Looking forward to … it being over(!)

Odd random bit I noticed yesterday. And other stuff to look forward to (being over).

Have a bit of a social engagement – or at least potential thereof, coming up. Might happen, might not. Probably will, but never know for sure. Much as I actually do quite look forward to it, I find myself, oddly, more looking forward to it being done and past – and even whether or not it occurs, than the event/meeting itself. I find that strange, somehow. Not sure if that’s “typical” for me … I don’t think so, but maybe I’d not so much particularly noticed? I don’t know – I guess some anxiety or whatever in the mix, … e.g. will it occur, how will it go, lots I’d like to have happen, dear knows how it will actually go, maybe some “fear” or the like of how it will/won’t go, or if it will happen at all? Not really sure. Just struck me as odd, somehow, that much as I look forward to it, hope and anticipate it, … I found myself more looking forward to it being done and past – and whether it happens or not. Just feels a bit odd/strange on that somehow. Well, I guess once past, I don’t so much have to “worry” about how it did or didn’t go – or even whether or not it happened at all. I guess I’d feel quite different about it, were I much more comfortable with it … e.g. friend I felt quite comfortable with, got to see often – or at least anywhere near as frequently as I might wish, could talk quite freely and openly, and as much as I and/or friend wanted. Were that the case, I’d probably be much more looking forward to it and much less anxious about it, and I think I’d much more be looking forward to it happening, and much less (if at all) to it being done and over.

Other bit … my birthday. For my last birthday, really did nothing special. I’ve been working in the same place for years now, … never told the coworkers … they still don’t know when my birthday is. On my last birthday, coincidentally, I was meeting someone – someone I’d not met before. Never at all mentioned that it was my birthday – really quite treated it as any other day. Coincidentally, some many years ago, was also meeting someone I’d never met before on my birthday. Likewise, that person didn’t know it was my birthday – I’d never mentioned it … and … they stood me up. Never did meet that person, never did mention that it was my birthday. Anyway, last birthday, did nothing with any friends, … no friends did anything with me, or said ‘happy birthday’ to me – that’s generally been the case for many many years now. Heck, can’t remember any friend, or even approximation thereof, having been to any birthday of mine since … I think sometime back in high school – so over 30 years ago. Okay, so sometimes when I’ve been in relationship on my birthday, there was some bit of birthday celebration … but … when’s the last time I was in a relationship on my birthday, and we weren’t 1,000 or more miles apart and 1,000 or more miles apart on my birthday? Uhm, yeah, that’d be in excess of 20 years ago. Anyway, last birthday, at the time, only really had two friends that at all knew it was my birthday – both of which I’d been friends with for over 20 years, both of which know my birthday, both of which (with one single exception one year decades ago) have never so much as acknowledged my birthday, let alone wished me a happy birthday. And yeah, those two friends, I know their birthdays, and have always wished them a happy birthday on their birthday with only one relatively recent exception … over 20 friggin’ times over 20 friggin’ years, always wished them a happy birthday, always at least a card, if not quite more (e.g. quite nice – and expensive – dinner at place they quite wanted to go), and from them? Excepting only once, precisely nothing. Family? Oh, I got the (obligatory?) ‘happy birthday’ phone calls from two members of immediate family. They sent wee bit ‘o stuff too – at least the thought/sentiment is nice. Third member of immediate family? Yeah, … my dad. I always at least send him a card for his birthday, Christmas, and Father’s day – but he’s not made the least bit of effort – no card, phone call, or email – no contact at all – for over 28 years. Relationship? Well, at long distance, over 1,000 miles away, and hadn’t seen each other in over 4 years … some package, some phone call … nice sentiments, but … far too long far too far apart, and far too much time apart, and far too little time together. And that relationship “ended” not too long ago anyway. We’re still “friends” (though that’s a bit strained, at best) … but we’re still over 1,000 miles apart, and that will likely mostly if not entirely quite remain the case. So, … that was last birthday. What about next? Not too horribly far off in future. Plans for it? Do I want to make plans for it? Hurts, but ‘ya know, … I really rather don’t; if I can’t be with someone I want to be with, and someone who wants to be with me … hell, even just a friend – I really quite don’t. Big round number and all that, … one of those once-in-a-lifetime kind’a birthdays, … and really, can’t say there’s anyone I’d want to share that birthday with and that I know would want to and care to share it with me. Yeah, there’s family … whatever … but of the three immediate, one it’s absurdly unlikely I’ll even so much as hear from, the other two – one’s way far away, and is almost never out here or close to here to visit (like once in the last 15 years or so) … the other, eh, whatever, thoughts appreciated, but we’re not that close anyway – haven’t been since I was an early teen, or maybe even pre-teen. Besides, family – particularly family one is born into/with … that’s more like “obligation”/expectation. Feels different, and much better when someone actually chooses and wants to be with me. And I’ve really got no one there – nothing anywhere near that close, anyway. Way too damn alone and lonely. And I don’t know why. Hasn’t exactly been for lack of interest or effort. Just has not worked somehow. Do I keep screwing it up that badly, and have no clue as to how? Heck, been trying hard for over a year now to so much as gain a good friend. What have I got to show for it thus far? At best, an acquaintance … and much as I might like much more there, don’t know if that could or would even solidly make it into the “friend” zone, and unfortunately seems highly improbable for anything beyond that … if even that is is doable. So, yeah, 50th birthday. So far much more looking forward to that birthday being done and over – and forgotten – than at all looking forward to it. And yeah, it hurts.


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