Decisions, decisions, …

Decisions, decisions …

Is it really worth it? By that I mean more specifically, for me, to be trying to make friends or get into any kind of relationship. It’s hard. Damn hard. E.g., looking over stats for most of my life, despite best efforts and intent, and keen interest(s) and/or desire, what have I got to show for it? If we look at my adult post-school life, and ignore some bits from work (not really all that much from there anyway), I’ve got a grand total of 2.5 really good close friends, and relationships (counting and adding ’em all up together) in a span of over 25 years, nearly 30 years. So that’s less than one new (good) friend, or relationship per decade! That quite sucks. And no lack of trying, wanting, desiring, etc. Sure, it’s had its successes, but … really? E.g. what’s the best out of all that, across all those nearly 30 years! One relationship was absolutely friggin’ fantastic! … for … all of something like well under 6 weeks. Never again that one. Okay, well, that’s 1 out of 2.5, what about the next 1 of the remaining 1.5? Fabulous relationship, … uh, … well, … really? Sure, we get/got along incredibly wonderfully, in oh so many ways, … but … in over twelve years(!!!) how much total time did we so much as spend together in the same city at the same time? Doesn’t even add up to a year in total … maybe not even 9 months. Sure, great times together, but far too much of that time apart (over 1,000 miles between us certainly didn’t help that). And the other 0.5? Not sure if I should count that one or not, thus it’s a 0.5 – maybe something is or could be there … maybe not (or not “enough”) … don’t know for sure. That’s it really, to speak of, in nearly 30 years. And a whole helluva lot of time, angst, heartache, longing, desire, trying, etc., all for “that”, (nice but way too) precious little that that’s been.

So, decisions, decisions. Should I even try? Should I even so much as try to relate to people or have friends, or a relationship, or ever even hope for such – much as I might love and desire to have such. I mean, really, for me, for all the time, pain, effort, energy, etc., is it really worth it? Maybe I best not so much as try. Maybe all that focus, time, energy, etc. could be put to better use elsewhere or elsehow. Hell, maybe I best do better than “merely” not try, but actively run away from or otherwise evade any and all such possibilities? After all, most all my life – especially adult life, has been quite alone (and lonely) anyway. Though much of that lonely can also be filled with pleasant – or at least much less painful – distractions. After all, who needs it (or more specifically, do I need it)? Ain’t gonna kill me. Uhm, … well, … not that quickly, anyway. E.g. we know the stats about longevity and folks alone vs. coupled, … so maybe I die a decade or so sooner alone, than not. What of it, would it really make all that much difference?

Morals, ethics, blah, blah blah. Friend(s), relationship(s), and/or not. Besides me, who’s it gonna benefit? Okay, sure, might benefit some very lucky very very very few quite a bit, but for most, will never make all that much difference in their lives. It’s not like I’m ever gonna become some gregarious person with some large, or even rather significant number of friends. At most maybe it significantly impacts a few people or so. I’m nearly 50. At one friend or relationship per decade, if I live to be, say 80, that’s what, like 3 people? And all my angst, pain, time, energy to manage to get that far with anyone (let alone three!). Might that best be spent elsewhere/elsehow? Maybe I do some other thing(s) to make the world a better place and all that. Perhaps friends and relationships are not my forte, and never (really) will be. Maybe I should stop trying there, … period.

But alas, … I don’t know that I’m particularly passionate about anything at present. Maybe it’s just a “phase” I’m going through (or a rut). Sure, “used to be”, still sort’a kind’a am, quite passionate about computers – not so much totally generally, but in certain specific ways/capabilities. Relationship? Hell, even a darn good friend? could be passionate about that, … with the right person, but really, how often has that happened in my life? About 2 or maybe 2.5 times in my post-college adult life of nearly 30 years thus far. And so damn much time/energy spent in pursuit of such, for … what? Add up the total time in those 2 relationships out of that 2.5, together they don’t even add up to a total of a year. That’s like about 1/30th of the time really being in good quality relationship (sorry, but when 1,000 miles apart, that part of the time doesn’t count). So damn much time/energy/pursuit/interest … and for what, to only get to actually quite enjoy 1/30th of it? The rest mostly all heartache, disappointment, loneliness, rejection, defeat. Worth it? Hardly seems or feels so. Maybe it’s like chasing some kind of a drug high. Feels so damn good, but … worth the price? Is it even sustainable? I guess at least theoretically, sure, highly sustainable. But, … probability of actually reaching that, and sustaining it? Yeah, I’m not exactly highly optimistic on that one. Sure, what went “wrong” in those relationships? Can hardly say it was at all either of us not getting along at all (or doing friggin’ fantastic together) – was much more so, in both cases, circumstantial – stuff beyond and outside either of us pulled or kept us apart. So, sure I make a great relationship for someone(s), and more often too, have been cases where she thought I was great/fantastic and all that – but feeling was highly not mutual. So only 2 that worked very to highly well mutually, the rest never went very far or long (or certainly shouldn’t have, in any case).

“Oh well”. It’s not like decisions need be made instantly … can wait. Also, it’s not like such decisions can’t be changed, … many can be. Also not like it’s “all or nothing” either – could be question of degree and/or timing.

But … really, … me, … introverted, shy, looking rather probable I’ve got Asperger syndrome, looks like pretty damn friggin’ hard long odds. Worth it? <cough> – hardly seems so … at least at present. But bears further consideration and reconsideration. And if something doesn’t work, probably time to try something different – or try some other way(s).

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