Emotional roller coaster of … and … time to take a break, or ??? (dating site(s), etc.)

So, … e.g. OkCupid, … trying to find/meet someone from there, don’t know about “you”, or other folks in general, but at least for me, that, or the like, is “often” (well, maybe a bit too frequently?) rather an emotional roller coaster ride. And, perhaps oddly, most, of that is “just” anticipation, … negligible real “action”. Heck, … I think (pretty sure – at least for me) … actually meeting someone, talking with them, getting to know them, etc. – that, perhaps oddly(?) I find (mostly) less stressful and less of an “emotional roller coaster ride” than (all the) “anticipation”. E.g., find a profile I quite like, okay, fine/great, rather to quite encouraged/hopeful, … manage to spend a fair bit of time reading/perusing profile, etc., definitely interested – or at least quite potentially so – in the person, … I manage to figure out more-or-less what I’d like to say – at least for openers, consider, draft, tweak/massage and retweak an initial contact message, and send it off. And then …, … and then it’s typically more sucky – sometimes quite so. Maybe roughly 70 to 90% of the time (I’ve not exactly kept statistics on it), don’t hear back, at all, period, … nothing, at all, probably ever from that person. Nice, well considered message, fair amount of time/effort/consideration, thought we might potentially make quite a “match” and the other person fairly probable to be rather/quite interested in me, and … nothing, don’t hear a peep. Maybe too, it’s also – at least in part, M/F ratio and typical interactions/ratios on “dating” sites and the like, but, e.g., me (M), contacting F … well, I think a lot of the time – and at least from what bits I’ve occasionally read/seen/heard, etc., the females typically receive a lot of contacts – so I’m guestimating, that at least for many, it’s often kind’a annoying and/or overwhelming, and “they” likely relatively selectively pick and chose which contacts they want to bother to actually investigate further (e.g. even peek at the person’s profile) and/or bother to respond to at all … and I’m thinking many of them they just don’t respond to. I know too, at least with some persons/profiles, it seems rather to highly probable (sometimes they even quite state things to such effect), that they’re quite “popular” – in terms of at least getting a whole lot of responses/contacts/messages … so, too, yeah, rather probable in such cases that I’d often hear precisely nothing back, … I try to also well take into account in such cases “their” situation in that regard, semi-reasonably attempt to adjust message to them in some suitably appropriate and relevant ways … e.g. be respective of their time/attention, try to keep the message short(ish), or at least cover key points quickly towards start of message, etc. Of course too, some receive a lot less message/contacts – OkCupid even makes some of that semi-visible (e.g. “No one’s contacted her this week. Go for it.”) … but even that, I don’t know that it changes the response probability all that much. Bah, … and inbox full, ugh, encountered that at least a few times too, … but at least now I mostly avoid that surprising me – if I’m “interested enough” I’m actually semi-seriously thinking of sending the person a message, I’ll just go to open – as if to start to actually compose message to them on OkCupid … and then at least OkCupid will then tell me if their inbox is full. If their inbox is full, that’s it, I’m not going to compose some message to them, (far) too improbable to go anywhere, and OkCupid would only let me send such for extra $$, … not worth it in my book. Much better to discover that disappointment earlier, rather than after I’ve quite carefully prepared a message to send them, and then open up interface on OkCupid to paste it into and only then find out their inbox is full – ugh. To bad there isn’t an option on OkCupid:
[X] Don’t show me anyone who’s inbox is full
So, … I digress …

So, send a message, and … yeah, large percentage never hear back, … of those I hear back … probably something between 65 and 90% are roughly, “Thanks, but no thanks” – nice, or at least courteous enough replies, typically short, but saying they’re not interested – or wouldn’t presently be interested, or similar message to such effect … with, … or without reason(s) stated. Well, that’s generally quite the end of such communication with that person – or at least nearly so. Sometimes I’ll send a short nice reply, roughly like, “Ah, great, congratulations on that – hope that works out quite well for you” or “do quite hope you find what you seek” or whatever might be the fitting response – at least if one is at all reasonably appropriate and fitting, anyway. Or no response – sometimes there’s really nothing to be usefully responded to, e.g. they only want someone at least two inches taller/shorter than me – or whatever random bit they feel just wouldn’t suitably fit for them – but didn’t say such anywhere on their profile … whatever, typically not worth my time to communicate further in such cases, even if its some more subjective bit and they’ve taken it quite “wrong”/inaccurately – not that that happens commonly, but trying to “argue” against their (mis)conception I generally find to be relatively futile – they’d generally just mostly believe their conviction more anyway (why else would someone “have to” argue to try and change their mind?) – and besides, very much just not worth it – reflection on their character – if they take it that incorrectly they’re quite inappropriately misjudging – not an attractive trait, and generally an indicator that things wouldn’t go well anyway. I just generally quite drop such and move on – not worth it (certainly at least statistically/time/resource-wise, anyway). But thankfully there aren’t a whole lot of responses I get like that (if any from OkCupid thus far?) – where someone takes something that incorrectly … but sooner or later it’ll happen, if it’s not already happened, … definitely do/have at least occasionally run into such. Whatever – not my problem to be dealt with.

So, … yep, small percentages of messages get a response, … smaller percentage are a particularly positive response – I don’t just mean reasonable/nice – but they actually express some interest – or at least curiosity in/about me – at least definitely not a “no” or brush-off – even if a polite one. But, alas, very few of those go anywhere either. I guess too, some I need to follow-up on more … and maybe sometimes not as much with others? I think some get busy/distracted – and forget, or mostly so (not at forefront of mind) – e.g. may have quite an influx of new messages, or maybe just lots of other stuff going on too … in any case, maybe some encouraging initial communication, … and I write them, … and … don’t hear back. If I don’t follow-up at all, or take “way too long” – not good, then they even more likely forget, or become rather/quite disinterested, … follow-up “too soon”, and that might annoy or discourage them. Not exactly a “can’t win” situation, but tricky to get at least approximately right. Uhm, and yeah, me getting/being/ending up busy for a while also doesn’t help that – but stuff happens.

So, … I send a message, and ??? How do I “react”/adjust to most all that? Well, immediately after I send first message – given statistics on response rates and such, I usually start – almost quite intentionally – forgetting about the person and putting them quite out-of-mind in relatively quick order. Sounds sucky, but, well, kind’a is – and adjustments/accommodations to harsh cold reality. Well over 90% of the time it will be rather to quite a disappointment – I’ll here precisely nothing, or get the brush-off – even if rather/quite polite one – but generally not encouraging in any case. So, … mostly better to not keep my hopes up – probably going to be disappointed anyway. So, … mostly just start forgetting and move on, … sure, … might hear from the person – maybe even soon, and maybe even something encouraging that’s not a brush-off … great, … then it’s a pleasant surprise, … and if it’s a reply that comes in relatively soon after I sent my message (e.g. roughly a week or less), I’m going to remember much/most of what I read/skimmed from the person’s profile anyway. But much longer than that, … and no, I’ll have much/mostly forgotten … having typically read, and often quite carefully considered, many profiles since then … half dozen, dozen, twenty, fifty … maybe more, so yeah, I’m going to quickly forget much/most of the specifics to that person’s profile by week(s) after I’d written them and heard nothing back. Might be some slight exceptions here-and-there … some profiles are just more unique/memorable, … but most not quite so – even if I find the profile rather/quite “attractive”.

So, … some points in all this, … yeah, kind’a getting there. Oh, and yeah, actual meetings, etc., not much ‘o that … kind’a sucky results so far … but we’re also talking small number statistics too – so far only met two persons in person from OkCupid thus far. And only one of ’em more than once – like only exactly twice thus far (and it’s been over 4 months). Sure, can/might work out “great” … sooner or later, … with someone, but … can be quite the long slog to get there and find that “right” person (and/or they finding me).

So, … yup, … emotional roller coaster … lot of hopeful anticipation, positive outlook, etc. – especially before sending that first message – and even a bit after … heck, even useful/helps – potentially quite a bit – to have quite good/positive attitude/outlook – especially when writing that first message; … and then, well, drops pretty fast – mostly just anticipate that probably being essentially the end of it – certainly at least the case statistically. But yeah, anyway, generally at least rather/quite the downer … hopeful – yup, hoping to hear – yup; but, well, reality or anticipation thereof – or both sets in … mostly just ain’t gonna happen. “Ah, but such a wonderful person and we’d be such a good/great match, would love to hear, hope to hear …” Bah, … mostly just doesn’t and ain’t gonna happen, even if all that’s highly true and my message to them was “perfect” … just not (statistically) happening. Period. So, yes, always rather/quite the letdown – even if rather/quite anticipated. Bleh. “But maybe the person’s rather/quite busy, maybe they’ve not gotten to read my message yet, or maybe did, thought it was great/wonderful, but are too busy to write back to me now – maybe they’ll get back to me a bit later – sometime fairly soon, but not nearly as soon as I’d hope.” … naw, … highly improbable, … get over it, and start getting over it soon, … just (statistically) ain’t gonna happen, … period. (Okay, my odds of winning the lottery are slightly worse – especially since I’ve never purchased such a ticket, but …). Sure, … might be rare/occasional exception, but … get over it, “that person” probably isn’t gonna be one of those pleasant exceptions – they’re more likely the (sucky statistical probability) rule, and not the exception – get over it, move on, and try to get excited about / interested in the next one … uhm, … yeah, … right. So, yup, … can be quite the emotional roller coaster. Even sometimes/rather more of it if I get some encouraging initial response … might go rather/quite well from there … at least for a while, … but often not – and that’s more commonly the the case, statistically, at least sooner or later, and more typically sooner. Bleh. “Oh well”. At least some rather/quite nice “contacts”/communications along the way They don’t all suck, … really, … many/most of ’em pretty/fairly nice people and all that, but, well, okay, so most of ’em not a match – even if seems potentially a quite good/excellent fit – certainly at least not mutually a match anyway (and yeah, sure, too, the occasional message I get out-of-the-blue from someone I’d not messaged at all, and sometimes even never so much as even looked at or considered their profile – well, yeah, often very highly not a match … so, … guess to it also works (not) the other way ’round too).

Time to take a break from it? Sometimes. Many moons ago, did the personal ads thingy. Many of the same aspects to it. When it gets to the point where one’s dreading making that next contact attempt, … even dreading that next in-person meeting, ’cause you just know it’s gonna suck and fail and go nowhere anyway – despite how “encouraging” it might seem anyway, then, … well, … definitely time to give it a break/rest for a while. If one’s going into it with the “only” positivity being “this is positively doomed” – well, time to stop even trying for a bit – certainly ain’t gonna happen with attitude/outlook like that – would probably unintentionally muck it up with an attitude like that – even if it otherwise might’ve actually had some real potential. So, … don’t. Full stop. Give it a rest, go do something else, something one enjoys – sheesh. Come back to it later (if ever), reasonably refreshed, and when one can at least muster up a reasonably useful positive attitude. If one can’t do that, just leave it be ’till that’s no longer a/the problem. So, … yup, … done that before – e.g. many moons ago with the personal ad thingy. One’s attitude/outlook too sucky/negative … give it a rest. OkCupid? Eh, … I got busy with other stuff – not particularly planned/anticipated, but busy nonetheless. Sort’a kind’a a “break” in a way – at least a (semi-)break “mostly” away from OkCupid … or at least not nearly so engaged, and certainly not nearly the emotional investment (and accompanying roller coaster) anyway. So, yeah, sometimes good to have/take a “break” – at least from some things.

Try harder?
“No! Try not. Do, or do not. There is no try.” – Yoda
Well, … not exactly (semi-sucky quote, but useful/interesting(/”good”?) one nonetheless). No, … some things are easier when you don’t try(!). So, yep, more recently, haven’t been trying “so hard” with OkCupid (okay, so maybe not trying, or hardly trying at all … whatever … ’tis easier ;-)). Probably (mostly?) a good thing. I’ll probably get (much?) more “back into it” … sooner or later, … been dealing with other stuff more recently anyway (“busy”, and also catching up on other random stuff and/or other stuff that needed attending to anyway). Oh, and being/seeming/appearing “desperate”/needy? Generally/mostly (at least statistically) not attractive. (though oddly, sometimes works – but perhaps mostly(/only?) when it really needs to … maybe bit more on some thoughts on that in some future blog post). So, … sometimes attitude is sort’a/kind’a f*ck it, … who cares. Okay, well, so I do care, but … Anyway, lonely and alone aren’t the same. Sometimes really just don’t want/need the hassle/disappointment. Lonely? Eh, some great/wonderful person … yeah, that’d be nice, but … whatever … not gonna hold my breath (couldn’t hold my breath that long anyway, so why try?). And sometimes too, busy/occupied – doing lots of stuff I want (or need?) to do – whatever … not so lonely then – or maybe that masks/”hides” it … whatever, in any case, at least effectively, not so lonely, if even as – or even more alone. Tempted to say “doesn’t matter”, but, well, yeah, it does matter, … but perhaps not all that much.

Anyway, enough ramble for now. There are points somewhere within the preceding. ;-)


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