(emotional) roller coaster, to … something a teensy bit smoother?

So, typical scenario on OkCupid. I find a profile I at least rather, and perhaps quite like. Maybe even one where I think / “feel” we’re highly probable to make for a good – even excellent match. I message them, and … nothing. Statistically, that’s to be expected. For M messaging F on OkCuid, something roughly around 2/3 to 90% of those messages get zero response.

But alas, I “favorited” them, or gave them a (1-3) “star” rating.

I almost never give 4 of 5 stars – mostly because, at least as I recall, if one does that on OkCupid, it notifies them … and that’s likely counter productive – at least I’d think … whether I’d messaged them or not. Maybe if I’d already met ’em and know ’em fairly well, perhaps that would work fine – but otherwise I think it mostly would make any chance of mine with them only slightly less probable – so I almost never give 4 or 5 start ratings on OkCupid. But I digress.

Alas, having favorited them, I also generally see their activity … various updates they make, they show in my searches, “matches” and activity, even often shows me when the logon. And, … that’s mostly just a slow bit of torture – as I’d already messaged them, hadn’t heard back – and in most cases/probabilities, never will. Likewise, they look at my profile – I see that … but again, most probably they’ll never message me back, and it’s mostly just more slow torture. Could message them again? Sure, … but that’s highly unlikely to get a response. If they didn’t respond to a first message, pretty darn improbable they’d respond to a second one – particularly if they’ve been on the site some hours or days or more since I sent them that message, and they’ve had more than ample time to read it and respond. So, a second message would, where they’d not replied at all to the first, at least most probably, would be a counter productive waste (and a bit more slow torture).

Many many times – just as part of emotional “survival” strategy – and the harsh realities … I message someone, and I then, more-or-less, as much as feasible, try to – much as I hope and wish they’ll respond – I try to start letting go and forgetting about them the instant I’ve sent the message – because most of the time I’ll hear exactly nothing back – ever – and nothing will ever come of it – and more messages won’t make it better. But there’s still that slow torture aspect to it.

But alas … a somewhat better way of dealing with that. :-) On OkCupid, one can “hide” a user. When one does that, they can still message you, and you them, but … they won’t show up in your searches, matches, activity, that they’ve viewed your profile (or you theirs), etc. So, … I’ve changed my strategy. I send a first message, then “hide” them and remove them from my favorites. If I get a message from them great – or at least potentially so. And, if not, … I, for the most part, never at all see or are reminded of or about them again at all – at least not by OkCupid in any way. Well, … except there’s still the “sent messages” – they show up in there, unless/until I delete them. Maybe too, I’ll also start doing that at some point? But that’s not as critical – as once I “hide” the user, and remove them from favorites, “sent messages” is the only place on OkCupid I’ll ever see them again.

Reality sucks … but sometimes there are ways to make it feel at least a slight bit less sucky.

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2 Responses to “(emotional) roller coaster, to … something a teensy bit smoother?”

  1. Jane Says:

    They changed it so you now have to pay to see who rated you 4-5 stars.

    • MichaelBerkeley Says:

      Yes, thanks for pointing that out. I believe that changed relatively recently – I probably should have at least pointed out what’s currently the case on that, but I failed to do so. My bad.

      In any case, if it was free before, they might change it back to that, or allow it again temporarily or on some “trial basis” or whatever, and of course the feature can be paid for. So, I’d rather not redo how I’m using and not using the “star” rating. I find that unrated, 1, 2, or 3 stars seems “good enough” for what I use it for – at least thus far.

      On the other hand, my *not* having given any 4 or 5 star ratings, might mess up OkCupid’s sorting/ranking/matching for me (a bit?). Though, even for that, I don’t know if it’s all that useful – e.g. “Similar Users”, and stuff like that, I don’t know that OkCupid suitably aligns and correlates those “well enough” to be of all that much use to me (okay, sure, better than totally random, but … as good or better than most match searches and orderings and what I can find that way? Quite debatable).

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