Hug? How ’bout a little human contact. FML … etc.

Egad, F*ck My Life (FML).

So … been on OkCupid hair over 10 months now. And, … what to show for it thus far? Yes, have met 4 people face-to-face. But alas, only 4, and thus far, well, that’s not gone very well … though there may still be potential there. Of the 4? First went well at first meeting, 2nd meeting flopped, and thus far never met again (been over 7 months). 2nd person I met, flopped at first meeting (didn’t particularly surprise me, I think she, at least initially, saw things quite differently than I). 3rd person I met – a great first meeting, a great second meeting, and … plans for 3rd meeting, that never came to be. I’ve not heard so much as a peep from her in 6 weeks; haven’t totally given up hope there, but seems quite to highly improbable. 4th person I met – lots of great online communication before we met (messages, emails), and quite a bit of that. A first, second, and third meeting, in rapid succession. I think I’d say the first two went rather to quite well. The third … well, initially I thought similarly, but that may have only been unilaterally. Still early yet, and still communicating, but … has been over a week since we saw each other at all, and … no particularly positive definitive indicators, … i.e. nothing so much as an “I like you” or “I really like you”, or “I want to see you again”, or “I really would like to see you again”, or anything of the sort, and no definitive indicators or plans – or even tentative, at least thus far, for any meeting or potential meeting again … at least yet. So, … sure, maybe some good – possibly even great – potential there yet, but … I really don’t know. Probably way too early to know for sure on that one. But, … well, if she’s just not interested or not “sufficiently” interested, or whatever, maybe it just ain’t gonna happen. And it’s not like I’m the only thing goin’ on in her life – to a fair extent, it’s like I’ve got (almost) no clue really … sort of kind of … well, some fairish bits, but … as to what she’s thinking, feeling, at all how she does or may think about or feel towards me, well, I’ve got no particularly strong indications one way or another. “Of course”, too, it’s sort’a kind’a like we almost just barely know each other thus far. Sure, lots of “communication” – well, at least quite a bit, … but … it’s like we’ve only barely just begun to scratch the surface … or perhaps a slight bit more, but not more than that. Really haven’t gotten much or particularly deep into anything … at least quite yet, and … well, from my perspective, anyway – though she might see things very differently. I guess too, I’ve got no friggin’ clue what it would be like to have a whole lot of people very interested in me, and wanting to meet me, date me, messaging me, etc., etc. I do, however, know way too well what it’s like to have damn near nobody messaging me, and essentially nobody particularly close, and for way too long!

So, … about 10 months on OkCupid … and as for anything regarding any (physical) human contact or touch whatsoever? I’ve yet to make it past a five second hug. Egad. :-/

FML, … it’s been over four years since I so much as had a mere friggin’ hug of more than five seconds duration.

So, … were I a somewhat/rather different person, I could certainly see how at least some folks on OkCupid would put themselves down for including “casual sex” in the “I’m interested in” … just for a god damn hug … that’d be some contact, at least.

“Oh well”. Progress? So, … maybe about half a dozen hugs not exceeding 5 seconds each, within the past 10 months. That’s way more than in the 3 years preceding that.

And how the hell did I get to here, one might ask/wonder? Oh, probably several major contributing factors. I often tend to pay a helluva lot more attention to others … often quite neglecting myself. Also, much as I want – or could even be argued “need” – that friendship/contact/relationship … to large extent, hasn’t especially been a priority with me, … when, well, I really should have made it much more a priority … so, … now I’m backfilling a pretty huge gap – and it’s not an easy one to well fill. Lots of other bits, pieces, etc., but most of it can be said or reasonably argued to be, logical extension, or consequence, of me typically paying much more attention to others than I bother to pay to myself. I really quite ought to fix that – even if not all that directly, some way or another I ought to do much better there at taking care of me – most notably on the friendship(s) and human contact level … though that’s certainly not the only area which should be handled better regarding me taking better care of me.

Oh, and another quite large contributing factor. I’m quite shy – certainly at least initially. So, … typically quite difficult for me to get the initial contact going – I typically do rather to quite well after that, … at least given half a chance. Well, … statistically and objectively on the (particularly good) friendship realm, and “relationship” realm, I don’t really do all that great after making it past getting that initial contact going – but when I do at least get the initial contact going, I’ve then at least have a reasonable fighting chance. So, most notably, problem is making it to that point – getting the initial contact going. E.g. and most commonly starting that initial conversation, or reacting to an opener or potential opener, so as to actually manage to start, engage, and continue an initial conversation. And, … with hardly anyone contacting me, … well, … it’s damn hard. Not sure exactly how to “fix” that “shy” issue, … or even if it’s feasibly “fixable”. But, even if it’s not (that) fixable, need to also, at least generally, work past it, or around it, somehow(s). I wasn’t always shy, or at least nearly that shy. Not sure exactly what caused that change – and it to change as quite significantly as it did. I don’t even know exactly or precisely when it changed, but I do know at least approximately when. Whole lot of stuff happened in that timeframe, and a quite (developmentally) influential period. So, … there are a lot of quite possible, even probable, “this caused it” explanatory events/circumstances/history/happenings, etc. Don’t know particularly which did it, or if things changed internally somehow and/or it may have been some combination thereof. In any case, it ought to be fixed. Or if not that, at least work/push through or around it … at least as feasible, anyway.

And while I’m on a tie raid (tyeraid, tye raid, tieraid? – it’s in my vocabulary, but no friggin’ clue how to spell it, and can’t easily find a good definitive reference to answer that … What The F*ck (WTF) … oh well, who cares) … uh, venting, whatever …

“Friend” – maybe I really ought to tighten up that list, … like down to nearly zero. If a friend damn near never responds to your communication attempts (email, calls, voicemail messages, etc.) – like maybe said “friend” will actually pick up the phone when I call – or she’ll call me out-of-the-blue, oh, like an average of less than once a year. Can that really be called “friend”? Maybe if that’s only and so much as I wanted out of the “friend”ship, but geez, no, mostly highly unsatisfactory that. Maybe I ought to think of that “friend” (and several others where contact is about that rare), as “old friend” – as in once upon a time we were friends, but now we’re barely, and rarely in contact. That’d cut about 4 from the “friends” list and put ’em on the “old friends” list. Not that they’re necessarily “old”, but lacking a better descriptive term. “Former friend” doesn’t seem a best descriptive, as the relationships/interactions/communications, when they occur, are in fact still quite friendly, and it’s not like either or both has ceased caring about the other. It’s just not at all an active friendship … or … even one that necessarily has so much as a “viable standby” status. Anyway, if I recategorize those 4 as “old friend”s, that’d barely leave approximately one on the “friends” list. [sigh] Well, maybe like I ought to do a bit of (psychological) housekeeping, and (mentally) appropriately (re)categorize as relevant. And too, do a wee bit more follow-up with some maybe sort’a kind’a potential loose ends out there (e.g. like the 3rd person I met from OkCupid). Sort of along the lines of (nicely) “Hello again! Been a while.” (over 6 weeks!) “Had quite nice time, … been thinking of you, … any interest in ever meeting again some time, or should I just say thanks, bye, have a nice life and best of luck on your searches and such, and perhaps track me down if you change your mind?” Well, that’s almost literally about how I feel like saying it. [smirking grin] But maybe I’d like at least some clue where the hell I stand (last communication was quite: She: “Been and am quite busy, can I call you back?” Me: “Sure.”). And no, not gonna do that by email or the like, no way … would be a phone call (and hopefully not voicemail – but if nothing else, then probably that). Well, … probably ought to have wee outline of quite what I want to say – for if “live” … and … written out what I want to put on voicemail, if that’s what I get.

Okay, so there are at least some encouraging signs out there … e.g. like one of the four I met from OkCupid – such may yet go/develop anywhere from semi-reasonably well, to perhaps as far(?) as exceedingly well? Way early yet to guess. So, I shouldn’t be (and mostly/generally am not) that negative. I guess too, part of it is “getting it off my chest” / “venting”. That’s mostly a good thing to do. And, … mostly, if not entirely, for such lacking better or more appropriate(?) place to go, … well … it ends up here on this blog.

And so it goes. Oh well – hopefully it improves, … I do keep working on it.

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2 Responses to “Hug? How ’bout a little human contact. FML … etc.”

  1. snarkatussin Says:

    I understand the shy thing and certainly know, first hand, how badly dating can suck. Have you ever tried MeetUp? It’s not a dating site, but I have a friend who has met a lot of people through it. May be worth looking into — meet people on a more casual level and end up with more than a hug eventually ;).

    • MichaelBerkeley Says:

      Much thanks on the comment/suggestion. And best of luck to you also on finding the future Mr. Snark!
      I am relatively familiar with Meetup.com. It is potentially rather/quite useful.
      “But” …
      I do “meet” a fair number of people, including doing various things together and in common interest(s), etc. But, far too much of that, well, the contexts are such that they’ve negligible (if any) opportunity to particularly get to know me better, or me them, or heck, even know who’s single or not or “looking” or interested or whatever. It often tends to be “way too much” about the activity/interest, and *way too little* about the persons present, but, well, after all, that’s what I tend to find *most* of the stuff on Meetup.Com is oriented towards – the activity/interest – not nearly so much the people, the people specifically getting to know each other, interacting more so, or being drawn together based on any more general characteristics or “fit”, other than some, typically one single, common interest. Certainly may be some notable exceptions in terms of “activities” from Meetup.Com … but that’s at least generally been my experience thus far. On the other hand, it *is* good to be doing stuff one likes and enjoys, and around others in similar state – tends to make one more “attractive” to others, and vice versa, which is certainly not a bad thing, and can sometimes be that extra bit that gets some kind of connection started where it wouldn’t otherwise happen. Anyway, certainly not entirely ruling out Meetup.Com.

      I am quite try trying, not only to, as reasonable and feasible, “maximize” what I can usefully use OkCupid for – in terms of finding/meeting folks, but also using and/or considering various other things that *might* possibly work fairly well (or at least open up some other possibilities – probably at least worth a try, anyway). E.g.:
      Speed Dating http://www.hurrydate.com/
      Bars/pubs (okay, so I generally don’t like ’em, and I don’t drink … but I really ought to at least *try* there a bit … and if it totally sucks, so then I just don’t try there again).
      Coffee shops and cafe’s and the like? – at least if I can find any such places that are at least sufficiently reasonably social that there are some reasonable possibilities there (and me being rather/quite shy, in general doesn’t particularly help).
      I’d still *really like to find* – or figure out if they even so much as exist – *are there any places/events* where folks typically generally *do* gather, and very much quite to meet and get to know the other folks there? So far I’ve not really come up with any such particular places/events … other than some stuff that may be a bit *too* specifically aimed at that – to the point where folks can’t be all that comfortable/casual/relaxed, and more-or-less aren’t able to set their own pace at getting to meet and interact with and know folks (e.g. hurrydate.com, lockandkeyevents.com, and many other “mixer” type events may suffer from that “problem”).

      In any case, much thanks on the suggestion. I’ll keep it in mind, and I probably ought to occasionally check there again – maybe I’ll yet find something there that may work rather to quite well for me.

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