speed dating – questions?

I’ve been at least hypothetically considering speed dating.

And “of course”, quickly along with that comes, “What questions should I ask?”

Well, this is at least rough draft of hypothetical questions I come up with, along with some other opening/closing bits and reminders to myself, etc. It’s probably too long, so likely wouldn’t use all of it … might also possibly jump and/or skip around, add stuff on-the-fly or whatever.

Also, I might (re-re-re-re-re-re-…)edit this here, rather than make some rather to quite similar and otherwise highly redundant blog posting.

(presuming 3 to 8 minute speed date, about half that time "asking")
(yet another reedit squeezed to outline form, and thus far still a
work-in-progress (not that it will ever necessarily be "finished"))
------------------------------------------------------------------------
intro: name
intro/format: questions

__ smoker __ non-smoker

Are you in any type of "committed" relationship:

Do you want to have or are you looking to have children?

What are you looking for?  friendship/relationship?
deal makers, breakers (and "nice to haves")


live (approximately) where (zip, city, or geographic region):



Any children under 18 living with you?  none/full/part time?


Age or approximate age:

Political views (in *very* brief):


Do you like:  __cats  __dogs

About yourself, what is one key thing that you would like me to know?
(an excellent question, but needs to be majorly reworded or otherwise
replaced with fairly similar.  Catches about half of folks so totally
off-guard and unprepared, that they mostly can't answer, and certainly
not at all in a timely manner, likewise, when they turned the question
on me, wasn't quick easy one to answer or that I had any particular
"prepared" answer for - I should be fully set to well answer any and
all questions I may ask - *especially* any and all questions I've
prepared/outlined in advance.)

------------------------------------------------------------------------
and some prior drafts or portions attempted thereof:
(e.g. 5 minutes total, 2.5 minutes asking - earlier versions *too long*,
squeezed to a mere outline ... still too long, but closer to "short
enough")
------------------------------------------------------------------------
intro: name
hold hands(?)
intro/format: questions

__ smoker __ non-smoker

What are you looking for?  friendship/relationship?
deal makers, breakers and "nice to haves"


live where (zip, city, or geographic region):

Are you in any type of "committed" relationship:
if not "committed", "seeing someone" or "sexually involved" with anyone?

have any sexually transmitted diseases or ever tested HIV positive?:

Financially, "pull your own weight?" (can?, does?, prefers to?)


Any children under 18 living with you?  none/full/part time?
Want to have or looking to have children?:

Age or approximate age:

Political views (in *very* brief):


Do you like:  __cats  __dogs  Any pet allergies: _______________________

About yourself, what is one key thing that you would like me to know?


How truthfully did you answer:

How completely did you answer:

------------------------------------------------------------------------
(probably) won't have time to *say* this, can hand bit 'o paper:

Hopefully the "grilling" wasn't *too* painful.
If we meet again, we can slow *way* down and skip or defer most or all
the heavy stuff for up to at least a quite long while, if and as you may
wish.  Can even more-or-less pretend we'd not even yet asked such
questions.

It's been a pleasure meeting you.  Thank you *very* much for meeting
with me and enduring and answering what you did.  I wish you the best in
finding who and what you wish to find.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
(e.g. 5 minutes total, 2.5 minutes asking - this is still too long)
Hello, I'm Michael, pleased to meet you.

Mind if I hold your hand?; and you can let go at any time.
You can also squeeze my hand if anything gets uncomfortable.

Apologies in advance, some questions may be challenging, personal and/or
invasive.
Please *do* feel free to "pass" or decline any questions or parts you
don't want to answer.

No "right" or "wrong" answers - mostly just try to get us more quickly
to who and what we actually want.  It's pretty quick, and hopefully
interesting.  Many questions, so try to be quite brief on most.

__ smoker __ non-smoker

What are you looking for? (definitely, maybe, ...)
  __ friendship: _______________________________________________________
  __ relationship: _____________________________________________________
  "friendship first (before relationship)?" __ yes __ no

Which is most important to you in a relationship?
  __ having good/great sex
  __ general shared common interests/goals
  __ appearance / physical attraction
  __ communication/understanding / emotional connection
  __ other: ____________________________________________________________

What are at least some key attributes you're looking for, including:
"must not haves" / "deal killers": _____________________________________
"must haves": __________________________________________________________
"would really/quite like/love to have, but could live without": ________
________________________________________________________________________
Some key things you want to be able to do or share with a "partner":
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________

Where do you live: 5 digit zip code or city or approximate geographic
location:
________________________________________________________________________

*Very* briefly:
What's the most fun and kooky thing you've ever done with a partner that
quickly jumps to mind: _________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________

Are you married, engaged, "going steady" or in any type of "committed"
relationship?
__ no  __ yes: if yes, explain: ________________________________________
if no (uncommitted): "seeing someone" / "sexually involved" with anyone:
__ no  __ yes: if yes, explain: ________________________________________

sexually transmitted diseases: Do you have any or ever tested HIV
positive?: __ no  __ yes __ don't know: ________________________________

Financially:
  "pulling/carrying your own weight", generally:
  Are you able to: __ yes __ no
  Do you do so:__ yes __ no
  Do you prefer to do so:_Y _N - even if you don't need to: _Y _N
  if "no" to any of the above, please explain:
  ______________________________________________________________________

Do you want to have children or are you looking to have children?:
  __ yes
  __ no

Any children under 18 still living with you:
__ full or __ part time or __ none

How old are you or approximately how old are you? ____

*Very* briefly, how would you describe your political views:
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________

Do you like:  __cats  __dogs  Any pet allergies: _______________________

What is one key thing about yourself that you would like me to know?
________________________________________________________________________

Of all the questions I asked to which you responded:
How truthfully would you say you answered them: ________________________
Relative to the limits of our time, for those questions you did answer,
how completely and forthcoming would you say you in providing any and
all relevant details?

------------------------------------------------------------------------
probably don't have time to *say* this, can hand bit 'o paper:

hopefully the "grilling" wasn't too painful.
If we meet again, we can slow *way* down, and skip most or
all the heavy stuff - certainly at least for a *very a long while* and
as you may prefer.  Can even more-or-less pretend we'd not even yet
asked such questions.

It's been a pleasure meeting you.  Thank you *very* much for meeting
with me and enduring and answering what you did.  I wish you the best in
finding who and what you wish to find.
========================================================================
probably skip most or all of these due to time constraints:

Other than your own children, do you live:
  __ alone
  __ roommate(s)/housemate(s)/etc.; relationship:

Any minor or dependent children or other dependents:  __yes   __no
  if yes:
    do you have exclusive, primary, or some type of split/shared
    custody:
    ____________________________________________________________________
    if no custody at all, do you have visitation rights and do you visit
    them or they visit you?

__ alcohol:
  __ drinker: about how much what/when how often: ______________________
  __ non-drinker: __ never started  __quit: year: ____

been "sexually intimate" with anyone within the last 6 months:
__ no  __ yes

sexually transmitted diseases: Do you have any or ever tested HIV
positive?:
__ no, if no, how do you know: _________________________________________
__ yes, if yes, explain: _______________________________________________
sexually transmitted diseases: Have you ever had any:
__ no, if no, how do you know: _________________________________________
__ yes, if yes, explain: _______________________________________________

What's the most fun and kooky thing you've ever done that quickly jumps
to mind: _______________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________

__ smoker
  how much how regularly: ______________________________________________
  how do you feel about it? ____________________________________________
__ non-smoker
  __ never tried it
  __ tried it, never started
  __ quit (in year: ____), used to smoke (how much): ___________________

__ pot:
  __ never tried
  __ tried it, didn't like it
  __ used to, stopped: (year): ____
  __ do at least sometimes use it: (frequency/amount): _____
    if used, only in accordance with California law/prescription:
    __yes__no

Religion and/or irreligion, very briefly, anything you want to say about
yourself or your beliefs:
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________

So, … as also noted above, I may (re-re-re-re-re-re-…)edit the above – so keep that in mind when commenting and/or reading the comments of others (specifically what is or has been commented upon may have changed or may change).

Advertisements

Tags: , , ,

7 Responses to “speed dating – questions?”

  1. Jane Says:

    A lot of these questions seem rooted in fear rather than in security and abundance …anyone who’d presume to ask about my financials and health in a first meeting would hear a lot of “so kind of you to take an interest” and “what a fascinating assumption,” but get zero information and a swift block to further contact.

    That said, maybe you’re right on. Let me know when the event is, and if I’m free I’ll sign up, too.

    • MichaelBerkeley Says:

      Thanks for the comments! I quite appreciate hearing your observations/feedback/perspectives, etc.

      Hmmm, questions rooted in fear? Possibly very astute and accurate observation, and in any case, definitely interesting perception – and, as they say, “perception is 90% of reality”. That being said, that doesn’t necessarily make it “true”, or 100% true, … but there’s likely at least *some* truth to it, … and perhaps a lot? (Hmmm, insert shy guy with meeting a whole lot of strangers quickly, with about zero foreknowledge of them, and where that’s where said guy is probably about most shy and uncomfortable … “fear” or the like in such scenario? Yeah, that’s probably if not very much there, probably at least significantly in the mix. Oy, and women probably most typically want a strong confidant guy, not a fearful one – not an easiest place from which to start, and (mostly) can’t redo initial impressions).

      So, in this blog post, I failed to state (my bad), that a big – huge even – reason I drafted such set of questions (and repeatedly redrafted to squeeze down to approximately fit in the very limited time), was/is … very specifically for the context of speed dating. At least from what I see/read – e.g. Wikipedia, it’s *very* fast. E.g. 3 to 8 minutes per (mini-)”date”, with 5 being pretty typical.

      I guess, in “theory” with speed dating, one’s supposed to “feel” or figure out “chemistry” or something like that in the 5 minutes or so, and have a rather to quite good idea if one is, or might at all, be interested in “dating” the other person (again), or not. Well, for me, 5 minutes or so is *very* short, and as to “chemistry” or the like, in such a very short time and with much more “casual” conversation, for the most part, I’m going to have little to no idea if or how interested I am in seeing the other person again. I guess for me, “chemistry” typically takes significantly longer – e.g. 20 minutes to several hours or more of total conversation/interaction … and sometimes even then I still don’t yet “know”. Sure in 5 minutes, even for me, there will be *some* kind of feel regarding physical attraction or not, and at least some preliminary indications – at least in my “interpretation” and “feel” for the person, in some traces of personality, style, etc. However in only 5 minutes or so, to a huge extent, I just won’t know. So, … my – at least theoretical approach, and at least initially, and given such a quite short time, would be to asses questions of relative importance to me, that can feasibly fit in such very limited time. Might not be feasible approach – might not even be workable or particularly workable at all, but at least, I’ve been thinking, such would give me some reasonable basis of knowing at least some fair bit more about the person, and a much better idea if we might be a “match”, in terms of if I am or might possibly be interested in them. And, at the same time, I’d probably get at least some feel for if they are or would be at all interested in me. At the same time, hopefully too, they would feel totally invited to hit me with any and all questions they might be thinking or wondering about me – perhaps especially any they may think rather to quite important, but perhaps otherwise might be rather to quite hesitant to ask or bring up.

      Well, absolutely no guarantees such approach would necessarily work, or work well, at all. Perhaps speed dating really just isn’t at *all* for me. Even if I went about it totally differently. It’s *very* short. One starts with about zero foreknowledge of the other person (e.g. just some approximate age range, apparent gender, some presumption that their sexual orientation probably at least includes the gender of the folks they’re meeting there, some very rough presumptions of geographic region of residence, and that they’re interested and “serious enough” about dating – and have the resources – to bother to attend).

      “Not for me”? Again, that’s a lot of folks, very quick. Not exactly my *worst* nightmare, but me being rather shy – particularly initial contacts with strangers (and especially when I know essentially nothing about them in advance), all very fast, kind of a “crowd” of strangers feel to it (and “working” such a crowd at that!) – even though it’s a series of one-on-one meetings, I don’t know that it would work, or work at all for me, or that I could ever be comfortable with it (though being “comfortable” with it isn’t necessarily a requirement). Even if I used a totally different approach, I don’t know that I’d be likely to get anything particularly good or useful out of it for me, anyway. But maybe I could … really not sure.

    • MichaelBerkeley Says:

      “rooted in fear” – hmmm, still not sure about that – even days or more after the speed dating event (but of course, I drafted the questions/outline before the event). I don’t think so much “fear” on the questions – I think more just a “wanting to know”, in terms of things in the space of about 2.5 minutes, might much better help me determine “compatibility” – and much more so than a quite casual 5 minute or so conversation.

      Well, the reactions I got were rather to quite different than you might guess.
      Much more, generally, about that on:
      https://michaelberkeley.wordpress.com/2012/06/25/the-speed-dating-experiment/
      “maybe you’re right on” – not sure. It may have (mostly) been rather to quite good – the prepared questions and all (though perhaps not all of the ones I’d prepared). But too, really, quite small number statistics – weren’t a whole lot of speed dates I got to go on at the event (weren’t all that many women there). So, … quite hard to know whether the questions generally – or certain specific ones, for the most part, “improved” things, or reduced chances of things going well. Would really need a much larger sample base, and trying different approaches, to get reasonable clue, at least on many(/most?) of the questions, as to what worked/works rather to quite well, and what doesn’t.

  2. Jane Says:

    So, how did it go?
    And how did women respond to the hand-holding thing?

    Given five minutes, my focus would be very different to yours. I meet people all the time in non-event settings, and there can be a lot of communication in unplanned far-under-five-minutes acquaintanceships.

    Speed dating sounds like a fascinating challenge, in any case.

    • MichaelBerkeley Says:

      A lot of how it went is now on:
      https://michaelberkeley.wordpress.com/2012/06/25/the-speed-dating-experiment/

      Some more specifically to what you asked:

      “how did it go?” – mostly see URL above

      “how did women respond to the hand-holding thing?” – tried it on the first, that bit kind’a flopped, I didn’t try it again. Speed dating company sites, probably a relatively “bad” influence – lots of pictures of happy looking couples holding hands and such … probably a lot closer to zero of that (at least hand holding) going on in actual speed dating … at least I didn’t see/notice any of it at all. And besides, probably not *that* important/useful anyway, so skipped asking after that once.

      Uh, yeah, fascinating challenge, quite.

  3. MichaelBerkeley Says:

    I did also update outline again. At least at present, top set is approximately what I’d use, were I to do/try speed dating again.
    The next set below that is approximately what I used. I didn’t ask all those questions to even one single person – some I skipped entirely. Other questions I also dropped out – anywhere from quite quickly (after first speed date or so), to roughly about halfway through the speed dates. Some questions seemed to (generally) work much better than others, and some questions not-so-well and/or just not so practical or useful.

  4. Jane Says:

    Wow, I like the new set of questions a lot better.

    It’s probably still a surprise to most women to be asked some of these questions so directly. Yet it’s important information, and generally-accepted techniques take a bit of time and finesse, so …

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: