dreams – as in asleep and dreaming (give or take)

So, some dreams – or at least portions thereof that I remembered. Make of it what you will. May be rather to quite “random” … and/or not. Who’s to say? … at least on some of them.

I did mention some other dreams before, if one wants to peek or review:

Anyway, more dreams, … all within the last two to three weeks or so (quite possibly much more recent than that), and the last two mentioned, within the last 24 hours – at least as I’m presently typing this). In chronological order (oldest first):

The fake lucid (non-lucid) dream. I do, at least occasionally, have lucid dreams. This was one of those (almost) borderline cases … which I get probably roughly nearly as commonly as I get actual lucid dreams. Not really so much “borderline”, actually, as a fake lucid dream. Most notably I dreamed I had a lucid dream – but it wasn’t actually a lucid dream. But, within the dream itself, at that time, I believed I was having a lucid dream – but I was merely dreaming that, it wasn’t actually lucid. So, the dream, … or more like fragment thereof – not sure if it was part of larger or much more dream, or not, … upon waking, I didn’t specifically recall. I dreamed I was asleep, having a dream, and realized it was dream and was having a lucid dream … at least that’s what I was dreaming. And I dreamed that something … some electronic device or phone, or something roughly of that nature … not sure exactly what it was, … but dreamed it was relatively close alongside me – not right where I was sleeping, but off to the side, sort of on a shelf or pedestal or the like to the right of me – and rather quite approximating reality – except for the specific type and nature of device there didn’t quite seem to match up to anything I actually do or would have around there … other than a larger land-line phone … in dream, it seemed to be something significantly physically smaller. Anyway, in dream, it was doing something that was disturbing my sleep … not sure precisely what – less disturbing/annoying than a loud ring, but perhaps more like a soft or repeating beeping – almost like some beep of an alarm on a digital wrist watch – if even quite that loud/annoying. So, in the dream, I remember thinking that I was having a lucid dream, and didn’t want to wake from that or be disturbed by whatever that device was doing that was disturbing me. So I remember dreaming, in the dream around dream, that I could and would likely be able to well retain the lucidity of the dream, and maybe even keep or continue that dream, if I grabbed pillow or the like around me, or to the left of me, and placed it atop the disruptive device, quite silencing, or at least very significantly muffling it, … but, … that I had to do that keeping my eyes closed the whole time, and perhaps too, a bit slowly and carefully. Somehow I “knew” – in the dream, that if I opened my eyes, it would be bye-bye lucid dream, .. but that if I was able to muffle it without opening my eyes, especially if I did it reasonably carefully, and a bit slowly and such, I’d be able to continue along with my lucid dream. And, how do I know that was a “fake” lucid dream, and not a real one? Physical realities – most notably what/where/how there was – in dream – some device to be squelched in its disturbance of my dream – there was no such device where I dreamed it, nor particularly close, nor similar (enough) in nature. There were some other more subtle differences – e.g. what I had in mind in the way of pillow or such to grab, more-or-less how I was positioned, etc., that also didn’t quite correlate “well enough” to reality for it to be an actual lucid dream, but was rather instead, “fake” – a non-lucid dream. Dream in which I merely dreamed I was having a lucid dream, but wasn’t really. Also, the dream within dream – I didn’t at all manipulate or interact with that dream in any lucid manner, but merely – at least as far as I know or recall – dreamed that I could do so, as I “realized” it was a dream – but I didn’t really “realize” it, but merely dreamed it.

Desks & matchboxes! (WTF?) So, may have been part of much larger dream, … or not, … but there was one particular bit I quite recalled upon waking – and likely was dreaming that just before or as I woke up. It was a situation/scenario at work … but not at all well correlated in reality to my actual work – not even past, that I can think of, let alone present. Anyway, in this “work” scenario, there was a gathering of desks. But not normally arranged desks. These were pretty much all packed together, but just one-high, with no, or very little space, between them. Except, too, they weren’t exactly ordinary office desks. And somehow, these were desks that were being removed. Seems they were probably getting replaced with something else (cubicles? I don’t know – whatever it may have been, dream didn’t particularly seem to cover that – or I didn’t recall or have particular feel for that, other than they were being or going to be replaced … with something). So, we have a collection of outgoing desks. They seemed relatively uniform – at least upon casual inspection. But, somehow, within that, one of those outdoing desks was mine, … quite mine. And not some office desk I’ve every had or would have, but one of my own personally owned desks from home. Somehow it was there, in the outgoing desks, and in the dream, somehow that was my “work” desk that was among the outgoing, yet, understandably, I both felt a strong connection to the desk (after all, my personal desk, not just some office work desk – even if I’d used it as office work desk), so I felt both strong attachment to it, yet at the same time was quite willing to let it go. But not quite 100% precisely. Oddly, I felt some urge to go through that desk – and less carefully too, the others, for any content that should be saved/salvaged, that shouldn’t be discarded. And seems I had some trace of someone there too, encouraging me along to do that – but kind’a in the background – not even really at all sure who it was or may have been. So, I start going through the desks – “mine” first. All the desks are nearly empty, but not quite 100%. Some slight trace of the odd office supply bits here and there left. Don’t recall exactly what, but like a pen or two here, a few scattered paper clips there – things of that nature – slight, almost entirely empty, and – at least in the dream – not worth salvaging. Except … boxes of wooden matches. Pretty nice boxes, … small boxes, though some of the matches were rather longer. For some reason it was worth salvaging these, … I picked them out of “my” desk, and I think I was starting to pick them out of others. There were like maybe one to five or so of these boxes of wooden matches per desk. They varied quite a bit in the boxes themselves. All rather small in size, but the boxes all rather different – kind of like random manufacturers, all packaged a bit different, matches somewhat different in appearance. In “my” desk, there were at least a few of these – maybe three to five or so, … I think most desks typically had more like one to two or three … but some more. And I was going through, pulling these out, and piling them up – saving/salvaging them from being discarded. The desks and everything else in them wasn’t worth saving somehow, yet somehow the matchboxes were, … don’t think I generally found any loose matches, but maybe ignored those if I did. Somehow saw fair bit of the matches in the match boxes – mostly at least partially emptied boxes, yet usually at least half full or so, I think? Maybe the boxes were partway open, or I opened them? I think more likely they’d been left partway open – yet outer and inner parts of box – generally slide-style, were never completely separated. I think that’s about all I recalled of that dream – even when I’d first woken from or after that dream.

Some woman. A very short dream – but fair bit within such a short dream. How short a dream? More like early evening nap. Went from quite fully awake, to alseep and dreaming in REM sleep, to back fully awake, all in under 15 minutes, … might have been as short as 10 minutes or less. I did also earlier mention that – how it’s not uncommon for me to do rather to quite rapid awake-REM-awake transitions – see where I earlier mentioned sleep and REM and such. So, … (in) the dream. It was after work. I’d come home – but it didn’t really correlate to my home – many things were different – even rather to quite radically so – about it – yet I felt it was quite my home. Didn’t match home of anyone else I can think of – but perhaps some combination (perhaps roughly part of mine, and part of ex-friend … not really sure, and still didn’t even well match a combination such as that). Anyway, home from work, I’m tired/beaten/exhausted … not so much physically at all, or even generally mentally, … just more so my mood – felt very worn, tired, and kind’a down (not unlike reality, too frequently as of late). So, I was slipping into bed – or bed of sorts – don’t remember exactly – seemed like bed or the like (single bed, next to a wall, or something pretty similar to that). But I was just too “exhausted” – or lacked the will … didn’t get cleaned up, didn’t care, managed to have/get my shoes off – didn’t remember doing so, but they were off – but didn’t otherwise undress. Wasn’t even fully pulling the covers down, more like a bit from atop, rather or sort of pulling, or half pulling them over me, and not even a particularly good job of it at that – certainly not nicely and fully tucked in – clothes or not. More like half pulling some blanket or cover atop me – but seemed was part of the bed covering, rather than like some loose blanket. The woman – some woman. There was a woman there. She somehow rather to quite known to me. But not anyone I know or knew in reality – not at all in the least, … but perhaps some combinations thereof – bit of some aspect or feature from some woman I know, other bits from some other(s), … maybe too, quite aspects from one I’ve never yet met or known, just sort of added and mixed in somehow. Anyway, so I was rather lazily slipping or slipped into bed – if hardly that, … at least sort of partly anyway, … more than half covered, anyway, but not at all very completely or neatly. And she, kind of scooting up beside me – or more so behind me, on the bed, my back to her. Didn’t think much about it, other than noticing she was there – felt okay with that, perhaps even “fine”, but not really particularly felt or noticing more. She got a bit closer – I’m pretty dog gone sure she was fully clothed – had just moved onto the bed behind me – I think she might have touched me very slightly – or not – don’t remember … don’t remember feeling anything – anything at all. She sniffed the back of my shirt, … forget exactly what the dialog was, but I think she remarked something like, “Doesn’t exactly smell morning fresh”. I think I remarked something like “hard day” – though it had not been at all hard physically – or even the work itself – more so just my mood and feeling – very worn, exhausted – but mostly my mood that was exhausted more than anything else. Somehow I got the feeling the shirt – or t-shirt under it, might not have even been “morning fresh” as of that morning, … not sure really, but in any case, I didn’t tell her that, or that I so much as suspected or thought that might be the case. Regardless, she said something like, “Let’s get you out of these clothes”, and possibly adding a ” and cleaned up” to that also – don’t recall – maybe it was implied. I begrudgingly and reluctantly agreed. Was nothing at all sexual about it, not in the least – how it was said, what I (didn’t) feel, etc. Not even sensual at all, in the least. Just some wee bit of caring, … that she bothered to – at least some little bit. Not so much that I even particularly felt it, … but maybe enough to go along with her suggestion, … or perhaps that I didn’t want to upset or displease her, … I don’t know, not sure exactly what it was, but I went along with it. Not sure what happened after that, maybe that was the end of that dream, or nearly so … somehow I got impression of what then happened, or was going to happen, … she’d get me undressed, washed up – me, my mood and energy, etc. quite low all along, but going along with it nevertheless, something about “lets feed you” – she wanted to feed me some proper bit – I’d either not eaten all day – and didn’t care – or maybe only ate some bit of something once earlier in the day. So, … she did – or was going to – after washing me up, take me upstairs to the kitchen, … feed me something, … then take me back down to bed, and more properly tuck and slip me into bed. Naked? Or into pajamas? Don’t recall, didn’t care, didn’t seem to matter. As said, was nothing at all sexual about it in the least. Just a bit of kind caring, no more, no less – her for me, at least. Maybe I too felt likewise, but certainly wasn’t capable of showing it or reciprocating – at least at the time. And I think she then slipped me into bed, and again, saddled up behind me, again my back to her. She not hugging or wrapping herself around me … maybe barely touching or leaning to me – or maybe not even that. If she was so much as touching at all, seemed so slight that I wasn’t sure if she was at all touching or not, … yet a presence quite felt – if nothing else she was quite close behind me. One other bit I quite clearly remember in that dream. In reality, some very short number of days before (perhaps only one day?), mosquito had snuck in, while I slept, and bit me on the eyelid – was rather puffy and irritating for a good day or two or so. So, anyway, in dream … we were there on bed. It was very dark, … but in an odd, inconsistent, and non-realistic way. I think I made some mention of mosquito, … and something roughly about “I won’t hear it at all, unless it’s like two inches away from my ear.” Heard some other flying insect, much further off, beat itself against a wall a bit – like a fluttering moth, something about thinking or saying that was too big to be a mosquito, so that wasn’t it. She, I think, somehow saying / pointing out, in regards to mosquito, “Don’t worry, spider will get it”, and somehow there, we were both pointing to the teeniest of spiders, not in or on web, but hanging at end of or along a single strand of – invisible to us – spider silk, and there at the end, it was working on wrapping and devouring a flying insect it had caught – a teensy one – must’ve been a very small fruit fly or the like, … very small. But the spider too, so very small, about the same size as its prey. I somehow oddly was thinking both, that spider that small couldn’t possibly capture and consume a mosquito – the mosquito would easily be much larger in size – like by a factor of 5 to 10 or more). And at the same time, somehow I felt reassured by her, and not worried about it. Interestingly too, in this odd darkness. Dark as it was, and could only quite indistinctly see things about the room, could very clearly see that teensy spider, and the tiny fruit fly it was preparing to devour. Yet at the same time, as we both pointed to it – don’t so much remember her arm and hand, but mine – I could scarcely see my hand and arm at all – was like trying to see it out at night, in the middle of nowhere, with no artificial lights, and nothing but mere sliver of a moon – but moon behind overcast, and fog all around – could barely make out anything, and quite indistinct at that … that’s almost how indistinct my arm and hand appeared to me – yet could very clearly see the spider and it’s prey. That’s about all I recall of that dream – and perhaps all there was. Last of us, there together, me tucked in, her behind me – just kind of “there”, … the being cared for felt quite nice – yet at the same time, was that I seemed to only just barely feel it at all.

Woman – invitation to talk. Not same woman/”character” as dream above. So, in this bit of dream (sometime earlier today), woman I know? Yes, and no, and not really. More, again, like some combination of traits/persons/women – known, and quite possibly also unknown. Anyway, she was quite inviting me to “talk” to her. Some traces of bits of reality mixed in – probably rather to quite definitely – but in a whole lot of ways, anything but reality – or quite far from it. Nevertheless – in the dream – she, quite inviting me to talk to her, … but in what seemed/felt to me a rather odd/peculiar way. How so? Well, several things at once – and some quite conflicting – not even seemingly so, but some quite directly or even literally. It felt a very open invitation to talk with her – and I felt I was very comfortable talking to her, could trust her, etc. Yet at the same time, I felt I’d never really talked with/to her that much, but quite wished to. But there’s more. The what, the how. At the same time, the “invitation” of sorts (not sure how that was said/communicated from her to me), while it felt very broad, open, unrestricted, and that she could very much be “there” for me, at the same time, it was also very much not that … some how simultaneously. The “invitation” – was rather … even exceedingly focused. Was an open invitation to talk about “anything” – yet somehow at same time, it was invitation to only talk about one very specific narrow topic area – and only that – somehow that anything else would be ignored, or just was plainly not okay to talk about. Not that I didn’t want to talk about that one specific narrow topic area, but seemed highly limiting, and like probably that wasn’t at all what I was most interested in talking about, … or that it was even at all particularly important to me to talk about that particular area. So, … a non-open open invitation, … or vice versa. And yet more. How. Wasn’t so much talking to her, or invitation to, … at least a bit more “publicly” than that … not public, per-se, but where more than just she could hear/see/read what we’d be discussing. I was somehow like “okay” with that, but was also definitely not my preference at the same time. Other bits too. Could/would I be cut off at any time? A conflicting mix. I felt she absolutely could not and would not at all cut me off, or “leave me hanging” or the like – and that perhaps too, she’d even very much assured me of that – though I don’t recall specifically if she did, or not, or if it was implied. In any case, quite felt that she definitely wouldn’t cut me off. Yet all, at the same time, felt she not only very much could cut me off, but might very well do so – and quite possibly with the absolute worst of possible timing. Not at all intentionally or out of spite or anything like that – that wasn’t the impression I got at all. More impression of there were – or would be – very good, appropriate, and understandable reasons. But that I didn’t know what those were, and could very possibly never ever know or find out what they were or even might be. So, there I was, wanting to talk/discuss, “open invitation” – at least of sorts, very much wanting to, yet at the same time scared – maybe even terrified(?) to open up more, or a lot more. That was it of that dream, no more, no less – at least that I recalled. Very specific narrow topic area? Could say, … but won’t … I’m not even sure if that was at all or particularly clear in dream … was clear that it was – or might be quite limited to such a narrow topic … but I don’t think was particularly clear – if at all – in dream, as to what topic in particular. Reality vs. not? Definitely some mix. Maybe roughly 20 to 30% or so of that dream, bits more-or-less picked from reality – not necessarily highly so, but at least for some significantly correlated basis – if even not used that directly and accurately. And too, at the same time, whole lot of stuff my head just kind of made up in the dream – some more trace bits from reality, some with little to nothing to do with reality. A lot of it felt really real, but not highly correlated to reality – just very loosely, at most. Whole lot of stuff in dream – e.g. how the “invitation” was going across, who – or portions of who – extended that invitation, what communication and meta-communication was and wasn’t going on (or seemed to be the case) … whole lot there not all that well correlated to reality. How I did/didn’t feel about the person, vs. reality – can’t even directly compare, as didn’t match to actual real person – though maybe more so correlated to such an actual person, than just random stuff or other persons known or unknown, but still, only at best a highly rough correlation. So, what I did and didn’t think, feel, and towards the person, etc., really not appropriate to try to compare that to “reality”, as person in dream was quite not that same person – at least in many significant ways, or at least at minimum, some quite key significant, and relevant (at least to the dream) ways.

Random commentary. Maybe my ego/psyche is aiming rather to quite low recently. E.g. those last two dreams noted above, about as close as my head/dreams is getting to “fantasy”. Fantasy – anything incredibly fantastic, positive, nice, very pleasing and happy, pleasurable, etc.? No, … and hardly close. Dream “fantasies” more like just barely someone – almost anyone – bothering to care for me in some modest bit that I actually just barely even actually feel it a bit. Or “fantasy”, of not even so much as a lovely really wonderful open, “safe”, comfortable invitation to talk with someone I’d really like to talk with, and felt very safe and comfortable talking with? No, “fantasy” not even particularly close to that – “fantasy” of a mere sort of half kind’a semi open maybe invitation that might not be all that “safe”. Yeah, head is aiming pretty low. Sure, ’tis aiming above the (almost) nothing I’ve got there – quite close to that. But geez, even my dreams aren’t managing to muster up much positivity or bright outlook – not even for so much as a fantasy dream. Pretty minimally positive – just modest bits or so above reality.

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