damned important even, and does help a lot.  But, said friend and I, being quite available to me to be able to sit down and have / listen to a long, and potentially rather/quite “deep” conversation like that?  Not gonna detail, but, not that I couldn’t, but it just ain’t gonna happen like that.  :-/  Nobody’s ‘fault’ at all, not in the least, just is how it is.  Analogies often suck, but, roughly – think of it like I wanna be able to do a firehose of communication.  Or, well, at least a full running garden hose.  Not like all the time, but at least fair bit of the time, or at least have that available/possible.  But, what can be done is more like moderate trickle.  Not to knock moderate trickle – as it does add up over time – even very substantially so.  But regardless, it is significantly limiting, and may always be the case there.  So, that still leaves me sort’a kind’a quite alone in a very substantial way.  And, for mostly lack of anywhere else, it gets “dumped”, spilled, revealed, exposed, shared – on blog.  Or really, more accurately, on blogs.  So, quite a bit goes “here”, this blog – “public”, but pseudo-anonymous.  So, I feel I can “reveal a lot” here, but too, there’s also lots I wouldn’t put here, or would be very anonymized/filtered in how I put it on here.  So, that’s a big chunk of “why” – a “release” – a way of communicating to someone(s) where that is or may be otherwise mostly or (almost?) entirely lacking.  Kind’a “it’s got no where else to go!”  Sad?  Maybe, but reality.  That’s not the only reason, but key among them.  Kind’a a “therapy”, “release”, sharing, rather/quite needed.  (Throw myself upon/at “the masses”?).  But there’s more to it than that.  Sometimes I just wanna share.  Good stuff, bad stuff, stuff I found interesting or observed, cool stuff, things of concern or interest to me, stuff I just feel like sharing – period.  Blogs?  Yes, more than one.  I’ve also much more highly restricted blog(s), which I use for communicating with/to or also with/to a very select set and number of persons, and much more privately and confidentially.  How many persons?  How close and well trusted, etc.?  Very to exceedingly close and well trusted?  How many?  Uh, think of it more like a theoretical set.  May be zero to, I think a theoretical max of about 3, in such set at any given point in time.  So, yeah, some separate private blog(s) for that, communicating to “them” and/or specific person(s) within.  So yeah, at least in (major? or at least significant) part, much of the blogging is that I don’t have that person I could simply talk with/to.  Haven’t really, in years or more now.  And, unfortunately, that’s been the case much more than not most of my (especially adult) life.  “Oh well” – is what it is.  Not like I’ve not tried to “fix” that.  Put a whole helluva lot of time and effort into that.  And, … well, … not all that much to show for it.  Friggin’ lonely planet of humans.  Billions of humans, and, well, way too many of ’em spending way to much of the time feeling (and “being”) that way.  And that sure as hell includes me – at least way too much of the time.  Okay, enough with the pity party cr*p – at least for now.  Even if I threw a pity party, likely nobody’d show up to it except me – hell, maybe even I wouldn’t bother to go to my own pity party – would be pretty sucky ‘party’ anyway, right?  Not that I ever was a ‘party animal’ or anything close, or even particularly keen on parties.  But, a pity party?  Bleh.

All well and good?  Time/priorities?  I think it’s mostly a good thing.  Sure, I’m human, I’m definitely not perfect – an intrinsic characteristic of being human, after all.  But, I think, not only does it generally help me, but more importantly, I think overall it’s a good thing.  Helps me.  Doesn’t really or particularly hurt anyone else (my blogging, that is), and (much?) more often than not helps (or at least entertains?) others, provides some “useful” – or at least (somewhat?) interesting stuff about me and/or other stuff, to read and consider, etc.  Not that it does all those things at once, or most commonly many or all – or even any of them.  But, on balance, probably (mostly?) a “good thing”.  And useful.  At least in parts.  And also thinking more generally too about the private blogging bits too.  Other(s), at least sometimes, find it quite useful/helpful – or even just informative and … illuminating?  Or something like that.  But, do still want to keep in mind, and pretty much at all times, whatever ‘flavor’ of blog, whenever, wherever, and to whatever audience – is it a good thing?  Am I doing it as I ought?  Yeah, sure, it won’t be perfect, definitely.  But on balance, a good thing?  And, any given bit I’m putting in, or thinking of putting in on blog, is or would that be a good thing?  Or ought I rather just leave it out – cover it elsewhere … somehow, sometime, if I ever get reasonably suitable and appropriate opportunity – just leave it off blog and “unsaid” until … well, … maybe forever.  And, … time/priorities.  Balance.  “Against” where/how I ought be spending my time, efforts, energies.  Is it the “right” balance?  More?  Less?  And/or … quite depends upon circumstances and timing?  I’m really not all that sure about that – particularly attempting to answer the “how much”, and what’s best/optimal in that regard.  So yeah, certainly at least at times – and given circumstances (notably lack of most any other “outlet”), I feel pretty darn … compelled to blog.  It even feels good – sometimes even damn good (hmm, conflict of interest or potential thereof?).  Yet, too, it’s hard.  Hard to “dump” / write out – especially the rather to quite personal.  Even harder doing it “out there to the world” – where I don’t even know who’s going to read it.  And, at least sometimes, quite harder too, on private blog – trying to determine what to “say”, reveal, ask, comment upon, etc. – and how – and “vs.” just letting it go or not touching upon it at all.

Time/priorities & my writing.  And my writing does kind’a rather suck.  I get that feedback, well, … uh, at least semi-regularly.  It tends to be, approximately, stream of consciousness.  Not exactly, but semi-close.  Usually things I’ve at least thought of writing about ahead of time, but typically haven’t “fully” formed in my head.  And often, as I write it, I’ll find it takes somewhat to quite different twists and turns.  Not uncommon that I find, as I write it, that what I really wanted to say – or “needed” to, was something a fair bit different than what I thought when I’d, typically, very roughly outlined in my head what I wanted to “say”/address.  And, it takes me too damn long!  The writing takes me quite a while – too long, to actually “crank” out and turn into a blog posting – likewise with most any of my longer writing (heck, even often with my shorter or even much shorter writing!).  Yeah, the idea(s) in head to typing it “all” out, that goes fairly fast.  Not nearly as fast as I could rattle it off my tongue had I someone to actually sit and tell it to.  But, at least roughly, we’re talking same order of magnitude.  So, not nearly as fast and efficient as talking, but, well, still at least not absurdly slow, “costly”, and inefficient.  But, … that’s mostly just the first rough pass.  Sort’a like a “first draft” – but not even up to that level of, uh, <cough> quality.  And then, I reread, and edit – fixing, adding, reading and tripping over my own writing (WTF did I write?  Let me attempt to read that sentence again and make sense of it.  Oh.  Yeah, that’s cr*p – need to rewrite it so it can be reasonably parsed and comprehended).  And of course, almost inevitably, it tends to grow longer and larger as I do so.  Not entirely a bad thing.  Often there are additional things/points I want to cover, further clarify, add, etc., so, that’s – in many regards, at least “okay”.  But, the overall bulk … not so good.  And the (dis)”organization” – uh, yeah, that leaves a lot to be desired.  A whole helluva lot.  Oddly, or perhaps at least somewhat surprisingly to me, some folks quite like my writing style – but I think, at least statistically, they’re quite the minority.  Most, … I dunno, don’t have the patience to wade through it all?  Not like I ought to expect most to have the level of time and attention needed to wade through it all and make (reasonable) sense of whatever I’d typically written.  So, yeah, multiple passes of rereading and editing and tweaking – takes much more time on my part – like increases the amount of time I end up putting into it by roughly about a factor of three.  And, unfortunately, for that 3x investment of time and energy, it doesn’t end up a whole helluva lot better than what I first typed out.  :-/  Mostly just spello/typo/braino fixes, edit fixes to make some bits less than hopelessly unparseable and way confusingly (typically run-on or poorly or improperly punctuated) horribly written.  So, yeah, 3x, and it doesn’t get all that much better.  And, going from (theoretical, at least) spoken, to (first) written, to even still rather crudely “edited” “final” writing/posting – adding that extra 3x in there, it’s then way hella lot less efficient and much much more time consuming than just having a conversation – or heck, even delivering an ad hoc speech.  I suppose, at least “public” (pseudo-anonymous) blog does, though, have the (relative) advantage of “reaching” – or at least potentially so – a lot more people.  And, on-line and all, can be linked, searched out, found/read (much) later, (re)discovered, etc.  So, it has those advantages too.

Opportunity?  Yeah, my writing sort’a kind’a mostly more-or-less sucks.  Once upon a time it was better (well, not in all regards, but many key regards) – certainly more efficient, both on my time, and that of any reader or potential reader.  So, maybe I ought look on it as an opportunity to also improve my writing – and efficiency thereof (both for myself, and those reading my writing).  I don’t know, though, sometimes I think it’s a (relatively) lost cause.  “You got it or you don’t.”  Like, I’ve darn near zero artistic talent.  I don’t think practice is the kind of thing that would (significantly) improve that.  Sometimes – often? – I think(/fear) similarly of my writing.  Geez, I’m already past 50.  In my lifetime I have written quite a bit – certainly at least in total, and in various forms.  Yeah, sure, some of it does improve – at least some modest bits over time.  But, really?  Sure there’s lots of room for improvement.  But will I, or will I even be able to improve my writing all that much?  Paint me skeptical.  Though, I ought at least try.  “Do or do not.  There is no try.” – Yoda.  Well, I think that’s a kind’a sucky quote, but there certainly is a point to it.  And, on the positive side, there are some things I can do to improve my writing, uh, “style” <cough, cough>.  So, yeah, probably best I keep those things in mind, and continue to work on ’em, … at least as feasible.  And, along with whole lot ‘o other stuff I best at least generally keep in mind.  All quite a balancing act – decisions, trade-offs, time, priorities, various and numerous considerations, and what is best – overall?


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